Just wanted to add I'm not sharing the extent of my feelings with DD, just that we're not impressed that the family is lying about it and won't apologize, and I'm trying to help her find a positive way forward and reclaim her storyline, as it were...but I don't want to silence *her* feelings either. It's a HUGE disappointment (and betrayal by someone she thought was a friend).

I might consider suing this family and maybe the school too. Your daughter may have a permanent injury because of this criminal behavior of this girl. Maybe the police should be called as well. This was an assault.

Fly...Did anyone else see this? Where were the coaches? Any refs? Surely someone must have seen such a brutal tactic on that girl's part. I'm so sorry your DD has to deal with an injury. Hugs to both of you.

The girl isn't the real problem, it's the mother. I don't condone what the girl did, but can understand she's trying to preserve more than just her status on the team, if it means avoiding neglect and abuse from her nut-job mom.

I'd go mama bear on the mother. She needs to face up to the consequences she has caused. And just possibly, she might ease up on her own kids, if she's the one has to suffer the blow-back.

I'm so sorry about your daughter, fly. Hope the ligament damage turns out to be slight and heals quickly.

Children's competitions brings out the best people and the worst people, don't they?

How about the coach joining you in going mama-bear on the mother? The nutjob mom will be likely to dismiss you, but she might take the coach more seriously. And you could probably use an ally.

I will cross my fingers for DD, Fly. Honestly, what the %^$ is wrong with some of these people? I have been loath to enter DSs in the local t-ball league because of some of the screaming I hear at parks from coaches and parents...

ThreeD and two-dee :), you're dead on to bring up a part I left out. The problem is that the only people who saw it (or at least who officially saw it -- and no one else is coming forward) were the two other girls in the interval, and they really didn't see it, it was just a crash that happened in adjacent lanes to them. DH, the distance coach, set the girls up and told them to go when some sprinters had cleared the straightaway, and had turned around to set up the younger kids. (the track is filled with kids these days, with USATF states coming up soon). He was busy and didn't see. It's not that odd that no one saw, since distance runners are often sent out on long runs together (inside the high school grounds) with maybe one coach at front and one at back, and adults can't see the minutiae of every little move. That's the long way around saying that people saw DD fall, but didn't see what caused it.

My feeling is that the perp girl wanted to push DD out of her way, not necessarily 'take her out', iykwim. She's so stressed by her mom all the time that she can't think straight.

awm and walkin, I had the reply open while you all were responding...I agree, awm, it's the mom. She is a piece of work and I think this can't pass unaddressed. She will moan and whine to her own clique (she doesn't think much of the distance kids either), but at this point we don't care. DH has volunteered for the last two years to be distance coach for these kids, with *no thanks* or recognition by the parents involved. Literally. The head coach is very personable and recognizes DH's efforts (he's a very cool guy--pretty much has held the 'team' together), and I *hope* he will stand by us if we decide to at least have a 'truth and reconciliation' meeting, as it were. He's leaving at the end of this year, though, since his kids have aged out of the club, and with this, we're pretty much done with that club. She'll find another club for next year.

Okay...I am running out the door...but I am screaming inside, right along with you. I want to think about this some. I'll try to write more later.

My first thought is that strength, of all kinds, comes in patience and silence....sit tight and let that "mother" hang herself (figuratively, of course.) She's already saying too much and showing her hand.

I would turn your mama bear energy toward taking care of DD and whatever her physical situation is. Bandage her bodily wounds...the rest of them will need care over time.

Okay, I really gotta run. You are in my heart Fly and family. I know how hard this is...

Fly, also, it isn't just about your daughter's injury. This girl will push & shove again and could seriously, permanently injure somebody. Plus she must not get away with unfair sportsmanship. What message does that send to the other runners? Please don't worry about team politics or cliques. Your judgment is good, and you'll think of the right thing to say & with the right approach.

p.s. I can still see my gentle, principled, soft-spoken son running in the state cross country meet, where in the final 10 feet, a rival was jamming him into the barricades. So our son elbowed the rival so hard he practically launched the boy into the air. I didn't know our sweet son had it in him! But, of course, this is different :)

While you want to "blame" the mom, the girl did it. Was her mother there telling her to push your DD out of the way? What you wrote in the beginning, sounds like the whole family are a bunch of "winners" (ahem)

I hate to say this, but this is probably only the beginning of your daughter having issues with someone. Did I read right she's in middle school? That's usually the pits. The kids are all trying to find their way in the "school world"

I would go to practice as much as you can. If this girl pushes her again she needs to be punished. Shame no one will speak up.

A little background on the mom: she has committed borderline neglect while pushing her kids to the point of breakage, literally. Last year the daughter fell at track, kept complaining that her wrist hurt, but her mother wouldn't take her to the doctor--said she was whining and just needed to run. Finally, when she went to her Dad's for weekend visitation, he took her to the ER and turns out the wrist was *broken*, not even sprained. She has also ordered her son to keep running despite a pull to his Achilles tendon--the kids constantly tell any parent who will listen about how their mom doesn't feed them, won't buy them what they need, doesn't listen to their health concerns--meanwhile she evidently runs them at extra practices, doing 500s and 600s repeatedly, not being allowed to stop until they can meet a certain speed. (NOTE for non runners--this is a completely nonsensical, counterproductive, Capt. Bligh-like approach to training)

I can't tell you the number of times my own daughter has told me her this hurts, her that hurts. I would be broke if I took her to the Dr every time she complained. I don't want it to sound like I neglect her, I take her when I see she needs to be seen. One weekend she was with her father, fell off of the trampoline, he works at a hospital, never got her care. By the time I got her it was semi swollen but looked ok.. little did I know it was probably fractured. All she has to do is knock it wrong now and it blows up & gets black & blue.

Anyway, I'm not there.. I don't know if her kids are the type to say something hurts or they don't feel well just to get out of something, so it's hard to say. If her wrist was not black & blue/swollen and she could use her fingers (text/computer) the mother may have believed she was fine.

It also could be that the insurance the kids have is the pits.. my ex has an $800 deductible for my girl. While he's supposed to pay 75% of her medical after I pay $250 - he gives me nothing. In the last 3 years since her original wrist injury that he did not treat (which would have been free for him) I've easily spent $10,000 to $15,000+ between ambulance rides, ADD meds, monthly (or every other week) med appointments, ER visits, casts, CAT scans, braces twice (due to moving).

Do you know if her husband is not a dead beat dad?

Let us know how your girl makes out.
Girls can be so cruel.
Hopefully your daughter can stay away from her. Sounds like the whole family are poor sports and this very well could be the beginning.

Wow. I'm sitting here amazed at people. I find it interesting the Mom sent and email to your DH. That screams my daughter is guilty all over it.

I don't know what I would do. I want to yell at the girl and her Mom so I can only imagine what you feel like right now. I feel very sorry for your DD right now. I don't have any kids but was very involved in sports and took them pretty serious. I would be devastated if I were in your daughters shoes right now since the years of sports are limited to most (high school and college).

At this point I think I'd wait to find out what the injuries really are. Reaming someone out doesn't do any good but boy it makes you feel better for that moment in time. Easier said than done but there's always the "nice" approach to having the conversation with the daughter and mother.

Saying a prayer for your daughter and your family as you guys deal with this. Let us know what you find out.

Just a few more thoughts...I can't get this out of my mind...and this is not advice, I am just "thinking out loud" with you, Fly.

In a situation like this, your daughter may not be the only victim, not the only one suffering perhaps. Your words wanted to push DD out of her way, not necessarily 'take her out' make me think that this child has perhaps been pushed so hard she has lost her moral compass. I believe that, on some deep level, the perp is suffering, not only before the offense but in the aftermath as well.

Your daughter and your family have a deep sense of who you are in the world, as a group and as individuals. As hard as this is right now, you will gain from the experience. Your daughter will be an even more compassionate, incredible person than she was yesterday, before this all went down. I think the perp has an opportunity to learn from this as well. The mother...probably not.

When we went through our bullying thing last Fall, I remember thinking that as painful as it was, I was so glad to be in my own shoes and not those of the other mother. Since then, I have learned more about our perp and I have a deep sense of compassion for what she has been through. Was that any excuse for doing what she did to my kiddo? No way! But my daughter's path to healing was much shorter and had fewer rocks than the bully's path.

Though our two stories are different (emotional abuse vs. a very serious physical attack) we did not rush the process. I did not jump in. DD took the steps slowly and when the right moment presented itself (and it did) she was ready. It all worked out as well as it possibly could have for us, just by trusting that the opportunities would come. I think you should be more proactive because of the seriousness of the incident, but I still urge caution and careful consideration of each step you take. You don't have to jump on this tomorrow. Wait and watch for the right moments...

Another thought, since you are moving on next year, is to accept the fact that you may not be able to change this family. Hopefully, whatever steps you take, the perp will have an opportunity to learn some deep lessons on right and wrong. If not, remember, the world is populated with some horrible people and some horrible things do happen. It would be great if, whatever you guys decide to do, you could keep this from happening again. But if you can't, you just have to remember you can't heal the world...move on...let go.

I'll be waiting to hear how the visit to the doctor went. Hoping for better news...

I was a distance runner when I was in school(I still run, but not competitively) and another girl on my team was pushed HARD by her father. In that crazy extra workouts, special diet, elaborate gifts for PRs kind of way. He never missed a race and I'd flinch at the sound of his voice if she had an off race. He bought her a custom color sports car for her 16th birthday and then took it away and gave it to her sister a few months later when she failed to win the 10K at the Empire State Games. She took third. This was her third "bad race" in a row. He said, "I gave you that car since I expected you to get a full ride to college, but since your cr@pping out, you don't deserve it." She suffered through a ridiculous amt of psychological abuse all the while dealing with the bane of any high school distance runner's career - breasts & hips. Typical distance runners are shaped like 12yr old boys - straight up & down. Her mom was a curvy woman and she could only fight off nature for so long.

Some parents are just nuts, whether they're sports parents who insist on 2hr workouts before school starts or stage parents who insist on pushing their child into every audition in a 400 mile radius. If the perp girl is facing that much pressure on the home front, it's not surprising that she's showing cracks.

Let the mother know that you're keeping a watchful eye and that continued bullying of any kind will be reported to the proper authorities - the police if it's perpetrated against your daughter, child services if it's perpetrated against her daughter.

I think you need to take mom out back and kick her ass.

Well, there ya go. I blab on for paragraphs and Lisa knocks it out of the park in about a dozen words.

How are things going, Fly?

Oh no, amy, you knocked it out of the park too, don't worry :)

I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise but I have been sleeping really poorly since this happened and worked myself into a fine fibro flare :(. I've been so achy it's horrible -- I don't want to take more of my medicine because you can develop --blanking on the word -- where you have to take more and more for the same level of effect...see? My brain is messed up too...so I haven't dared sit down to write and thank you all for your support and great thoughts.

But I'll try it now, at least a bit: thanks so much, every one of you, no matter how prolix or succinct your reply :). DD has probably the least bad diagnosis, acc. to a great sports medicine doc DH was able to get her in to see on Monday --she's torn the left lateral retinaculum, a ligament that holds the kneecap in place on the outside. Her kneecap is a bit displaced as well.

He also determined from the symptoms we took her to the ER for that she had a low level concussion (he saw the almost-healed abrasions on her face before we mentioned anything, and said "ah, you fell on your face too -- let's see about that neck" -- I really respect this doctor -- he's one of the Good Ones, and you know I don't say that often :)), and that if she'd been in soccer, he would have held her out of practice/games for a month, to prevent Second Impact Syndrome (yes, I know it's controversial, but what side would you choose if it were your daughter?).

So she's out for the season, but not with anything supposedly permanent or --ACH I can*not* think of words today! But I mean anything that would predispose her to having a second injury in the same place more easily, like a dislocation.

I'm trying hard to help her and DH retain focus on the future, while not invalidating the real anger and crushing disappointment DD's feeling right now. Because of the age group clumping, DD was due for a triumphant year -- last year, and next year, she was/will be at the bottom of the bottom of her age group, since she's born late in the first year. There will be kids a year and a half older than she is in the same age group. She's talented, and maybe she'll hold her own this time around (last year was her first year in serious track), but it's a real stretch and she was really looking at being qualified for Nationals this year, so you can imagine the letdown.

Lots of folks from the club have been asking after DD and DH, so that helps her feel better. DH just says they can all go f* themselves, taking his daughter down after he's helped their kids so much, leaving work early every day for months and putting his own job off to second place, and been there for every meet.

He knows he's overgeneralizing in a way, but in a way not because this event has been the icing on a rather unpleasant cake. These parents are really pieces of work even if their kids didn't trip DD. They're cliquish, entitled-acting, irrationally and hilariously snobbish provincials, who treat DH (who has *volunteered* for the last two years and makes as much as these people do) like hired help who should be honored to deal with the neuroses and foot-dragging of their heirs, whom they drop off as babysitting so they don't have to deal with them until as late in the evening as possible, and so the kids can work on earning their all-important scholarships, as you mentioned, laxsupermom.

To wit: when DH had a talk with the distance kids the day after DD was hit, he said "it's important that you don't get a reputation as being a dirty runner, because otherwise--" and he was interrupted by a dear little hardworking girl DD's age (11) who eagerly volunteered "--You won't get a scholarship!" DH's heart ached for that girl--that's not at all what he was going to say, but that's what her primary driving force is--and dear is really the only way to describe her -- she's a caring, authentic, loving, hardworking, sincere little dearheart (I don't know how to phrase it any differently -- she's one of those kids you just love and I know her parents are pushing her SO hard) who has just not gotten the suburban-snob memo yet (her younger prettier sister has, though) and I hope she doesn't read it when she does. But she was just saying what many other kids were probably thinking -- no wonder it's hard for him to get them to lighten up and have fun running. They're 8-14 years old and they think they're having to do high-stakes overtime at work.

DH and I have just finished drafting a letter to go to the head coach, the decent guy (which we hope continues) that says that we've been waiting for the daughter and the mother to stand up and admit what happened and apologize, but since that's not happening we need to make sure that it comes out into the open anyway, for several reasons, one big one being the future of the girl who did it. She's really not a cynical, win-at-all-costs kind of chick, really -- she's been friendly with DD in the past and is caught between decency and her mother. Bringing this out in the open, showing her she can be honest and apologize and it will be accepted if she really means it, could be a turning point for her not only in sports (she needs to know not to do this again) but in life. DD still cares about her and knows what pressure she's under. Like you said, amy, it may be too late for her mother, but we wrote that we're not going to sue, so maybe her mother can feel safe enough (gag me) to let her daughter, at least, do the right thing. It's also important for the team's karma not to try to sweep this under the rug. It will be interesting to see how the head coach responds...DH basically quit unless it's dealt with correctly.

YIKES this is long -- just read it in preview -- I'll stop now and thank you all again -- I decided to share that I'd written this with DD and DH (we talk very openly with each other) and your responses helped a lot, every single one.

O.K., just saw something: probably worth saying that the folks who have been asking about DD are Erik's fellow coaches and one family of girls whose parents are both K-12 teachers and really sweet, caring people. NOT most of the other distance runners. The dear girl I refer to above was very solicitous of DD when she was hurt and is just naturally friends with DD, but her parents have made clear they consider our neighborhood not acceptable for friendship, so they haven't contacted DH. But friends from other arenas are caring as well, so that's good.

Well, Fly these kids make some of DD's schoolmates look like amateurs! It is sad to hear how the pressure has trickled down to even the youngest participants. I suppose it only escalates as they get older.

I wonder if there is any teaching going on in this arena....like the anti-bullying curricula that are becoming more prevalent in the schools. Not that you need to take this on (see above re: healing the world) but it would be interesting to know if its being addressed. This cannot be an isolated situation. Must be happening everywhere and I wonder who's talking about it, doing anything about it, etc.

I am delighted to hear you have a good doc on the case, and that the dx was not as bad as you'd feared. There was an article in the Times in the last couple of weeks, written by Perri Klass, a pediatrician, about the role her profession should and does play in the prevention of peer aggression. The AAP is rewriting its policy statement on the prevention of youth violence. I'd be quite interested to know what the sports doc has to say. Did you tell him what happened? Was there any response?

How is the emotional healing going? How is DH managing? How are you feeling physically? (Btw, even in a fibro fog you have one hell of a sharp mind, girlfriend!)

I'm with Amy -- reiterating my words from an earlier post about your fibro fogs. If this is how you write in a fog, I don't want to meet you in a literary/rhetorical dark alley when you're back to your real self!

ALso agreed about anti-bullying or let's-think-about-the-nature-of-competition programming, for the entire team, not just for the girl who pushed your sweet DD.

I know it's been a disappointing few months -- the school that didn't work out, this situation -- but I am sure that a door opens as a window closes, and that this will prove to be an important lesson for everyone involved. Meanwhile, I'm just really glad that DD's diagnosis is not disastrous, that she's healthy and OK, and you will be too, once the fibro episode wears off. That is by far the most important thing.

(((((Fly, DH, DD!)))))

Thanks, amy & walkin -- a big **mwah** to each of you :). The head coach has so far been a stand-up guy--he wrote DH this morning saying he'd already talked to the girl and her mom and he wants to talk with DH about it tonight. I fear, however, from e-mails folks sent DH, that the family is choosing *not* suddenly to change their stripes, although the girl's story is changing each time she tells it...you remember that she said "I was behind [DD] and I nearly tripped on her" to DH? Well, to another dad who somewhat saw it happen from across the field, and said that he knew they were close together on the track (so she couldn't use the "I was behind her" line), she said "weellll, there was some upper body and arm touching, but our feet never came into contact." Yeah, girl, talk about tangled web...

I sure do hope the head coach doesn't patronize DH tonight when he talks with him (they're meeting after practice) and say "there there, the girl's mom says the girl didn't do it, so you must just be feeling the emotion any dad would feel". I'd be tempted to swat the guy one with my mama-bear paw if he does that, but he's one huge mass of shotputter/javelin thrower muscle, so I'd probably do well to reconsider LOL

Whatever happens in the meeting tonight, we know what the truth is and it's on them to show their worthiness of DH's continued coaching or lack thereof (he is credited with bringing the distance program back from the dead, and it was really growing rapidly -- hence the sprinters were getting nervous and this girl was the weak link between the two). We can rage against the powerful suburban tide, amy, but there's no way, at least in public, that we could make these people suddenly think differently from how they have for years. As they say, the lightbulb has to want to change, and I think we've got some dim bulbs that have rusted right into their sockets out there.

But back concerning DD and her path: I had an idea that seems to be helping: if DD gets better in time, she can run some little all-comers meets this summer in the older kids' group, and see if she can get some times that she can compare with what gets turned in in regionals and nationals. At least she'll know, then, that she did achieve her goals, even if official recognition has lagged behind. DH checked the results from last Sat's meet (for the state team championship) and saw that if DD had run the same time in the 800 she did the week before at last Sat's meet, she would have come in first, ahead not only of the perp girl, but of two other girls as well. If she transferred the same new technique to the 15 as well, she'd have done the same in that event. Hope the recalcitrant perp girl keeps that in mind at States next week; DD's spirit will be right there, up ahead of her.... (slight mama bear growwwwwllll)

(and side note re your nice words--I'm wondering if it's something like when I'm just starting to write or talk, the words don't come as quickly, but when I've limbered up and gained some momentum, I can access what I want more easily? Or maybe that's not true; just noticed that my two big aphasia moments were at the top of that post. And walkin, something I console myself with these days is that my profs in my orals said that my 'exam' was not so much an exam as something like sitting chatting about various topics in theatre with Dorothy Parker :) -- of course that was back when we all smoked right in the classroom, so that must have been what they were referring to, right? :) Quit smoking, though, and there went my brain...post hoc ergo... )

Well blow me down.

I'll post more tomorrow, but suffice to say for now that things worked out as well as they possibly could have. Seriously. And I have such a cool DD - I'm so proud of her :)

toldjaso! ;-)

You better dish soon....I'm off for a week in VT and I neeeeed to hear the story before I go.

Glad to hear that you're feeling positive, this whole thing is abominable.

DD was punched in the face years ago at soccer; by a bully who "lost" it.
The said bully had been getting away with murder, with hypocritical hits, no one had ever said anything;
the league was not getting involved, I had to take my daughter with her 2 black eyes to the league president's house and show him what had happened.
Only then did he pay attention to my letters.

I'm glad your DD is going to fine in the long run; it's too harsh a lesson though.

Holy Suspense, Batman! You're going to keep us hanging until tomorrow?!

Spill it, sistah! I'm coming in a bit late on this, but now that I'm here, I'm spellbound! I'm so happy to hear that things have worked out well, but - details, details!

Good morning, y'all -- just sitting down with my chai...

First thing, (((mitch))) that *stinks* :( Good onya for standing up for your daughter and not taking no for an answer. She'll remember your tenacity and support for the rest of her life. (DH and I both have memories of how our parents *didn't* stand up for us to authorities ever, on anything, so we're determined not to make that particular mistake in this generation.)

So this sounds like a movie, I know -- I think of Pollyanna but without the paralysis...

As they told it to me, DH and DD drove down there last night at the end of practice, feeling a bit nervous as they pulled in, only to see the sprinters and the distance kids -- gasp -- playing Capture the Flag together! First, the sprinters had never played a game, only DH's distance kids; this was a double first because the sprinters can barely stand to have to breathe the same air as the distance kids anyway, much less acknowledge them as peers, and here they were laughing and playing together. Completely ODD.

When the kids saw DD, many of them broke from the game and *ran* to her, seriously. There was MUCH hugging and "I'm so glad you're back" and "Are you o.k.?" etc...one girl hung back from the group--the perp, of course. And DD noticed that the sprinter girls the perp usually hung around with were not clumped with her, either. The distance girls were all bouncing around happy to see DD, but even one sprinter girl and her mom came over to welcome her back and talk. One family volunteered to join us at the all-comers meets next month if DD's able. So while she's over with the kids and the moms, who are variously inviting her over to play with their kids (although I'm not holding my breath for it actually to happen--DD's just the it girl for the moment) and admiring her hair, which they'd never seen out of a pony tail (hey, it's what they know LOL), DH is over with the head coach.

awm03, you'll be interested to read this...The coach starts out with "well, I've talked to three different families and I have three conflicting stories" (meaning the perps, us, and one dad who saw it from across the field whom I mentioned above, and I could have taken the other two apart in court quite easily, but it's not necessary) and DH was gearing up for his "don't even try to call my daughter a liar" speech, but then the coach said "but on Sunday, I saw with my own eyes the girl do it *again* at a meet." DH was stunned to hear this. Evidently the girl felt pressured at the state meet in one of the events and she tried to push another girl out of her lane--again, no one official saw (but thank the fates our head coach did) and he went up to the perp's mom and said that the perp is developing a seriously bad tendency and she's got to stop pushing people out of their lanes. She was spoken to again on Wednesday much more forcefully, the head coach saying "[perp's mom] is super-competitive anyway..." with a significant look. We have to make sure that the policy of having to sit out the next meet that we suggested will be instituted, and it seems now that everyone knows that DD didn't "just fall", that the perp hurt DD and tried to push the girl at the meet, that the club isn't going to ignore it, so DD's psyche is healing quite well.

The timing of the coach noticing 'a pattern' is quite odd, actually, because we sent the letter on Wednesday afternoon, so on Sunday from *us* he didn't know that the perp was the person responsible yet. (I'm not inclined to think he's lying about the whole thing, esp. since another of the distance coaches has said he wanted to talk with DH about something that happened at the meet, when he gets back from an ultramarathon next week--now we have an idea what he might be wanting to tell DH). Reading between the lines there must have been even earlier incidents that caused the coach to say the perp was developing a pattern, The girl is seriously troubled (again, more on this below).

The coach then also told DH, if we can believe it, that on Sunday when people realized DD wasn't at the meet, and why, they came up to him "constantly" to tell him how much they liked DD, how fun she was, how sweet, how she was so nice to everyone, how her hard work had inspired them to work harder this year and how they wish she could come back and race - like going to your own funeral without having to die :). I wouldn't believe all this except for the reception DD got spontaneously from all (but one of) the girls of the club, the moms, the coach's wife, etc. (the boys were too cool to care, of course).

The coach's wife, who was included in the recipients of the letter we sent, actually said something funny by mistake: she said that she really admired DD's attitude (DD was doing what I do in those situations and making lots of jokes), then said "and you'll be back soon, you'll come back with a vengeance, right? Ah, I mean...you'll be working just as hard as before, right?" LOLOL

I had also pointed out to DH that one reason the push and the lack of witness to it happened was that there aren't enough distance coaches to have one with each group of kids -- as the only distance coach who shows up reliably (others are parents who do ultramarathons and such, not track distance, and they help out with runs when they can) he has to juggle *all* the kids of all ages and abilities and he has to rely on the older kids to regulate themselves sometimes. Which obviously has its vulnerabilities.

So the H.C. agreed to work from several directions to address this next year, seeing as the distance contingent has grown so much bigger since DH took over :). (I sit back and can see from a wider perspective the dynamics of what's going on there, kind of like sports dramaturgy :), and saw the organizational flaw...I also have suggested more interconnection between sprinters and distance kids, e.g. distance kids doing sprint workouts every so often like the great Nick Symmonds, sprinters doing distance workouts to help them with the 400 -- but I have no official track experience so I have to whisper in DH's ear and he gets credit for all these ideas. Love it. But as long as it helps DD and the team, I'll be the eminence grise)

So now about the perp. I am seriously worried for her. She came over to DD yesterday after some of the initial excitement had died down and said "I'm sorry *you're hurt*" (COME ON, girl, is it SO hard? evidently so--she is to be congratulated for coming over and trying, but she just couldn't own up to it, even or perhaps because of seeing how bad everything was). DD told her the full extent of her injuries and how she's going to have to train back, finishing with "I'll be back even stronger next year, though" with a sweet smile (which she repeated for me LOL). Perp girl smiled back weakly and kind of slunk away.

The idea that she has done it before and did it again in a *meet* is suggesting to me that maybe subconsciously she's so desperate she *wants* to get caught and banned, a la "suicide by cop". It's maybe the only out she sees.

But even beyond running, I have deep foreboding about what the teen years hold for this poor girl. I wish I could sit down with her mom and really talk with her about what her kids tell pretty much everyone who will listen, but the mom is a serious (shiny upper middle class blonde) hard case. She doesn't respect me or DH, who has tried to talk about the kids' training and nutrition with her before, to which she just says "I used to run too and I know what I'm doing." Well, o.k. Guess I just have to send out energy to the girl for strength and courage to seek out healthy people to associate with (she actually had hung around DD and always wanted to be on a team with her, ironically enough--DD thought they were friends, which is why the push was doubly saddening for DD).

Maybe I might try to find a time to casually talk directly with the girl herself. Not recriminatory, but supportive, letting her know there are other ways to live and she *can* find them and they will accept her if she doesn't push them away...(and now I know why the ex-husband of the mom didn't want his kids doing track. We never understood that before.)

I'm going to make sure that DD makes sure that the other kids don't demonize the girl for what she did, that they leave the girl an open door to come back in if she ever decides she wants to behave better.

So DD just has to let her ligament heal, do the PT, and get back in the game. I am *so* thankful for how the club handled this, and I just hope that the good feelings continue and grow, even if it took DD's injury, from which she'll recover, to hold a mirror up to people.

(A side note: I love this thing I see happening all the time--when something happens to you that people can see, suddenly people you have known a bit, say cashiers or postmen or whatever, suddenly share their own stories of similar things happening to them and how they overcame them, got better, came out stronger on the other end, etc. We even learned that an older-looking shelf stocker at the local pharmacy, just a person we asked where the knee braces are, was almost an Olympic gymnast (I could tell she wasn't lying by the way she talked) back in '72, but she tore her ACL by showing the mens' team a floor ex move she'd made up that, it turned out, Olga Korbut did in the Olympics later that year! (not that O.K. somehow stole it, it was just 'in the air' and the same idea occurred on two different continents simultaneously.) She has had extensive surgery but can still *downhill ski*! She was a *wealth* of information and humor -- DD and I walked away shaking our heads--you just never know, when you start up a conversation with someone, do you? :)

"...they will accept her if she doesn't *push them away*"

O.K., I completely didn't notice that when I wrote it LOL

This is just awesome. Kudos to you for keeping your cool and for facing the tough task of dealing with this. And big time kudos to your daughter. She has really handled this like a champ. Goodness does prevail and the bad does eventually reveal itself I've found, though it usually takes longer than this. Love the advice you gave your daughter about how to deal with this girl, too. So happy for all of you!

Thanks, cat_tail, I know what you mean...it has worked out so very well--but DD has this way about her that works conflicts out--it happens at her 'school', too, with students and teachers -- she solves problems and makes organizations better, *fast*, even when I've written them off and encouraged her to as well. She's got a talent. She isn't a magician, she couldn't make the magnet school let her in, but maybe that's a bullet dodged anyway.

OH, and I forgot to address your very good point, amy, about the role of doctors, sports docs, in this case, in the whole bullying thing. Our guy did, in fact, mention this issue: he said (paraphrasing) "sports are so competitive these days...soccer is the worst--those kids are out there desperate from age 8 on. I see this kind of thing way too often." He doesn't have any active plan about addressing it, though...maybe I might try to find that Perri Klass piece and forward it to him...

Well, this is all quite amazing. Thanks so much for relaying the whole story. (I am sure there is more, but you gave us all the big juicy chunks!)

Two things come to mind:

First, that your daughter is fortunate to have this life lesson so early on. Sadly, this kind of behavior continues in some form or another well into adulthood. She will likely encounter competitiveness, back-stabbing, sniping and other types of relational aggression again in her life and career. Luckily, she will have already had time to experience this kind of carp and process it with the support of a loving and intelligent family. It will serve her well.

Second, your words that maybe subconsciously she's so desperate she *wants* to get caught and banned are just haunting. This is a child in danger, someone capable of hurting others and maybe even herself. After my daughter's perp confessed, the entire staff at the school was aware and "on watch." (We have a friend on the inside!) These offenders need a safety net, dare I say it, a village. I think the more people that can be brought into this, the better. It's not about spreading gossip (i know you wouldn't do this). I just think she needs a lot of eyes on her...so does that mom-from-hell.

Lastly, (I know this is #3...whatever...) you remember how I said that you can't take on the healing of the worlds ills. Well, you can't because you are busy raising a spectacular person. But, the way you describe your daughter and how she can bring people into alignment so easily, well SHE sounds like the one who can heal the world. No matter what else you do with her, be sure to nurture and cherish that quality above all else. When I see kids like that, and they are rare, it gives me hope.

Carry on Family Fly! You're doing it all just right!!!

I was waiting for you to come back and post too!!

You all handled it very well! I'm glad to hear people were understanding and compassionate with your DD!

My mouth dropped when I read the girl did it again! Gosh, I'd like to smack her but it's said that,"hurting people hurt people.." Hopefully her Mom will eventually get some sense and the perp will overcome the things she's had to deal with.

Hooray! So much is going right here: the coach, your wonderful DD (wonder what life will bring her as an adult -- remarkable talent to have), and even the poor perp, who has finally called attention to herself with some sabotage, and whom I hope will get some help now. At least, I hope her overcompetitive, excessively blonde Mom backs off. (not to bash blondes... sorry, forgive the rhetorical flight)

Door, window. It seems this difficulty has brought you closer, has brought DD closer to other girls on the team, has helped underscore an amazing strength of your daughter's, and her diagnosis is relatively minor, so in the end little harm was done, and some lasting good might come out of it all. The best outcome one could wish, and the nicest family to wish it on.

I am beaming as I write. Big hugs, Fly.

Wow - What a great ending. And your daughter sounds like a remarkable young person.

Class will out...

amy, shee, walkin & sweeby, thanks so very very much for your kind, supportive responses. I think I'll print them out for when I have to remind DD *yet again* to empty the dishwasher and scoop the cat litter :)
For Father's Day today DH got to play with bicycles all day (his serious hobby), setting up a stationary bike for DD to recover on. The head coach lent her a trunk full of SPARQ equipment, as well, for her to do PT on at the local high school field. Her scabs are almost healed, actually (I give some credit to soaks with colloidal silver), and she spent 15 mins on the bicycle today -- it feels SO good to see her up and around again!

She mentioned yesterday that she had learned on Thursday that her 4x8 team had found a replacement. That's especially tough for her to hear since she has been excited beyond belief to do that precise event, since it's a virtual lock to go to Nationals (not very many entrants! :)). She would have gone in at least one other event too, but at least we can match her times against the times run and see roughly how she might have done. Watching her do her PT and bicycle today, it sure seems like she'll be ready to run the All Comers :) :)

amy, I looked up the Perri Klass article and there is some good commentary on it as well - I think I *will* send it to the doctor just in case he's interested. He's the lead doc of his well-regarded sports medicine practice, so he sees high level athletes and probably has contact with several coaches as well. Who knows what could be the turning point? (I refuse to use that other '....ing point" phrase because that author's penchant for inventing and marketing catchwords/phrases *ticks me off* -- I prefer my catchphrases from 30 Rock, thank you very much :))

You all have been so wonderful during this unpleasantness--big group hug :); I'll remember your all's sage advice for future events where I have to breathe calmly and try to remember about the arc of the moral universe, even as it applies to such shallow things as middle class American sports culture...I know it's almost ludicrous to worry about this kind of thing given what's going on around the world, but as amy so encouragingly said (you dear thing :)), you never know when you're maybe helping build someone who will be able to address those bigger issues one day...