This reminds of the time about 40 years ago my mother let my young son (maybe 5 or 6 y/o) watch TV in her bedroom because my father was watching football on the FR TV. As he proceeded to climb onto her bed, she stopped him so she could turn the bedspread down first, at which my son exclaimed, "Why does everything have to be so an-a-septic?" Said son now has the same proclivities....

Perhaps DIL was trying to be considerate by picking an out of the way bedroom to spread out all her tax papers/supplies? Maybe she didn't feel the public areas of the home were appropriate to leave her very personal information?

Either way, I sure hope that (very touchy) discussion went well for you both.

My whole house is used, even by the dog. (gasp) Food and drinks are allowed every where. (second gasp, this one from Mtn) I only have bedding that is easily washed.

The only thing I find odd is for your DIL to go into an entirely different room, and sit on that bed to do her paperwork. Yes, young people don't seem to use desks anymore, but Ithink she should have asked to use this other room.

On the bright side, I think she must feel very comfortable in your home and with you. She was probably was raised in a very relaxed home like mine :)

I suspect there are at least 3 generations of people posting here. Those of us pushing 70 or more and remembering our mothers or ancient Emily Post at least knew what I was talking about. By the next generation down (and my DIL is included here) everyone thinks I'm crazy. The interesting thing is my 5 year old (gorgeous, brilliant) grandson is also staying during this period (my son works internationally and my DIL has to spend 6 mos. a year in the US for immigration reasons) so he is stuck with a lot of "don't use my sofa as a trampoline!" from Grandma. Hope he isn't damaged for life!

Ellendi--can't agree about food. Had Berber carpet in a family room when a non-family member waltzed in with a Starbucks cappuccino, lost her balance and spilled the d.... thing all over my (already older) carpet. No way to get cream and sugar out of carpet. I probably needed new carpet, but I would have liked it to have been replaced on my own financial schedule.

Yes, that's why I only have carpet in my finished basement. Basically where my daughters hung out growing up. Every where else is wood or washable.

No food outside of the kitchen and dining room, where it is to be consumed while seated, using a plate or similar. Mindful eating.

That rule is really for the decor and the derriere! : )

I grew up with no such rules. Really no rules at all. I do remember visiting an Aunt who had a house with a living and dining room with what I assume was very expensive furniture with plastic covers on it. They covers only came off on Christmas day and that was the only time anyone was allowed in the rooms. When visiting, everyone was escorted to the finished basement. Even her husband was not allowed in the "rooms". I, at a very young age, decided I never wanted a house like that.

I do recall asking my mom about certain customs and the answers were often attributed to the cost of items, how quickly things became dirty or broken.

It seems that many of the rules were in place because people could not easily, wash, fix or replace items. This certainly makes sense.

I gave up years ago on the NO eating outside of the kitchen or dining room. It became one of those "pick your battles" moments and I gave up on it.

Debrak: In lots of Italian families, they actually had a second kitchen in the basement where all the heavy cooking was done, so as to keep the upstairs kitchen clean. Really--true fact, as they say.

My kids are pretty good about it, maybe because we all do it and always have and because it's also framed as a healthy habit and not just Whacko Mom And Her White Sofas. We stop movies and have intermission to go in the kitchen for a snack and chat about the movie.

I do find occasionally they have the little pretzel or popcorn snack bags and such in their rooms but that's no biggie. And bottled water everywhere.

I just remember my mother being completely aghast when she found out our neighbor made her boys nap UNDER the bed, so they did not mess up her beautiful work making the beds.

We napped in our beds.....I pulled the spread back up when I got out, my brother did not, but there was no rule.

Our cat sleeps on the beds. I've told him to stop, but he refuses to obey.

I have a pick-stitch quilt on my bed and it flattens out if I sit on it. I always flip it back before sitting or lying down. In the guest room is a matelasse spread and I sit on that because there is no harm done. I guess my only request of anyone sitting on the bed is that they smooth out the indentations from their butt.

I want a second, real kitchen.

My Aunt with the off limits rooms was Polish and did have a 2nd kitchen in the basement for big cooking projects. My neighbors are Italian and have a full 2nd kitchen in the basement plus rows of tables and chairs for big parties. When the mom was still alive she would host all the holidays. She had 13 children, + spouses, and grandchildren. They all ate in the basement.

I'm 69 and when I was a child I lived on a road where most everyone still had outdoor toilets and used iceboxes and just generally had a very rural, old fashioned, even for the early fifties, way of life. I remember one neighbor whose house I spent a lot of time in, wouldn't allow sitting on the beds. Her reason was that she was raised with feather beds and sitting on them caused major disruption of the whole bed. She had regular mattresses when I was there but still clung to the way she was raised. In reading this thread, I can see that we all have different ideas about how to live in our home. A lot of it is a matter of tradition. My mother in law was raised in share croppers cabins which sometimes had dirt floors. She talked of sweeping those floors and trying to keep them clean. She was always an obsessive cleaner by my standards; washing her walls and ceilings and keeping her furniture swathed in various blankets, towels,etc. My house must have seemed filthy to her although she never said anything.

I use comforters and, esp in guest room, nothing I'd mind people putting luggage or anything else on. Function first.

We were taught though that each room should have a chair in it so you didn't regularly sit on the edge of the bed to put shoes on or whatever as it will cause the mattress to sag....not that we ever listened.

Perhaps a solution would be a scaldino or bed runner

18th · More Info

From STL beds of things to never do to your mattress:

1. Stand, Jump or yes even sit on your mattress. Mattresses have many layers of padding that make them comfortable. These layers rest on steel coil springs. We realize most adults don’t stand or jump on their mattress but often their kids do and nearly everyone sits in bed or sits on the edge of their bed. This will force the layers into the springs and will damage the mattress and shorten its life.

Frankly, my bed is high enough now that sitting on the edge to get dressed isn't even comfortable, so I typically use the chair.

I have a chair in my bedroom. It's covered with "other stuff". Bad habit of mine. My bed is also so high that sitting on it requires putting your heels on the wood board that goes around it.

I spent a lot of time reading and studying and doing homework on my bed in hs and college... I always had a desk in my room/s but for me the bed was the most comfortable! all my kids spent a lot of time reading on their beds and my youngest did a lot of his homework there too... so, I can relate to your dil!

maybe your dil wasn't sure she would finish her taxes in one sitting and wanted to be able to leave her things spread out til she got to them again... she probably spent much of her time working in bed when she was younger and probably didn't give a 2nd thought to using the guest room bed figuring it was out of the way...

laundry and dry cleaning have come a long way since the 20, 30, and 40's, thank goodness!!

Does your DIL have a comfortable "proper" place to sit in the bedroom she is using? Perhaps adding a desk in her room would allow her to do such things without having to wander elsewhere to do them. Though I do find it odd that since she decided to set on a bed, that she didn't chose to set on the bed she was using to sleep on.

vedazu,

Interesting thread.

While in elementary school, I was invited to the home of a girlfriend and was promptly chastised (by gf) for sitting on the bedspread. Seems her mother had a rule prohibiting such. I can recall this event vividly decades later.

I won't surmise the backstory of the rule. It just didn't make me feel good, or welcome at the time.

Regarding the tax prep work. Is it possible she was simply seeking a more private space for the activity? I certainly wouldn't work on a private project in the public rooms of my MIL's home. FWIW.

~bgj

Justgotabeme: Yes, she has quite a spacious bedroom, queen size bed, desk, large dresser, walk in closet, blanket chest, end tables.....

The point was really, about sitting on the bedspread and, now that I've read so many comments, we need a new topic: For those who have no house rules, How Long Do You Expect Your "Stuff" to Last? One year, Five Years, Ten Years? Twenty Years?

Vedazu's "stuff" timeline:

Wood furniture of good quality: Lifetime It may move around the house, but it is functional forever.

Upholstered Furniture: 10 to 15 years, and then re-upholstered again. total 30 years. Then re-upholstered again but relegated to another room/house/kid.

Sheets: 20 years

Bedspreads, coverlets: Depending on the room 10 to 15 years

Hand-knotted carpets: forever

Painted walls: 15 to 20 years

Towels: 20 years

Oh my goodness--regarding that timeline, don't you wash your bedding and towels?!?!? I can't imagine expecting sheets and towels to last 20 years. Sorry, the mental image of sleeping on decades old sheets and using towels that old is gross to me.

Vedazu, I think your timeline question is an interesting one. Id add in wall to wall, and post it on the "big girl" side. I was thinking about this the other day. My towels are from our first house and now 18yrs old. I think they are done.

runninginplace: I'm laughing! I never would have thought 20 years for towels and sheets--but I suppose it depends, on the contrary, how many sets you have and washing them more frequently rather than less. I know I have good cotton sheets I'm till using that I bought in Portugal--swear to God--in 1976. Not used as often as some others, but they're still cycling through the house from time to time. I also have good Neiman Marcus sheets that at least are 20 years old--good percale--not quite so perky as when they were new, but rotated and used regularly. But I spray starch and iron my sheets, too...maybe that helps. Towels--those that are older are starting to show their age, but perfectly functional if not the ones you hang when you're trying to sell your house!

I can't even get wood floors to last 10 years.
Dogs - whatyagonnado...

lol... I have lots of towels and sheets that are older than 20 even 30yrs!! ...I have a problem throwing things away! but, I don't use them anymore- they just get ratty looking after being used/washed so much- but they make great paint drop cloths and dog rags! I also used to put older sheets and towels in the basement closet for sleepovers along with a huge mass of sleeping bags and old comforters and blankets! I don't donate old sheets and towels (tho i would to animal shelters if I didn't use them so much!)...

I learned long ago not to have house rules I couldn't/wouldn't enforce... mostly things that would cause real damage or likely injury! I didn't mind food out of the kitchen, but tried to enforce the water only in the family room! ugh, I do remember when one child spilled a large glass of chocolate milk on a basement rug!!

I agree with mag that the dogs have done more damage to my floors than kids---wood and carpet/rug both! I do not allow them on the furniture or the beds partly for that reason... that is one rule I have enforced!! they're really good about following the rules I have for them!!

vedazu wrote:

"Justgotabeme: Yes, she has quite a spacious bedroom, queen size bed, desk, large dresser, walk in closet, blanket chest, end tables....."

I am totally confused why she felt the need to go to another room and sit on a bed to do her taxes.
As for linens lasting a long time, if they are of a certain quality and are properly taken care of, they should last decades.
We have bath towels we got for our wedding that are 35 years old that we still use.

Of course we sit or lay on any of our beds. That is why I make up the bed to make the room look nice and keep the sheets clean. I also put the pillow into the pillow sham for the daytime. I always wash the bedding as needed. I also have chairs in the bedrooms that are large enough, but if I wanted to sit , nap, or what ever on top of the quilt or comforter I would. My towels in the bath on the towel bar are the ones we use also. I have never understood why you would hang a towel you wouldn't touch and use what I consider rags for a towel! When the towels start to get ratty, I replace them and move the old ones to the dry the dog, car, ect., bin.

I've been trying to think if my, rather persnickety, grandmother (born in 1905) ever told us not to sit on her bedspreads. I think the answer is no. We learned not to sit on anything if we were really dirty though. Get cleaned up!

The timeline thing is interesting. I would expect bedspreads/coverlets to last much longer than sheets - even if you sit on them. Antique coverlets are common. Sheets not so much.

rosestink: I suppose it is about how we want things to look--bedspreads would, technically, last longer, but we want them to look fresh and new because they are decorative. Not that I do, but one could actually patch a sheet and still use it......all right, bad example! But the point being, that a sheet set that is getting a little thin could still be used and no one (including the kids) are the wiser.

The kswl timeline: It lasts as long as it lasts

I've been very surprised that our paint finishes are just fine--- some from 9 and a half years ago and some from twelve years (the latter were colors the PO had that I liked). I've not been surprised that our wallpapered rooms look great after nine+ years.

In my home office I have a pine cabinet from IKEA that my brother bought for me as a birthday gift when we moved to NYC in the 1980s....it still looks charming and in good condition, though not heavily used.

Our furniture has had scratches and bumps and bruises.....some of it has been sent out to be professionally polished or refinished and looks new. Other pieces aren't ready for that level of intervention and get an occasional touch up with a wood tint paint pen (highly recommend these, I have about six in every wood tone imaginable).

Although we do have some furniture that is over 200 years old, I would grow tired of seeing the same bedspread for over 5-7 years?

We do sit and nap on our bedspreads. Growing up I had a chenille spread, often woke up with indentions on my face from the fluff.

ML

In thinking about this, the rule made sense when many people had delicate, hand made, hand-embroidered, lacy, or crocheted trousseau linens, and no easy way to wash them.

maddielee: I've got a very nice quilt that has been on my bed for 10 years..ivory. In very good condition....as I re-decorate that room, probably in the next year, I'll move the quilt to another bedroom that could use it. I really just meant how long do you expect things to function, not necessarily that they have to stay in the same place indefinitely.

"Oh my goodness--regarding that timeline, don't you wash your bedding and towels?!?!? I can't imagine expecting sheets and towels to last 20 years. Sorry, the mental image of sleeping on decades old sheets and using towels that old is gross to me."

Actually, good quality bedding can last far longer than 20 years. Obviously, one would wash bedding weekly at a minimum. Even washing more often, you could expect flax linen to last a minimum of 100 years and still be in decent condition. Antique linen sheets are quite popular. I expect to be able to leave my good sheets to my DIL and I am pretty sure she will like that. Cotton/ polyester sheets...not so much. My 100% cotton are lasting, too, but I haven't been using them as much lately since I have linen sheets for all the beds now. You should probably be more concerned about your pillows and mattress! :-)

I do sit on the comforter clothed. I would not sit on it naked, however. ; )

I cringe to think an unsuspecting guest will arrive and place their suitcase on your beloved bed! I agree the rule for not sitting on the bedspread is left over from hotels where it is common knowledge they are not cleaned and who knows what went on, on them! I am in the camp if an item is to be treated like it belongs in a museum, then that is where it should be. In my home all items are welcome to be touched, used, live with. My sister's in law and I had the sad but needed job of having an estate sale on my deceased in-laws property. Selling the sheets was never considered. Imagining her putting her sheets on a list of who inherits what was even less likely. This is fascinating hearing how other people live. I have a vision of naked people running upstairs! The ease of house cleaning and the increase in people's discretionary spending money has changed much, no doubt. I have to say I do not mind that my bedding wears out. I like to change things up I guess. Presently I am trying to get up the energy to strip the wall paper off the bedroom walls. If they all ever matched I would have LOVED for the previous owners to have taken the paper with the quilt and curtains!!

Our sheets and towels last for years and years. I would rather buy good quality and have it last for years than buy poor quality and have it fall apart after 5 years. Besides well-washed and well-used sheets and towels get more and more comfortable the older they get.

I solve the bedspread problem by not going to that much fuss and bother. I don't lie on the bed but on the very odd occasion DH will have a nap and lies right on top of the comforter with a blanket pulled over him. He doesn't have his shoes on, his clothes are clean and he's had a shower in the morning. What's to worry about? I think violetwest had a good point by mentioning "...the rule made sense when many people had delicate, hand made,
hand-embroidered, lacy, or crocheted trousseau linens, and no easy way
to wash them."

And my kids, as was mentioned up thread, they too conduct their lives from their beds.

MtnRdRedux - I'm with you on the food rules. Food only in the kitchen and kitchen table and you eat sitting down with a plate and utensils. I actually had to teach my DH not to eat straight out of containers standing in the kitchen. It just isn't healthy to eat like that.

arcy_gw: The ease of house cleaning the the increase in people's discretionary spending.....

Well, I don't know that that is true. And it has a certain "Gatsby" feel to it...if you can afford to buy it you can afford to abuse it and buy another. Lots of people--most people-- can only manage to get something once, for a long while. We all probably talk out of two sides of our mouths....interested in the environment, in recycling, but perhaps forget that maintaining what we have is also environmentally sound. I don't think it has anything to do with maintaining a museum; rather, just being careful with those things we are lucky to have. Perhaps I'm escalating too much, but I pose a general question: What do you (plural) feel you care about enough to tell the kids not to beat the bejesus out of it? Your furniture, your car? What's the limit? (I suspect it is the car....most people care a lot about their cars.....and little Jimmy jumping on the hood with his friends would probably rate a demerit.)

I think we tried to teach the kids to respect possessions, regardless of who they belonged to. Not to be too hard-a$$ed about it - but it's MY house and MY furniture not theirs. They were never told that or brought up believing that but they were taught to respect those possessions. I don't treat them poorly, I take care of them and I expected the same from my kids.

My kids never had a curfew, we were never put into the position of having to enforce one but they did have guidelines to follow. But, when they started to drive - they still didn't have a curfew but the car did. I actually care more about the house than I do the car and our cars have been camping on the most rugged of territories and that's by the kids. Deliver it back to me cleaned up and full of gas and I'm good.

I guess we were lucky, as our children did not attempt to beat or destroy our furniture. ?? If they had shown signs of wanting to do it I would have put a stop to it, obviously.

With respect to the car, funny story: DH bought a Honda Civic for himself sometime in the late 1998. One day he found our 8-year-old DS2 using that car as a tennis backboard. The car had tiny little tennis ball dents, literally, all over it. DH was extremely irritated, and we made DS2 wash the car as his immediate punishment. However, the real punishment came later. We are people who keep cars until they beg for mercy. Nine years later, DS2 gets his driver's license. DH buys a new car and DS2 gets to drive an old black Honda Civic with dents all over it.

Adding, all his friends drove uber expensive cars like Lexii, Mercedes, BMWs, etc. That never bothered DS2, he had no car envy (none of us does) but he was a bit self-conscious at driving a date to the winter formal in his battered car.

egads... does anyone 'let' their kids destroy their things?? we did have a recliner broken once in the basement during a sleepover when some kids were tackling each other on it... oh well... my kids weren't destructive alone, but during sleepovers when there was a larger group of kids, some got carried away. I and I don't think my kid/s knew about it when it happened, but I imagine the kid/s that broke it did... I was disappointed the child/ren didn't come to me and let me know, but it also was a basement furnished with kids in mind and things happen...

kswl-- lol--- that's what one of our garage doors looked like and I did put a stop to hitting the tennis ball against the garage when I noticed the dents!

we always let our kids drive one of the older cars when they got their permits/license--- cannot imagine buying a teen a brand new car!!! we hold onto cars a long time and I don't worry about them after the 1st scratch or 2!! I actually like it when the car is no longer new because then an inevitable ding in a parking lot, etc doesn't irritate me so much! i want to be able to enjoy and use my cars as well as my house without getting stressed out... i try to get quality items that will hold up to lots of use... i hate to see that 1st ding in my car, the 1st scratches on my wood floors, the 1st cat scratch on my leather sofa, etc, but it also relaxes me a bit! and, to be honest, my hub has broken more dishes/glasses than the rest of us combined in our family... I'm very selective about using the good stuff and insist that i be the one who washes it!! colored sheets and towels have been damaged by both guests and my kids because of face products... oh well... they were added to the basement closet or kept in the kids room/bathrooms for continued use-- they didn't mind! (i found over the years that certain towels and jersey sheets maintain their color very well!

Up until last year, my sons who are in their mid-20's, shared our, what was then a 21 year old Taurus Wagon. It wasn't reliable enough for those long distance camping trips but for around the city and short trips it worked. They both bought their own cars last year, used Subarus, and we donated the car to a Charity.

Vedazu, one thing that I appreciate in this thread is that it is obvious that your standards and expectations are different than many others but you are able to convey this in a manner which has led to an interesting conversation but has not shown condemnation or judgment on your part of others practices.

What I can say in our household is that it not only comes down discretionary spending or ease of housekeeping but as alluded to above, choosing one's battles or establishing priorities. Some things I harp on, somethings I may not. If a kid is climbing on my bed, I may instruct them not to in the clothes they wore outside but I let them choose for themselves on their beds.

On the question of how long do sheets last, I remember when I was younger reading a book on housekeeping (as that was not a dominant part of my upbringing). The author mentioned rotating sheet sets so that they would wear evenly. I had 2 favorite sets and 1 that was less favored but I rotated between the 3. Sure enough, after about 8-9 years, they all wore out within a couple of months of each other, all in the same spot (just about where my heels strike, no idea why that spot wore out though). I am not so sure whether it is worth rotating so consistently in the future.

Tish: Thanks for your kind words. Actually, I am sometimes too frank for my own good, but this is such a nice forum--I'd rather not spoil it for everyone! As others have said, "its only stuff." Regarding the sheets: I don't think I've every worn through a sheet. Flannel Pajamas, that's another story. I woke up one morning feeling rather cold on my back--I'd worn right through the fabric and the back split entirely. I like when they are well worn in--but that's ridiculous!

Haha vedazu - I've worn through lots of sheets & pillowcases for the same reason. I love how 100% cotton gets softer with use.

As to the OT, I have 100% cotton bed & pillow covers & launder them weekly, but I still hate for anyone to put their shoes & street clothes on them. I'm a bit paranoid about things like fleas & bedbugs. I'll sit on top of the bedspread, but only in 'house' clothes & clean feet or socks. I prefer to bathe @ night & try to keep the linens clean & sand/crumb free.

Unfortunately, we have a long-haired white cat who blesses us w/ loads of shed, almost invisible fur & thinks a pillow makes a grand bed (when she can get away w/it). I keep sticky rollers handy & go over the pillowcases, etc. often - there's nothing like waking up w/ cat hair in your mouth & eyelashes!

I enjoyed reading about a quarter of the responses but am unable to read all, so apologies if this has already been mentioned. I have no problem with anyone sitting on our beds. What does get my attention (not in a good way), however, is when I see someone (usually DH) put a piece of luggage on the bed. I don't know why but it really irks me. Maybe I see it as similar to putting ones feet up on the bed wearing shoes? That's unacceptable to me.

The last two posts reminded me of the House Hunter shows, where a potential buyer feels free to get comfy with his feet up on the homeowner's bed (or in the bathtub). Now, that would bug me--I don't want strangers sitting on my bedspreads, with or without their shoes.

I have bed scarves/runners for guests who like to read in bed and want to keep shoes on. DH refuses to ever take his shoes off in our home (or probably any other). I have washable duvet covers. Where else would you nap or rest? And yes, we have luggage racks in each closet for guests to use for their luggage. Got them online at restaurant supply store We recently bought a winter vacation home and welcome our guests to share.

I personally love old towels because they get soft and lighter weight and they become easier to handle when they are lightweight. But that's a personal shtick of mine. I have nice towels for everyone else. Except in our beach house. We just have tons of cheaper towels, from Target, etc. When dd's friends, all have long hair, go back and forth to the beach, sit on the sand, shower maybe twice a day, Too much laundry. Nobody cares at the beach house.