Wish I were there to hold you. :( I can only imagine the pain you're going through.

Friends are great, but do you have family near you, especially children?

My dear friend lost her husband unexpectedly. She put on a lot of weight also. She was put on Prozac and told me it helped quite a bit. And she's not the type to take any medication unless it's an antibiotic.

It could be that the extra walking is helping you to maintain your current weight instead of gaining more weight.

Here's an idea to help lift your spirits for only a little while. My friend started reading all those trashy gossip magazines. LOL. Before she'd turn her nose up at them, but she told me they're actually kind of fun to read. I think she reads Star, Us and People. However, I don't think People is "trashy."

But it makes sense! Friend also has a lot of grown kids nearby, lots of friends and is heavily involved in her church. It doesn't take the sadness away, or the loneliness at night, but it helps her get through the day.

Wodka -

I am so very sorry you are going through this. I think it sounds like you are doing quite well. You've gone back to work, you are spending time with friends, exercising, etc. You are going through the grieving process. Weight gain from stress is very normal. Giving up the wine is a good idea and the walking will help you both physically and mentally.

Have you thought of attending a grief support group? I thought of it when dealing with my mom's death and never did find one. I also thought of talking with a counselor, but never did that either. What helped me so much was two of my mom's closest friends, just talking with them, listening to their stories of my mom through the years, etc. Being with my siblings and my dad has helped a great deal. I know losing a partner is very different from losing a parent. I am just sharing what has helped me. I cannot imagine the pain and grief you are going through.

Give yourself time to grieve and to heal. I hope you will continue to share here. Please feel free to email me. I am keeping you in my prayers.

tina

I can only imagine the grief you must being feeling. Anxiety, fear, depression all play havoc with our metabolism - which needs to be firing consistently when trying to loss weight. The walking is a wonderful thing so keep it up. Here are some things that will help to get your metabolism working better:

- Sleep. I know this must be very hard right now but so so important.

- Yoga. To help you relax and de-stress.

- Strength training. Muscle increases metabolism. It's also another great way to de-stress.

- Eat. You need to eat at least the amount of calories you burn by laying in bed all day. This is called your "Resting Metabolic Rate." There are several online calculators that will tell you what your rate it.

- Snack. Eat every two to three hours and make sure protein in including in every meal and snack.

I have a lot of problems with my metabolism and gain weight just looking at food! I was so desperate, I started eating only 1200 calories a day and working out like a fiend. That made it even worse so I did a bunch of reading, and now I follow the above guidelines and the pounds are dropping off consistently now - seven pounds in the last three weeks.

Maybe a routine of really focusing on your health and well-being can help ease the pain of the grief if only a little.

I have nothing to suggest for the weight gain, but your resolution should be to realize you are going through one of the worst times of your life and you need to be kind to yourself right now. Give yourself a year at least to be a bit crazy. Any weight you put on can come off. It's not permanent.

Wodka, I'm so sorry that you are going through this right now.
At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I am going to recommend hula hooping for exercise. It is a very joyful method of exercise that I find relaxing and energizing at the same time.
I don't know if you are familiar with my hooping story, but a couple of years ago I was fighting the dreaded middle aged spread. Despite a half hour daily on my treadmill and 2 - 3 times a week weight lifting class at my gym, I wasn't seeing any results. Then I added hooping every day, and I actually won the "fat to fit" contest at my gym. I only lost 10 pounds, but my body fat percentage went from 28.9% to 19.1% in about 3 months!

Thanks, everyone, for your kind words and advice. It means a lot to me, especially since I've been away so long.

Terriks, I actually have one of those hula hoops that I bought after reading about your success. It goes from the garage to inside the house about every other week or so. But I'm actually pretty good at it, so need to think about hooping more often.

Oakley, we never had children, although we were married for 40 years. One particular niece and nephew are like the children we never had. In fact, this niece is the one getting married this weekend, and it will be my first solo family outing since losing my husband. I know it will be a very emotional time, so I have to steel myself for it.

The doctor suggested antidepressants a few months ago, but I really don't want to take them. I have taken them before - Lexapro (after we lost our home in Katrina - doesn't my life sound like a sad Country Western song???) Seriously, though, I feel like I have to work through this to get to the other side of grief. People tell me that they can see me getting stronger and I don't cry as often as I did the first few months. (I still cry, though.)

kellyeng, I would love to try yoga. My body is so tense, shoulders and back ache pretty much all of the time. I think I had a pinched nerve from lifting my husband during the last month of his life, but it has slowly gotten better.

tinam61, the hospice where my husband died offered bereavement counseling, and it started out well. I rather liked the social worker they sent out, but then she was fired. Not sure what that was all about. Now that I've gone back to work, I don't have time for one, anyway. There's a woman I befriended whose husband was going through chemo when mine was (he actually died less than a month after mine.) We call and talk every few weeks and compare notes and can get away with saying whatever we want, because we both have shared the same pain, confusion, experiences. We knew from the first moment we met that we had quite a bit in common. Never did we thing it would include losing our husbands so quickly. I helped her choose a funeral home and even recommended the funeral director I used, because it was an unbelievably good experience (if you can call something like that "good.")

graywings, you are right - this is the worst thing I will ever go through. Only the loss of a child could be worse, and, like I said, we were childless. So, I'm almost at peace, knowing I've done that.

Thank you again for listening. Treasure every moment you have with your husbands and loved ones. I would give anything to be able to just touch him, or hear his laugh, heck, even have a good argument with him, just once more. I never thought I would be a widow at 60.

I agree about the antidepressants and working through things.

Something that has also helped me is to help others in similar situations. We received so much support through my mom's illnes and death that i felt very strongly about helping others. In fact i startec a small ministry at our church.

Good luck at the funeral. I know each "first" is so hard. But you get through one, then another, etc. It sounds like you have already been a big help and comfort for your new friend.

Take good care of YOU Wodka and please dont be a stranger here.

Tina

I am so, so sorry about the loss of your husband. DH and I have been married 39 years, so I am acutely aware of the multi-layered losses a partner of that many years means.

I read a long time ago that it takes one full year for the body to start gaining its strength back after an assault on the system, like a surgery. I think the loss of a spouse is the same time of assault on the body. Six months is a very short time to feel comfortable with a new "normal". Don't expect yourself to get there quickly. Allow yourself to feel the pain.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things. As a social worker, I always suggested Kubler-Ross's Five Stages of Grief. Your social worker probably already suggested it. If you didn't buy it, please do.

Definitely be kind to yourself.

Dee

Wodka, all I want to say is I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the sorrow. What I do know is that cancer is a hideous disease. In my mind, I picture it as a monster, so that I have something tangible to be angry at. Whatever works, right?
Please, keep us posted as to how you are doing.

Wodka, I add my voice to the chorus of those expressing deep sorrow for your loss of your husband, so recently...I remember when I lost my mother, which is really not the same thing, but is a death of a close relative, for about 6 months I felt like I was 15 feet underwater and the world was up there -- I could see it, dimly, but not connect directly, not really hear what was being said...if I were to lose DH, I'd be underwater a lot deeper and a lot longer.

If I may suggest a physical practical thing: in addition to walking, you might want to try getting massages, a series of them, perhaps one a week for a couple of months or so...if you find the right masseuse, she will be someone who knows that the body holds memories and emotions and will *welcome* and be able to handle the emotions that come to the surface with the release of held tension. I know someone like this in Portland and I wish you could come here and have a series of massages with her, but I hope in your area you can find someone similar.

It is infinitely more healthful for you than chemical anti-depressants, and it recognizes that what you're feeling isn't pathological, but simply the *healthy* reaction to the loss of your mate. Any animal in the world that mates for life would be feeling the same thing. There's something very spiritual and simply animal in expert, intuitive massage, and nothing wrong at all with using it as a psychological therapeutic modality.

Hope this might help you find a bit of reconnection with your physical being, and maybe help you edge a bit closer to the water's surface. You'll be in my thoughts...

I am also so sorry about your husband.

I want to second flyleft's massage suggestion. I also carry all my tension in my shoulders and neck. Last year was particularly stressful, and I ended up with a horrible case of TMJ. It was the worst pain I had ever had. To make a very long story short, after seeing many doctors, I went to a massage therapist who fixed me in a matter of days (after 6-8 weeks of almost constant pain). I ended up seeing her eveey week for a while, and now I just go in for a "tune up" about once a month. In other words, don't let that tension get the best of you.

I also have found a "gentle" (I call it "remedial") yoga class to be amazing. I never thought of myself as a yoga person, but I think if you find the right class, it can be so helpful.

Thanks again. Oh, what I'd give to have a massage this very moment. I have had one since my husband died - it was just a chair massage at the hairdresser's, but it was wonderful. She worked my sore shoulder almost the entire time and it really seemed to help, at least temporarily.

paintergirl, you're right. Cancer is hideous - it took my dad in 2006, my sister in 2008, and my husband this year. The local tv station runs an ad for the cancer center that treated my husband every evening with the 5 and 6 p.m. news - and they run it over and over and every time I see it, my heart breaks a little. Thinking of our many wasted trips, hoping and praying with all our might that the treatment would at least give my sweet husband some time. Wondering how many of the fellow patients we met had survived (or not.)

Oh, well, enough. Again, thank you all for your concern.

Wodka, I lost my husband in May - he died in his sleep. He wasnâÂÂt sick, but he wasnâÂÂt too healthy, either. It was a total shock and I still donâÂÂt quite believe it.

I also have a big support system of people taking me to dinner and making sure that I'm busy. I haven't been working out as much as I used to, but all summer I was like a crazy woman in the garden doing all the heavy digging and lifting that my husband used to do for me (I've been re-arranging). I'm just a few years younger than you, and I thank God that my body is strong enough to do that work - there are many people our age that have physical problems. I've lost close to 10 pounds, mostly from my middle and I'll share the way I've been feeding myself - maybe it can help you.

I buy chicken breasts or pork chops or small steaks when they're on special and I freeze them separately in zipper bags so it's easy to pull out just one piece and defrost it in a pot of hot water in the sink. I usually grill that meat (or fish or veggie burger) and also have a salad or sauteed spinach. I now rarely make rice or potatoes (something my husband insisted on having), so I'm eating just protein and vegetables, and there's fewer pots to clean up, too. When I don't pack my lunch I go to a local soup/salad bar, except for those very stressful days when I can't resist a ruben and French fries, but I try to keep that to a minimum. I'll get Chinese or other take out for dinner maybe once a week. And I still drink wine! But with winter coming and the long dark nights to get through, I'm looking for an affordable gym to go to after work to have a place to go and to keep moving. And I'm going to look into massage - what flyleft said makes sense. I'm sure toxins can build up from grief. Since my husband didn't take care of his health, I'm determined that I will.

I also turned down the anti-depressants my doctor offered. I told her I cry every day, many times, but not all day. But like others have said, give yourself a break - this is a very big thing, especially after 40 years together. You will find your way.

kitchenwitch, I typed a response last night, but don't know where it ended up!

Thank you for your suggestions. I am so very sorry about your husband. I remember reading about your loss on another post. My heart breaks for you.

I am trying to get back on the healthy eating plan - I learned a lot of good things from Weight Watchers several years ago (after I had gained weight after Katrina - I am an emotional eater with a capital "E!") I just threw it all out of the window after Bobby died. I really gave up for a while.

About your crying (and mine.) I break down at the weirdest places, yesterday at work. Or when I hear a song on the radio that reminds me of him - it doesn't take much. The big wedding this weekend will be a big challenge. Tears of joy for my niece, tears of sadness that my husband is not with me to celebrate.

Just this morning I read the most wonderful passage about tears - in Healing After Loss- Daily Meditations for Working through Grief. I thought you might appreciate it:

"What is this myth about being strong? About keeping a stiff upper lip? Of course, if we could choose, we'd like to do our weeping in a place where we won't cast a pall of gloom over some bright social occasion.

But who was ever ostracized for giving way to tears? If you have to explain, explain. If people are impatient - that's their problem. You have enough to contend with in your life right now without the extra burden of worrying about whether other people are going to be uncomfortable. If they've had a similar experience in their lives, they'll know right away what is going on. If they haven't - yet - maybe when sorrow comes their way, they'll be grateful for the permission to grieve that your tears have given them. You are not a stranger, acting strangely. You are a human being, acting like a human being.

In the map of the created world, the path to healing does not skirt around the edges of grief, but goes right through the middle."

(My apologies for the length of this message.)

(1) Look into "deep-tissue" massages. I understand that it really has some positive emotional benefits (saratonin and all that). A former co-worker who had one told me that before she went in, the masseuse warned her husband (who was going to be waiting for her) that my friend might be "a bit emotional" afterwards. She certainly was -- loosens the emotional tension. Bring tissues! (But I have found that crying can really be beneficial.)

(2) And in lieu of antidepressants, if you don't want to go that route (and I agree that it's important to be fully aware of the grieving process, to experience the low-lows, rather than just "float" through--and I know it's different for every person, this is just my opinion), remember that it's been proven that having a pet can lower your blood pressure and bring much happiness! If you don't have a dog or cat, you might think about that. I know it's an investment in time, and you're going back to work now, but even volunteering to foster an animal or visiting your local shelter to walk a dog or too will get you outside and shift your focus for 30 minutes, an hour.

I understand not wanting to take anti depressants for various reasons, but I know people who got to the point of not functioning at all and had to take them for a while; one of them told me that if she had known how much better and stronger she'd feel by taking them, she would have started taking them sooner.

I wish you renewed strength, wodka; what a terrible loss for you. Thanks
for sharing with us.

Wodka, please accept my condolences. I know you're going through a difficult time and it's hard to just put one foot in front of the other to keep going each day.

I just want to mention that you shouldn't assume that your bloating is due only to overeating. You probably were too busy taking care of your husband to take care of yourself. It might be wise to make an appointment with your GYN to rule out any medical problems that might be causing the tummy bloat.

The road to "normalcy" is not easy, but over time it can be easier to traverse.

Mona

Pammyfay, Mitchdesi, and Mona, thanks for your advice and kindess. I haven't all together vetoed taking antidepressants, but so far, I've managed okay.

Last weekend was the big wedding. I handled it all pretty well, although there were moments that I cried. During the rehearsal dinner, there was a slideshow and several photos featured my husband and me. Then, during the wedding, towards the end, one of the readers, while looking directly at me, because she knew the situation, said let us take a moment to remember our loved ones we have lost this year. My niece looked at me with her big eyes. I wasn't prepared for that and I took a deep breath, and my eyes filled.

The hardest part was Sunday, leaving all of my family and driving home, alone. When Bobby was alive, after a weekend like this, the trip would go by so fast, because we'd rehash the events and laugh and talk all the way home. This time it was just me and Carole King in the CD player.....

Oh, speaking of massages. My sister, niece and I had a manicure and pedicure the day before the wedding. Their massage chair was so good, it was almost like a little human was massaging my back. It was most relaxing.

Better get ready for work. Have a good week.

Kitchenwitch, I'm so sorry, I had no idea you recently lost your husband.

The reason I suggested anti-depressants was just for the crying. About 6 years ago I lost someone very dear to me. My best friend.

I would cry off and on all day. I'd wake up from my sleep with tears coming out of my eyes.

After 6 months of crying, and having raw cheeks from the tears, that's when I was put on anti-depressants. I know they take a few weeks to get into the system, but I stopped crying the next day. It felt good not to cry!

The crying was so bad I had to stop myself several times from crying in public. If someone even looked at me the wrong way, tears would flow.

But if you can handle the crying and it's becoming less and less, then no, don't take anti-depressants. They did save me though.

Kitchenwitch - I'm also sorry about your loss.

Wodka - I'm so sorry - I said "funeral" instead of "wedding". Honestly, it sounds like you are handling things quite well. I'm glad you got through the wedding. IMO, crying is part of the grieving process and it's important we go through that process. That takes time. Not that time will ever diminish your loss, but I do believe things get easier to handle. In the past year, I have become better about handling the loss of my mother, the loss of our family as it was. Just in the last week though, I've had a couple of times of tears.

tina

tina, that's okay, I knew you meant "wedding."

mona, I think you might have hit on something. I'm very ashamed to say that I have not been to the gynecologist since 2006. I go to the doctor regularly, and have my annual mammogram, but I don't have a gynecologist, and you're right - I was so focused on my husband's health and cancer that I totally ignored myself. Now that I've started back to work, I've again put it all on the back burner. I will work on scheduling an appointment soon.

Have a good evening, everyone.

Wodka--I'm really sorry for your loss. I don't have any ideas beyond what others have posted, but I wish you strength and healing.