OMG my dh's ex has a twin.....

I can tell you by my experience that this women is selfish and self centered. The world and drama needs to revolve around her. I have been so nice to my hubbys ex wife it now makes me sick because she is so rude to me and tells my SS that she hates me...

As for advice... IT DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER... Ive been with DH for almost 2 years married for 1. Did not know DH before his departure from what he calls hell... She cheated with a married man and guess what its DH'S fault.

GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean that sincerely....

I agree with what Cat said.

I've been with my DH for 5.5 years, and we got married this past September. He has a 6 year old son, I have a 6 year old daughter.

My DH's ex sounds very similar to your DH's ex.

I can tell you it really is an up and down battle, a roller coaster ride, and I think the best you can do is protect yourself emotionally and set clear boundaries.

I went through the years where I wasn't "allowed" to go to birthday parties or soccer games or Christmas programs and it was awful. Then DH started standing up for me and insisting that I be present, but BM (bio-mom) would do the same things you are describing. At one YMCA Christmas program when my SS was 3 years old, his mom told me and DH (thank GOD the kids were out of ear shot) that if I so much as LOOKED at her, she was going to "claw my eyes out."

I really think she would have.

Things have been constantly up and down. She would start being nicer to me and I would think we turned the corner, but then for no apparent reason she would flip out again and the drama would start all over.

I finally, finally had to end all communication with her. I sadly have not attended any of SS's soccer games this fall because I refuse to put myself in a situation where I will be verbally abused or berated or insulted.

As of right now, we do things with SS when he is with us (karate) and BM doesn't attend---so he hasn't noticed so much that I am "absent" from soccer because BM isn't at karate when he's with us.

It is sad that my relationship with him is "limited" due to BM's personality, but--like I said--there are things I just won't tolerate. I can take the nasty looks or silent treatment, but no one will be verbally abusive and rude to me.

It sounds like your BF is supportive and that's good. One thing to really be wary of is a man that just wants to "keep the peace." My husband ws like that for a long time (as in allowing BM to forbid me from attending events) and I finally had to say either stick up for US or I'm out...

It certainly won't be an easy road, but I think you can do it. In some ways, it helps that the kids are older and more able to see the situation clearly, although I do think they will always "protect" their mom. That's natural.
My SS was not even 2 when I started dating his dad, and his mom TRASHED me to him from the get-go. So he and I had a very rough road. It was really sad because you could (and still can) see the guilt/torment on his face, wanting to like/love me, but feeling like he was being disloyal to his mom by doing so. His mom still tells him, to this day, that he doesn't have to listen to me because I'm not his mom, and other such things...SIGH. Luckily, he is very intuitive and has matured a lot over the last few months and is becoming more certain about the fact that he does love me. He recently told his mom (while I was out of town) that he loved me and missed me and didn't care if that made her mad--WOW! She guilitiy reported this to my DH and the counselor.

I tihnk the more you can do to not let BM get to you, the better.

Some counseling for you and your boyfriend, if he's willing, is not a bad idea....just to figure out how to navigate these waters!

lovehadly

AT my SS's soccer games BM sits in her car, she had never cheered her son on for soccer r football. My ss comes up to me on his mom's days and tells me he misses me and loves me. I play soccer in the yard with him and he loves it... BM has never kicked a ball to him.. Sad but true... DH and BM have 50/50.. so eow I have to see her.YUK but I swallow all the lies she tells everyone and I puk them up when I get home.. I need Pepto just to get through a conversation....DH coach's soccer so she hates it...

Should I try reaching out to BM? Based on the feedback, it almost seems like an effort in futility. Is it best to just sit back and respond to her actions? My BF is very supportive. He feels that I have every right to be a part of his life and that we shouldn't acknowledge BM's evil ways. I'm just more of a proactive person and want to try to deal with it if possible. BTW, SD just contacted me and told me she was sorry for ignoring me today. It means so much because I know that my BF would not make her do that. I just hate that her mom even puts her in that situation.

I would not discuss this with the lady because then she will know she has gotton under your skin. Just grin and bear it all and never let on that she is getting to you. Perhaps someday she will get tired of playing her games without any reaction from you.

As for sd I would accept her apology and just tell her that it does hurt your feelings when she acts that way and tell her you understand that she does not want to upset her mom or you.

Eventually sd will get tired of being caught in the middle of her moms games.

Detroit girl, also dont think you should try to reason with Ex,and also dont think it will get better..After 10 years away from Ex, I ve been with DH 6 years, married 4, no change in situation..But at least theres only one rude insulting person..I ve got 2, BM and her mother......Grandmother actually runs after me(and she s in her eighties!!!) to say mean things after a basketball game..BM never went to a game ever, until DH brought me...Now she never misses one....I also have to take aspirin and acid controllers LOL to cope with this..But this season, DH is talking about explaining to SS that we are not going to any games..I hate for that to happen, DH loves to see the games, but its so out of control,its affecting both of our health...

Don't reason with her simply because she won't here it. She has made up her mind that she hates your guts and unfortunatly there is nothing but time that will smooth things over. Even time may not help the situation.

The only thing you can do is refuse to let her get a rise out of you and no matter how bad she shows her butt do NOT back down. It is a good thing you did NOT leave the game because if it works one time you can bet she will be a @$$hole at every single event untill you are ran off completely. She will stoop to huting the kids time and time again.

My husbands EX pulled a few stunts like this in the beginning....same situation. She had left him and moved in with the guy she had been sleeping with. She had no problem with any of the other girls J dated but when I came along she saw it was getting serious and she flipped. She started accusing me of wrecking her marriage even though the divorce was final before I even KNEW J and he had been casually dating OTHER girls before me.

There were a few holidays she all but destroyed by showing her butt. We stopped doing ANYTHING joint with her. Cut her off completely except when dealing with the girls being dropped off or picked up. Eventually after years of being on a short leash and not having her BS tolerated for even one second she all but dissapeared. She can't get next to J so she dumped the girls (they live with us now) and moved three states away. She calls occasionally and sees the girls maybe once a month. Once she lost control and couldn't manipulate us by using the girls as a weapon she lost interest and went on with her life....without her kids. That's sick and sad but in the long run the girls are probably better off because she has alot of issues.

I don't understand why some people will hurt their children over a failed relationship. You would think the bond with the children would be tighter than that, with the childrens MOTHER no less, but sometimes they can't get over that bitterness.

My BF ran into one of the hockey moms today that was at the game on Sunday. She told my BF that she sat next to BM and her BF. Apparently BM sat and trashed me the entire time. The good thing was that the hockey mom told my BF that it was obvious that BM was the one with the serious issue and that we should not worry about her trash talk because it is very transparent. She said that all the parents are aware of what a good man my BF is and that they will always support him and not let BM's trash talk affect their opinions of me or him. It's nice to see the support of all of you and other adults. It is just so hard for me to understand the immense hate one person can have. What a shame that she can't move on and that her negativity penetrates her throughout. It amazes me how many other exes are out there with this warped sense of rationale.

Follow up question- me and my BF were talking about having his daughter see a counseler to deal with her issues with BM's reaction. Anyone else do this? Success??

Yes, but not just for that reason. SD13 (custodial as well) has a very similar mom who had very similar reactions to me - all with her BF in tow. Makes so much sense, but I digress . . . .
My Sd was right about your SD's age when she started figuring things out. She fears upsetting her mom and until recently would say pretty much whatever she wanted to hear to make BM happy as it made Sd's life easier. With her counselor helping her learn productive ways to 'use her voice' and stand up for her own feelings she has made great strides. She actually told me on Saturday not to waste my time being frustrated with her mom - 'she's selfish and not worth it.'
I don't think you want to steer her to counseling just under this premise, but counseling to help her become more self assured and confident is never a bad thing.

WWOW!! sounds like my DH 's ex was well! lol,
nope , it doesn't get better. These type of woman are miserable and it will come to a blow again when your pregnant.. my dh's ex was flippin' when i was preg...
Stand your ground like i did' Go to games and go to church events etc..etc...let her cuss and let her make a mockery of herself. After a few years of this her own kids will turn about and tell her shes a baby and get over it.
My own SD had a meltdown with her mom last week. She was being punished for talkign back but it was because SD called her a baby with the way she behaves with my Dh and a liar. so she got punished. Lol.....i know in a few years her own daughter will tell her to muzzle it.
Its natural for you Sd to be protective, its natural and your dh is right to tell her that its her moms thing ot work out. my dh did the same, keep your ground, keep your relationship and show your support and let bm keep cussing, changing boyfriends etc..etc..my dh's ex went through 6 bf.....who wants to stay with someone who acts like this??? its no fun.

I would say this is something you'll have to deal with until SHE gets over it. You, in particular, are not the problem. You are just the easy target. You symbolize what she doesn't have anymore such as a steady relationship, your husband, her kids, some of her things. They may be all things she had a hand in losing, but that doesn't mean she wouldn't take them back whenever she could. In her eyes, you are the only thing standing in the way of her having her things back. I'm in no way saying all of this is reality, because it's probably not. But, as my mom so wisely told me once, "it's not about the truth; it's about what THEY believe that makes them dangerous."

Oh, and don't confront her. No matter what you do she will turn it around on you. If you don't react, she'll say "look at her sitting over there like she's better than me". If you do react, she'll say "Can you believe she said those things to me?" and play the victim. You just have to react in whichever way you can deal with the consequences afterward.