Good grief. People are so ill-mannered, nothing surprises me anymore. I think every-singe-one involved should have thanked you with a note of appreciation - your DH's friend, the maid of honor, the bride (since she likely knows you through her father). Not only should they have thanked you, I believe the father and/or MOH should have offered to pay for a cleaning service to come in after the party. You may have declined but the offer should have been made. And a gift basket for you and DH should have come from the father, daughter and MOH, some wine, cheese, crackers etc as a thank you.

OMG, are you kidding? I would have been kissing your feet if I were the bride! I agree with dlm, all of them should have thanked you in an appropriate way. DH'S friend should have had the cabin cleaned and taken you to dinner for letting her use your it. DD should have sent you a gift as well, maybe a gift certificate for a manicure and pedicure or like dlm said, a gift basket. Yes, I would forgo the wedding gift!!!

Be grownups and give them the gift you would have given them anyway. If we all behave like oafs, we will all be oafs. What will that get you/us? And don't mention it.

We certainly wouldn't mention it to his friend; they've been friends for over 30 years. DH's feeling, though, is we've provided our gift. (Not through the loan of our place, but through our work)

My inclination is to still provide a check. I've always been very fond of the bride, though most of our interaction since she was very little was at her high school graduation party and college graduation party.

I was interested in others' take on the situation to make sure our expectation of thanks was reasonable.

Dee

you are so brave in letting them use it for a bachlorette party.

I would be thankful that the place wasn't trashed.

Maybe the bride thanked her father and the Maid of Honor for the Wonderful Party, not knowing that you gifted the venue?

ML

I would expect a written thank you from the maid of honor and an offer of cleaning from the bride's parents. I certainly would reduce my wedding gift accordingly and would mention in the accompanying card that I hope the bride enjoyed our cabin during her bachelorette party.

Unless they really trashed the place, I would let it go: returning one act of gracelessness (or it could be cluelessness) with another becomes a vicious cycle. You did a good deed, and that is your reward.

Have you been to the cabin since the party? I'd be curious to know what shape they left it in. If they left a mess, I wouldn't do anything else.

The MOH msde the arrangements for the party, correct? So she should have been the one to make the offer of cleaning the place afterward and sending the thank you note for your offer. I think that it would be inappropriate to withhold a wedding gift, because technically, the bride & groom did not make the arrangements, the party was held for the bride by her friends.

I think it ought to be mentioned, casually, to your DH's friend that you hadn't heard from the MOH or the bride to see how the party went. Unless he's incredibly dense, he would take the hint that the girls never followed thru. I wouldn't expect him to offer to pay for cleaning, again, it's the girl who made the arrangements who should do so...she even mentioned the savings would allow them to do more for the bride. So at this point, just call it even and give a gift to the couple. Who knows if you'll get a thank you from them tho!

Well, SOMEBODY certainly should have thanked you. If I had borrowed a friend's place for my daughter's party I would have sent a gift and called to make sure everything was left in tip top shape. Since it's an old friend, I'd probably send a gift.
Maybe they plan to do something to reciprocate in the future.

I think I'm going to believe that the bride thought the MOH would send a thank-you, and that the MOH is clueless, perhaps thinking a thank-you was not needed because we know the bride.

I took her to work with me years ago for a mentoring day, and her mother made dinner for us the next night and brought it over. I also pulled a few strings to try to get her an internship, and, though that fell through, she thanked me. She's always been extremely well-mannered, and unusually mature.

And, they left everything as clean (the frig was cleaner!) as they found it.

I appreciate everyone's input, and just putting my thoughts out there made me feel better about the situation. DH takes his cue from me and I think I'm going to persuade him to provide a check. Her father really is a good friend, and DH enjoys his company.

The wedding is tomorrow.
Dee

Wow. You have every reason to feel slighted. I appreciate wishing that you didn't feel this way but it would take me a long while to forgive such disregard. This is absolutely breathtakingly rude. It is too bad because this is going to cast a long shadow over your attitudes about this young couple. I don't see any big gifts for baby showers, birthdays, etc. If any of my children were fortunately enough to have such generous family friends you can be pretty darn sure they'd have been coached (by moi!) on just what their responsibilities were if they showed no action on their own. Unbelievable. We've gone over the whole concept of thank you notes and my kids are used to writing them. Maybe this wasn't taught in this family's household?

Yes it is done EVERYDAY!! The proper thank you note has gone by the way side. These people are tacky you should send a bill. People will treat you as you allow them to!!

If it was recent, I'd wait for the bride and groom to get home from their honeymoon, breathe a bit, and see if she sends you a thank you note. I'm betting she will.

Life is way too short to be keeping score this way.

Your DH's friend called to thank you. The house was left as the girls found it. OK, the thank you wasn't on a cute notecard, and there wasn't a gift back, that would have been nice.

But in this world of sorrow, it's a great thing to be able to add to the happiness side of things. Enjoy the wedding! Give your gift. Dance with your DH and hold him tight knowing that you both have added to the joy and send off of this young couple. And who knows, one day they themselves may host the daughter of a friend for her bachlorette party, remembering back on your generosity and the joy they had at your home.

You and your DH have been good and generous friends and have set a wonderful example for these young people. An example that will move forward as they in turn act in kind and generous ways to others. Keep on!!

Wow barb5, talk about putting things into perspective. You're right , life is too short. Keeping score never leads to a good outcome, somewhere down the road you always have regrets. As I always say to my kids, take the highroad and feel good that you have more sense.

i would give whatever gift i was planning to give after i knew they were using your cabin for the party.

i would imagine that the MOH probably was very excited and thanked your husband when she went to meet him at the cabin prior to the party. if they told the dad 'tell them we had a great time' and since they left your place nice and clean, i would forget about it! they'll probably personally thank you at the wedding today! that would satisfy me more than a mailed note really, regardless of what ettiquette books say!

i wouldn't be at all surprised if the bride includes the use of your cabin in her TY note after the wedding.

No doubt it's very disappointing for the MOH to never follow up with at least a thank-you and shame on her for that. However, that said, the father (after maybe experiencing the MOH's poor manners himself at some point) did. I'm sure based on what you've said about the bride she would too if she knew the MOH hadn't. I wouldn't fault the bride or even allow the MOH's poor manners to ruin the experience for you. Years from now, what the bride and her family will remember most is that you provided a beautiful spot for her party. That's what matters.

Cleaning the cabin was YOUR choice. I would have done it too, but would not of felt entitled to any extra appreciation.

You did the right thing so continue to do so by giving the happy couple a gift.

I have to say that I hate the way etiquette is changing. It's hard for those of us that used to do things by the book. At some point; in this electronic world.. etiquette has been lost.

If I was the bride; I would have given at least a phone call; as well as a thank you card.. something because it sounds like you're close to the bride & her family. I don't know if the MOH is related.

I'd try to be patient for when the bride sends thank you cards for the wedding. I hope she includes the cabin & if not; I think that's when I'd start getting hurt over it.

You mention the cabin was cleaned but also that it's since been sold; would you have had to clean it to list it? I understand you did extra work for their event & agree that could factor in the wedding gift. Times are tough- they wanted your cabin to save someone money & I would have said something to the effect that it would be my wedding gift to the couple & spelled it out from the beginning.