You wrote that this is a good coach. One who uses language that shocks your 11 year old.

Is your son being bullied, or are the harsh words directed at the team?

As a parent, I would honor my child's wish to not make a deal about this. Keep the line of communication open with your child. You are going to want him to come to you with much bigger stuff in the future.

ML

peytonroad, I changed my post because I was responding to the comment about what I would tell girls, but I left out the word girls :)

Yes, If it were, me, I would would say to my son that the words the coach are using are very wrong and unacceptable and I would explain exactly why what the coach is doing is wrong and why he should not have to deal with that type of behavior.

BUT if it was my son, I would also say that I was very glad he trusted me to come to me about what was going on, and that if he does not want me to tell on the coach that I will respect HIS decision.

The last thing I would want as a parent is my child thinking he couldn't come to me and tell me stuff that was upsetting him without me making a big deal out of it and potentially making the situation much worse.

He should be able to vent to his mother about something and talk about the issue without worrying about how his mom is going to try to "fix" the problem for him. If he wanted you to tell the coach to stop, he wouldn't be asking you not to tell.

"If he wanted you to tell the coach to stop, he wouldn't be asking you not to tell. "

Or he might want the coach to stop, but is afraid he will be targeted by the coach if it comes out that he was the catalyst for getting the coach to stop--less playing time, more punishment from the coach, etc.

Sunlight is the best sanitizer. Bring it way out in the open. Invite the other parents to your house for a meeting. If you have to talk to the kids about it, also talk to them as a group, not singling out any one chid.

If your son is asking you not do anything about it, that MEANS he's scared and doesn't want to "make things worse than they already are."

then, if the other parents agree that the coach needs to be confronted, sit down with him alone, just you, and tell him how you're all feeling. Confronting him as a group will only humiliate him and make him defensive . Give him a way to save face while agreeing to change his behavior.

This post was edited by Tibbrix on Thu, Sep 25, 14 at 10:04

If the coach is having a winning season, sadly, I doubt they are going to fire him. I would send the anonymous letter to school - they will probably speak to it and it will hopefully end.

Wow, I too am shocked that some people on this board would let this slide. The coach's behavior is unacceptable. Years ago, our middle son had a baseball coach exactly like this one, and the coach's twin sons were actually on the team. He berated all of the players and used foul language, but he was the worst to his own children. On two occasions, he was ejected from games by the umpire. I sent a letter to the league's governing board (as did some other parents), and he was banned from coaching in the league permanently. This was a youth league, not a school team. I think you should do the same.

Ironically (or maybe not), the coach above was an air traffic controller! He and his wife also had an older son who was the same age as our oldest son, and he was the same way in the stands as a parent. He was also eventually banned from even attending games. His wife seemed to ignore it. After that experience, I often wondered about his kids and wife and if he was abusive at home. I couldn't help but think he must have been based on his public persona.

That is a good question: is it not okay if a math teacher talks like that, but it's okay if a football teacher does?

How does foul language "toughen up" a child?

Here is a link that might be useful: Concussions are forever

Peytonroad,

GW is funny. When you are doing something monumental, like picking out a throw pillow, people will be comment very gingerly even if they think it's the ugliest pillow they have ever seen.

But I notice, if you post a parent question, people can become very animated and direct and no-holds-barred.
Which is kind of a shame because I think GW is a good place to access a cross section of parents and get a read on current mores. And when raising kids, I think most of us want to strike a balance between what we believe in and what most kids are doing (being aware how much of a burden it is to be an outlier for a kid, and weighing the cost/benefits).

So really just an observation --- don't post parenting questions unless you are ready for some heat! : )

BTW, your particular question is a good one. It's funny how it seems to matter that he is a boy, not a girl, is 11 not 10, and is playing football, not a mathlete. I'm not sure it should..

If it were me, I would discuss it one on one with the coach. The only reason not to do so, it seems, is fear of retaliation. If retaliation comes about, then I would take it to the board.
I think the argument that this will teach your kid not to confide in you is not totally correct. You can't have a situation where you are sworn to never do anything about anything confided to you. He just has to trust you to handle it properly.

In any event, it's a good question and I can see both sides.

PS You know how kids now say "Shut the front door!" instead of "Shut the f*** up"? The other day my daughter was so mad and said to her sister "Shut the real thing!" LOL

I'd relay my concerns (just as you've stated them here) .... to whoever manages the coaching staff.

I'd be sure to say that I thought that the coach was doing a good job, ... but that he's using unnecessary profanity in front of the kids and directed at the kids.

"If you can't or don't defend your kid, who will?"

Peytonroad:

No one here wants you to not help your son in this situation we only disagree on approach. You have been in full parent-make-all-the-decisions-all-the-time mode for 11 years and it may be difficult for you to see that at the beginning of adolescence, it's time for those young legs to bear the weight of an adult decision occasionally.

When you make it known that you don't approve and place the burden of action, or lack thereof, on your son, it puts him in an uncomfortable position of having to choose between doing the bidding of a person he respects or stay on a winning football team. Make him struggle with this. It will make him a much better man than a foul mouthed coach will, I promise.

This post was edited by Trebruchet on Thu, Sep 25, 14 at 11:52

I haven't read all the responses but I think the coach's language is appalling and so inappropriate. You wouldn't accept this language from a teacher, troop leader, chess sponsor or even a clerk at a store for a brief transaction....why is it OK for the coach to talk like this?

Yes, by 6th grade your son has heard these words, but probably not from the other adults in his life. This coach is setting a very bad example and is not a good role model for the kids.

I would send him an anonymous note or email (if you have a user name that can't identify you). If it doesn't stop, then go to the board.

There is no reason or excuse to talk this way in front of kids.

Okay, FWIW, I asked DH.

He is an experienced kids ice hockey coach and player.

I thought he might say "big deal, it happens".

He said "that's bad coaching, AND it's wrong". His advice was to go to the league and complain, even anonymously if that makes it easier for you. Yes, one could argue you should go to the coach, but he agrees retribution is likely (esp with the kind of personality who does that to begin with).

I don't particularly care about the run of the mill swear words (f-bombs, etc.) but the cowardly, pussy biatches thing would have me seeing red and confronting the coach, the PTA, the school board so fast it would make heads spin off necks. And not anonymously! I am not a cowardly female, genitals or dispositions aside. (I'm not saying you are either.) Football (or any other sport) is not sacred, and tip toeing around unacceptable behavior for the sake of winning is exactly what has led to the Sanduskys and Ray Rices of the world.

As has become apparent, football culture has a tendency to be violent and misogynist, and obviously, it starts at a young age. How will it change if such behavior is given a pass? It's not acceptable -- at any age, or any gender.

Yes, this is a teachable moment, and it sounds like you've embraced that. As for retaliation -- I think that argument is bollocks. Talk to other parents, talk to the coach, get it out in the open, and make clear that no retaliation will be condoned.

I have been in exactly this situation, although with baseball instead of football.

My son played on our town travel team. The coach acted exactly as you describe your son's coach. When they were playing well, everything was fine. But, if someone made an error (it's baseball, they make errors!), the yelling and screaming and cursing would start.

For several years, my son didn't care. Honestly, he didn't make a lot of errors so the yelling was never directed at him. And, he was pretty oblivious as well. As long as he was on a baseball field, he was happy.

After the first season, we wrote a letter (not anonymously) to the president of the league. Two other families did the same. One additional person wrote a letter, but anonymously. The president met with us and heard our complaints. The coach was not removed, but a more experienced coach was brought in to "assist" the next season. That season was much better.

3rd season - the guy brought in to assist was not there anymore, and things reverted right back to where they were the first year. We contacted the president of the league again. Nothing was done. We were told since it was just 3-4 families out of 12, he couldn't do anything. We knew for a fact several of the other families felt the same way but were afraid to speak out for fear of retribution from the coach.

We were also concerned about retribution but knew we were doing the right thing. Also, my son was one of the top 2 players on the team, and this coach put winning above everything, so was fairly confident his playing time would not be diminished. However, even if I thought it would be, we would have done the same thing because it was the right thing to do.

Half way through that 3rd season, my son said that he would finish out the season but if that coach remained he would not play for him again. We asked him if he wanted us to find him another team, or did he want to stop playing. He wanted us to find him another team.

I don't know about football, but we learned that with baseball there are lots of options. We found him another team.

We did have people ask us why we didn't talk to the coach directly. There were several reasons. One was he made it very clear from the beginning he was not interested in parental input. Also, I thought about what I would do if my son's teacher was yelling and screaming and cursing at the kids in the classroom. I would not bother talking to the teacher and would immediately go to their boss (the principal).

If I were you, I'd write a letter to the board but I would not do it anonymously. In fact, the president of our league told us he didn't count the letter he received that way, and only considered the complaints from people he could talk to.

My son is still playing baseball and still loving it. I think that he learned from us that you do not sit by quietly when something like this is happening.

And, just to add, I do not have a problem with kids hearing cursing. I've been known to curse in my house and my kids hear it. However, when the curse words are directed at a person, that is a different story. This is not about an adult using a curse word which the kids have heard before. This is about a coach, an adult, abusing the kids in their care. It's about an adult demeaning the kids because they didn't live up to some ideal the adult has set. It's uncalled for and it's abusive. I will not sit by and allow someone to abuse my child. End of story.

Jill's last point is very key and one i meant to add... It's not just cursing

This is a teachable moment for the kid, sure, but it also is for the entire organization. I would write a letter to the board or whoever is in charge, not just complaining about the language but expressing simply and succinctly just why the behavior is harmful to our society-- eg, general coarsening, poor role modeling, misogynic -- and that part of the purpose of these sports leagues is to teach honorable conduct, so on & so forth and not lousy behavior in the guise of being "tough". I would ask also that they discuss this with ALL coaches and volunteers (not singling one out), include telling them that they can prepare the kids for encountering rough and hurtful language without resorting to it themselves, and establish a code of conduct.

I do think that this is very important. I have seen -- close up -- in my local community that teams/sports that start off this way when the kids are at this vulnerable age, have devolved into drinking, pot smoking, inappropriate sexual behavior, bullying and/or academic cheating all "tolerated" (or swept under the rug) in the name of loyalty, team spirit, school spirit, and "a winning attitude".

Get someone to help you write the letter if you need to.

Best of luck, Raee

My DH was a youth league coach for many years.
League rules explicitly prohibited this kind of behavior from coaches AND parents.
It had to be addressed in the rules because it was a problem at times.

In addition to anonymously contacting the board, you could anonymously send the coach any rules (highlighted) that address this.
You aren't a coward by doing this anonymously--he is an idiot, and you're being wise.

Many of DH's players were from low-income families and grew up in tough neighborhoods. They didn't need toughening up. They needed someone who could be counted on and who gave a crap.

Why not send a 'strong' message to the coach thru an email? Mention the impression he may be making on these 'young men' and if he really needs to communicate thru swearing tactics since his terrific coaching skills are enough. You can even mention if there isn't an improvement, you may have to contact the board as this behavior certainly isn't appropriate with young boys. Can you talk to someone from the previous year or two and ask them if he swore at the kids? If that's the case, it's obvious no one has ever called him on his language so he just continues as though it's ok. How about a petition signed by other parents? State how you as parents find it offensive and how you feel it really isn't necessary at getting a point across, and can be done in other ways. Aldo mention you think he's a great coach I f you really feel he is.

More than likely he's the same in his home environment, and it hasn't been mentioned as being inn appropriate. It may be for the betterment of more than just the team.

I should have added the need to talk to the other parents and if their child is hearing foul language being used at practices. If possible, before writing/sending a petition, try getting a couple of other parents together to attent a practice session or two, or try to arrange at least one parent be there for each practice. He may get the message he's being 'monitored' but will have no 'one' person to blame, which takes the heat off your son. It could change his behavior for the better, and future boys would not need to be intimidated by being sworn at!

I agree that sending a note/email to the coach anonymously is not being a coward, especially if you feel he will take it out on your son. I would do this before going to the board.....give him a chance to mend his ways before taking it to the next level. It will be an anonymous exhange between two people...no one else need be involved at this stage....hopefully this will be enough to end it...and no one is humiliated, put on the spot, etc....if it doesn't, then band with other parents and go to the board.

try getting a couple of other parents together to attent a practice session or two, or try to arrange at least one parent be there for each practice. He may get the message he's being 'monitored' but will have no 'one' person to blame

I don't know about the OP's situation, but in my situation this would not have helped. My son's coach told parents we were not allowed near the dugout during games or practices. His talks with the kids where he would berate them were always held out in left or right field, as far from the parents as he could get.

By the way, my son's baseball coach was also the town football coach. At one football game, where the team was getting beat pretty badly, he took the kids into the bathroom at half time and locked the door. He did this so he could yell at them without doing it on the sideline in front of everyone.

I was shocked that not a single parent of a child on that team did anything about this. If my son were on that team, my husband would have been picking the lock to get in there while I called the police.

Jillini, you may be right on this. It's been yearrrrrrrs since my kids were on a league of any kind, and that possibly may have been the case. If it isn't written in the manual/handbook, how would a parent know? With that said, I would ask the coach, 'why not', especially being near the dug out. You could say you want to see how he 'revs' the kids up. As for sending the kids to the locker room, not all coaches may think to use that tactic to 'ream' the kids, and again, should be asked why they're leaving the field, and question him in regard to 'breaking the momentem'. Just a thought.

I'm older, and my kids are grown with children of their own, but there is so much wrong with this situation that I can't not contribute. This coach has so much power over this team, thereby making the kids uneasy about "narcing" on him. I am so impressed that your son is talking to you about this.

However, it needs to be stopped…are the dads involved in these concerns?? I think they should be the ones to express concerns, thereby helping show these young boys how to become strong men. Coaches are supposed to lead by example….hate to think what his example is showing these boys. Doesn't matter that they are winning, and if he leaves, they might not. They need and deserve a coach with integrity & not a bully full of anger, taking it out on these kids….kind of makes me sick.

Of course you can use this as a teachable time in your son's life, which you are, but I think that coach needs to clean up his act & his mouth, or be gone.

OK….off my grandmotherly soapbox now!

Lizzie, I'm 'wearing' the same shoes, older w/ adult kids and grands. The idea about the dad's is even better than the OP getting involved , maybe *they* need to man up in defense of the situation.

Abusive and disrespectful language. Misogyny and homophobia. Intimidation. A sport that glorifies violence and results in injuries, and sometimes deaths.

I'm sorry, but, it's par for the course for football. Which is why I would never have a child involved in it in the first place.

Competitive activities need not be that way, but violent competitions do tend to bring out the worst in folks. Including a lot of parents.

Yes, take a stand against it, but don't be selective by just having a problem with Mr. Symptom of a Bigger Problem. Take a stand against the whole sport. And put your son in something safer and less violent.

We've had to deal with this situation and quite honestly my kids suffered retribution because of it. Twice DH spoke to coaches about abusive behavior and in both situations my sons were benched.

In one case the coach of a 6th grade baseball team not only verbally abused them but he would stomp off the field in anger or throw equipment. He nearly hit the batter once when he threw a metal baseball bat against the backstop during a game. The umpires threw him out of the game and made him leave the field.

After that we resorted to anonymous phone calls to the league. None of the other parents wanted to say anything for fear their children would not get to play. Neither DH nor I thought it was the adult way to handle it. However when you're dealing with someone who doesn't behave like an adult then your choices are limited.

This post was edited by maire_cate on Thu, Sep 25, 14 at 19:23

patty - his reason for not wanting parents near the dugout was he wanted the boys to focus on the game/practice. It was all BS, of course. And we all knew it.

Let me clarify about the half time talk in the bathroom. It wasn't a locker room. It was the bathroom at the snack shack at the park. Completely inappropriate. My son was not on that team. I would not let him play football, and even if I did it would not have been for that coach. He was awful in baseball and even worse in football. I am still amazed that not a single parent stopped him, or called the police once they realized what he was doing.

I'm still bothered a bit by those who are advocating anonymity so as to avoid retribution. I didn't mean my earlier comment to imply that was cowardly (I was attempting a tie-in to the coach's language), but this seems to me like allowing a bully have his way. If you are afraid of some kind of retribution for you or your kid, aren't you letting yourself be afraid of this bully and letting him get away with his egregious behavior?

I do understand however, that there's a real life kid involved, whose parents must make real life hard decisions, and if the decision is to remain anonymous, I get it. Don't like it, but I'm just an internet stranger, and it's not my kid.

Jillinnj, I hope the OP reads your 12:48 post.

thanks everyone for the posts.

i don't think I would switch him from the team. I think that would give the wrong message to him and the other boys would find fault with him.

I have an idea, got it from my mom..I think I am going to simply place a typed note on his car window expressing my concerns... see if it changes and then elevate it to next level if necessary.

It has been a real eye opener seeing all the different WWYD responses here.

We would absolutely send a letter directly to the commissioner about the coach's poor and abusive behavior, signed by my husband and me. The commissioner can give the coach the opportunity to clean up his act or be fired. That responsibility is not yours to own. If the commissioner doesn't respond appropriately, time to find a new ball club!

I grew up with football players and coaches. I know many fabulous players and coaches with good character who would be appauld at this behavior. My brother played Division I college football and has coached on the high school and Division I college level throughout his career. These kind of antics should not and can not be tolerated and usually are not, despite what seem here think. This is not a "boys will be boys" situation.

We are also quite involved in hockey, and both my son and husband play. Sure they check each other, but strong coaches demonstrate, teach and expect respect.

And since football gets a bad rap so often, here's a good story everyone should watch ... including your son.

Here is a link that might be useful: A football player with character

Another thought: you could attempt to speak with the head coach of a local high school football team and get his take. Just call him up, and tell him you have a question about whether this type of thing is acceptable. I'd quote him or another local, well-liked football professional in the letter to the commissioner to let him know others are aware of the situation.

If people in your community don't want to speak up against the behavior, well at least you'll know what is and isn't tolerated in the wider program.

Ugh, stories like this just infuriate me. Fortunately, in our experience, it was the exception, not the norm. At the least, it's a poor excuse for coaching. Just plain incompetence. And yes, I realize this coach may be a volunteer, but if that's the best he can do, he should step aside and let someone more capable step up.

We live outside Houston, and football practice here starts in August, when it's about 100 degrees day after day. Our hs football coach, who has since retired, used to tell the boys, "Oh, go ahead and get some water if you wanna show everybody what a pussy you are." Who can even believe crap like this still happens?!?!

I don't see anything wrong with doing this anonymously because I wouldn't have much faith that a man who coaches this way could be trusted to act professionally or with integrity once he was confronted. I don't think the note on the windshield will work because I doubt he sees himself as a problem. More likely, he justifies this with his view that the &*%&% kids make him behave this. A letter or note the Board, inviting them to stop by mid-practice and observe might be more persuasive.

Out of curiosity, what "wrong message" would it send to change teams?

" None of the other parents wanted to say anything for fear their children would not get to play."

That is really pathetic. I feel sorry for those kids, having cowards as parents. Why would anyone think a recreational team sport is worth putting up with this kind of stuff?

And yes, I think the responses would be very different and united across the board if we were talking about an 11 year old girl. For some reason there is still a weird atavistic urge to throw boys into the deep end to see if they can swim, metaphorically speaking, in expecting children to come up with a solution to a problem adults are finding difficult!

On the retribution thing, it is sad to say that may also be part of the teachable moment. Doing the right thing is often the unpopular thing, it sucks but it is true. At 11, if he loves football, this is not his last chance at ever playing and there are other options. Explore those options. See what creative things you can do. Could he write to a professional player with ties to the community to speak to them or write to a professional coach who could write a letter about what true coaches are?

I think you also have to face the reality that if your son truly loves football, continued exposure to such behavior may rob him of that joy. I understand beagles point but 11 (especially for boys) is just the very beginning of adolescence and his experiences at this time could have a powerful impact on the man he becomes.

There is no way I would allow a coach to talk to my son like this. I don't understand why as a parent, you cannot simply say directly and kindly "The words that you are choosing to use with the players are inappropriate and it needs to stop".
There - done. It's that simple. What is he going to do? If he benches your son, contact whomever is in authority over him and tell your story. It has so start somewhere and what a wonderful message you would send your son, that adults don't have the right to talk to kids that way. That coach is a big bully and has a lot to learn about motivating his players in a healthy way and this is not it. If it does not improve, put your son on a different team but don't go quietly. Maybe the other parents just need someone to stand up first before they follow suit. And if no one else does, who cares. He's YOUR son and it's YOUR responsibility to protect him. My kids have all played in lots of sports and I never would have allowed what you have described to go on. JMHO

This is why I detest Football. It takes our children from us and does what to them?!!!? It's an American Sport! (Creating men who are so full of Totesterone and fighting that they can't be real people,)

I think you are wasting time complaining. You aren't cut out for the sport. Try soccer. That is what we did. We just left.

"Posted by kswl (My Page) on Thu, Sep 25, 14 at 21:56
" None of the other parents wanted to say anything for fear their children would not get to play."

That is really pathetic. I feel sorry for those kids, having cowards as parents.

Why would anyone think a recreational team sport is worth putting up with this kind of stuff?"

And handling this anonymously is not cowardly?

I did not and do not advocate handling this anonymously. My advice was to send a letter detailing the incidents and complaints to the governing board and send a copy to the coach himself. There's nothing to be gained, IMO, by speaking with the coach alone, remembering that old saw 'never fight with a pig; you'll just get dirty and the pig enjoys it.'

I am going to address your original post and not all the responses.
I am a football mom. I have two sons, ages 15 and 13, they have played youth since 3rd grade. Then, on the middle school team, my eldest did not continue on in HS he felt he was too small.
I would not confront the coach, because he is not your coach, he is your son's coach.
He is the league or the board's choice. If you have comments, address them to them. But learn about the structure of the league/board first- how is it organized, how are coaches selected, are they paid or volunteer. Be involved. If you are not, your comments may be less welcome. (in other words if you just show up with the negative....)
If you are a consumer or this team, ie you live in a locale where there are options, that can aid you.
Yelling at the team is not abuse. Screaming at,making it personal and debasing an individual player is. Play related yelling is needed often. Saying 'you play like cowards, b's and p's" is poor language choice.
The b-word and the p-word would not work in my town because we have a girl on our 8th grade team. And, to be honest, we are an enclave of, primarily, highly educated, liberals. Think of analogies for other gender, race, religious groups- would it be OK to say they play like.... (insert slur of choice here be it anti-gay, anti semite, racist, etc...) No way.
That said, he is a bit of an ignoramous. But that doesnt mean he is a bad coach. You, yourself, say he is a good coach.
Playing like cowards- lets talk about that concept. And what it means and what was probably discussed after the vitriol. Telling the line they play like cowards, means they are not blocking. Playing like cowards, means someone might get injured. Coaches hate injuries. I have seen coaches with tears in their eyes because a block was missed and a player got blindsided. No one likes that. So you have to play tough and you have to play smart. And you cant play like a coward.
So that's one lesson. There are so many lessons here to grow from. He uses bad choice of words. Why are those words a bad choice? What does it mean to say you play like a pussy? What does he mean, what could others think, why is it offensive to you? Share that with your son. And his friends, if available.
I have with the team, or a bunch of them, after a game discussed yelling and behavior of coaches, examples of good sportsmanship- the player from the other team who helps you up, bad sportsmanship- the player from the other team who cleated you on the ground in the ribs after the whistle, being a leader- 'yes you are frustrated that he missed the block- but you are the captain you have to boost him up too- he knows he missed the block', camaraderie- the teammate who consoles you, respect- why we 'take a knee' whenever there is an injury.....
Football is a wonderful sport. Yes it is rough. But it is about strategy, planning, thinking on your feet, and TEAM- on and off the field. It is about bravery, defending others, being a leader, being unafraid to stand your ground.
Story: A boy was being bullied in art class last year None of his 'friends' stood up for him. My son said- stop. When he was not listend to, he said stop again. It stopped. My son then observed this same boy being mistreated by the same boy on the playground. He went to the principal and explained what he had seen and that it was wrong. The victim was then called to the office and revealed he had been the victim on longstanding bullying.
Football helped my son know that was not acceptable and to stand up and be heard.
My son never told me this occurred. The mother of the boy called me and thanked me.

"Saying 'you play like cowards, b's and p's" is poor language choice."

That is not all it is. And sitting around with your child in a post game deconstruction of "what it means to play like a pussy" doesn't address the problem. The coach is, by definition, a bad coach. This sanction of bad behavior and abuse of position by the victims themselves (or their parents on their behalf) is why the football culture is what it is today, IMO.

Peyton --

I think your idea of leaving a note on his windshield is excellent. A couple of thoughts --

Write the note from the "we" point of view.

Make it clear that the note is just a first warning shot. As in: "We are delivering this message privately because we believe you have many good qualities as a coach. However, we want you to know that if your language does not improve, we will address this issue with the board."

Using the word "we" will make him think there are a bunch of you.

Using the word "privately" rather than "anonymously" makes it clear that you are delivering this warning as a courtesy to him, NOT as a shield for yourself.

Good luck and keep us posted. There is NO excuse for this behavior.

Okay…. so how are you going to put the note on the windshield without being observed by someone?

i don't think I would switch him from the team. I think that would give the wrong message to him and the other boys would find fault with him.

Thoughts about this --

First, if you didn't try to fix the problem and just removed him from the team, I agree that would send the wrong message. That you run away from a problem and don't address it.

However, if you attempt to address it and it does not get resolved, then you leave the team. IMO, this sends the message that you tried to fix the problem but you cannot control others, and you will not let your son be abused in this manner. I am not sure how this can be the wrong message. If you worked for a company where you boss was abusive, and the company wouldn't change it, would you stay? Or would you find a new job?

About going to the coach instead of the board -- I would bet that this coach has heard this before. If this is how he coaches, I doubt it just suddenly appeared this season. There were probably parents in the past that said something to him. In my experience, they do not think they are doing anything wrong. In fact, they think they are toughening up the kids and teaching them how to win. You talking to him (or writing letter) will do nothing to change his behavior, IMO. I could be wrong, of course. Everyone is different. But, in my experience, they think they know better and you're just babying your son. Believe me I've heard it all from the coach, the coach's wife and other parents. On the other hand, I had parents tell us they were impressed with what we did.

I think the only thing that will change his behavior is the threat of losing his team by his bosses (the board). I don't know if your board will do that. It won't change what the coach thinks is the right way to coach, but it might make him temper his words to avoid losing the team.

Having our son leave the team he'd play with for 3 years was hard. He was playing with all his friends in town. But, we knew we couldn't leave him in that situation. And he had finally had enough of the abuse and without prompting from us, he said he wouldn't play for him anymore.

My son is now 13, so we've been gone from that team for 3 full seasons. Best thing we ever did. He's played for some really wonderful coaches. And some bad coaches too. But, he's learned that not everyone is like that. And he's met some great kids from outside town.

I'm not trying to minimize how hard it was. I was sick over it for a long time. It made me so angry that we were forced to leave a team where his friends played because the coach was a jerk, and the town wouldn't do anything about it. It still makes me angry! But, in the end it was a good thing. My son learned baseball from other coaches and organizations we've played for and is a better player for it. It has also taught him to deal with situations of being the new kid on the team. For some kids, this is easy. My son is not outgoing and that is not an easy thing for him. But, on every team he has made friends and I think he's learned that even though he's uncomfortable in that situation, he can handle it. Another good life lesson.

I apologize for my long rants on this. I am so passionate about this. Youth sports is a strange place. We've had some awful coaches and some wonderful coaches. And the parents! Don't get me started on the parents. Some are as bad or worse than the bad coaches. But, I've also made some wonderful life-long friends through my son playing. My DH and I and another family (that also left town at the same time), are always saying we should create a reality TV show - "Travel Ball". You would not believe the things we've heard, mostly from parents, on the sidelines of games.

It's not the profanity that would bother me, it's his verbally abusing the players. They are SIXTH GRADERS ... he needs to be doing more coaching and less cussing. Calling a boy a "pussy b#tch" for dropping a pass does not teach the child to catch better.

First - get him on video
Second - post it on YouTube
Third - Share it on Facebook

Stand back.

I would come face to face with this despicable "coach" and tell him under no circumstances is he to call my child a "pussy". If it continues or there is retribution - I would pull my kid from the team.

He will be upset, but I would explain to him that some things are just more important. I would talk to him about the importance of belonging to a respectful society how you should never accept bullying or disrespect from anyone.

I really don't care about cussing in general but purposely trying to humiliate another human being is unacceptable.

"Your son may be learning football from this coach, but he's learning much more. He's learning that the worst thing to be called is a "pussy" (a female) or a "biatch" (a female). He's learning that bullying is how to get what you want (a winning team for the coach). No wonder that pro football is finally being exposed for the violent, woman hating/battering culture it is.
Yes, your son is learning a lot from his coach and I applaud you for wanting to take some action to stop this behavior. I think the time is ripe to take this up with the board, whether you do it anonymously (trying to protect your son) or publicly (teaching your son that there are things in life more important than football)."

I haven't made my way through the whole thread, it is appalling and ridiculous. But I agree with Olychick, for one.

This is a young impressionable elementary school child, not a young man or an NFL trainee. They are young children playing a game. The lessons taught and learned do not need to be poor ones, maintaining the status quo.

We had a teacher bullying the kids including girls in elementary school, about that age, and the mothers took a united stand with the administration. He was relieved of his "teaching" duties. That is their business to know about how their classes and sports teams are being facilitated, and they would want to know. I see no reason to sweep it under the rug for this abusive JA.

All are not adults. You know very little about this individual other than he already displays behavior and attitudes you probably don't want to deal with or be subjected to. You also have to worry about your son being singled out by him or other kids. Standing together as parents, anonymous to him, to the administrators, might help with that situation.

I would not want this person around my kids or teaching them anything! Good for your child to know better, mom! Keep up the good work, raising a fine young man!

This post was edited by snookums2 on Tue, Sep 30, 14 at 16:22

Oh my goodness. I complete agree with those who think this "man's" actions are despicable and need to change immediately.

One note about the whole, "respect your son's wishes and not talk to him" issue. Absolutely not. Your son is still a child. An 11 year old is NOT a man. Not even a young man, as someone said above. You are the adult and your say is the final one.

Here's an example. Years ago, in high school, I was a music major. There were times were the music room was pretty empty, and during one of those, I saw my (very mean) orchestra teacher in his office (had glass-- we could see in fairly easily), with a freshman on his lap. The boy was crying. I don't know why, but it doesn't matter. A high school student should NEVER be sitting on a teacher's lap. There is no good reason.

So, I told my mom about it, but apparently I told her not to say anything. And you know what she did? She LISTENED TO ME. As an adult, I am horrified by this. Likely, this horrible man was a pedophile and should have been investigated. I am upset that she listened to me. Why?

This horrible orchestra teacher humiliated us frequently. I thought this was the way conductors were. Until, that is, I got to college and was a music major there. Absolutely no bullying or condescending words. Frustration sometimes, sure, but there was a high level of professionalism. You want a GOOD coach, and this person certainly doesn't fit the bill.

Is your son going to be a pro? Who knows. And if he is? You want him to be an NFL player who has the highest of morals, as you do. What he really needs to learn is that bullying and misogyny are completely unacceptable. I fear this he is also sending negative messages toward the LGBT community. This is more important than any "lesson" in football. I am concerned for the other children on this team who do not have a parent like you-- one who is involved and concerned. After all, one out of four women in college will be raped or attempted to be . . .language is powerful. These boys need excellent role models, especially from their coaches.

As the mother of 5 girls, I am very grateful to you, that you are raising someone who will grow up respecting people. Thank you!