Sorry, still haven't figured out how to post pics, but this is the type of stain I'm thinking. Unfortunately cabinet maker won't use this product, or it would be so much easier.

Here is a link that might be useful: 5% white stain

Farmgirlinky has posted that her cabinetmaker used Monocoat on her cabinets. Perhaps you could show your cabinetmaker a picture of her spectacular kitchen.

Here is a link that might be useful: Cabinet finishing thread (scroll down for photo)

lime wax/lime wash is spectacular on oak. You can also stain and then lime wash for a slightly deeper color.

Lisa,
1 - thanks for your responses to my posts
2 - What is the stain you have chosen for your white oak? I think Scherr's will use only Benjamin Moore products, but perhaps I could match fairly easily if you are going with a different brand.
Can't wait to see how your kitchen turns out!
BT

Manufacturer is going to show me samples this week of 2%, 3% and 5% gray stain. I'm thinking very light, so probably 2% or 3%. I'll let you know what I go with. Are you leaning towards oak? There are some gorgeus photos on Houzz.

I did a finish on white oak once and it looked very similar to that 5% white. I honestly can't remember what I used but the sample on that website looks like what I did. I then clear coated over it. I like the fact that it is an all in one finish and you don't have to clear coat. Maybe if you got some damage down the road you could light sand and apply some more. I think some call this this technique liming oak rather than whitewash not sure though. Your kitchen will look really great with what you are planning.