I remember your first post about this. Sorry to see she actually went.
I think she is visiting in private because she probably thinks if you know she is here you will try to force her to stay.It is also entirely possible he's trying to turn her against you.

Take heart though,you and your wife have raised her.She isnt stupid enough to fall for it...she's just going through a REBELLION of sorts right now.She knows in her heart if the *!%^ hits the fan,who will really be there for her.
All you can do is hope for the best.
My advice is to play hard to get. Yes,really. Stop trying to call,stop trying to get ahold of her. The more you want her to talk to you,the less likely she will.
When you make it clear that you have let her go,only then will she start to loosen her rebellion.

Most of this is normal:
flying out of the nest, anger at protective parents ("I'm an *adult* sound familiar?)...

Eventually, offspring resume speaking to their parents.

When a problem arises that she cannot handle, & she needs you, she'll call you.

When that happens, be there for her as though nothing had happened.

It sounds like you strongly disapprove of BioDad (normal and reasonable) and of DD's new lifestyle choices (also normal and reasonable). And I'm betting that since you raised her, DD also knows, deep down inside, that her choices are wrong. But, as Sylvia pointed out, she's doing them anyway for her own rebellious adolescent reasons. She probably isn't calling you because she doesn't want to hear any "I told you so's" or anything about how her choices are wrong or not really in her best interests. She may also feel guilty for living a life she knows you disaprove of.

What about setting up a standard weekly phone call schedule so you can maintain (or re-establish) regular communications? Then just keep the calls light and guilt-free. Pay lip-service to her decision-making abilities and just let her know that you love her and look forward to seeing her again "no strings attached" some time soon.

I agree with everything said above. I feel for what you are going through, though. Someday she will be glad of having your love and support all these years.

Wow, I feel for you. I'm sure you and your wife are very disappointed, hurt, and bewildered.

I am so thankful that you spoke to the gf's parents - I mean, what were they thinking?

I guess I'm more interested in when things went downhill w/ your step - I'm guessing at 13 when puberty was making her nuts and her biodad turned on the charm?

Pray that the foundation you and your wife laid is instilled deep in her. Hopefully, she will return to you once this rebellious stage is over. Sometimes, things don't get better for a kid - if they had trouble in VA, they'll have it anywhere. But, I would try to maintain contact though backing off a bit might make her more willing to reach out.

I'm a little surprised that she left a bf and disturbed that legally, your hands are tied. If she is 17, isn't there a mandatory visitation schedule or at least laws to keep the lines of communication open?

I think the others gave great advice - try to keep it light if and when you do have contact. I have an estranged stepson right now who, despite having no falling out w/us or anything, has refused contact for 2 years. There are other issues as he is gay and not comfortable w/ that (though we just love him for who he is). I think he's embarrassed by where he is in life as everyone, esp. him, had high expectations. Perhaps your stepdd is also slightly embarrassed, though trying to play tough.

How is she doing in school now? Do you have rights to see her report cards? Is the father supervising her adequately? Does the bf visit and, if so, are they supervised appropriately? I'm afraid all that spending $ will tempt her to get into the wrong things. Privileges SHOULD be earned, not given, and consequences need to be a part of everyone's life. It's a shame this partying dad is not available for you and your wife in a civil fashion so you can be sure the girl is on the right track. Insist on being privy to her grades, at least, through the school (sometimes on-line services exist here in FL) to be sure all is well. Is college on the horizon? SATs taken, etc? There's so much stuff that's crucial to succeeding for these teenagers nowadays - college acceptance is a whole different animal these days.

Best of luck.

Thank you all for your sincere comments and observations on our confusing situation with our daughter. Please keep them coming as this helps more than you could know.

My wife and I definitely believe that Biofather is trying his very best to turn our daughter against us, and certainly against me as the stepfather. Here are a few typical examples; Biofather has convinced our daughter that we were listening in on her telephone calls and "spying" on her (not true), something "he would never do", that we are to "strict" as parents, that we are "terrible parents", and since we gave up forcing our daughter to go to church (Methodist) we are "not putting God into her life" and that this is "wrong", and on and on. Our daughter is looking more at the freedoms and toys that he has just dished out to her, seemingly things that were not coming from us anytime soon. Biofather is advising daughter to not contact us in any way as we will "try to manipulate her to come home." You can see how Biofather has essentially brainwashed our daughter and holds her with money and toys, along with a "party" lifestyle in his "country club" home. How does one compete with this stuff? Certainly we did not "spy" on our daughter, we just paid close attention to what she was doing and diciplined her when she really needed it, by grounding her when she was caught sneaking out of the house at night, etc. for example.

We have a nice home, however we would not promise a new car, laptop computer, etc. to our daughter until it was necessary, just not right now at 17. You get the picture.

Thus far we have just been trying to go on with our lives and just hope for the best. We feel that we should not make to much of an effort to contact our daughter since we want our daughter to feel that we are not trying to mess anything up or control the outcome of her situation with Biofather. Biofather will take any commnents heard from us and turn them against us for sure. We have sent some cards and notes to her via the mail for Valentines Day and Easter. My wife only received a text message after the Easter gift and card with a "Thanks" message.

Our Daughter's grades seem to have improved some, now B's and C's in her new High School, however she apparently has not made many friends there yet.

We feel that there is really nothing more that we can do and that we are left with a brainwashed daughter seeking toys and freedom in a "country club" home with a Biofather who will do anything to keep her out of our lives and manipulate her. Without a marriage, other kids, or any girlfriend, Biofather is making this "win" with daughter is only goal in life. I do not believe that our daughter's anger at us right now will permit her to figure this situation out anytime soon. For now we are just out. So much for doing the right thing, being honest, and providing a good role model. Let us know if there is any hope that you can see in all of this mess. What age will our Daughter even have a chance to see the reality of what is going on here? When will my stepdaughter actually feel positive towards me since I raised her and things were great until she hit 13 1/2 and Biofather started his manipulation of her? We never thought things would turn out this way. We are losng hope at this point. All very sad. Thanks so much for your comments.

Don't lose hope. It's easy for kids to gravitate toward the gifts and money and cars and computers, etc. I think your best bet would be to give her some space. I think she is already figuring out that you were right about her living with her dad, that may be why she doesn't want to talk to you. She doesn't want to have to admit that she was wrong about the situation. She will tire of it eventually and hopefully once she gets off to college, things will get better. She is going to go to college, right?

Also, teens don't do very well if they don't really have friends. After all, what good is a "party lifestyle" if you don't have any friends to party with?

I think after all of the years you've spent with her and the values you instilled, she will come around. Even if you aren't her biodad, it's obvious that you really care about her and I know that she will figure it all out sooner than you think. I think it's hard for men to really understand what it's like to be a teenage girl. I know that I was a mess from about 13-17. It's a very self-centered time for her right now, but she will grow out of it.

hamsteve- Don't give up. Do you know if biodad has given her all the "toys" that he promised to her? The reason I ask is because when I was about 14 or 15 my biodad promised me all kinds of things if I would come live with him. He had not been in my life from about 7 yrs old until I was 13. My mom couldn't buy me and my siblings everything we wanted. We didn't have much money and struggled quit a bit. I went to live with him and I didn't see any of things he promised me, no trips, no tv in my room, I didn't get my own room (which was one of the things promised), you get my point. All the promises were just to get me to come live with him. After awhile, I began to miss my mom and the life and home I left behind. I called my mom and she came right away to get me and take me home. I know that the grass always looks greener on the other side. But all the love and guidance you and your wife have given your daughter cannot be taken away with toys and money. I hope it won't take long for her to see what is truly important in life. I wish the best for you and your family.

Hello hamsteve
I'm new at this forum, but I just read what you submitted on April 18th about your stepdaughter. The situation that my husband and I are currently going through is very similar to yours. I met my husband when my son was 4 years old.. He and I have raised him with very little help financially from his biodad. His biodad was ordered to pay $30.00 per week when my son was born based on the salary he was making at the time. His support has never been increased and so my husband and I have carried the brunt of it all.. my husband has also carried our son on his medical plan through work his entire life thus far. My husband and I decided from the beginning that we thought it would be best for me to be a stay at home mom and so actually my husband has been our sole provider, fulfilling my son's every need... financially, emotionally, etc. etc. Since I did stay home, I sacrificed a lot for my son by not being in the work force and so on ,and besides that, my whole life became my son.
I have allowed my son to have a relationship with his biodad because I felt it was best for him, and so I would send him to visit on an every other weekend basis and even the last few years since my son became older, I've allowed him to go on summer vacations with his biodad and family. My son's biodad has since married and has three children with his wife-- two biological and one adopted. They've been living on (from what I here) a $120,000 income for quite some time and live a nice lifestyle. Also, my son's biodad has recently discovered that he also has a 23 yr old son that he didn't know existed. They've used this young man to lure our son because they know that he has no siblings in our home.
So yes, he is also our only child. We've been unable to conceive and have a child together. So this makes this whole thing doubly hard.
Anyway, to make a long story short, our son has decided to move out of our home and to move in with his biodad and stepmother and siblings there in Kentucky. We live about 2 hours away in Ohio. We are very hurt and feel betrayed almost. Really, we're devastated. We feel we were very good parents and we don't understand his reasoning for this decision, especially based on his biodad's track record. Our relationship with our son's biodad and stepmom has been very distant, but civil when necessary up until our son turned about 14. We found out that they were telling him that he was old enough to make a decision to move in with them and that their home was open to him if he decided to. This went on all during our son's high school years. Then, as our son became closer to turning 18 and becoming an adult, their "manipulations" became a lot worse. Just last Christmas, our son's stepmom began emailing him and saying very negative things about me and saying things to him to try to undermine my role as his mother, such as "when I was 16, I didn't have to answer to my parents and I could make my own decisions. You need to start making your own decisions without consulting your mom about everything." Every email was written to cut me up and down.
They began ridiculing and poking fun at our parental choices involving him. It just became very difficult and painful. I almost feel like they've brainwashed our son.
I can only hope that this is a phase or part of growing up that your stepdaughter and my son have to experience and that everything will work out in time. I feel your pain and I want you to know that you and your wife aren't alone. We'll be praying for you as I hope you'll pray for us. You can read my full story..it's under hurtinmom38.