I support my fiancee and don't feel it is either of our responsibilities to make my Ex's tension disappear.

Exactly.

Ignore the request, it's out of line. And don't be surprised if your ex declares that he won't come to any games at all, trying to pressure you into giving in. It doesn't sound like your fiancee is doing anything to undermine the relationship between the boys and their father. It's your ex's own insecurities that he will have to deal with.

When he brings it up again, just say "I'm sorry you feel that way, the boys will be disappointed that you're not there."

(I wonder what his response would be if the situation were reversed...)

Does your ex-husband bring a girlfriend to these events? Does he have a good reason to not want to be in the presence of your fiance - were you involved with him before the divorce? Is that why your ex-husband won't talk to you?

It is more important for the boys' sake that their father be there than that the fiance be there. Your ex-husband has not asked that the fiance never be there; I think it is very reasonable for your ex-husband to propose a schedule.

Yes, it's your Ex with the problem. And No, it isn't your fiance's responsability to ease your Ex's insecurities.

But... Building and maintaining a decent relationship between your fiance and your Ex is very important for the well-being of your children. Your Ex can so easily do so many things to undermine your fiance and make your sons hate him. Don't believe me? Read this forum.

For that reason, in the spirit of cooperation and goodwill, give in to your Ex's request. It's making a relatively small concession to respect his feelings. Tell your Ex that your fiance would like to be there to support you and the boys, but that he is willing to compromise out of respect for BioDad's feelings.

I am not sure what the right answer is, Sweeby's seems like excellent advice but I just want to say how sad this is. It sounds like you all have the childrens best interest first and that is wonderful. I do wonder one thing, was/is your Ex controlling? I only ask because I wonder if it is another way to control you.

Thanks for all of your thoughts. I'll see if I can respond to each of them.

weed30 - I don't think my ex seeks to actively undermine the relationship between my fiance and my sons, but I believe that he does so in subtle ways.

theotherside - he hasn't yet brought any of his girlfriends to any event, and I've thought a lot about how I'd feel when the situation is inevitably reversed. I strongly believe I'd be accepting of this. How could it hurt me or my kids to have another adult who's on my kids' side? I'm not a jealous person. My Ex has no good reason to not want to be in the presence of my fiance, and has in the past made comments about how good a person my fiance is. I was not involved with him before my divorce.

sweeby - thank you for your perspective. I think a concession might be fair, but I'm still mulling over what that might mean for me and the boys.

eandhl - sad, yes I am, and yes, my ex was very controlling. It's only through my setting up strong boundaries that he no longer tries to interfere with what goes on in my own home.

After a sleepless night, here are my thoughts:

1. My Ex feels tension. His words (taken from last night's email) include: "I should be able to go to my son's sporting or school events without having him there as it adds a great deal of tension to my ability to enjoy just watching my son...I find it a bit disrespectful to my presence as their father and insulting since he is now living in my old home with my sons."

2. My Ex feels he's right to prevent my fiance from attending events that he (my fiance) enjoys because of this tension.
3. My Ex feels he's right to deny me the support I have from my fiance's attending games that I'm coaching because of this tension.
4. My Ex feels that it's ok to send a message to my sons that other people must make accomodations to his tension, that they must give up things they enjoy and that provide them with support.

My feeling is sadness, and no, I don't expect my Ex to make any changes so that I don't feel sad any more. I'm responsible for my own emotions.

Perhaps one day I'll post more of my story to this forum because so many wonderful things have gone right with my fiance and my children - it might provide a voice of hope for those who are struggling. I credit my fiance's sensitivity for a lot of the positive things that have happened between him and the boys. I've read nearly every post on this forum, they've been eye-opening, and I've sought to avoid as many of the pitfalls of stepparenting as I can.

My best to all of those (including me!) who navigate the intricacies of these relationships.
Ann

I have been the Fiancée and now the Stepmom to a young man whos mother cannot let go of a man who has been her Ex for 12 years. I have been put in this situation many times. I do believe it is important that the children are supported by all who are in their lives...no matter the label. I also believe that you and your Fiancée need to respect the feelings of the Ex by not overdoing the affection you have for each other while at the games. At the end of the game let your Ex have his alone time to congratulate his child. Respect his needs whether or not he respects yours. You come out looking like a champ and your children learn how to deal with tough situations in their lives by watching how "Adults" do it. These events are not the time for your Fiancee to be in the middle of anything. These events are about the children not about you, your Fiancee, the Ex, the Ex's girlfriend. LET THE CHILDREN SHINE AND FEEL IMPORTANT.

This is a tough situation, but you say that your ex was controlling, so trust me I speak from experience: if you give in to this one, there's another, and another. I agree with those who say that you aren't affectionate with each other or that your fiance stand back and allow bio Dad first pass at congratulations or whatever. But your son is so lucky to have someone who wants to be involved and supportive and there is no reason that he shouldn't (and this guy will be his "other" dad soon!)

My husband's ex created a scene at his son's 13th b'day party at my husband's house. She didn't know I would be there (it was a last minute change) and she freaked out! ( insisted that I be told to leave). Even said to me the next day "couldn't you have gone out for coffee"?!! huh?!!!! The funny thing was, I said to her -- your boyfriend was over at your house, why didn't you invite him over too? She said "that is not his place" (she wanted to pretend to be a family.....just living in different houses). While maybe we should have warned her when the plans changed, she made such an issue out of this that it was a defining moment...we had to draw the line and stick by it. The kids knew it.....had to listen to her complain, but in the end, they understood that she was controlling and wanted me out, and that she was being unreasonable (even started lying to try to help her case!).

You are not responsible for taking care of your ex's insecurities. Do what you think is right for your children and he'll either come around or he won't. He is lucky that you found a man to care so much and want to be so involved with your children! There are many out there who would be very different.

I am really sorry you are going thru this especially for the children. You have a supportive fiance that seems to love your boys and wants to be supportive, and to often this is not the case. I personally feel the more love/guidance children get from adults the better people they will turn out to be. I just want to wish you good luck.

Thanks for the additional feedback, jerseystepmom and eandhl. There's never been an open show of affection between me and my fiance when we're out in public with the boys, and even in the privacy of our own home we don't make a show of things. The public fawning over a new love strikes me as somewhat immature - it's not my style at all. During volleyball games, I'm on the bench with the boys and have tunnel vision on the court - I have no clue what the spectators are doing (for better or worse).

I had a light conversation with my younger son while we were out shopping this afternoon and mentioned that his father preferred that my fiance not be at his events. My son seemed truly puzzled by this, not understanding why his father would be this selfish and wondering why his father couldn't keep his tension under control for the 45 minutes that a game takes. I thought this was a mature response. I'm always careful not to criticize his father because he loves him and I'll never interfere with their relationship. I think in this case the facts speak for themselves.

Meanwhile another email arrived from my ex, apologizing for part of what he'd said, admitting it was over the top. I haven't yet summoned the energy to respond...I'll keep you posted ;-)

Ann

"I find it a bit disrespectful to my presence as their father and insulting since he is now living in my old home with my sons."

I can understand your ex-husband feeling this way. Just reading it made me sad - like Toby Keith's song, "That's My House." I can't imagine how awful it must feel to have another man (or woman) move into your house as well as your children's lives.

Your ex-husband's feelings matter too.

theotherside - it's interesting that you selected that particular quote from my previous posting to highlight, since that was the same quote that my ex apologized for having said. He felt it was over the top and took it back. He also emphasized that my fiance has never done anything that was disrespectful of him.

I do agree with you that his feelings matter too. I know it's difficult to be a single father to sons who are growing up faster than either of us thought possible. In a slightly more perfect world, my ex would live nearby, be involved in the daily life of my sons, and welcome the goodwill of others who care about my boys. The reality is very different.

Your ex-husband does not live nearby, yet he comes to the kids' games? It sounds like he is far more involved than a lot of fathers.

I am sorry to hear that your ex-husband felt that he had to apologize for that statement. I think it was perfectly understandable, and merely expressed how he felt.

Your X will always be the boys father, no matter what happens. What happens if you break up with your fiance, and by that time, the bond between your x and his sons is lessened. Most second marriages, particularly with children, end in divorce. And this is a fiance, not even your husband? I think you are being selfish, putting your relationship with fiance ahead of your sons with their father.

PS Who is paying for boys college?

to kkny -- first of all what does who is paying for college have to do with anything? Second of all I think it is a bit ridiculous that you would say that she is being selfish and putting her relationship with her fiance ahead of the sons/father's. Her relationship with her fiance is not like that of son/father, so that doesn't make sense. The other thing to consider here is that if she is in a loving and supportive relationship where they are there for each other and the kids, where they show the children how adults treat each other with respect and love and as a true partnership -- how can this be BAD for the kids?! This is what they need to understand that though some relationships do not work -- some DO! This guy isn't trying to replace the Dad -- just be there too and not only is there nothing wrong with that, I commend him for it.

It may just be growing pains for this family -- Dad has to get used to the idea that there is another man in his kids lives, but that man will NEVER replace the love they have for their bio dad -- NEVER!

My ex comes to approx half of the kids' events, and yes, he tries very hard to stay involved with their lives. He lives 20 minutes away. I have made my kids' bond with their father a priority. When my older son leaves my side when we're spectators at my younger son's events to go sit in the stands with his father, it's with my encouragement. I can't predict what would happen if my fiance and I were no longer together, but I don't believe this is a near or even longterm possibility. There's no comparison between my relationship now and my previous marriage.

Paying for college - it's in our parenting agreement. My ex and I will each pay half up to a certain limit, beyond which the kids will obtain loans or pay with their own savings. I have money set aside and think this is fair. Why do you ask?

With respect to all posters,
Ann

I think that your relationship with your fiance is important, but I think you can nurture it plenty outside of the few times your x is asking.

I ask about college, becasue it seems fair to me that if x pays even part you could accomodate him on this.

There's no comparison between your relationship now and your marriage? How long is/was each??

kkny-
Not an accusation, but a question.....Are you implying that if BD wasn't paying "his share" he wouldn't be entitled to an accomodation?

No, I am implying that a little appreciation might be nice. Apparently a lot of people have trouble getting Xs to pay.

Fair enough.

kkny - yes of course I can nurture my relationship with my fiance outside of the times I'm at events in which my sons participate. This isn't "our" time, it's my son's time, and I'm there to support him, as we all are.

Money was never an issue in our divorce and it isn't an issue now, so the college expenses are simply what's fair to both of us. I understand that there are men (and women) who might duck this responsibility, but in my case giving my Ex additional consideration because he's paying half of the college expenses is very much NOT what we're about. One of the only things we never disagree about is money. There was a time when I was making a lot and my ex wasn't working, and there was a time when the roles were reversed. Money was a non-issue.

My marriage was 22 years, the last 5 of which were a rollercoaster of emotional abuse. I'd hoped to stay and work on my marriage at least until my sons graduated high school. When I sought treatment for stress I realized that I could no longer stay, that I had to take care of myself and my own health.

My relationship with my fiance began 2 years ago, and I cherish him in every way.

So you had 17 good years, and now have 2 good (maybe great) years with fiance.

I say, give your X a shot. The poster who said that he will ask for more may not be right. You have obviously found happiness -- cant you be big about and let your X have some sports nights without Fiance. I wonder if Fiance isnt the controlling one --

"I ask about college, becasue it seems fair to me that if x pays even part you could accomodate him on this."

how about...

"If OP pays even part, ex could accomodate her on this."

Ex has already apologized & acknowledged that he went overboard, sounds like this problem is solved.

I'm not sure the problem is completely solved yet, but it seems that my Ex has calmed down quite a bit. Yesterday was an all-day volleyball tournament My Ex had already conceeded that it was too late to ask that my fiance not attend, so it was understood that both would be there. My fiance chose to stay in the background during times that my Ex was there. My Ex actually smiled at me from the stands, said "good luck", and spoke briefly with me during a break (first time we'd exchanged words in many months). He even sent a nice email this morning with compliments on my coaching. However, I don't believe for a moment that we have resolution to this issue as these things always cycle back again. But for now there's calm.

Ann

An update on this. We've gone the past 6 months with my fiance attending my sons' events as his schedule allows, which has meant most of them but not all. My ex has been at most as well, making a point of not speaking to either of us. Recently my ex has begun bringing his latest GF to the boys' events. She's been quite cordial and even introduced herself to my fiance at last week's soccer game (first time they were there at the same time). I'm hopeful that she will be the sanity check that my ex needs in order to diffuse this charged situation for him. I still put myself in his shoes and try to imagine demanding that his gf not come to cheer my sons on. It just feels wrong. My sons seem to have accepted this new gf, and if there's one thing I've learned on this forum it's that a crazy biomom can do a lot of damage to relationships. I have no reason to want to hurt my sons, my ex, or his new gf.

Just some thoughts from a not-crazy biomom ;-)
Ann

Ann ~ it's so nice to read your rational posts, and I would love to have you as the BM on the flip side to my extended family. The simple point you made months ago, to the extent of why wouldn't BD be happy to have another caring and supportive person in his kids' lives, made me smile. It seems, and I generalize I know, that too many bio-parents let their insecurities force them into hating step parents. Those feelings then put their children in the middle of an affection battle that ends up harming those children everyone says are trying to protect. Ironic, huh?

I think only one poster really touched on this, and it's one point we struggle with. What are we teaching our children about dealing with conflict if everything has to be broken into "mom" time, "dad" time, think about "my" feelings, etc. Aren't we adults? What about their first job with a co-worker who makes them feel insecure, takes some of their spotlight on a big project and makes it uncomfortable to come to work? Should they alternate days at the job with the co-worker so they feel more secure? Grow up! Aren't the kids' time and feelings more important then ours now? Isn't that what being a parent is all about, or am I totally off base?

Okay - this obviously struck a nerve and I apologize for the rant. Ann - I wish you the best, and hope things continue on this current path. You all deserve it.

justnotmartha - thanks for your good wishes. I've often thought of the negative messages my ex has been sending our boys via his hostility towards me, and how harmful these messages might be. But a wise friend has pointed out that it's these difficult people and situations that help us grow. My hope is that in model an alternative way of behaving with my sons, they'll learn that conflict can be handled in a variety of ways.

Ann