I'd insist she get another breast exam -"The machines are totally different now", etc. Offer to make the appointments and insist you will drive her. I'd be willing to throw a wall-eyed fit. But if none of that works, I'd tell her how angry I was about it before you just decide to love her while she is here.

Oakley, you have a bit of your mom in you too! I have harped plenty of times about you needing to see a Doctor! The apple doesn't fall far from the tree...

I know how frustrated you are, and how helpless you feel. I think you need to print out this post, just as you have written it, and send it to her. Tell her that this is how you feel, and you are scared for her, and scared of losing her. I would also tell her that NOT having the mammogram isnâÂÂt going to change her health - if she has cancer, she will have it with or without the mammo. And she has a number of risks, including her age, her smoking history,and her overweight. Having the mammo WILL possibly give her peace of mind when things come out fine, but also can find issues early BEFORE they become untreatable.

My MIL never had a mammogram in her life - too modest and embarrassed. SHe died at 69 from the results of chemo that followed the mastectomy a few months earlier, when the lump on her breast was discovered as the result of a heart event. She died TOO YOUNG, and it all might have been avoided or at least been treatable, had she had a mammogram regularly,

But once you have sent her the letter, there is nothing more you can do. She IS an adult, and has the right to decide for herself what she wants to do, just as you do. ANd then do as golddust so wisely suggests, and tell her that you are just going to love her and enjoy her for as long as you can.

lol Gold, I'm not the one who did the topic! And remember, I do see a doctor once a month!

Pesky, I understand your frustration and I also understand your mom's POV. Many people are deathly afraid they'll find out they have cancer and their lives will be over shortly.

You said she drinks like a fish. Is she an alcoholic? That's what I'd be more concerned about because of her liver. She can die suddenly with no warning because of cirrhosis of the liver.

So she's got a lot to fear right now, and if she's drinking she'll keep blowing it off.

I'd tackle one problem at a time with her.

I know the concern you feel and are only trying to help her but I wouldnt push too hard. I would state my case. perhaps take les's suggestion about printing out this post, give it to her and then leave it at that. She is an adult and you cant make her do anything she doesnt want to do. It might cause hard feelings and you certainly dont want that. If she doesnt have long to live you want to spend as much quality time with her as you can, and not be arguing. Good Luck.

Excellent advice. I think I will do what Les suggests. I told mom that my last mammo was the only one I'd had that was uncomfortable...I get them annually since age 40. My last showed something, had an ultrasound and it turned out to be nothing of concern. She said she'd feel something if there was anything. Sigh.

Yes, I believe she's an alcoholic. Her image of an alcoholic is someone who passes out drunk. So she doesn't believe she has a problem, tho she drinks A LOT of hard alcohol daily. At least 4 very strong drinks every day, if not more, with about 3 oz of booze per drink. And she and her DH entertain a lot, which means even more booze.

So you see, I'm resigned to the fact that she's on a dangerous path. I'm trying very hard to not get mad at her, because I know that any day I'll get a call that she's gone. It's just hard to talk to her, especially now that she's remarried. When she calls, she's got her phone on speaker while her DH is in the room. You can't have a conversation alone with her! When I see her, she never relaxes, because her DH is nearby. He's not a problem, he'd give us space if asked, but SHE hovers over him and won't take time away from him. Yegads Mom...he DID live alone for over a year before you met him!!

As I write this, I believe more than anything now, a letter to mom is in order. If nothing else comes of this, I will make sure that my affairs are completely in order so that if I ever get to the end of my life, be it sudden or immediate, my children won't suffer. I'm going to ask them what they want for me, today, so I can get that in order. I'm so anal retentive about this, but having lost two Dads, and now looking at losing my mom (and in the nearer than not future another FIL and my MIL's long term future), I just don't want my kids to have to be so strong that they can't grieve in a healthy manner.

I've been there Pesky, and lost my mom much too early (almost 3 years ago). There's no easy answer... But in plain terms, the facts are these:

-- Your mom's health is likely not good, the predictable cumulative result of years of unhealthy choices. That damage is done -- water under the bridge -- something that can't now be undone with any sort of intervention. So lecturing your mom about her health habits and past choices isn't likely to do any good.

-- Your mom appears to be in denial about her health -- the 'What I don't know won't hurt me' philosophy. I get that. It's something we all do from time to time, and to a certain degree, that's her right as an adult. Knowing the bad news only helps when there's something constructive you can do about it.

-- But, the combination of these two factors could absolutely mean that a treatable condition goes untreated, both shortening her life by many years, and reducing her quality of life for however many years she has left. And IMO, that is intervention-worthy. Assuring that she live better and longer is a perfectly valid concern.

I'd focus the intervention on keeping her in the best possible future health, not on 'bad-news' diagnostics and unpleasant and unwanted lifestyle changes that she'd be unlikely to stick with. Sure, she'd be healthier if she gave up fast food and dropped 40 pounds -- but you can't make that happen, and you don't want to sour your relationship with her trying to change who she is and how she lives. It doesn't sound like she wants to change her lifestyle, and it could be that by assuring her you won't harp on that, you may be able to get a toe in the door medically.

What's her personality like? I mean, is she pragmatic? Dramatic? Are her feelings easily hurt? Would talking honestly and openly about her inevitable eventual death (in theory) be painful or offensive to her? If the focus is on keeping her 'reasonably' healthy, independent and mentally active (translation, out of a nursing home!) would she be receptive to that?

I'm sorry, Oakley! Why did I think this was you? I guess I find myself worrying about you sometimes.

Pesky, the same advice applies to you. LOL!

Pesky, you MUST forgive your mother now and drop the anger you have towards her. Although she's your mom and you think you know her better than anyone else, no telling what runs through her mind that you don't know about.

She's from another generation where all this health talk and new medical studies weren't around. She probably started smoking when it was "cool" to do so and it was no big deal.

I know people who've died of alcoholism, and there's no way we or their family could get angry at them, especially after they died. They KNOW what's going on but are too weak to stop. All of us are made differently. Some are stronger, other's not so much.

I do have a question though. I was wondering if you could have a one on one with your stepfather?

The other questions I have which could help explain a lot is:

How long have they been married?

Is he younger than her?

Is he wealthy and she wasn't?

Has he cheated on her?

I have to wonder about this because you say she hovers around him, and that sounds like insecurity to me. Maybe she's afraid to lose him which is why she drinks with him.

Was she a heavy drinker before they met?

I'd talk to your mom in person and not send a letter. But you tell her you want to have a talk ALONE with her, and she is NOT to touch any alcohol. Make it early in the day. lol.

Sometimes we do have to accept the things we can't change and keep on loving them, no matter what. So don't be so hard on yourself or your mom.

My motto is, "Everyone has a story to tell." Even the homeless alcoholics/druggies on skid row.

Oakley, you've asked some good questions. My parents were married 40 years when Dad died. Mom was left pretty badly off financially due to Dad's cancer. She's told me in the past that she hates to be alone, and I'm quite sure she's very insecure. She's very stubborn and opinionated and has no close girlfriends, never has. Her DH is just a couple years younger than her, and he does offer her the financial stability she lacked after Dad. I don't think she's afraid to lose him, perhaps on the surface, but the ironic thing is that his health is worse than hers and he's probably going to die sooner than she will. Of course, when he goes, she'd be in a better financial position than with Dad, but still alone.

She has always drank, when Dad was alive she'd have a couple of drinks in the evening, but not nearly to the extent she has with her DH. She married her DH just over a year after Dad died, so it's been 9 years now. She's always made excuses for having him around, to the extent that she's cut short time with her grandchildren and doesn't visit my brother or sister except for maybe 2 days a year, unless they come to her house.

I could try to talk to her DH, but I'm afraid he's just as guilty. He claims he hates to say no to her and if you wanted to define passive-aggressive, it's him. He's absolutely no good in a crisis, when mom was hospitalized, he was in a corner crying while I had to take charge. My Dad was very different, so I guess she 'cherishes' him because he fawns over her like Dad didn't. Like I said, she's stubborn and selfish! I do love her, tho...my kids love her, but they definitely remember what she was like when Grampa was alive and they miss THAT Grandma, who wasn't joined at the hip to her husband.

Pesky, I know this is no fun for you, but I hope you will accept a little advice from someone sort of new here and more a lurker than anything else these days. I don't think threats (such as you won't be around long if you keep this up sort of statements) are the way to go. You have gotten some good advice already, so I'll add just a little.

New reports coming out from reliable hospital studies are saying that the final outcomes of BC for those who have regular mammorgrams vs those who don't are not significantly different. My most recent one (newest equipment-digital-and highly rated cancer center) left me sore, so sometimes that just happens. I am not sure I would push her.

re: the drinking. It really has nothing to do with weakness if she is an alcoholic. It is a disease. It changes one's brain and the effect of alcohol for an alcoholic is completely different than it is for the non-alcoholic-even the very first time he/she takes a drink.

If you and her doctor haven't convinced her to take care of her health, then maybe the best and healthiest option for you is to love and accept her. Go out of your way to be thrilled to have her DH around and encourage the grandchildren to build a new, strong relationship with them both. It is always fun to play cards or games and they could both participate while creating new fun memories.

If that isn't possible in the current circumstances, then you need to make decisions that are best for your well-being and good mental health. Also, she must have some pretty good genes there if she is 70 (figuring that from 45+25) and her mother is still alive!

I hope this all works out for your family.

pesky, I've been on both sides of the situation you are describing. You can do 1 and only 1 thing.

Let your mom know that you are scared for her and the possibility of losing her. Whatever you say and however you choose to communicate this, keep the focus on your feelings and NOT on her behavior. You want to control her behavior and you simply can't. You can't shame her into changing and it sounds like you want to try. She's an adult, has her own issues, can make her own choices. I strongly suggest that you figure out some way that you can live with her choices. You'll drive yourself nuts if you don't.

If you are open to it, try Al-Anon. The meetings will be for and about YOU!

I sympathize as we are in a similar situation. I just try not to think about it too much. The offender is my husband's mother so the relationship is not quite as charged as if it were my own mother. My MIL goes to the Dr. but smokes like a fiend, enjoys cocktails, has a diet that consists mainly of Pepsi and pie and thinks dusting is exercise. Because of her lifestyle choices she has severe osteoporosis, macular degeneration, kidney problems and God knows what else.

It's very easy to get FURIOUS about the stress that it causes my husband and his family. I'm also ticked about fact that she can be a Grandma to my girls only about 15% of the time we are visiting. The rest of the time she is medicated, resting or taking private smoke breaks that don't fool anyone.

Say your peace to your mother but don't expect anything to change. I wish I had a better answer for you.

I agree with what many others have written here. Dealing with my elderly MIL, I've come to realize after years of banging my head against a brick wall that I cannot persuade her to change her behavior. My MIL will complain endlessly about problems but won't deal with them until they reach the crisis stage. Up to that point, her head is firmly encased in sand.

My sanity mantra is "it's her life, it's her health, it's her decision."