kswl: Opelika ! Let me know where/when and I will drive over....19 is easy peasy to get to from here. c

I have a feeling that this thread will inspire changes in quite a few people for the better. I know it has made me think more openly about what I want via friends and how I need to stop thinking about doing and just do.
It also has made me face that the change needs to come from me and that being passive won't work. One can't change the family they were given, but you can do something about friends. Since I have no family contacts on my side any more, and those on dh's side are mostly nice, but limited, I need to reach out to friends more and be more of one. I'd hate to wake up one day years from now with an empty nest and find that I took care of everyone's social life but my own. I foster the kids having friends and have them invite others over all the time for them. I think I need to get over having to have the house nicer and just start inviting some adult friends. In our last house, I was not so "house conscious" and would have people over much more often. When we moved in to a better neighborhood in a not as nice house, I lost my mojo. It is now better after the reno, but it is not done. That should not stop me from entertaining. If I wait until the house is all perfect (which will probably never be) then I may find that the potential friends all went by the wayside while I was not paying attention to them.

Caroline, we drove through Opelika last month on a road trip to Madison. Took a little side trip on the way home and went to Monroeville to see the old courthouse museum. If it hadn't been raining I would have loved to done the walking tour.

Here is a link that might be useful: To Kill a Mockingbird

dianalo, I know exactly how you feel. I live in a modest house in a very upscale town. The friends I have made here live in similar houses and are not the country club type.
We finished our kitchen three years ago and this has made me feel so much better about this house.
And, funny you should mention having your house perfect. Next week we are going to dinner with three couples and I invited them back to my house for dessert. Already I am thinking about how and when to clean my house! These are close friends that really won't be giving my house the white glove treatment! Old habits die hard.

OMG, trail runner! My husband is from Opelika! His brother and family live in and his mom, and all his dad's family--- we are there pretty often!

Did you grow up there?

Hhireno, I love your response to What do you do?..."about what?" Never thought of that one!

I usually say, "Not much."

Patty_cakes, I'm in DFW and would definitely consider meeting up with a group of Texas GWers, if we could decide upon a mutually agreeable location! I was in Austin a couple of months ago for a work-related conference. It's such a neat city, and I'd love to be able to return one of these days and spend more time there, but I'm not sure when I'll be able to get down that far south next.

Any other Texans here who might be interested in a meet-up?

Well natal and kswl...I am sorry that we haven't met up !! Natal i wish you had emailed me before hand....darn it LOL.

We have the Victorian Porch Tour starting next week . Our house is on the tour. It is exterior of the houses only. Santa's on each porch. There are drive throughs each night starting Wed. and then on Saturday night it is a walking tour and there is a lot of music and festivities. Friday night is an old Victorian Themed Downtown and they have lots of music up the street in the downtown area and festivities and there are trolley rides through the neighborhood.

Any chance that either of you will be coming to town ?

kswl...you can email me through GW...as they say in the South " who are your husband's people " ? :)

Here is a link that might be useful: Porch Tour

tracey b - I love it here. It has been a well kept secret until recently. Now we have a lot of people moving in from California and such.

I root for the hogs, too.

WRS...have you read or heard of the novel, "Architecture of the Arkansas Ozarks" by Donald Harington? I read it while in college and still remember how funny I thought it was.

Well, I survived the Christmas party last night. Didn't walk away with any new friends, but at least I was able to remember some names from previous company ordeals. I watched and listened....it's amazing how easily some people can converse with new people about anything. I just don't have that gift.

Yes, it's true. Some people are just naturally social. The rest of us have to work at it.

CEFreeman - glad to see someone else feels the same about social networking and twitter, and for me that also includes texting! No thanks! (my adult daughter feels the same, too...)
A lot of you who wish you had friends/more friends/closer friends have said you spend much time with DH. For those in good relationships, at least you have that!! I've been divorced for many years, and the loss of my closest friends and BFF to cancer (as I mentioned in the invisible thread) has been heartbreaking; my last remaining very close friend is dealing with very serious medical issues. Although I'd rather be single than in a conflicted marriage, the lack of such daily companionship or of contact (including visiting, going places and doing stuff together) on a fairly regular basis with a close friend is becoming more problematic to me as I get older, even though I've always been one who enjoys a fair amount of time by myself. My daughter has been like a best friend, and we call each other constantly and do things together especially when she is between relationships; when she is involved, not so much, as it should be. Then is when the absence of close friends is most felt.
I know it's unlikely that I'll ever have a friend as close as my best friend. We met as separated moms with little kids in a divorce support group, and we were there for each other as our kids grew up. We both had no success in dating, and used to laugh that we'd end up growing old together sitting in rocking chairs at a nursing home. In the years before she died at 50, my other friends had already passed at age 39 and 44. But now, even having various friends who are not so close, to do different things with, sounds better than having no socializing at all, although it sounds like a lot more work to keep that level of friendship going than with someone who knows you completely and gets it for example if your too tired after work to do anything for an extended period of time.....at the suggestion of someone who posted ideas for seeking friends and socializing, I checked out meet-up.com, but found the meet up groups in my area, except for one, are all to me totally unrelated to my interests (drinking, wiccan, religious, etc.) The bookclub one is 30 miles away, but in the spring i'll check it out, and will inquire about bookclubs at local libraries. As someone said on one of these two threads, it's hard when you do approach new people you think you might like to be friends with and they don't respond, or are just too busy....it's been so helpful to me to read about other's experiences, and to know I'm not in this boat alone (so to speak!)
Penny G.

penny, I don't have anything helpful, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear of your loss of three friends. That is really rough.

Sending my best wishes to you--

kswl/Trail Runner, I work just outside of Buckhead in Sandy Springs..
I'm in

Penny, my thoughts are with you too.

I am so sorry Penny for your losses. I think what makes not having a current bf hard is having had one (or more) so that you know what you are missing.... Even those of us with a dh, or esp. those with a dh, need a confidante who you can talk to that is not the spouse sometimes. I was single until I met my dh at 30, and that felt lonely at times, but I always had a bf and so did not feel alone. I am so glad your dd is so close to you.

After reading this thread and doing some thinking I was starting to think I should contact my former-bf and see if there were anything left there after all. She and I had been so intertwined in each others lives for so long that even if we have spent the past 7+ years apart, I figured at least we had that history. I was thinking about how to approach her since I was the one who said it is best to let it drop in our last exchange. I was going to message her on Fb so that she'd have time to think about things before speaking to me directly. I got on Fb with that purpose and saw a new post of FB from her, not common btw, and it was so very religious that I felt uncomfortable and knew it was a mistake to try to force things. There is nothing wrong with having a faith, but part of our drift prior to the "break up" had been her getting way more into religion than she had ever been. I think every friend I have has a religion and it has never been an issue, but in her case, she seemed to go extreme.
Part of me thinks I should try harder to make things happen, but another part thinks things should happen naturally and not be forced. It is a hard balance to negotiate.....

Penny, so sorry for your losses. I know that must be hard. I lost my best friend in my 20's and I still have that hole in my heart.

Tracey b - I have never heard of that book before, but I just downloaded it from Amazon. Thanks so much, I am sure my husband will love it, too.

I think it is great that this thread has brought up so much for people to think about. Sometimes a seed gets planted and just needs some time to grow.

When I really want to make a change. I write down what I want to change and why. I review it over and over along with a plan to implement. I have a book on marriage that I review periodically, to remind me how I need to express my appreciation to my husband. We so easily slip back into old habits.

We won't always be successful, but we all should keep trying, because we need the practice.

I apply for Medicare tomorrow in anticipation of turning 65 in February. As one who was transferred around the country every 2-3 years in my career, AND who is single, making friends has always been a priority for me. I moved to my retirement home here in northern Utah in 2005, and knew that I could attack the "making new friends" project fully, since I would no longer be distracted by work.

My advice: Join Newcomers' Club. This is a nation-wide organization of people who move into communities and need to make friends. Here in northern Utah, I've found SO many wonderful friends in this organization....couples, aas well as other widowed or divorced singles. And the organization is totally accepting of members (both men and women) who do not have a partner.

The key is to join and then participate in the various activities. Our club offers so many things, that everyone will find something of interest. I play Bunko monthly with 11 other gals and we've become very close; I attend the coffees, the dinners out; I am the chair for the golf group, and we play 9-holes of golf twice each month, our group consisting of women and even men who are retired, but their wives still work....our group always goes out to lunch together after that day's play, so we get to know each other better; the gourmet group that involves hosting and being hosted for gourmet dinners in your home -- singles are paired with other singles so there is an even number for the evening, the book club that meets monthly, the wine tasting club that meets monthly in various members' homes to sample and discuss the wines featured that month; bridge, mah jonggp; hiking, snowshoeing, skiing.... You can see how many, many activities there are.

What I really love about the activities is that when I particpate in a variety of them, I meet very different people...some folks prefer less activity, others are outdoor enthusiasts. Since I like both, I am able to meet people in both camps.

Last night was our annual Christmas open house party, hosted by one of the members. There were over 120 people in attendance, and I so enjoyed myself as I chatted through the groups because I knew almost all of the men and women there. And it was gratifying to hear, when I arrived late (to avoid the rush when everyone arrives at once) so many people come up and tell me they'd been looking for me, asking whether I was there. THAT is the sign that you've really made some wonderful friends!

And...for those of you who aren't moving, but who would like to make new friends, I recommend Newcomers to you, as well. Here in northern Utah, our new members include people newly transferred to the community AND people who were born and raised here, or have lived here for years and years.

Hope this tips helps. Good luck on your move....I well know how challenging moves can be.

Thank you Nancybee, ellendi, dianalo, and WhiteRiverSooner for your kind words. This thread and the other really got to me emotionally, bringing up feelings of loss I've not been in touch with for a long time, and your responses are appreciated.
On a much, much lighter note, I must say I nearly spit out my organic herbal tea when re-reading my post; the part about my finding the meet-ups right now in my area are all unrelated to my interests. I then added in parenthesis: "drinking, wiccan, religious, etc." OMG LOL, that sounds like I was saying those are my areas of interest, rather than what I meant - those are all I can find!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

peegee, I didn't read it that way but now you have me cracking up!

Now I am disappointed that you aren't a partying witch that is very religious.
I actually read it the way you meant the first time....

I agree with those who say if you invite, usually people will say yes. We started a little tradition about 5 years ago of inviting another family over for Passover. Parents of my son's friend, including the grandma. My mom pushed me to do it. I was reluctant and wasn't into socializing at that time.

Well, we've been invited back, and the friendship has grown. This year, I decided to expand the guest list- I have a guy friend that is a special friend for 35 years, but I wasn't really getting to know his new wife. So I invited months in advance, and they were thrilled. One thing led to another, and the list expanded to about 25. So now its set in stone, everyone expects it. And it spawned other invitations.

Its like in sales- you don't get the sale you don't ask for. I realized that there are a lot of traditions that you can build on or make an excuse to have and people like it. Invite, invite, invite. And then you may find after a while it was fun.

Hey auntjen, I remember you saying you were in Dallas! Next time you 'come to town', please let me know~~I would love to meet you. I can't say I know Austin as well as I know San Diego, but I could probably get us to a few places, like Soco, which is short for South Congress. It's a neat street with all kinds of unusual shops, including antique shops. There's a store called Uncommon Objects and it's really cool, full of all kinds of stuff with individualized spaces, a lot like an antique mall.

I love Austin, the people are the friendliest i've ever met, but I have a feeling that's a TX thing! Hope to meet you someday, Jen. I have daughters your age, buy hey, I can still hang with the best of 'em!! ;o)

Peegee,, lol, you might have found LOTS of friends as a drinking religious witch! That is too funny!!!

Okay--- we have tfm1134, trail runner, kswl and natal in our area of Georgia/ East Alabama....any more up for a Gtg?

Trailrunner, you have mail. :)

I used to post frequently here back 5-10 years ago, but have been mostly lurking these. I happened to post this morning and just saw this thread. Can't believe I'm not the only one!

After several moves (last one to NJ) and job changes, I'm left feeling like few people my age (almost 50) I meet are open to new friendships. In the past, DH and I have always gotten to know people in our neighborhoods and gotten close to at least a few. But now we live an a more rural area where we just don't see people as frequently. And because DH and I don't have kids, we're out of that automatic social loop. We are close to one set of neighbors, but while I like hanging out at their house, I don't have enough in common with the wife to really enjoy spending time with her alone.

I'm about the graduate from grad school, which has been very intense and time consuming experience. I was so excited to meet new people there and have made some good friends, but they're so involved in their own lives that aside from an occasional get-together as a group, no one is really interested in getting together. I'm also in a very different place in life - while many of my old friends are thinking about when they can retire, I'm starting an entirely new career.

I always envisioned that the friends I was close to in our previous state would visit, but they act like we live on the other side of the country, rather than 3-4 hours away.

I keep thinking there have got to be other women out there like me, but I can't seem to find them.

I haven't read this whole thread, but I think I know the gist of it.

It's funny because one of my best friends in the world and I were talking the other day on the phone about this subject. We met when are kids were little and we went through a lot together. Now we are both grandmothers and we live several states apart.

Since we've gotten older and our kids are grown, neither of us have been able to connect with anyone special. We both have friends, but we don't have really close friends.

For some of us, I'd venture to say it's even hard to form acquaintances here on this site. Do you ever feel like your posts are less than important? I know I've felt that way, justified or not.

I also know there are some very kind and generous folks here. It's just easy to feel out of the loop when you are trying to fit in somewhere.

I've been a member here for several years, but until recently, rarely posted. That's mainly because our new home is completed and I have a few questions.

Anyway this is an interesting thread. Thanks to the OP for starting it.

I think it depends on where the person's mind is at the time. Not that what YOUR particular post is less important. For example, someone just posts a spectacular kitchen and then be asked about the wall color!
Even though I am finished with my kitchen, and will not be doing any extensive decorating, I like seeing what everyone else is doing and sometimes I would like to think that they can learn from my experience or in some cases mistakes.
I have beome addicted to this thread and have enjoyed seeing the more prsonal side of people that I have come to recognize on this forum.

kswl:no email ever came . I sent you one through GW...let me know if you get it. If not I will put my email address here. c

I have not received one, either! I sent you three messages--- I guess the website doesn't really send them??

I put my email address for you on the other thread that you started this AM....carolinedonnellyatbellsouthdotnet

Hi, sent you an email to above address this am. Do you have a spam folder?

this is just too odd...nope no spam filters at all. I have 2 different Mac's and no emails from you on either one. hmmm...everyone else has been sending me emails all day....church friends...DD, DS...friend in WS sent 4 of them....I can't figure it out. There has to be something wrong with the address ...the way you are entering it...or your computer ????

carolinedonnellyat(@)bellsouthdot (.)net

try again...send a carrier pigeon LOL....414 N 8th St. you know the town and the zip

I responded to your email...2x..it WAS in my spam account...duh...I am so not a computer person. c

I've been so busy at work I've had little time to comment.

Also late 40's but only married 5 years. Met DH when I turned 40. Neither of us had children. I moved here to be with him, so I have had to start new. I don't really have any close friends here either. DH has his BFF from middle school, but that's about it. I am way more extroverted than he is, but otherwise we match up well.

Tracey_b, my parents had me at 40 after 4 other kids, but they always said I kept them young. They said they weren't going to stay home because they had another baby. I went pretty much everywhere. I was a very independent kid and more like an only child. I could always entertain myself. My father passed away in 1993, and my mother in 2008.

My siblings, extended family, and many friends still live in my hometown almost 600 miles away.

Goldgirl, I made lots of great friends in grad school. We had a lot of fun tailgating, baking Christmas cookies, etc. But then we are now all scattered throughout the country. I really miss that fun. I was the "last one" left in our college town before I got married and moved here with DH.

I guess I have learned from this thread I need to put myself out there more. I am in a women's community group, but not particularly close to anybody there. We also joined our neighborhood association and were on the board for a couple of years. It's hard, because I work long hours, and most days I am lucky I can make to workout and cook a healthy dinner.

I'm posting a link from my former roommate. This was an op-ed piece from my hometown.

Have a good evening, everyone.

Here is a link that might be useful: Vicarious Pet Ownership Brings Multiple Rewards

I can relate to what you are saying gsciencechick. My family is scattered throughout the country. I think I feel it most during the holidays.
You are right about putting yourself out there. Tomorrow my DH and I are going out for a hoilday dinner with three other couples. It was me who decided to make these holiday dinners a yearly tradition. I also initated with the woman of this group to go out for birthday lunches and dinners. These things might have happened anyway, but who knows?
I was happy to get a call from an exercise friend. She hasn't been to class in months. We plan to go to lucnch or coffee but I will have to make sure to make time for this. Weeks turn in to months etc.
Sometimes I look at a neighbor of mine. She is nice enough, but I can honestly say that I am not interested in having her as a close friend. However, she has so many friends and is always being invited to gatherings and parties. I really don't get it. I read this thread and there are so many interesting, kind intelligent woman, yet we don't have the social lives that we would like to have.What are we missing?

Yes, the holidays can be difficult. I grew up having the kind of Christmas that was filled with siblings, visiting relatives (esp a beloved Great Aunt), presents, food, Santa, outrageous decorations -- the works. We had the same sort of Christmas for my kids.

Now due to divorces, deaths, grown kids and family scattered to the four winds, Christmas is not very festive. My nieces and their families come to visit after the 25th, so I look forward to that. On Christmas morning, I get up and read the newspaper like every other morning! My son comes by at some point and makes a big breakfast. We have dinner with my elderly mother at her house. If it's nice, we go for a walk. Altogether it's not so bad.

My three friends and I are going out for dinner this weekend at a Christmasy kind of place and that will be nice. I am really only close to one of them. The other is her sister and one is her neighbor.

Once I left my job, I totally lost touch with all but one colleague there. Once you are no longer part of the office, and can't talk about what's going on there, you lose touch. I have kept in touch with friends from other jobs, though. We have occasional lunches -- maybe once a year.

I volunteer at my library and that has been a great way to have social interactions, even if we don't get together any other time. I think volunteering is a great way to get to know people, especially if you volunteer at a place where you are very interested in what they do. That way, you meet people with similar interests. My friend moved to Cape Cod after her divorce, knowing no one there. She volunteered for everything under the sun! Now she has a great group of friends and her life seems full for the most part.

I agree that keeping friendships alive is hard work! It is easier to sit by yourself in the house than to reach out to others. I have to do more of that.

After reading thru ALL the threads, I feel very, very blessed to have such close relationships with my kids. I can't even begin to imagine spending Christmas w/o at least two of them~ I have 5, plus 3 spouses, and 6 grands. Holidays w/ my parents were always about family, so i'm carrying on a tradition my children will continue. As a family we have 'expectations' of each other~a call or a card on birthdays and holidays had better be sent. I told my kids for years these were the only brothers and sisters they would ever have, and I expected them to be thoughtful and considerate of each other, and they are! The same goes for the grands, they know Grandma will 'get mad', and they'll 'hear about it'. ;o)

One word:

JAZZERCISE!!!

Seriously, you can meet and become friends in that program faster than any other way I've ever seen. Especially if your town has a great facility. Most groups do all sorts of social things together and you get fit while having FUN.

This thread has been eating at the back of my brain since it started. So many people going through so many different situations that I can relate to.

I had a bad "breakup" with a friend of 20 years. Over, done, kaput. We both grew up in the town in which we live, so there were a lot of connections, even though we didn't meet until (soon) after High School. I know it is for the best that we're not friends anymore, but I miss having that person who has the same frame of reference for things, you know? And I do miss her kids, who I was close to.

I recently quit the waitressing job I've been working at for a few years. I have found that I really miss that "girl time". So thanks to this thread I invited some of my work friends here for a holiday potluck. Then I got motivated and invited 15 other friends from various areas. There will be trophy wives, single moms, retired women, business owners, saleswomen, artists and I think it'll be fun. One thing about the restaurant business, it is one arena where you work with people who you can have absolutely no other thing in common but the place you work. I'm thinking no matter our differences, we can all commiserate this time of year!

The party is Wednesday, I'll let you all know how it goes! Thank you for the inspiration.

Beth P.

Wow, Beth -- good for you! I think a move like that will snowball in a good way. People will invite you to their home or out for dinner or lunch.

CEF, I am in Alexandria.

Yes, Beth, please share the highlights of your party.

Many times I have wondered if I was a flawed person as I could not establish a close two way friendship. My dh and I have always been very close, so that filled a lot of my needs. It never really hit home how much I needed friends I could count on until my husband became ill and almost died. I had absolutely no one I could call. When he recovered we had a long conversation and decided to make major changes to our lives. That was when I discovered my husband had the same longings for friends. We sold our home and moved to a very, very active retirement community in South Carolina. It has been absolutely wonderful. There are so many groups and activities. Everyone has been very welcoming. I think part of it is we all moved here and knew no one. We are all in the same financial level, don't need to impress anyone. All the houses are in the same price range, so no comparisons. We don't worry about being spotless housekeepers, so I am ready for guests at any time. I know this might not be the solution for everyone, but going to a very, very active 55plus community has been the best thing we have ever done.

It's 1 in the AM and I don't have time to read all the posts, but I am so interested in the ones I have. I don't want to see this roll off the bottom of the page, so I am hoping this will keep it going and people will add more. Love the topic... "when you don't want to be invisible". I can so relate.

I had been trying to re-connect with a friend by emailing her and arranging lunch dates. I was always the one to initiate. I kept it up for several months. When we saw each other it was always really nice. When we ran into each other at church there were always big hugs and "we have to do lunch again soon !". The only way that was going to happen was if I initiated. I stopped. For good or bad I don't think that it can be one-sided.

I have given this a lot of thought. I have always been a loner and I believe I always will be. I have had one good friend at a time for years and then it would end and I would have another. I seem to be able to manage that and nothing else. I believe that if I really wanted more I would do more to aide the process. DH and I are really close and do a lot of things together and separately. He has no close friend either. But that is nothing new.

Looking at it dispassionately it is the way we are. I no longer think there is something wrong with us. Everyone finds their own way of carrying on. My way wouldn't work for someone else and their way wouldn't work for me.

When I am on a bike tour for months at a time I do enjoy being with others ...up to a point. All of us on the trips agree that our tent is like a return to the womb :) When I get home I really relish the lack of stimulation from others and go right back into my solitary ways. I have meditated at length on this and on my original thread that spawned this thread. I am what I am and that is all that I am. Peaceful is how I feel ...not lonely or alone. c

Trailrunner,

I have also been in the position of being the initiator of all activities with certain people. We have what seems to be a really good time when we're together but the only one picking up the phone is me. It makes you wonder: am I the only one having fun here? Or maybe they just don't like me and are cringing when I call.

One never knows...but I have tended to let those relationships dwindle. I stay friendly of course, but stop trying. Sometimes the only thing keeping the friendship together was you and it disappears, dying a natural deaths. Something you have to work that hard to keep up isn't worth it. My time is too valuable to waste chasing people or carrying the ball all the time. There's Not much to be done about it, sad as it is to lose someone whose company you enjoy (and who seems to enjoy your company too!) simply because they can't be bothered to reach out.

By the way, if anyone thinks this is some kind of high standard, you should know I don't expect a friend to make efforts in a 1:1 ratio. Every effort on my part does not require a direct return. That would be petty and we all get busy and have different things going on that require our attention. Also, it doesn't need to be actually organizing to get together. It can also just be a quick email or phone call to say hi.

It all comes down I suppose to feeling like if someone you are extended yourself to doesn't show interest in you then why bend over backwards?

If you're interested, this has a part 2 on the conversation side.

What or where is the conversation side?

Annie use your back button to get to the main list of discussions. At the top of the list you'll see the following:

On-Topic Discussions Switch to: Gallery : Conversations

Click on Conversations and it will take you there. Once there you will see a list of discussions just like here but they are "Off-Topic" or non decorating. To get back here, click Discussions