".....If you would like to participate, and want to bring pet food, toys, blankets, etc. to the party, Jessica will take everything to the shelter next week."
I LOVE this, Bestyears, and even though it's not "proper", I'd like to see this as the new proper/norm at parties. However, it is not the same as requesting money for your very own purpose, no matter how worthy.
polly, I'd suggest you go the insert route requesting no gifts, but that's all. Do NOT request they put their money elsewhere. As another post suggested, DO have a fundraiser for your friend vs. attempting to help her through your family celebration.

Leah, she's not request(ing) they put their money elsewhere. She's simply providing an option.

" No gifts please!! But if you must, there are some very special children who need it more than mine, please visit www.blanketyblank.com for more on their stories or to make a donation. The gift of our child's health is all the gift we will ever need."

Let me clarify... I don't feel like toys or material things are a waste. I should have said TOO MANY toys and material things for 1 one year old are a waste.

Igloo- I work in a hospital, I see how toys light up those children, especially the ones who are in and out of the hospital chronically. You are absolutely right, those children's days are brightened by something as small as a toy car. I did not mean they were a waste for those children at all. I meant too many for one child who is only a year old, and frankly has more fun with the boxes, would be.

When my son turns 2, and enjoys opening up his gifts, I wouldn't dream to deprive him of that, nor did I ever with my daughters. The parties at age 2 are much smaller with only immediate family. But he's only one for goodness sake, the excitement of opening presents will probably fade after the 3rd gift, and he moves on to the next thing.

What it boils down to, I guess, is I know this family who is fighting for their son's life. It could just as easily be me, and I pray to God it never is. I can't just sit by helpless after reading her last post in her blog. Maybe if you hear her words you would understand-

The last paragraph from the blog "Prince Liam the Brave":

I'm sorry if this isn't the entry you were hoping to read. Maybe I shouldn't post it. But maybe it's time for a wake up call. The words of Dr. Cheung, one of the brilliant oncologists who works so hard on Liam's behalf, haunt me day and night. "It's not science that's holding us back, it's funding." Great. There's a price tag on my son's head. Isn't that just dandy? Can I even begin to tell you how that feels? My son is priceless. Every child is priceless. Too bad not everyone agrees that children are precious, priceless and our future. But in my heart I don't believe that...I don't believe that's what you think. I don't believe that if you asked anyone from a stranger walking down the street to President Obama what their children means to them they wouldn't say, "everything."

These words have been ringing in my head since I read it. My children are priceless, as are hers. I can't sit back and accept an over abundance of gifts for my healthy son, when I know this little boy is in the fight of his life.

I like the way you worded it.

My gardening break is over. I wanted to email you but don't see that you have an email link on your member page. Can you send me an email from mine?

Follow your heart, you know your group of guests and how they would react, you can't go wrong with this one.

I've been following this thread and have read most all of the responses and once again I'm not surprised by some.

It does seem however, like some people are not looking at the big picture here and/or are simply forgetting that the idea of giving a gift means it's not about you and/or how you enjoy the experience. A gift should come from the heart unconditionally and without rules attached. Gifts are supposed to be about the recipent; what they want or in this case, don't want.

Polly, I can only imagine how proud your son will feel one day when he can understand that XX amount of dollars were donated on his behalf to help save a life. Really, it's pointless as to how I or anyone else here feels (and IMHO this includes your guests), you should do what you feel is right for you and your family and not think twice about it. As parents, it's our responsibility to set examples for our children and I think your idea is a great way to that.

I'd send invitations that say exactly what you want to do and why. If anyone has a problem with it, especially under the circumstances, it's their problem, not yours.

I hope and pray that child makes it through ok. It's absolutely heartbreaking.

Yeah, what Lukkiirish said and of course what I said before :-) Go ahead and do it!

Luk, I wish you (and a couple others) didn't feel the need to always add those little digs toward people who share a different opinion.

natal there are LOTS of things you do that I wish you wouldn't too...oh well...

You've made that very clear. I was just happy not to be on the receiving end for a change. Lucky for me that we shared the same opinion, hey?

I requested no gifts at DS1 6th birthday party. Poor economic times and ares as well as too much stuff already. On the invitations I simply wrote 'No gifts please just bring smiles and fun!'. A few people brought gifts and we thanked them very much and took them straight to the car to open at home and mailed Thank Yous right away. Most brought cards.

There's too much pressure to buy, buy, buy for kids. A nice thing that came out of it was that a few other birthday parties that he was invited who were in attendance at DS's party stated the same thing and the kids had so much fun having fun.

I don't think that you should ask for donations but I think that you could easily and delicately steer it that way. I think that you clearly established that you have a large family and I think that it's perfectly fine to gently state something to the effect of (however you'd like to word it) that no gifts are needed as he already has so much and is surrounded by such a large and loving family, but that if you'd like to give a gift, a donation to _______ charity would be wonderful. Hey - some folks will always give a gift and that's great too. I really liked the suggestion of donating those toys (our rule 1 in 1 out) and donate a gently used toy and keep the new. After all - somebody really did take the time to pick something specific for him if they bring a gift.

Polly,

I apologize to you for any distress if it seemed to you that I was criticizing you for having a party. I was just trying to respond to your query. You asked if you could suggest to guests that they not bring a present for your son and instead make a donation to what I know is a very worthy cause.

I am old fashioned enough to believe that no mention of an expected gift (even if that expectation is soley the result of accepted social norms, not your goal or intention) should ever be included in an invitation. Hence you can't mention anything about a gift, not even declining one, except in the most intimate of relationships, like perhaps your BFF, closest sib or parents. In these relationships there is presumed to be enough latitude to allow you to be "rude" by mentioning the gift thing, but be confident they will love you enough to overlook it. Outside of that, it is a social faux pas, I'm sorry to say. (And your excellent social instincts were sending you a warning of this possible pitfall, because you were questioning it enough to post here asking for advice.)

Any crowd where you are having invitations printed falls outside that zone of initimacy, IMO, even if they mostly, or entirely, are members of your extended family. For the few invitees who are also true intimates, you could mention the gift thing, but that raises more potential awkwardness when others bring gifts and they don't.

The over-riding goal of any hospitality, is always to do everything to make your guests feel welcome and ensure they never, ever, feel they've misunderstood or made an error in social judgement.

Fortunately there is a very graceful, practical, solution: go ahead with your party, with the same guests, but make no mention of the proximity to the birthday and don't use the birthday as a theme (or use birthday-themed invitations either, I'm sorry!) In fact, go to some trouble to focus on something else - a lovely early summer family party is never out of place or style. Your distant aunts will surely come even if it is not a birthday party, won't they? In addition, enlist your closest relatives/invitees as bush talkers on the family grapevine to spread the word that your party is not a birthday fete, and that no gifts or B'day celebration are on the agenda. That way everybody is clued-in about your party. And nobody will feel they've been put in awkward position by arriving either with a gift or empty-handed.

If someone does arrive with a present anyway, you can arrange the gift opening in a discrete way at the party (so as not to embarasss the giver or other guests by calling attention to the gift) or just open it afterward, with perhaps a few snaps of tot enjoying toy sent along with your thank-you note.

I hope your party is lots of fun.

Igloo: I did not mean to suggest that DNA is the only source for deep affection. Of course one has few intimate friends that are as close to one's heart as one's family (or more so, in the case of some of my more rackety kin!). But most of us have a broader circle of friends, that are just, well, friends; shading ever-outward to neighbors, co-workers, club members, associates and so on. Many of the above might easily be invited to parties of one sort or another but not, I think, to parties themed around one's children's ordinary milestones like birthdays or graduations. Particularly not for celebrations that have acquired the social obligation of gift giving by guests. (Of course in certain cultures christening, First Communion, Bar/Bat Mitzvah, Quinceano, and naturally, weddings are occasions where broader circles are invited and gifts are expected.) My point is that the best route is to be thoughtful about invitations/party themes that entail "mandatory" gift-giving. And mostly keep those occasions limited to the most intimate people (be they rels. or BFFs.) For most other occasions, my recommendation is just to have a party simply for the fun of having a party!

But my experience recently has showed me just how out of touch my ideas are. My mail last week included an invitation to a bridal shower for a grand-niece, nothing unusual there. The shocker was that the shower was being given by the bride herself and included links to her Amazon wedding register and Paypal account "for her honeymoon". Well! I did check to see if she had signed up for a copy of Emily Post's or Miss Manners' book, as obviously she needs that more than another Calphalon skillet.

I ask you!

Yes, this time we absolutely agree :c)

"Any crowd where you are having invitations printed falls outside that zone of initimacy, IMO, even if they mostly, or entirely, are members of your extended family. For the few invitees who are also true intimates, you could mention the gift thing, but that raises more potential awkwardness when others bring gifts and they don't."

Where are you getting your information lirio? Broad, overly assumptive and rude, actually. In the event one chooses to have printed invitations certainly has no bearing on the relationship with whom the invitations are sent.

Sorry to hijack polly, but this thread has really given me quite an sad new impression of some posters.

Happy birthday to your wee one polly. Do what you heart tells you. You know your family best. Discuss it with your DH and make no excuses for your choice.

After reading a recent thread here (Cooking forum) about table manners I think a lot of so-called etiquette is over-rated.

Ttodd I really liked the suggestion of donating those toys (our rule 1 in 1 out) and donate a gently used toy and keep the new. After all - somebody really did take the time to pick something specific for him if they bring a gift.

I could be wrong, but for this type of cancer; the toys should be new & not used.

we're on a roll now because that's two things we agree on. :c)

Luk, did you read that thread or are you referring to this one?

I'm referring to your comment regarding etiquette...

I also read the article and responded, but left it on that thread.

Hmm, I really just wanted to know what you all would think if you thought it was tacky. Some of you do, I suppose. But I truly believe in my heart that our families won't. They know how I hate clutter, and how I have dedicated my entire adult life to the health of children (I'm a PA in the NICU and I care for premies and sick newborns), and they will understand why I'm doing what I'm doing.
The very first response from natal, gave me the idea to word it the way I am. I am going to do it. If anyone is offended, I really don't care. I really and truly am so grateful to God for my children's health.
Thank you to all of you who get it, and your kind words. I am not doing this for myself, I am not asking or demanding my family to give cash gifts to me, I am not registered at Toys R Us with a "wish list" for my son. My motivation for this is truly to help another desperate mother save her son's life. If I could do more, I would. If I could single handedly cure cancer, I would. I would like to think if it were me that there would be a village around me helping to try and save my kid's life.

Bless you Polly for your concern and your generous gesture. I think you are doing a wonderful thing. If others in your family are as caring as you are, I have no doubt there will be $$$ raised for this cause.

tina

Polly, I think what you're doing is wonderful. When it comes to babies and cancer, or any other life threatening illness, who cares about etiquette.

From your posts, it doesn't sound like anyone receiving the invitation will think it is tacky, and if someone does, well, that's their problem.

"Requsting no gifts at 1 yr. old bday is it ok to ask guests to...make a donation to a charity instead.."
Polly, it's obvious you have a very kind and empathetic heart. I appreciate your motive and unselfish intent. Bravo! I do not understand, however, why you led us all down this garden path when it's obvious you knew from the start what your action would be, so why ever did you ask?

I really don't think I need to explain myself, but if you must know, I really was on the fence about it. I knew I was requesting no gifts, but wasn't sure about the donation thing or how to go about it. The very first response gave me the idea for the wording, I don't think I would have been able to come up with it, had I not posted here. Everything I thought of saying, did sound tacky in my mind. I needed reassurance from someone else, and I needed to see the flip side of the coin. Actually the more posts that said I shouldn't do it, reaffirmed in my head that I should, because all of the reasons these posters gave, I knew didn't really apply to how my family would react or think.

Now my motives for posting are being questioned...GW never ceases to amaze me.

IMO, it was a thought provoking conversation! I enjoyed reading and participating. Polly, good luck with your wording and let us know how it turns out.

Polly, I've been there and understand your frustration completely. I never realized opinions could vary so much even when it comes to issues like charity. I love your idea though, if my daughter was still little, I would definately be stealing the idea. :c)

Good for you Polly, I'm glad that you are going to do it. I also totally understand why you posted and am surprised that you are now being questioned about the rationale for your post. Unbelievable. You have a good heart and soul.

ps, how are the azaleas and the forsythia this year? :-)

Deb

Polly, I will tell you that lately I have been very discouraged about humanity in general. Posts from people like you give me hope.

You don't have to explain your motives to anyone. They are perfectly clear: generosity, empathy, kindness, fairness......

This world needs more people like you in it.

Fantastic idea! Your strong need to help this charity far out-weighs some antiquated etiquette rules.

I was with a group of friends yesterday and asked how they would feel if they received an invitation like this. The comments were: they would feel touched, that it would make the b-day party seem even more special and that it would be a relief to not have to go out and buy yet another gift for another party. One friend with two little girls was so impressed with the idea she's planning on doing it for her girl's birthday parties from now on. You've started a trend!

Polly--I think your idea of the insert is fine. You're inviting family and close friends, not strangers or mere business associates you've got to tip-toe around.

And as for whom the party is really for? It's for everybody--the child and the adults. And sometimes even more for the parents: They made it through the child's first year! Even while sleep-deprived and prob a little bit sex-deprived!

Oh dear! Polly! I take it back. Mercury must be in Jupiter or whatever is said to make us grumpy :>/ In my defense, I'd given your question thought and taken time to answer, only to feel I'd wasted my time, as it seemed to me that your decision was made prior to posting. Kind of like asking , 'be honest, do I look fat in this dress?', and when told, yes, along with the reasons((big print, cut, whatever), responding with arguments as to why you think the dress is fine. So I muttered "sheesh", why did I bother? I get it now: You had a plan, it was unconventional and you were seeking assurances to go ahead with it....which you did receive, so posting was a good thing. Sorry for being a grump. I do stand by my reply to your question *as I'd interpreted it*: one of etiquette.
For those who don't read all the replies( I'm guilty of this on occasion, too), I'll re-state that I love your intentions, your caring heart and I wish all gift-giving at large parties were for charity. I love it! (as I wrote earlier )

I'm late to this discussion but I agree with you 100% Polly! Sounds like a great idea to me. I've always read that you're not supposed to mention gifts on invitations, ever, so as not to imply that you were expecting gifts in the first place. But to me, that's a lot of hooey.

It's not so much that you're expecting them as in, requiring them, but more that you KNOW people are going to bring them. I believe that a lot of etiquette is outdated or, at minimum, simply not always applicable to a given situation.

I would have no problem at all with the mention of gifts or the suggestion of the charitable donation. To me, the question of etiquette here is moot. It's a question of where your heart is. And the answer to that question is: in the right place.

Polly, you've convinced me! lol

Only thing I'd do different is how you are wording the insert.

Writing "No gifts please!" sounds like an angry demand.

Instead I'd begin the insert by telling everyone that all invitees are receiving the same thing. Be humble & personal in your request. Even tell them that your daughter is too young to have that many toys.

YES, bring up the gift giving because you know a 100% of the invitees are planning on buying a gift. That's a given.

Other than that, if the grandparents/your and dh's sisters & brothers want to buy a gift, let them. Don't deny them the fun of buying a gift, and save the gifts until later to open.

Oakley, she's already decided on the wording. And btw, this is for her son.

Hi everyone! I just wanted to give you all an update.

The party was a success!!!! Everyone came to me and said what a nice idea it was to donate to a charity and I got nothing but compliments. I am SO glad I did it. DS still got little presents and a check was made to the charity. Some people donated online, others included a check and I mailed them the next day.
We had 90 people in our backyard, close to 40 kids running around. It was a luau theme, everyone wore Hawaiian shirts, we had leis and grass skirts and a GREAT time. We hired someone to grill the food, and another person to put food out and keep up with clean up. My little guy enjoyed himself and his cake the most.
Thank you all for the varied opinions I got, you all helped me reach my decision, and in the end I believe it was the right one.

Here's my big 1 year old:

Congratulations and I'm glad that everything turned out well!

Hi everyone! I just wanted to give you all an update.

The party was a success!!!! Everyone came to me and said what a nice idea it was to donate to a charity and I got nothing but compliments. I am SO glad I did it. DS still got little presents and a check was made to the charity. Some people donated online, others included a check and I mailed them the next day.
We had 90 people in our backyard, close to 40 kids running around. It was a luau theme, everyone wore Hawaiian shirts, we had leis and grass skirts and a GREAT time. We hired someone to grill the food, and another person to put food out and keep up with clean up. My little guy enjoyed himself and his cake the most.
Thank you all for the varied opinions I got, you all helped me reach my decision, and in the end I believe it was the right one.

Here's my big 1 year old:

sorry I posted twice, GW rejected the first message, but I guess it posted after all.

Aww, what a cutie pie! And what a head of hair for a little guy.

GW has been acting weird the last hour or so. I tried to post on the puppy thread & couldn't.

He's a cutie! Love the hair.
Glad to hear it was a success.

Happy birthday little guy!

roselvr, it happened to me too, weird and slow.

I'm glad your party was a big success , you were right to do what you did,
your little one looks adorable.

What a handsome little boy! Love his blue cake. That's what turning one is all about.

GW has been messed up all day for me!

I'm glad you stuck to your guns even though I disagreed with you. lol. You followed your gut instinct and it worked.

He sure is a cutie pie!

Thank you all so much, him and his sisters are the greatest joys of my life. It is not the greatest pic, my rather expensive digital SLR fell at his sisters' dance recital the week before and broke, so I was relying on other people for pictures.
And yes the hair...he has the cutest curls, his sisters were wearing pig-tails for their first birthdays, so his is actually the shortest of all 3, but he still has a ton. Makes him look like such a big boy, but he'll always be my baby :)

Don't be in a hurry to cut those gorgeous curls. I occasionally follow on Flickr someone who used to post here ... pre-babies. Her first son had a head full of curls and she resisted cutting for a long time.

Here is a link that might be useful: the son

Polly, I'm so glad this worked out so well! I bet you'll notice that others in your family and friends will follow your lead and do this too.

What you avoided: My four-year-old neice just received 9 (yes, that's nine) new American Girl Dolls including all accessories and furniture bits for her birthday. Of course, that was only part of the gift haul. She's got an older sister and an entire toy room of dolls and furniture and costumes already. My SIL is from a big family and they celebrate all holidays and birthdays with big get-togethers and I think there's a lot of competition as to who buys the most/best. These are NOT families with a ton of money, either. Holy cow.

Thank you thank you for being so strong and forging ahead with your idea! You're happy, your son is happy, the charity is happy, and your guests are happy. That's what a party is all about! Good job!

folk - you have gotta be kiddin me. Nine American Girl dolls for a four year old? I thought American Girl dolls were for girls quite a bit older than that. I know they used to carry the "bitty baby" line for the younger girls. The books are geared toward a child older than four as well. I may be mistaken, but I remember DD being in 3rd grade or so when she got her AGD? I can't even imagine a four year old caring for the AGD properly, i.e. not lipsticking her face. lol

polly - your DS is adorable. Thanks for posting a follow up. I knew the party would be a success on every level. When you do have DS' hair cut, keep a lock for a keepsake.

Thank you natal, I am in NO rush to cut those curls, I will keep them as long as I can. I chronicled his first year in a similar way, and did the same with my daughters.
Folk- regardless of having people donate to the charity, I was planning on requesting no gifts, because that was the exact scenario I was trying to avoid. I have been down this road twice before with my daughters, and I figured there really truly are other children who needed it more than mine. Sheesh- I have a 4 yr. old, she has a bitty baby and an AG, she loves them to pieces, but I can't imagine her having 9!!
And yes WIP08, I will surely keep a lock for keepsake, as I did with my daughters. I am VERY sentimental like that.

Trying to think when my girl got her AG. She was not into dolls - I am; I used to make & sell AG clothes at craft shows; I still have a medium box filled with custom coats; dresses, pants. Yesterday while in the basement, I was thinking I should grab the box, start photographing & put the stuff on ebay.

I'm pretty sure we had a cheap knock off; one of those stuff yourself ones. Eventually she did get the AG but she never played with it. I used to change it's outfit for each holiday. It's all sitting in the basement (she'll be 17 this month) in a custom carrying case I made her.

I can't imagine my kid getting 9 of them.

Roselvr, save the doll for her and some of the clothes you've made, they'll be a nice gift for a grandchild some day!

My Mom gave away all my Barbies and dolls - I wish I had a couple of my favorite ones just to have. Although, I have 3 boys, so I'm hoping I get one female grandchild! I've never shopped in the pink aisles at Toys R Us except for my one niece and she was more into hockey and soccer than girly things.