You need to have a standard reply ready. I was a very young mom the first time around. People were forever saying things (in front of my DD) like "Did she just call you Mom? You don't look old enough to be her mom!!!" I ALWAYS replied with a simple "Thank you." Shut them up every time.

Maybe just a "We have been very blessed and are thankful every day."

Course, if you are really seething, you could whisper in his ear that two of the kids just lost their parents tragically and you are honored they chose you to raise them. That would shut him up forever, I'd think.

Sometimes I simply amazed at the things people say. His comment was thoughtless and ignorant. Don't waste another minute on this - he's not worth it and you have far more important places to put your energy - like kids and painting!

um..... that would be I'M simply amazed. duh

Good job, Dixie! I think you behaved with grace and dignity in the face of this man's rudeness.

Why would he say such a thing? Maybe he's jealous.

Maybe he wishes he'd had more children. Maybe he's envious that you have financial circumstances that allow you to raise four children. Maybe his wife couldn't have children. Who knows? Clearly he has issues.

How to brush it off internally? Acknowledge that people are usually mean when they feel hurt or when they feel like they don't measure up in some way. Seeing your happy family rubbed salt into some kind of wound for him. I'm not exusing his rudeness, just suggesting that maybe it will sting less for you if you take this possibility into account. We never know what's gone on in someone else's life.

"I could send them back, but then your Social Security would run out a few years earlier."

Because you met a man who has no problem hurting other's, it should be extremely easy to let it go. If it's eating at you, then you're validating his statement!

There will be other people so prepare something to say, like..."Excuse me, which of my children should I have gotten rid of?" Then point to the little angels. :)

I don't think you have to worry that anyone standing nearby, didn't think this guy was a total loser! You handled it with grace & dignity. Forget him, he doesn't deserve any space in your mind & thoughts. But it's easy for me to say that, it didn't happen to me. I can understand totally about being mad about that. But don't let him take away your joy in your children. Somebody on here had a great thread on forgiveness awhile back. Maybe you'll have to forgive him, so you can let it go.

Holy Moly some people are so freaking ignorant. I'd be seething and would have posed your question to him and anyone else involved as you posed it here (only not so nicely). No doubt you handled that a heck of a lot better than I would have, what a great example you set for your children. He's obviously a very small minded and lonely man (if a man is what you can call him)

Have to say I love what Golddust said whisper in his ear that two of the kids just lost their parents tragically and you are honored they chose you to raise them. That would shut him up forever, I'd think.

My reply may have been something to the effect of me not using tax payer money to raise my kids & how we support them the old fashioned way.

I'm not sure I'd let a comment like that get to me. I'd feel sorry for him not having very good social skills.

That makes no sense to me. Lots of people have four kids. That's just plain strange. Six is a nice sized family, really. I don't think how many kids someone else finds to be a lot or unusual is a very personal comment to worry over. Not in this situation, anyway (you weren't in the welfare line!). It's a far cry from a huge family or being anything unusual. Maybe he was an only child or had been adopted, without a family at all for a while. Four kids, mind boggling? Geez. Get a life.

Thanks again everyone... I am getting over it, for sure =)

And Golddust: GREAT MINDS THINK ALIKE!! I kid you not, I though about it afterwards and wanted to say something to that very effect... but I am also a huge believer in "jinxing" things and wouldn't want to say "My brother and his wife" or something to that nature LOL! However, the twins look so much alike, and the boys look so much alike, and they ALL look a lot like me, so I am not sure that would've worked LOL!!!

Honestly, thanks for taking the time to help me out. I understand that we may never know someone elses situation... but on the other hand, they may never know ours. And in the words of every great mother out there, "If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all".

Geesh, even my 4 children know that =)

I used to get looks all the time. Had a baby, a 2yo and a 4yo. When the 4yo had a friend over the play, the mom said "you're going to have to get some help" when she found out I didn't have a housekeeper or nanny/helper. ??? I had easy babies, easy toddlers, easy kids. WTH did I need a housekeeper or nanny?! Thanks, but no thanks.

Dixi, I am certain my blood pressure went up as I read your post. Your response was so perfect. That miserable idiot is an ignorant expletive deleted.

Red, I am so sorry for what your sister has to deal with. It never ceases to amaze me how cruel people can be. Bullying must stop, whether it be by a child or an adult.

I can easily sympathize with you. Even though the man who made that comment was completely out of line, rude, and obnoxious it still stings when you hear something like that. I would find it difficult to reply as graciously as you did. But another way to put it all behind you is to remember that if your children heard the comment they also saw their Mom react in a dignified, gentle manner....what a great example for your children.

I believe the one-size-fits-all response recommended by Anne Landers is, "I can't believe you said that."

But to answer your question about how you get over it, you look at your children and think about your life versus the life that man probably has.

To me, four kids are a lot, but, I would never judge someone for having four kids. I look at the parents in amazement, because I have hard enough time keeping up with my one and only! One is all I ever wanted though. Most of my friends have 2-3 children, and I can't keep up with them! They are always asking me to give a ride, or whatever, and I gladly do.

Four kids? Big deal. That doesn't make you the Duggars.
;-)

Seriously, try not to waste your brain space on a moron like that. I know it's easier said than done - we just don't expect others, particularly complete strangers, to make unsolicited, horribly judgmental comments about us - but realize that he's obviously a terribly unhappy individual or maybe even mentally ill.

My friend just told me yesterday about a dear friend of hers who is white and has a black boyfriend. They were confronted on the street recently by a guy who made vile statements about the fact that they were a couple. It's truly incomprehensible that such ignorance and hatred still lives among us, but unfortunately, it does. Just know it's not the norm.

I'm sorry that happened to you Dixie. Obviously, that man was not thinking (maybe he never does). But know that you ARE blessed. As someone else said, maybe he is jealous or lonely or looking for conversation of whatever. Still not the way he should've handled things. A few months ago I was very upset by a woman in Panera who told me (quite loudly) that I should have my son tested for ADHD. As far as those with children who have ADHD go, I give them lots of credit. But my son doesn't have it - and for her to announce her opinion like that, really rubbed me the wrong way. He wasn't even being rambunctious at the time - just being a typical little boy out to lunch with his mom. Some people!

I once had a coworker that acted all embarrassed as she said she had 3 children all with different fathers. I just looked at her and said....and that matters to whom???? You?

Now there's another idiot! Only it was the mother not the guy at the store!!!

Children are beautiful and "worth it" no matter how they got here.....

How freakish of that guy. Seriously, I have 2 kids with disabilities. My oldest has ADHD. My youngest has noticeable Asberger's (type of mild Autism if you didn't know.)Nobody has said anything, even when my youngest was making his own unique sounds and a bit of hopping around. There must be something the matter with this guy. I would pray for him (repeatedly because making a comment about my kids would not encourage Christian thoughts) and thank God he's not a relative.

ARE you kidding me?@!?!
Shocked.

You are very lucky- enjoy them and ignore that ignorant man.

I would be embarrassed to admit that I had three children by three different men unless I had given birth within wedlock and the first two husbands had died.

My son was very short for his age and you would not believe the rude personal comments he got. I was absolutely astonished, I would never have believed that simply short stature in an otherwise obviously healthy child would generate such rudeness. My son even got treated very rudely by a nurse in a pediatrician's office right in front of me.

Rude personal comments in public like that can be turned around into great teaching moments. Parents often set the tone for how their children view comments like that. If I had 4 children and encountered rude comments like that, I would beam at my children proudly and say loudly where they could hear, "Yes, we are so very blessed to have 4 wonderful children. Each one of them is so (insert adjective here - well-mannered, hard-working, talented, etc.). Each one of them is precious to me."

I think in your case the man must have had a mental illness. I know someone who often said whatever popped into his brain. He had a mental illness. He could function, hold down a job, maintain a household, etc. But his comments to other people were often inappropriate and rude.

I'm sorry you and your children had to go through that.

The first thing out of my mouth would have probably been "where's John Quinones?" No one else spoke up? I couldn't have let it go.

And jakabedy nails the correct response!

(and I wish I had thought of it...)

Dixie, these would be my thoughts if I was at a paint store and saw a mom with 4 little well-behaved ducklings in a line behind her:
1. Wow, FOUR kids!
2. Wow, how does that mom DO it all?
3. Wow, they are SO well behaved (this is while my one 4-year-old is half hanging out of the cart, trying to hit each paint can on the shelves with a shoe that he's just taken off)
4. Wow, there is a lot of love and security in that family, what a wonderful thing!

I marvel at the skills it must take to complete a shopping trip with four young children.

Thank you again for all of your responses. I especially liked the John Quinones one =)

I thought you all might enjoy a picture of "the ducklings" form our recent trip to NYC. Hubby in front, I was bringing up the rear, and my little guy on the end was "staying back" with me while I was taking the picture because he didn't want me to be alone.

Sigh, I just love them so much..... =)

That is too adorable!

They ARE like ducks in a row!!! Very cute!

Passive-aggressive jerk in the paint store: "Haven't they heard of birth control?"

Dixiedo, as she walks away with her fabulous foursome: "SOME people obviously need to learn about MOUTH control!"

How cute!! How old are they? From the pic they look quite close in age. My GF's with 3 kids are much more organized than I am.

What a great shot! Cute, cute, cute. (and one more cute since there ARE four kids ;) )

Adorable picture !!!

Ooooh, I wish I'd been in your check out line so I could tell that dope what you were too classy to say.

"Too bad YOUR mom didn't know about birth control so we don't have to listen to your dumb a** comments."

LOL @ awm03!! I wish you were in line, too. Pretty sad that no one (besides me!) spoke up to this jerk, even another woman who was in line =(

The title of your thread is "How to let go of something eating you up?" A more accurate, truthful title, would have been, "Please give me validation" or "Let me just vent."

Nothing wrong with those needs, as far as they go. Sometimes we need to vent and we want validation. We want to hear that we are good, "They" are bad. We are right, "They" are wrong. We are sweet and innocent, "They" are nasty and evil. Sometimes we just can't move beyond our pain and "let it go" until we vent.

But if we stay at the venting stage, is there growth? Have we learned anything about ourselves, others, life? Have we let go of the negativity that can wear us down?

It's wonderful that you practice and teach your children "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all," but are you always perfect at adhering to it? Is anyone?

I don't doubt that your children understand the golden rule, and generally behave with kindness, but will they ever say something cruel or harsh to another person? When that happens do you want them summarily written off as jerks, and judged harshly? Or would you hope that others would see the big picture, and recognize that your children are so much more than one ugly remark?

I'm sorry that you encountered unkindess, and as I said above, I think you handled it gracefully. We can get hurt in this life, but we can also come out the other side of that hurt with more compassion for humanity, not less.

How to let go? In addition to cultivating compassion, cultivate and focus on the gratitude you feel for your blessings. For example, when someone is unkind and unloving, rather than focusing on that, remember how much kindness and love you already have in your life.

You have a loving family, first and foremost. You are a loving person, first and foremost. That is the real, unshakable you. Peace, love and contentment are within you.

Don't let anything that happens, or any other person, determine your happiness or steal your joy.

Stinky -

"How to let go? In addition to cultivating compassion, cultivate and focus on the gratitude you feel for your blessings. For example, when someone is unkind and unloving, rather than focusing on that, remember how much kindness and love you already have in your life.

You have a loving family, first and foremost. You are a loving person, first and foremost. That is the real, unshakable you. Peace, love and contentment are within you.

Don't let anything that happens, or any other person, determine your happiness or steal your joy."

You are so wise. I love these thoughts. Just the other night, hubby and I were having a conversation about a situation and your first paragraph is literally the same thing he said to me.

I am usually pretty good about letting things go, but I'm really going to refer to your thoughts here in those times when it's not so easy.

tina

Stinky: Ditto what Tina said. You are right, and I am work in progress ;o)

"Pretty sad that no one (besides me!) spoke up to this jerk, even another woman who was in line =(" That's what I'm wondering too. People don't like to be unpleasant, though, or at least the normal ones don't.

Hope the sting of this idiotic comment is abating for you, dixiedo. Give your precious kids a hug for me :)

We had 3 boys in within four years, btw.

Tina, glad my thoughts resonated with you. Thanks for sharing your kind words.

Dixie, we're all works in progress! It takes humility to admit that though! I admire you for saying that.

Martin Luther King said that loving our enemies meant the "necessity, over and over again, of forgiving those who inflict evil and injury on us." King reminds me that we're all given the chance to be a force for good each time we are faced with an injustice.

Well this may not be the high road answer, but I take it out physically. Sometimes I hit things or throw things (not dishes or anything breakable... things like pillows or rolls of toilet paper) or sometimes I go to the gym and work it out on the treadmill... sometimes I take a long walk by myself. But I have found that taking my frustration out physically is the best way to feel better, let something go and move on.

It may not make me a better person but I suppose if I don't take it out physically on another person, it doesn't make me a worse person either!

I can totally relate~1962/1964/1966/1970/1977. With the first 3, I looked like a 16 year old, but was 23, and really got the 'looks'~~this WAS before birth control(pills). Being so young and not knowing how to handle those 'looks' I told the truth~~I wanted 6 originally, but after 5, decided that was enough, and that's what I flat out told even those strangers in the grocery store. I now tell people i'm blessed when they ask how many kids I have, and THAT is the truth also. ;o)

(bows to Patty cakes) Sounds like you have a wonderful, big family =) We tinkered with 5 believe it or not, but the whole point of 4 was to have and even number LOL!

kgwLisa: I am ALL about the physical outlet! Kickboxing, running, it just feels good and does help clear your head!

All of them are as precious as the next one, even as my now adult 'friends'. I consider them my equals, as they don't need mothering(just the love!)these days, but there are times I still get a call from one of the girls crying because she's upset about something. There really is nothing in this world like a (((Mother)))...not to be confused with 'being' a Mother, that *is* a choice, and we're not all in the same boat. ;o)

AMEN!!!! =)

Seeing something like this helps too. Wouldn't you just love this. And peeking in at night to see all your kids tucked in for the night, 1234 :)))) Of course it probably wouldn't be quite this tidy a sight, lol. But so cute.

How about this --

"Just because *your mother* had one child too many doesn't mean I did!"

This man's comments out loud is why we are working so hard with our dd. She has the ability to keep her comments to herself but society has become so free at sharing thoughts that we have forgotten why they are called "thoughts". A perfect comment to him would have been "that is a nice thought, but thoughts should remain in the brain where they belong". lol

Spring, that is adorable!!

Dixie, don't be upset that the lady near you didn't speak up. She probably became tongue tied and in shock at what he said. And the man obviously could have been a loose cannon, no telling what he could have done had the lady said something.

Your children are precious! I have two kids, but I always longed for more but we just couldn't afford it at the time. You'll be blessed with a lot of cutie patootie grandkids!