After helping two friends who learned their husbands were currently having affairs, the very first thing I would do is post my story on the Marriage Builders forum. They were most helpful in walking my friends step by step on everything they needed to do including gathering evidence, exposing, seeking an attorney, understanding the laws in our state, etc.

Here is a link that might be useful: Marriage Builders Forum

Don't hit send. Not now and not unless and until it is a cool-headed and well thought through action. Angry reactions have a way of tarnishing the sender as much as the object of the info and you don't need to turn everyone against you as the vengeful B++ch he rightfully wanted to leave. Don't create sympathy for him or her -- just take care of you.

My dad taught me a lesson about imagining things you would say or do to get even or make you feel better and find a point where you can laugh and break that tension. Often that is much better in your mind than anything will play in reality and it gets you past that moment. If you can't lfind a way to laugh, then at least imagine how other folks would react to the dirty laundry -- see you as part of the problem -- how wrong everything could go. Recognizing what you don't want to happen or let get away from you can be a good deterrent. Vent safely. Act. Don't react.

Go do something for yourself today. At least get out of the house. If you have to take kids in tow, get them to a park, a library, a movie -- do something, don't just sit and stew. Your mind will naturally wander back, but the more you can regain your mental balance, the better you will deal with everything. Hang in there.

Since you have revealed you are a SAHM...I would definitely be making copies of all financial statements and calling an attorney TODAY. You are more vulnerable than if you were working and had your own income. If he is already planning to leave the marriage, he is also probably taking steps to insure he comes out ahead financially. I think a lawyer will be able to find out if he is diverting assets to private accounts.

Keep evidence and financial info in safety deposit box

NO vindictive behavior, exposing them, etc. It will only fan the flames. Take the high road, if only for the sake of your kids.

Agree with Blfenton....when the time comes, you both sit down with the kids and HE explains to them why the world as they knew it is falling apart. Again, no bashing of hubby to the kids..

Counseling to help you cope......do you think he wants a divorce or once he is confronted will he end it and beg your forgiveness? You need to be prepared for it to go either way and figure out what YOU want when all is said and done. Divorce is not the only option.

We're all here for you!

I am so sorry. So very sorry.

I am a fellow SAHM and have wondered myself what I'd do in that situation. Like you, I am very vulnerable. I've worked on/off throughout my years at home (from home) and have maintained my certification needed to go back to work. However, while it was my choice to stay home (and financially, better), I know that my career has suffered as a result. You have sacrificed and let HIM improve his career. Don't forget that-- even though you're not paid, he was able to earn money because of you. You made it all possible. Even little things that aren't little things, like you making sure he didn't have to take days off from work when the kids are sick, have drastically helped his career.

I am sort of surprised by some of the commenters here who are telling the OP how great their marriage is. Really? Wow. Anyway, my attitude is that cheating can happen to anyone. ANYONE. It is a possibility for any of us on some level, and the best way to avoid it is to not put ourselves in the wrong situation. If you think of it that way, it neutralizes everything to an extent.

Right now, think of protecting yourself as others suggested. Hitting "send" might feel good, but instead of focusing on the other woman, think of yourself, your children, and your husband. If it hadn't been that woman, it would have been someone else. She is irrelevant, and the more you think of her, the more you will become invested in her and make her part of your world. Don't go there.

I'll be thinking of you!

If you use a notebook computer or tablet, change the password on it, as well as on your phone, and keep them by your side. At night, keep them in a tote bag next to your bed. If the fellow starts to suspect you know something, he may try to find out for sure. Also change your IDs or passwords on your social media and don't stay logged in, including GW if he knows you're here. I saw a story about changing passwords to things that are important in your life, such as "stayfocused" or "keepyourcool" (or "hesascumbag", but the point of the story was that they should be positive), using numbers and special characters for some of the letters. If it's different from your normal password schemes that's good.

Don't destroy reputations anywhere but in your mind, she's taking care of that on her own and it keeps another level of drama out of your life.

First I am sorry for what you are going through.

I've always been told that once there is a question of the integrity of the marriage, especially if divorce is being considered, it ALL becomes business at that point. Become aware of your finances, gather documentation, seek legal advice, etc.

We currently have an acquaintance going through a similar situation. The wife found out through cell phone calls and texts to another woman (personal and employer provided cell phone.) The wife is collecting documentation. The wife told me she told her husband he had to sit down and tell their family (they have adult children living close by). The children listened, but then said it was their problem and they had to handle it. They loved both of them and weren't going to take sides. The woman feels like she has no support. She doesn't know if it's just a flirtatious emotional affair or if it is physical. Either way it puts a strain on the marriage. The wife told him not to have any more contact with the woman after a certain date; however there have been a few additional calls to the woman on the work phone, plus he has a lot of free time since he's on medical leave and she constantly wonders what he is up to. She is an emotional wreck.

The wife is extremely concerned about finances and keeping the house if something transpires. Apparently this isn't the first time he's done this. There is now a lack of trust w/ his wife and the employer. He stands to lose a lot. Only you can decide if it's worth staying in the relationship and living with the doubts or rebuilding trust, or if you can financially and emotionally separate after years together.

Seek professional or knowledgeable help for yourself. Our acquaintance needed a shoulder to cry on and an outlet for her frustration. My jaw about dropped to the floor as she was telling me this and I had no words of wisdom or good help to offer.

Whatever happens, allow yourself time to process your feelings and relationship. Statistically, marriages with infidelity more often than not do not end in divorce. (according to Dr. Phil anyway lol)

But right now, most importantly, let him know nothing, get hard copies of everything financial and get a good lawyer. Keep the upper hand. You are the one in control.

Do not press send. I was ready to call the husband of the other person, and I fantacised about it constantly. I too, could make her life tumble down around her as she'd done to me-but then I thought-what would be the point? She KNEW she was with a man who was married (as well as the fact that she had a husband who loved her, too) so by keeping quiet I had the delicious knowledge that I was making her MORE miserable knowing that I knew and could drop that bomb at any moment. It also kept my husband on his toes that if I found out he ever contacted her again, I could just make one phone call.

Childish? Probably, but it helped me gain some control of the situation, and that is what I needed-to have some control of a world that was spinning out of control.

Your husband has made it his practice to keep you in the dark-if you suddenly start acting differently or more secretly-he's likely to notice. Maybe not right away, but he will-he's been keeping a huge secret for a while, so he 'knows' you. So you're going to have to try to keep it as if you're still oblivious unitl you're ready to let him know you know. After you've contacted an attorney and gotten yourself less financially vulnerable. An attorney is going to be your best adviser on those terms.

I can't stress seeing a counsellor enough. And if you want to chat, you can PM me by clicking on my name and get my email.

((HUGS))).... If I were in your position I would take actions that protect my future for all possible scenarios and one of those possibilities is staying married thus I would not hit send even though I would want to. See a lawyer to know your rights but do not make any life changing decisions at this time. After visiting an attorney and getting my finacial ducks in order, I would then confront my husband, while the children are not present, and try to rationally discuss our options and desires. Hang in there and know brighter days are ahead of you.

Don't hit "send". Destroying someone else will not make you feel good. What will make you feel good is to maintain your dignity and handle this situation with as much restraint and class as you can muster. That is the best "revenge", but more importantly, the best thing to do for your own mental health.

I would follow the advice in this post about protecting and arming yourself for the best financial outcome. But I would also prioritize your emotional well-being. Find a professional to talk to asap.

Edited to remove double post.

This post was edited by melsouth on Wed, Jul 23, 14 at 22:54

Do not hit Send. If you decide to go ahead with a divorce, and once everything is settled and over and you still want to hit send - post again asking that question. But for now, don't do it.

Keep in mind, if he as cheated on you and he remarries or gets into another relationship, he will probably cheat on her.

As a SAHM, you need to find a tough lawyer who specializes in this type of situation - one who can find hidden assets or more income than he has told you about.

I wish you the best.

Before I read anymore comments, and with no offence intended, I have to differ with Annie's comment about the other woman being with a cheating man, being the same as you being with a cheating man. Though I wouldn't destroy her with the touch of a button, I certainly don't think of her as being in the same boat as you, the wife of the cheater. It's not the same. At all!
Long before I met and married my hubby, I met a man, I was in my late teens, he was 20. The second I heard he was married, separated, but still married, I hit the road, so to speak. We met through mutual friends at a gathering and immediately were attracted to each other. We talked quite a bit getting to know each. After a bit he told me he was separated and getting a divorce. He and his wife had been living apart for awhile at that time. We only talked, so he wasn't, technically, cheating, but to me, even thoughts of someone other than your spouse is a form of cheating. I admired him for telling me, but told him I'd be nothing more than a friend, unless even that posed a problem to his marriage/divorce.
This all happened in my home town the summer I spent with my best friend and cousins. We still saw each other now and then because of mutual friends, but I never let myself be alone with him. The next summer when I was home for a shorter visit, I saw him and we went on a date as he was then divorced. He was such a nice young man and wasn't upset at all when I said I wouldn't date him while he was still officially married.
So no, I don't see how the other woman is in the same boat as the wife who's being cheated on.

I have nothing to add to all the good advice you've already received but did want to say I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can only imagine how devastating it would be.

"I have not worked for years, it's the typical SAHM situation. I am super vulnerable."

Yes, you are. And the social/legal standards have changed, so the likelihood of a divorcing husband supporting an ex-wife forever at a comfortable level without her needing to provide income is pretty much nil. If you divorce, your standard of living is almost certainly going to decline, if not immediately then in the future. You need to get legal advice immediately because realistically, you do not have the same options as a woman who has either independent resources, or her own income.

You may find yourself faced with living on a drastically reduced standard v. staying in a marriage with someone you can't trust. If you have any way to earn an income, I'd put serious energy into moving forward with that. Even if you don't divorce, you will at least put yourself into a financial situation that leaves you a bit more solid so that you don't feel you are without choices in the future. Then too, it will give you a new perspective and a feeling of achievement and self-worth that you probably could really use right now.

Ann

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that a faithful wife's position was the same as that of a woman cheating with a married man. It certainly isn't at all. If that's how it reads, my bad. I apologize. That's not what I meant at all.

My point, a general one, was, so often when a man cheats with another woman, the women take it out on each other..."you leave my man alone"...when in fact he is the dog, he is responsible as he is cheating. He made the promises, he is breaking them. To me, it's the same kind of thinking that makes excuses for men's bad behavior and holds women responsible. That "boys will be boys" thinking. When, IMHO, the blame rests squarely with him. HE knows he's married whether the other woman does or not. HE knows whose heart he's breaking, the other woman does not. HE knows what this may do to his marriage and his children, the other woman does not.

And if anything, the two woman have something in common...that cheating man. That's not meant to imply they are on equal standing here, but only that if anyone is deserving of the both women's wrath, it's that man much more than each other.

Absolutely agree with seeing a lawyer ASAP. Good decisions have solid information as their foundation. I would also make copies of the information, and as noted above, keep it in a secure place, outside of the house.

While I would be tempted to out the other woman, I my greatest anger would be towards my husband and that would be where I would need to direct my energy., a marriage that has lasted decades has much more baggage to cope with. I have informed my DH that I discovered philandering on his part, any reconciliation requires him to make an appointment with a doctor to test for STDs.

Anele, if you are speaking of my first reply:
"What would you do? I honestly don't know. On one hand, I can't imagine this happening, but then again, it's happened to others when things looked so great, that you just never know. I know for sure I'd be heartbroken. We are the couple that our children and their friends say, when they get married, they want what we have."
I said that to make a point that this can happen even to what appears to be a good marriage. I meant nothing more than that. No one is truly safe from this happening. My hubby travels for a living, and though I can't imagine it happening, this could be happening to me, right now, without my knowledge.
bpathome, makes a very good point about changing you passwords and signing out of everything when you are going to be away from any device you get online with.
blfenton makes a good point in finding a lawyer that specializes in SAHMs. You want someone that knows what they're doing to help you come out financially stable, if you do decide to get a divorce.
Thank you for explaining yourself Annie. I still can't find any sympathy, what-so-ever, for the other woman.

I think that you need to find an individual counselor before you do anything else. A counselor can ask questions about what you want and help you to take the best emotional care of yourself now and as the situation evolves. He or she can help you figure out how you want to address it with your spouse, how to address it with the kids in a way that hopefully won't damage them too badly, and a lot of other things, too. If you're heading into a divorce, a lawyer will be necessary, but I think that especially in this current crisis, a counselor is important first.

The other woman is married also. She is just as guilty as the cheating husband. To me, ANY woman that knows she is involved with a married man is just as guilty.

Runninginplace has a very good point. I would start immediately looking into possibilities of income.

Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.

"If you're heading into a divorce, a lawyer will be necessary, but I think that especially in this current crisis, a counselor is important first."

I disagree; while one may not eventually divorce, it is absolutely imperative to understand exactly what the legal situation is, as well as get correct guidance on what steps need to be taken to protect or preserve marital financial assets. An unfaithful spouse is certainly at higher risk of removing funds without the wife even knowing what is happening; he's already lying and already engaged in an emotional commitment with another person that may lead to his leaving the marriage.

A counselor can certainly help figure out how to deal with the situation emotionally but first it is more important to know what's going on with the legal options to deal with a disastrous personal turn of events, especially if it may well impact her for literally the rest of her life. You can always find a therapist but you may not have a dime to pay for it if a cheating husband has spirited all the money away as part of his divorce strategy before you get a chance to lay any claim. And yes, it happens.

Ann

Get to the doctor and get tested for STDs. I am not kidding.

Do not press that send button. Good luck, I'm sorry you are going through this.

ML

Been there, done that :-)) I have to admit to being somewhat confrontational - it's just in my personality. Besides, it really irked me that he actually thought he was a pulling a fast one on me. I mean, how gullible did the idiot think I was? Of course I had to call him on it......and he still tried to snow me with additional stories and lies, the SOB!!

As soon as the initial confrontation was over - I like to think of it as a release of pressure like a volcano blowing its top - I contacted a lawyer. Once the legal aspects were somewhat sorted or at least known and acknowledged, then it is time to get yourself in the right place. A supportive family took me for some R&R and I joined a support group. A separation or divorce stimulates the urge to talk it out - what went wrong, who should have done what when, etc. - and friends and family get real tired of that real fast. A support group among those who are experiencing the same thing, with a qualified moderator, is a hugely beneficial outlet and sanity keeper. And having benefited from a counseling experience earlier in my life, I did that too. As much as I hated to admit it, even with a cheating spouse, these things are always 2-way streets and it was helpful to learn and gain insight from my participation in the downfall of our marriage. I am a better and stronger person for it.

Justgotabme, yes, yours was one of the posts that made me wonder . . .seemed like "rubbing it in" to tell someone that you are a model couple when someone is struggling so profoundly right now. But, I understand your point.

Annie, I very much agree with you and was thinking the same thing. So often, women forget the man in the picture and want to blame it all on the woman. But, maybe it works the other way, too (man blames other man). Maybe it is a coping mechanism, so that there is a chance that forgiveness can take place? If so, then I suppose it's a helpful attitude.

Rosa, again, I am so sorry. I am sorry for all of this. It's a loss, a death of sorts . . .take time to grieve, and surround yourself with support. It is during these times that you find who your true and trusted friends are.

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. I went through it myself recently, after 21 years of marriage. I was also a SAHM. The best advice I can give you, if you decide you want a divorce, is to hire the best attorney you can possibly afford. You may be entitled to more than you or your husband realize, especially if your marriage was 20 years or more. Many judges/mediators consider a 20 year marriage to equal permanent (until you reach retirement age) alimony. Even if you live in a no-fault state, I do believe a spouse's cheating comes into play in settlement -- I feel like it did for sure in mine, and I live in a no-fault state also. It is very difficult, but you will get through it. Feel free to email me if you want.

Anele, it's always hard to put ones feelings into written words so everyone understands the meaning behind them. I'm glad you brought it up, as I'd not want Rosa to feel I was "rubbing it in".
I was cheated on by a young male I had dated for quite some time, so I know the shock, pain, anger, "what did I do wrong", etc, so I never would have said anything to add more pain to what Rosa is already experiencing.

Hi Everyone, Thank you for all the advice and support. I am doing the best I can to hold it together. Two good friends know and are checking in and being supportive. I have a counselor too and she checks in on me but since what is worrying me most is whether or not I'll be able to survive financially I am also doing my legal information gathering with family lawyers. The most difficult thing is to keep things normal for our children. I am the only adult here, he is flying around as usual, so the burden is entirely mine. I have already done and looked into things that many of you suggested. Thank you!!!!

I won't repeat the good advice others have given, just wanted to say good luck. Keep doing what you're doing and get your ducks in a row. I can't imagine even being in the same room with him and acting normal so that he doesn't know you know just yet. The longer you have to prepare before he knows, imo, the better.

Before I start, I want to be clear that I am NOT defending your husband or what he did, just trying to add a different perspective.

One of my closest friends was the cheater in her marriage. She didn't love the guy she cheated with. She didn't even like him, really. In fact, when it all came out, and both marriages fell apart, the man wanted to marry her. She refused.

She's never really understood why she did it. She loved her husband, her home, her kids. She would give anything to be able to go back and erase it.

She knows that the decisions she made hurt so many people. I suspect though that she hurt herself far more.

This is a terrible thing to go through. I wish you all the best.

Rosa, I was going to private message this to you, but you haven't set your GW account to allow it, so that is why I'm saying it here.

I'm so happy to hear you have close friends to support you and are seeking both legal and psychological counsel to help you know with what steps to take and how to handle the stress.

I hope you know what I wrote was to explain that no one is truly safe from this horror you are going through and that I didn't want you to, for some unknown reason, blame yourself. We are all individuals and as well as we think we know our spouses or what the want from us, we can never truly know any other person completely.

I'll be keeping you and your family in my prayers.

Rosa,

You have gotten lots of sound advice. I am so sorry you are going through what has to be a profoundly painful and difficult experience. My best friend is going through the same thing right now after 25 years of marriage. She had some suspicions which were confirmed when the husband of one of her husband's paramours called to tell her. That turned out to be the tip of the iceberg. She did all the things recommended here: immediately saw her doctor for multiple STD tests, sought the counsel of an attorney, and started therapy. It has been a little over a year, and the divorce will be final soon (her husband is a very successful businessman with multiple businesses, which had to be valued by an outside evaluator, etc.).

The only "mistake" I think my friend has made is to constantly deride and make negative comments about him in front of their children who are now 20 and 17. The children are old enough to draw their own conclusions about their father's behavior. I can only imagine how hard it will be to "take the high road" in this situation, but I urge you to try your hardest to do just that for the sake of your children.

I am praying for you and wishing you peace and a good outcome, whether you decide to stay in the marriage or not. Also, do not sell yourself short. You sacrificed a possible career to stay home and raise his children, which hopefully will be valued like it rightfully should be in the eyes of the court.

Jana

I have to ask, if/when you 'dump' the evidence on him, he tells you he is truly sorry, still loves you, and the kids are his first consideration, doesn't want to break up the family, is there a possibility of reconciliation? Are you still in love with him? In your opinion, did you have a good relationship? Does he have a good relationship with the kids? Do you feel a break up will have a detrimental effect on them? Can you adjust to a lesser life style? Work a 40 hour work week and care for children, a home, bills, etc., etc., etc.

You're in the 'heat of the moment', anger, disbelief, and hatred are your only emotions. What it you look the other alternative, 'dump' the news on him, every shred of evidence, but tell him you would like to 'try' for a reconciliation, and are willing to forgive and forget, even though you know it don't be easy, at least at first , if ever. All because you still love him. And they lived happily ever after, celebrating a 30 year wedding anniversary! True story from many years ago when a neighbor who became a good friend found out her husband was cheating. After the initial shock, she confided to me her love for him was stronger than her hate, and she could 'try' to forgive and forget, and did. Only you know your capabilities, or willingness of the situation. I was so young but she was in her 40's and it left such an impression on me, and that it could even happen to me! I just wanted you to hear a happy story of possibilities.

So sorry you have to deal with this mess.

I had to deal with the same thing as a very young mother. My son was 2yo when my husband had an affair with a good friend/next door neighbor. I handled pretty much everything wrong except I never spoke poorly about my son's father in front of him. I never said why we divorced except to say that we just didn't get along anymore (what an understatement!).

Fast forward 23 years later and out of the blue my son asked me if his dad cheated on me with his step-mom. I asked why and he said that there were some time-table issues he couldn't figure out. Like how his Dad and step-mom were talking about attending a particular event together when he was only a year old.

He figured it out on his own and was old enough so I confirmed his suspicions. And I got to be the noble dignified parent which was often very difficult to do.

Keep your dignity and don't stoop to make yourself feel better in the short term.

Nothing new. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you today and hope you're doing okay.

I found out my husband had an affair in 2011.

It destroyed me. I had no idea why it happened -while our marriage was not perfect I never thought for a moment that he would ever do this to me. We have two teenage children.

We celebrate our 19th wedding anniversary on Tuesday. The road was not easy, and there were many setbacks. I am not always positive it was the best decision. But at this time, I am not unhappy.

There is much good advice here. I hope you find love and guidance your journey.

Carrie

Teen aged kids or older often have an idea of who was or is the unfaithful parent, even young kids sometimes have an idea (I did). However, they might not choose to deal with that directly, mentally or verbally which isnâÂÂt heathy. IâÂÂm not sure the right way to handle that though. Of course bad mouthing isnâÂÂt the answer but there should be some sort of acknowledgement. I was the kid in that situation years ago and it was very confusing to not have anything acknowledged. It made it all the harder to sort through. I would have preferred some straight talk about the mistakes made and what part of the future plan would affect my life. ThatâÂÂs just how most kids are, how it will change my life. Kids these days are pretty street smart on this stuff. But, they arenâÂÂt all the same either so itâÂÂs not a one size fits all conversation.

I really hate these infidelity stories; I want everyone to be happy.

I haven't read every word of this thread, but you are a member of a very large club. The number of men -- and women -- who cheat during a marriage is huge. In many cases (most, I think), it has to do with the thrill of doing something illicit. In the large majority of cases, they cheaters may think they are "in love" -- and they are, but not with each other. They are in love with the thrill of an affair. Your husband's actions may have nothing to do with his love for you.

I'd go see a lawyer just to be prepared. Learn all you can about your financial situation. Then tell your husband you know what has been going on. I bet he begs to be forgiven and wants to be with his family. My advice is to do what you can to save your marriage, unless you have hated the SOB for a long time prior to this knowledge.

I have been tempted many times to throw my XH's girlfriend under the bus, which is really easy to do via social media. However, I was miserable in my marriage before she came along so I was sure I wanted out and I have never regretted it.

By the way, her name is --- oh never mind!

Hugs to you Rosa. I'm sure you feel like the rug has been pulled out from under your life, and in fact it has. Do try to think rationally and don't do anything in the heat of the moment.

Ditto dedtired. In addition to consulting a lawyer as a "just in case" tack, keep in mind that there are professionals called divorce financial planners who can ferret out hidden assets, etc. It's always good to have info tucked away should you need it, but perhaps it won't be needed.

One thing I haven't seen mentioned is that you will need a way to pay for your own lawyer. My husband's sister went through this - SAHM, little kids, no income of her own, he cheated on her multiple times and brought her multiple STDs. She filed for divorce, but he fought her every step of the way (especially for custody, which doesn't seem like it will be an issue in your case). I think she ended up spending close to $40K in legal bills on a regular lawyer (e.g. not a high-powered lawyer from the city). Again, though, most of that was for the custody battle, which was really really bitter. Her parents funded most of it because they wanted to get her away from him with the best legal outcome possible re: custody and child support. If you don't have family with unlimited piles of cash laying around, you might want to consider how you'll come up with money to pay your lawyer -- I'm not sure what the legalities would be of opening a savings account just in your name and using some of your joint funds to fund it. But when you're doing your financial legwork, be sure to ask the lawyers how you can actually pay their fees should you proceed with the divorce.

Oh, lkplatow makes a really important point. I have a friend going through the same situation, with one minor child. Her ex is a lawyer and he has kept litigation going so that every penny of alimony, plus tens of thousands more has been spent on lawyers (he did have a lawyer at one point, but is now representing himself). The court finally sanctioned him and prevented him from filing more papers without the permission of a judge, so he started appealing to the Appeals Court. Now she has to have TWO lawyers because her divorce lawyer doesn't practice appeals. So if there is any way to squirrel away money before you act, it might be a good idea.

Divorces do not have to be mind-bogglingly expensive. Mine cost $1000 total. We both wanted out so we sat down and drew up our own agreement. We presented this to our lawyer. In truth she was MY lawyer and I showed it to her before he knew about it. She assured me I would never do better if we fought it out in court. Anyway, she filed the papers, we signed, I paid him $1 for the house and we parted ways.

I'm really sorry about your situation. Only you know who your DH is and can predict how he might handle you confronting him. Lawyering up wouldn't be my first act if I felt like we could work it out alone.

Paying Lawyers is very expensive. If you decide to leave the marriage and feel like he wants what is best for his children, I would bypass that as a first resort. You can research laws yourself.

You need to know how much money you have, where it's kept and how to access it immediately. If you have a hunch he would really leave his family destitute, you need to act on that, clearly.

But if you think you both can be rational, bringing up $$ issues first may take the focus off your relationship. You need to decide if your marriage is salvageable and if you want to salvage it. Spend $$ on couple therapy.

Good luck. You know who he really is. Make decisions based on that.

Hi everyone, Everything has come out in the open over the last few days. I don't think I should say too much in the forum but I appreciate and am taking in your support and wise words. Thank you.

thanks for the update Rosarugosa, I'm sending you good energy vibes for everything that is happening, it must be so hard.

Thanks for the update. So sorry you are going through all this...stay strong!

Oh, Rosa! I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Maybe getting it out will be the start of the healing process. I sure hope so anyway. I'll keep you and your family lifted in prayer.

It's probably best things are out in the open. I don't think you could have kept the knowledge to yourself for very long. Please let us know how things are going when you can. Take care of yourself.

Yes, better not to have to hold all that pain inside. I hope everything works out for the best -- the best for you! I'll be thinking of you.

Thanks for taking the time to check in. With everything that must be going on just remember that we're all wishing the very best for you. I'll keep you in my prayers. Take care of yourself.

If you are 'ballsy' and want to take a precaution against your DH cleaning out all of your checking/saving accounts,you might want to made the first move. I worked with a woman who was getting a divorce after 25 years of marriage. She decided to make the firsts move with re:to the money situation. She didn't want to clean out all the accounts for fear of some sort of repercussion by her DH, so her decision was to take $25K in the form of a cashiers check made out to her, a thousand for each year of marriage. When she told me what she did I was shocked, but also thought she was smart. It did become part of the settlement, but she had her own money and felt more secure. She ended up moving out of the house because the arguing became too intense, and was glad she made the decision to take matters into her own hands. Just another thing to think about.