To me, disengaging is more an emotional thing than anything else. And in a sense, BioMom IS disengaging by choosing friendship over parenting. She's abdicating her responsibilities and dumping them onto you. I suppose you could abdicate too and dump them all onto Dad, but if he doesn't pick up the full slack, that leaves the girls underparented -- and you know what the results can be.

I don't know how to fight when the other parent wants to be the friend -- My Ex did that for years, and consequently, I was always the bad guy. He did a lot of damage, and I have no doubt BioMom can too unless she recognizes the error of her ways. Any chance she can be educated?

Lone... I do what "I have to do" I choose when to disengage and when to engage. Weekends and nighttime are best for disengaging. I say "go ask your father" "what did your father say" I deflect all questions to daddy.

I have also told my SC that I do for them because I want to not because I have to ... as they like to tell me "I am not their mother" I do not have to do anything for them. I do what I do for them because I love their dad and want to make him happy and making him happy includes caring for his children.

Its not selfish to take care of yourself first. If you don't take care of yourself who will? Plane going down they tell you to put your mask on first then your children's.

And my response to mommy's angry statements.... mom is angry right now and sometimes angry people say and do dumb things.

So do for your SC if it makes you feel good. If you don't want to do it don't do it.

Another one I used often was ... don't ask me to do anything for you that you wouldn't ask your mom to do... my SS 12 would wake me up at 5:30 am to make him breakfast. Make it yourself. You are old enough to make a bowl of cereal. But I want eggs... the M on the bag is mcdonalds not mom.

Let me get this straight, OP has no particular issue with the children, but she should disengage with them.

While you say the child's mother is attempting to put them in the middle, you dont indicate any problems with the children. But if you did, I would suggest you discuss with husband.

Lonepiper, are you feeling resentful becuase you are the one who has the most responsibility for the children and feel overburdened? We all know that is demanding. I would suggest you discuss with husband. If he is the custodial parent, he should be providing these things. If he works longer hours than you and can't, then you should suggest he hire an aupair or nanny. Both TOS and I have been told, that a custodial parent can not force a non-custodial parent to be a parent.

Have you spoken to your husband? How much time are you spending on childcare v. him? Are there other children in the house?

You are not the mothers hired help or slave, the resposnibilities you are taking on are those of the custodial parent. Many custodial parents do not recieve child support. Many custodial parents live modestly at best.

KKNY, I think you may have the wrong impression. My stepdaughters are teenagers (12 and 14). They are not in need of a babysitter. This is my first marriage and I have no biological children as of yet. I spend a great deal of time with the girls which is mutually enjoyable. I have absolutely no resentment towards the girls or my husband. I willingly and lovingly accept the responsibilities of being the female "head of household" figure. The girls completely and absolutely accept me in this position. The girls also completely and absolutely accept me personally, flaws and all!! Yes, my husband is the custodial parent and I depend upon him for the final "laying down of the law" so to speak, however, the kids and I happen to 'click' and we have very few problems with one another. I respect them, they respect me. I love them, they love me. No problems, no issues. I do the things I do for them because I love them. No, they are not my biological children but love them I do! This is not a "stepmom should know her place and not have so much contact with the children - leave it to the custodial parent" kind of issue. They are in need of a maternal figure in their lives. Their mother does not want that particular job so I fullfil those needs. No, I'm not their mom, I'll never be their mom and I don't want to be their mom. To further clarify the situation, I have always supported and advocated their continued relationship with their mother. I have wiped their tears, smoothed their hair and encouraged them to look beyond the surface and realize that, no matter what, their relationship with their mother is worth fighting for. I always try to put their best interest first and foremost. This is not a "stepchild versus stepmom" issue. Nor is it a "custodial father needs to assume his duties and not leave it to the bad stepmom" sort of thing. This is a "why is their mother treating me the way she is" situation. I don't deserve her hostility.

I feel your pain lonepiper, we had a joint custody agreement then BM fell off the deep-end and we got both SS FT along with our two (soon to be three) little boys. There's not a point I think about it that I'm not furious that she just walked away from her responsibilities so she could go have fun and party while I foot the bill and burden of raising her children and my own. Then to have her show up maybe once a month (even though visitation is twice a month) and complain about what a horrible SM I am to the boys or have her cancel her visitation after we had made plans which did not accommodate four children. Not only that she also will not punish them or require them to do basic healthcare while she has visitation (they do not bathe at her house, nor brush their teeth or anything)

I've disengaged, not from the children but from their mother. I do not talk to her, she is not welcome in my home and refuse to get worked up over the drivel that comes out of her mouth. We have communicated to the boys that we cannot control your mom's behavior or what goes on in that home but while you are here these are our rules and you will follow them.

If your husband is the custodial parent have you talked to him about her behavior and perhaps limiting her time with them if she is going to behave in a negative fashion? Or just have a good vent session with him? I'll give warning about being the custodial parent and disengaging from the children in the home, I tried that once and ended up feeling only more isolated and resentful. Good Luck!

Lone,

If all this is about is the children's moms hostility, talk to DH, vent etc. I agree no one wants to be treated with hostility, but I dont see anyone the kids did to deserve it -- ergo dont see a rationale reason to disengage. I think it is fair to ask dad to speak to them, and say that anything the mom has to to say should not be repeated to you, if it is serious they should tell you. I tell my DD plenty of times, I dont want to hear what goes on in the ohter house.

Lone,

If all this is about is the children's moms hostility, talk to DH, vent etc. I agree no one wants to be treated with hostility, but I dont see anything the kids did to deserve it -- ergo dont see a rationale reason to disengage. I think it is fair to ask dad to speak to them, and say that anything the mom has to to say should not be repeated to you, if it is serious they should tell him. I tell my DD plenty of times, I dont want to hear what goes on in the ohter house. The girsl are old enough to understand this.

I never thought of it that way. Disengage from their mom, not the children. Ask the kids not to repeat the hurtful things their mother says.

Thanks for the helpful advice! It is much appreciated and hopefully my sanity will soon be restored!!