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When You're Suddenly Solo at Home
Whether you stay in a home alone or move on, these strategies from professional organizers can help you with the process
Our relationships to our homes are often complex and tied to the people in our lives. So when we lose someone, whether due to a breakup or death or another reason, our relationship to the home inevitably changes as well. Some people choose to leave the house entirely, while others decide to stay — at least for a while — to see if they can get comfortable with their new home dynamics. It can be a long and painful process.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, one in every four households is a live-alone household. If you're used to living with another, finding yourself suddenly solo can be challenging on every level. It's particularly challenging in the home you've shared with a loved one. Here, professional organizers discuss strategies on how to get through the challenges, at your own pace, one step at a time.
Start When You're Ready
Professional organizer Gayle Grace considers it her job to figure out where her client's starting point is and to work from there. A death, for example, is quite different from a relationship breakup or a divorce, which can be very volatile and often doesn't afford parties time to linger in the house. "Everyone's timeline for moving on is different," she says. "But my main advice to people who suddenly find themselves in the position of staying in a house that they used to share is to do what they are ready to do."
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, one in every four households is a live-alone household. If you're used to living with another, finding yourself suddenly solo can be challenging on every level. It's particularly challenging in the home you've shared with a loved one. Here, professional organizers discuss strategies on how to get through the challenges, at your own pace, one step at a time.
Start When You're Ready
Professional organizer Gayle Grace considers it her job to figure out where her client's starting point is and to work from there. A death, for example, is quite different from a relationship breakup or a divorce, which can be very volatile and often doesn't afford parties time to linger in the house. "Everyone's timeline for moving on is different," she says. "But my main advice to people who suddenly find themselves in the position of staying in a house that they used to share is to do what they are ready to do."
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by Mary Prince
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| For architect and University of Vermont adjunct professor Ted Montgomery, whose wife died of cancer last year, his starting point began after he found out how aggressive his wife's disease had become. "At some point I knew that I was going to be in the house alone (this picture), and that the dynamics would change," he says, referring to the Vermont dream house that he and Sarah had built in 1996. |
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by Mary Prince
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| After Sarah's death, Montgomery started the slow but deliberate process of change. "I've changed things around the house and in our bedroom not out of spite, but because I think healing is about looking things right in the eye and letting them flow and change," he says. "One of the first things I did was get rid of all the medical things and the clothes she wore when she was sick." Professional organizer Nadine McCoy stresses the importance of asking a friend or relative for help throughout the organization process. "Many times in divorce or separation, we tend to blame ourselves and feel embarrassed of our situation, so we don't ask for help. But ask for help so that someone else is there to offer objective input on how you can reframe your home life and move on," she says. McCoy says that although every client is different and every timeline is different, regardless of your needs, it's always wise to organize your papers and affairs in advance and not in the middle of a disaster. Consider Personal Items Professional organizer Beth Zeigler recommends giving away pieces that you know specific friends or family members really love. "You can take comfort in knowing that those things will be treasured and cherished, that they'll get a second life in someone else's home and will somehow stay within the family; giving items to people you know may also ease the letting-go process," she says. Organizing tools like sturdy cardboard boxes or huge plastic containers come in handy when separating things. However, before giving things away, it's important to think about the sentimental value of things for others involved: A child whose parent has died may not realize the value of her mom's sketches today, but may appreciate having them for display when she enters adulthood and has her own home. If you are going through a divorce or separation, be sure to let the leaving party know what the process is for getting his or her things. If a partner is dragging his or her feet, an ultimatum may be called for. McCoy suggests having a garage or estate sale for homeowners left with a lot of things. "It may even be liberating," she says. |
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by Mary Prince
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| Make Home Improvements Homeowner Margerie Reyes stays in a home she used to share with her ex-fiancé. After removing things with painful memories, she says, "I made small home improvements that helped me take back the house for myself, like stacking my shoes and lining them creatively against a slanted ceiling, which showed my love of elegant footwear. I invited friends and family to fill the home with laughter and new, positive memories." As for Montgomery, he recently moved a Japanese maple tree that he planted with Sarah in front of her studio (this picture) in honor of a nephew who died when she was still alive. "We planted the tree together, but I never loved the location of it. So I dug it up and moved it near the entrance to my driveway. [The tree] looks beautiful there. It's the right place for it. I think moving it was hugely symbolic for me in many ways," says Montgomery. Tell us: Has your home brought you comfort in a time of enormous loss? Please share your story with others who may be going through a similar change. |
Ideabook updated on Feb. 10, 2013.
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Thats a sad fact, probably a result of todays over worked, stressed out I wanted it yesterday lifestyle led by so many. I've had a relationship of one form or another, weather it be marriage or co-habitation since I was in my late 20's. Very few of the past 30 years have I been on my own entirely. I am looking to get a place of my own, although there will probably be another relationship of some sort eventually as I just don't like being completely alone.
Ann, you can read more about that property in this tour:
The quote is from e.e. cummings' poem, 'i thank You God for most this amazing':
“i thank You God for most this amazing
day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes”
Not sure how text was installed, but feel free to reach out to Ted and learn more about his work here: http://www.groundswellarchitects.com/
@evidently, It sounds like you've got PLENTY of remodel mojo in you! I hope you're finding plenty of inspiring ideas on Houzz.
As a designer of spaces, I thought I had it all covered before but now I am even more aware of how the whole home must function for the whole family, taking each individual into consideration. Nurturing begins at home, we carry deep connections to our childhood homes and now that I am more aware of this, I find I design children's rooms that are more than just cute. Children need to be stimulated, find comfort, feel their own sense of expression and choice and they will grow up to be adults who embrace this in their own homes.
Your article has really opened the door to discussion of a little talked about area of design. Thank you for that.
Susan Mills
Great article!
Susan Mills
Great article Cathy and so very important! Thank you.
I applaude all the people who have posted and shared their stories here, as we all learn from them.
Susan Mills
I did not want a divorce, and I did find myself on a scary adventure, solo and looking for a new place to live. But it turned out to be something that allowed me to be me. I am finally home.
Now, I'm busy making my home in Florida my own. I have pictures of my husband and family here, helping to keep the good memories going, and a special place in my bedroom with framed notes, some of his musical and sports objects that greet me each morning when I rise. It took quite a while, but I'm finally on the mend. Thanks for all your stories, as it helps to hear how others are managing their loss.