Is your boyfriend receptive? Try approaching the subject in a round about way. Like at a store when you see something that may look cute on daughter then move into a How do you feel about the way she dresses? Are you worried about what signals it may be sending out to older boys or men? Are you worried about the self image you are approving of for your daughter? OR if you really really want to see a change offer to take her on a girls day ... get some clothes a hair do that doesnt require mousse (not a hair cut mom will be upset trust me) its a good way to turn a nice thing into a sort of this is how you should dress lesson ... been there done that with my sd... she didnt dress inappropriately just in really bad taste and mismatched and oh man just terrible so I started buying her clothes and then when her mom wouldnt match the clothes right for her I would match the whole outfit and tell her if you were these shoes with that skirt and this shirt and throw in that head band ...it will look super cute... and it worked.

Otherwise, you will just have to deal. I wouldnt not go to functions ... it starts out on a bad foot and sets a bad precedent for the future.

Ofcourse, all of this is assuming you feel you are in this for the long haul and want to be apart of bf life.

Good luck

oh i have had that talk with him and at the moment he says he agrees with me but then he decides to buy her the clothes that she would wear. What I have said is at nine years old, she'd wear whats available to her and if thats what your buying her then your saying its ok. With the makeup he didnt see it as a big deal, my thoughts are if you let a child have all these things now what do they have to look forward to when they're older...

What i also told him is to sit down with his ex and ask her what she does does she allow this and for them to have at least a general consensus at what they allow their daughter to do.

I've been with him for 2 years and we've started talking marriage but i am concerned because of events of the past that have happened with his daughter....don't misunderstand me i don't have an issue with the child i dont think you can at this age...At 9 years old a child does what they're allowed to get away with

I'm with you. However, I have noticed, when buying gifts for girls in my sons' classes, that Britney Spears seems to be the fashion icon the buyers are trying to emulate. At first glance, some stuff is a little cute, but at a closer look, I'm thinking, "Their parents would think I'm nuts if I bought that!"

Frankly, I think a little make-up is fine - if you're in H.S. If the school has rules, I'd follow them at home, too. So, I would assume that elem. schools do not allow make-up and I would therefore not allow it outside of school, either. If you're talking about a fruity little lip gloss geared towards younger girls, then maybe - but I'd draw the line there.

Sounds like this girl is in a big hurry to grow up. I don't believe that is a great goal for a young girl. I'd put the brakes on every chance I got.

Buy the stuff you think would fit and see her reaction. Take it from there. I have a feeling if and when she does become interested in boys, your bf may change his tune. I never think a woman/girl 'asks for it' when an attack happens, but I don't think you can be too careful about the message you are sending, either. W/ some weirdos, they take any little thing as the green light to pounce.

Good luck,
Dana

dana- that was my point about sending the wrong message... i too do not think anyone asks for it... but putting it in terms like that usually helps fathers react "oh baby girl could get hurt by this"

ie what do you think about when you see woman dressed like that ... what do you want men and boys to be thinking about when they look at your little girl

Everybody's being very nice and diplomatic here...

The part Daddy's not acknowledging - or maybe doesn't realize - is that make-up and moussed hair on a 9 year-old sends inappropriate sexual messages. It makes her look easy and attracts the kind of attention he surely wouldn't want.

It wouldn't surprise me if the BioMom doesn't know at all, or maybe knows but doesn't approve. It's the kind of childish manipulation that a girl that age would try on a naive Daddy.

thanks ladies, ive gone to the stores to look at girls clothes and nearly had a heart attack, padded bras in size 6 for kids?? clothes that i had to wait till i was sixteen years old to wear are now the in thing for tweens.

the hair thing he doesnt get he says whats wrong if she wants to fix her hair nice ...to which i respond then teach her how to use it properly or for flyaways etc.

As for the clothes i helped my boyfriend buy more age appropiate clothes this past xmas, some of the stuff she liked a couple of the dressier items for visiting she didnt like which was fine i mean yuou cant expect them to like everything...in a way it helped prove my point....at this age a child can have an opinion of what they would like to wear but you are the one who has the final say...

i already can see whats going to happen down the road, the BM apparently is more strict so if those two parents dont end up talking bout their rules for their daughter all shes going to do is play the one against the other. i just dont want to get caught in the middle..

Whacky question..... Does mom know she wears the make-up? She could be putting it on at school.

The fruity lipgloss is fine ... I do not wear any make-up mom doesn't go anywhere with out putting it on... I tell my SD 8 you are too pretty to be putting that stuff all over your face. But mommy wears it ... yes I know thats what adults do to hide their flaws you are only 8 and do not have any flaws ... lots of adults put make up on to hide pimples ... do you have pimples?

And as far as clothes ... she could be putting them on to expose herself ... my 9 yr old niece will tuck her shirts under her tank top to let her belly hang out and roll her pants down to expose her belly. She walks in the door I tell her she to cover herself ... there are too many boys in this house to be dressed like that. The first time she slept over I nearly had a heart attack... I walked in the room she was naked on the bed!!! what are you doing, this is how I sleep!!! well not in this house you don't we wear some form of clothing and underwear for sleeping ... again there are too many boys in this house to do that.

I am confused, if the mom is apparently more strict, where is the 9 year old getting makeup, etc. Did I read your comment wrong.

I didnt have clothing issues with DD until she was older.

My DD goes to a public school (an excellent one though, average SATS under old scoring in 650s), and they say in our state there is very little that can be enforced in a dress code other than safety issues (shoes required) and public decency. Other than that, they can cajole, make suggestions, etc. but the school's options are limited.

Oh I see dad is buying??

In addition to everything else, I would say if she dresses inappropriately a lot of other moms wont want their children hanging out with her. They will think she is "fast" and a bad influence.