I would just like to add that I know a couple who had a situation very much like this one. And no, it's not me - just people that I know. Woman #2, who attempted to seduce Woman #1's husband, came crawling back to Woman #1, begging her forgiveness. The women reconciled and the group became a foursome once again. Lo and behold, after only a short time, Woman #2 attempted it again with Woman #1's husband. Being betrayed by a friend is bad enough. Having it happen twice is a pain that's really, really hard to get over.

I'd tell her that I was aware of her past antics. My guess is that she won't be as friendly to you after that when she sees you out and about.

I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her. She's a player and a user.

What does your husband say? It's one thing for him to play golf with Jim but something else entirely for the four of you to socialize. I would think he would feel just as uncomfortable as you to be around her.

I hope for her and her husband's sake she has changed, but I can't help but think, if you were to socialize as couples, you and your DH would always be on edge and "vigilant" in her presence. It won't be an enjoyable or relaxing time. May be best for DH and Jim to just be golf buddies and leave it at that.

People can and do change. IMO, saying something along the lines of "once a cheater, always a cheater" is a mistake, because it's not always true and we can't paint everyone with one broad brush stroke like that. However, it's up to us as to what we allow into our lives, and just because someone has changed in no way means that we are obligated to take up with them again. Sometimes those ships have just sailed, ya know?

Seems like the relationship is permanently poisoned. I would ask myself whether there will ever be a time when the memory of this will fade away, when I could feel comfortable around her & if I could deal w/ the reminder every time I saw this person. Obviously cutting her entirely would be a childish move; being polite, but not going out of your way to socialise seems reasonable to me.

i would continue to be friendly to her when i ran into her... i personally don't get how people can choose to have affairs behind their spouse's backs,regardless of who that person is, but plenty of people do! however, i do understand being attracted to people tho, even friend's spouses- i think that's being human!!

your friend was unhappy in her marriage before... and it sounds like she is happy now. i would assume that if she is happy, she won't be looking elsewhere...

i would also assume(maybe wrongly) that they, as a couple, have talked an awful lot since they have chosen to stay together and there are no secrets- esp if they went to counseling... i would doubt that your husband and the other husband are the only men that this woman flirted with or even came on to... her husband has chosen to stay with her. your husband has chosen to stay close friends with him. it is hard to say if i would want to continue being in a couple's relationship with them since i've never been in that position... i think i might want to cut ties with the couple, but since your husband remains close, i would probably go with the flow! (do you really like her otherwise??)

(Sigh!) I'm so glad that you all think I'm doing the right thing by not allowing her back into our lives. Yes, I did want to smack her silly when I first found out what she'd tried with my DH, but by that time, she'd left Jim and he was devastated. He needed DH's friendship and counsel badly just then, and I thought calling her out on it would get back to Jim and affect his friendship with DH, just when he needed that the most.

Mimou, that quote from Maya Angelou is perfect!! "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." Thank you for that one! Yes, you all are right, Sue could definitely fall back into her old ways. I do know now that Jim was a crummy husband back then, although he wasn't having any affairs or abusing her in any way. More like working all the time and being an inattentive and grouchy husband when he was home. That must be the real source of my initial dilemma. But, as Lisa so wisely asked me, "In your case, I'd ask myself what this rekindled friendship would really bring to my life? How would I benefit from it?" And that is the ultimate question, I guess. Sue would benefit. Jim would benefit, but DH and I would always have that knowledge and doubt, like the proverbial 'elephant in the room'. Does she still have feelings for my DH? Would she try anything like that again if their marriage takes a bad turn?

Complete forgiveness means no ill will between you all. I agree she should know all you know. I also want to understand what she brings to you and her being friends? Are you missing her? If she can face you after she knows you know it all.. girl lunches and guy golf games seems like a way to move forward. Maybe in time you won't need opinions you will know what you want and make that happen.

I would find it hard to be around either of them, but if the guys are good golf buddies then so be it. But even though you have forgiven her, it's hard to unring that bell isn't it? I don't know why she would think your DH would keep it a secret, so it seems she would be uncomfortable herself. I would steer clear of any social relationship beyond a large group scenario where many others might be present and it would be unavoidable to run into them. I agree with others who have said it would be too stressful and uncomfortable for you.

And please forgive me for using the phrase : "stealing my husband". No one can steal someone's husband, because it does take two willing people. It's just that I thought that "My So-called good friend tried to have an affair with my husband" was too long for the thread title.

I totally agree with the above notion of moving on and forgiving but not engaging as 2 couples socializing, you could be setting yourself up for being on edge whenever infidelity would be discussed or whatever other subject pertaining to mariage, awkward moments could abound and you don't need that kind of stress.

I don't care if the woman was on her deathbed from being beaten up by her husband, what she did to you was just awful. NO EXCUSE. The thing is, she already broke up one marriage, then tried to break up your's. She may be happy now but the woman has no morals.

Never would I associate with her again unless I happened to see her out and about. And even then I'd turn my back on her and walk away. IMO, she needs to know that you know what she did to you.

Yes, people do change, I've witnessed it myself, but she did something despicable to you and you are her victim, and that's different.

I'm pretty sure down deep she either wonders if you know, or thinks that you know what she did. Giving her the time of day is telling her it's okay. She needs to suffer the consequences of her actions from the people she hurt. How else will she learn her lesson when she and her husband have another falling out?

I'm big on forgiveness, but I don't know if I could forgive something like this.

I don't believe that people really change after a certain age. Her "changing" is probably more because her marriage appears to have been repaired. My guess is, though, that if it goes sour again, which it is sure to as all marriages go through such times, she'll revert back to her old behavior. Responding to marriage troubles by flirting with other men or women, and esp. with the husbands of friends, is not appropriate under any circumstances, and it sounds to me like her ego was bruised and she was feeling rejected and went looking for assurances - to your husband and others - that she was still desirable.

I would not at all count on that having changed. That is a deeply ingrained personality thing, IMO.

That kind of behavior absolutely changes other people's views of you, permanently. How can it not? And she was stupid to take that kind of risk. Well, she did, and so many suffered for it.

I would think your husband would not wish to be around her. can't imagine why you would be. So I think MizGG is right: let the husbands keep their golf game and move on elsewhere.

Ultimately, it's a simple question, Linen: Do you actually like this woman and want to hang out with her?

Using the word forgive in these circumstances, just makes my blood boil. In a case of a betrayal such as this, I don't think you get over it, you just get on with it.

Hats off to your DH for continuing the friendship. I couldn't and wouldn't. But, this is your DH's friendship and decision. Your end of the equation is your friendship with these two as a couple or your individual friendship with your friend.

I think you know in your heart what you can handle.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. I think your feelings are very valid. Let the husbands have their friendship, be polite, but steer clear of her.

She isn't much of a friend if she told your husband she was interested in hooking up with him. I would just leave well enough alone and keep her a safe distance from my husband. I would also think that your husband wouldn't feel very comfortable around her and even if you know for sure he's not going to cheat, I still wouldn't expose your marriage to the possibility of this happening again. It's just uncomfortable!

I don't even know her and I don't want to be friends with her. It's not something she did once, but twice with your husband and who knows how many times with the other husband before she was "successful"? Yes, people make mistakes. And you've been more than gracious to preserve her husband's feelings and also preserve some of her dignity with him and as well ,as I'm guessing from what we know of you, that you didn't go around spreading this gossip with friends either. Your behavior thus far is exemplary and more than she "deserves", but behavior that will serve your conscience in good stead.

Some form of chemistry is almost inevitable among couples who spend time together or, really, in my opinion, almost among any mixed gender groups who share time together and like one another. But as grownups, we know not to act on that. It's a matter of control. It's a matter of a line you just don't cross. It's a question of values. I think the best reason not to be close friends is that I don't think she shares your values, so even without this nasty history, I don't think she makes a good match for you.

"....and for that reason, she's out."

I agree with your mom and TurquoiseRose. It's good to forgive but I don't think I could forget or bring myself to trust that person again, and that doesn't seem like the makings of a good friendship. I'm also too busy to spend the little amount of free time I have with people I can't trust.

I know that if it was me I would never be able to see this woman without thinking about what she had tried.

I also know that only 2 people know for sure how a marriage is working.

Like others have said, you can be civil to her if you run into her by chance but there is no need to be more then polite.

No Christmas Card for her! :)

She may have played the roll Lynn, but in reality she was really never your friend. A true friend would have never crossed the lines she crossed; having a troubled marriage is still no excuse for what she did. She showed a complete disregard for you, your husband and your marriage and ultimately, those are her true colors. In all the years that you've participated in the forum you've always been the kindest of people, so it doesn't surprise me that you're able to reason things out and forgive but I would just leave it at that. I actually think she is very fortunate that you and your husband had the grace to handle the circumstances in the way you did. Not everyone can manage that. Forgiving is one thing but I would not associate with her at all.

So many others said it well.. you can forgive an "act" if you choose (and I would ONLY do so if it relieves you of a burden) but you certainly don't need to bring someone into your life who doesn't share or respect your values.

It wasn't a bad choice.. or an unthinking comment.. it was a base behavior that spit in the face of the love, trust, respect you embody. You deserve better in the people around you.

I haven't read the above comments but my immediate thought is that there is no way I would want to be friends with her. It's just icky on so many levels.

Lynn, I would like to add my voice to that of the others who have said in various ways that you are one class act. You really are. :-)

Heck no! Stay away from her. Everyone here is right on with their words of advice. We choose our friends who share our values and interests; she's not your type.

There will always be "Sue's" but we don't have to be friends with them. That would be odd and looking for aggravation. Your husband sounds like such a kind honest man. I have one of those as well. I don't get worked up over the Sue's though. I would only get worked up if husband responded to them ... he is the one who made vows to me, not Sue.

"although I have forgiven Sue in my heart, as she was I know, desperately unhappy with Jim then, would you let bygones be bygones and take up your friendship again, but with a happier couple now?"

hell, no. She is probably just chasing after someone else's husband now, since she couldn't get yours.

I would just continue to handle things as you are. The husbands continue their friendship and you are civil to her when you see her out. No need to go any further. I personally would not say or do anything against her, just carry on as you are and be the bigger person. She knows what she has done.

I'd never have a damn thing to do with her again! Don't make excuses for her behavior. What a horrible betrayal of a friend.

Is this a trick question?

Of course I wouldn't let her back into my life again.

Leopards don't change their spots.

Forgive her to your heart's content......at a comfortable distance.

"let bygones be bygones and take up your friendship again, but with a happier couple now?"

Absolutely not. I agree with the men playing golf (if that's what DH wants,) and you being cordial at the store. Nothing else.

Sue is probably well aware that she ruined her friendship with you. She is being polite & friendly with you for the same reason you are being polite & friendly with her -- to keep things civil. That she & Jim don't invite you over anymore is telling. I wouldn't worry about it anymore. She's history. You have more rewarding friendships to pursue now.

Sounds like your DH thoroughly enjoys his long time golf friendship with Jim. If Sue couldn't split that up, nothing will. Let DH have his golf buddy, but don't feel obligated to make it a foursome anymore.

Ugh, NO! Just NO! My close friend's best friend since high school (we're talking age 60+ here) decided she liked my close friend's husband better than her own husband of 30 years. I cannot bear to even look at the so-called BF anymore.

Here is the video:

Oprah's Lifeclass:

When People Show You Who They Are, Believe Them

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/When-People-Show-You-Who-They-Are-Believe-Them-Video#ixzz3zpQtadlT

She was never your friend, not if she had the nerve to do what she did. Move past her and don't look back. All the ladies above are right.

My DH's parents went through a similar thing (years ago when he was growing up). For years they socialized with their best friends, another married couple, turned out his father and the wife of the other couple were having an affair during a lot of it and came clean when they decided they wanted to be more than an affair and leave their marriages. Two long term marriages broke up, and the relationship only lasted another 6 months before the new couple decided they weren't working out either.

It does make a lot of sense that this type of situation would be likely to lead to an affair under some circumstances. I don't think sue can be trusted though as others have said, she is the type to cheat when her own marriage is not going well and you could never even trust her enough to leave the room at the same time as your husband.

There is a lot of wisdom here.... I agree she wasn't a true friend to begin with. Love the Maya quote. Interesting comment she made on the video that those of us who "don't trust life" tend not to believe people when they tell us who they are.

Thank you all again for taking the time to read through my initial post and give me advice. I've read through each of them several times. Not a one advising me to renew our friendship. Good! Some of you had asked how DH felt about it. He'd told me several times that he was more than fine just golfing with Jim, but that if I missed Sue's friendship we could see them on a limited basis now and then. To tell you the truth, I forget about her until we run into each other. But, then, after she acts so friendly and sweet, that's when I start having second thoughts.

You all have thoroughly convinced me here that, yes, I am doing the right thing by not picking back up our friendship. The doubts and distrust would always be there, as I said earlier, like the proverbial elephant in the room. It would benefit Sue if I did. It would benefit Jim if I did, but I realize now that it would not benefit DH or me. So, thank you very, very much for helping me lose the guilt and feel good about the rest of my life without Sue in it!

For'give'ness should always be given. Forgetting, never! I have 'lived' this situation as well.

I am curious how Jim views the breakdown of the social life the four of you once had or if he is just as happy to still have his golf buddy. Poor guy to be betrayed by both his wife and his friend. I agree she doesn't deserve your friendship ever again.

Thank you, Radar. I really don't know what he thinks of it, but I do wonder that, too. If he's talked to DH about it, I know my husband did not mention to him that Sue came on to him, as well. Perhaps, after they got back together, they were hoping that we would call and arrange to do something together again. When we didn't, because (1) I was very angry still at Sue for trying to have an affair or whatever with my husband and (2) because we were both very upset and, yes, angry at how Sue helped destroy our mutual friends' marriage they most likely thought that it was because of the latter reason. Thankfully, though, it hasn't ruined DH and Jim's longtime golf games together. But, from what I've been told, the talk during golf and after in the clubhouse is pretty much just about everything golf related.

I believe people change but I believe it takes a significant life event to promote that type of change. Perhaps Sue has changed. What would I do? DH and I enjoyed the friendship of a nice couple for a few years. I considered them casual friends. The wife tried to seduce my husband. He was horrified. I forgave her because she was just a casual friend and I never counted on her loyalty.

If I had a close friend who I counted on to always have my back and they betrayed me then I would end the friendship. I would most likely forgive them, but they would be out of my life.

http://allaboutfrogs.org/stories/scorpion.html

When I was very young ( feels like a lifetime ago!) I was married and a very close friend lived across the street. XDH and her had an affair. We divorced and they married and are still married to this day. Good thing, because they deserve each other and I really didn't need to have either one of them in my life.

I think cheaters are people of low character and I wouldn't have someone like that as a friend, even if their deception had nothing to do with me. Yes, I do think people can change their behavior but a person's intrinsic character does not.

MagdalenaLee - I could have written the same thing, but the woman (women? probably) didn't live across the street.

To whomever he wound up married to- you can have him. There's no part of me that's jealous or longing or feels hurt anymore.

I know who he is.

That's so sad, Magdalena and Mimi! Yes, I agree, cheaters deserve each other.

Lucille, cool story; great lesson there, as well. Thanks!

Wow, what a surprise to see my post from so long ago! Whatever the spam was, thanks Eld for flagging it!