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Can you please give me some feedback on this story? : )

9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago

I'm still trying to get my 'read inside' section on Amazon.com to add one more page to the free section. (Maybe by tomorrow!)

Meanwhile, if you're interested, here's the complete version of the first short story. The rest of the book is available online, but I wanted to get some feedback from all of you. I hope you like it. It's based on my great-great grandparents and the romance they shared in the 1870s.

Getting your feedback will really help me on my next book. I'm starting one on Clara's parents and how they met in Scotland in the 1850s. In real life, my great-great-great grandmother was my idol. I grew up with stories about her and I always saw her as Maureen O'Hara and Katherine Hepburn, rolled into one woman. One example, she evaded paying duty on her linen tablecloths, when she disembarked the ship, by basting them on one edge and wearing them off the boat as petticoats. She didn't believe she should pay tax on her own possessions...and clothing was not taxed.

I digress, but thank you in advance, for taking the time to read this story. Clara is a strong character and I really like her. She is based on my great-great grandmother, who never let being deaf stop her from doing what she wanted to do. We have a lot of strong women, in our family tree : )

The Classroom

As Henry walked around the classroom, he quickly put things to
rights. He liked everything to be in order. All things put in their
proper place. He detested chaos, since his life was chaotic on all but
the very best days.

It wasn’t easy being deaf. In the 1870s there were no interpreters
to communicate one’s feelings to the public. And most people didn’t
understand sign language. So writing was the only way to let others
know what he needed. Let alone, what he dreamed.

She would be coming to his classroom this afternoon. He tried to
think about something, anything else. But all he could see was her
lovely blonde hair all braided up around her head. He longed to run his
fingers through those braids. Thought of it often, too often, lately.

But that was no good. She was still a student. And he was a teacher
at the School for the Deaf. The very thought of those braids was
inappropriate. He reminded himself yet again, how inappropriate this
would be. Not only was she a student, who was graduating in a month,
but she was also the daughter of a very influential mayor of a nearby
city.

And he was from a poor farm family. The fact that he had this
opportunity was for the grace of a nearby wealthy neighbor, who thought
him a very bright child and had paid for his education. She had been
his salvation or so he thought. The chance to find books, learn to
communicate with others like himself. Yet, now that he’d been teaching
these seven long years, all he could think about (besides those braids)
was that he missed the farm. The times when no one had wanted him to
settle petty disputes or grade papers. The lovely way the sun rose over
the hills in the morning or the brilliant colors as it sank in the
evening. And his horses. How he longed to have his own horse, again.

He continued checking that everything was put away for the weekend.
After this final class, he would be done for two days. Able to read
what he liked and thank goodness, no papers to grade this weekend. He
was so involved in his thoughts that he jumped when he felt the soft
touch on his shoulder.

There she was, lovely golden braids and all. God, he would love to
see her with her hair down. But he pushed all such thoughts out of his
head and smiled, waiting for her to sign why she was there.

Clara caught her breath and smiled at the man before her. He was a
teacher, very well-respected at the school. He taught mainly the boys,
but she had been in his science lab and remembered how he would run his
hand through his hair, when he explained the amazing wonders of the
universe. He would forget and stop signing, then catch himself and go
back to his lecture.

As she looked at him this afternoon, she saw yet again those intense
blue eyes. Eyes she felt she could drown in. But she stood tall and
signed to him that she would like to ask him a question. “I am supposed
to be helping a few of the younger girls with their studies and usually
come with them to the afternoon class. Today, I am leaving early to
travel home for the weekend. May I have their homework assignment, so I
can leave notes for them?”

Henry nodded and walked over to his desk, by the blackboard. He
pulled out his notes and wrote down a few questions. This was the gist
of the lecture and he knew she would have no trouble with the topic. She
had done well in the class he’d taught two years ago. Back then,
the braids had hung down past her shoulders. He had merely thought her a
pretty girl, but was more focused on her quick intellect. Over the
past few months, he had been watching her with the two younger girls.
She was so good with them. So patient. And so beautiful.

He smoothed down the sides of his jacket and took the notes over to
her. “Are you looking forward to seeing your family?” he signed.

Clara was surprised by the question, since Mr. Graves was known for
rarely getting involved in personal issues or even asking about what
went on outside the school.

She smiled and replied, “Yes, I am happy to be going home for a few days and to be able to spend time with my sisters.”

Suddenly, not sure if she was pressing her luck, she signed another
question. “Do you think I should go home after graduating next month…or
possibly take a permanent position helping the younger girls?” There
was a chance that she might be asked back as a teacher for the 8-10 year
old students.

Henry tried not to smile. Looking as serious as he could, he sat
back down at his desk and asked her, “What do you want to do?” He
caught himself tapping his foot, ever so softly. Calm down, he
thought. Don’t scare her off.

Clara smiled and replied, “I enjoy the girls very much, but I am not
sure my family would support the idea.” Suddenly, she found herself
going too far. Maybe she just needed to confide in someone, but she
added, “My family wants me to come home and get married.”

Henry looked down at his desk. Clara saw him run his hand through
his hair, then slowly look up. “Of course,” he signed, “whatever you
think best.”

As he turned to get up, Clara touched his arm. Henry turned back and
she signed, “I want to get married for love. Not because some clerk
wants to marry into my family’s business. My father is rich and has a
lot of pull in our community. I don’t want to be married off as some
prize, but I do want a husband and children. Is that so wrong for
someone like me?”

Catching herself, she blushed and ran out of the room. Henry looked
after her for some time. Maybe for the first time realizing there was a
lot more to this young woman than beautiful blonde braids and a quick
wit.

Read the next story in To Share A Dream With You, now available on Amazon.com and Kindle Unlimited.

https://read.amazon.com/kp/embed?asin=B01IKAD008&asin=B01IKAD008&preview=newtab&linkCode=kpe&ref_=cm_sw_r_kb_dp_RPMIxb5ND1HM9

Comments (11)

  • 9 years ago

    Lavender, you are a lovely person and this is a beautiful story. That being said, I think it would benefit from the input of a professional editor. I'm extra sensitive because I'm dyslexic and reading isn't always easy, but the sentence structure struggled and slowed down the story line. Try doing an edit from a third party point of view.

    Please don't take this personally. I'm not a writer, it was just what I experienced reading the story in your post.

    Lavender Lass thanked 1929Spanish-GW
  • 9 years ago

    Spanish- I appreciate your input! Thank you : )


  • 9 years ago

    I was immediately drawn in and enjoyed it very much!!

    Lavender Lass thanked llitm
  • 9 years ago

    Dsg- Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

  • 9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Darcy- Thank you. Great cover!

    You have a very good grasp of the different styles of writing and I appreciate your expertise : )

  • 9 years ago

    I almost suggested that you try your hand at YA but then I remembered that your story revolves around an older teacher and his student. A lot more acceptable back in the day, but a hard sell as a love story to publishers these days ;)


    Lavender Lass thanked Darcy
  • 9 years ago

    I have to echo what Darcy said concerning love of an older teacher (or any teacher) and a student. I am a teacher and I really became uncomfortable as soon as you began writing about his thoughts as they pertained to the girl. Of course, we only have this snippet to go by, so perhaps that is not the focus of the book. These days, too many teachers seem to be in the news for not respecting those boundaries. I cannot imagine it.

    Nonetheless, good luck with your writing. Whatever genre, whatever style, writing is a delight and quite the accomplishment.


    Lavender Lass thanked cyn427 (z. 7, N. VA)
  • 9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    cyn, I think in historical context this story is okay for adults. This girl is getting ready to graduate and her family wants her to come home to get married -- probably to some guy even older than this young teacher. Plus, I think in romance there's a whole crowd who really (really, really, really) likes the forbidden love trope. Lavender will have to work at making Henry not look like a skeeve but I really think she's up to the challenge.

    Lavender Lass thanked Darcy
  • 9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I'd show you more of the story (he's not a skeeve! LOL) but Amazon has strict rules about Kindle Unlimited and how much we can show for free.

    And yes, at 16 there were many girls already on their way to getting married in 1874. He's a good guy to even think it's inappropriate. That being said, he hasn't been her teacher for two years...he teaches the girls she's tutoring.

    Also, that part of the story is true! I changed some details in the book, but they really did meet when she was a student and he was a teacher, but did not date until she graduated. The obsession with her braids is all me...

    In the next few short stories, he's trying to help her get a teaching post and hoping they can have that in common. He has honorable intentions, I promise : )

  • 9 years ago

    I am supposed to get a longer 'read inside' section from Amazon.com for my book. So, here's an excerpt from the second half of the story : )

    The Dance

    Henry had not seen Clara all day, in fact, not since he’d left her
    with her family the day before. He hoped she would be at the dance, but
    he had not given her a chance to respond to his invitation. In fact, it
    hadn’t really been an invitation and he told himself he should have been
    more careful with his wording. He was starting to wonder if she’d gone
    home, when he saw her across the room.

    She was breathtaking. That was simply the only way to describe it.
    Her blonde braids, which he spent entirely too much time thinking about
    already, had been replaced with curls that dropped from her hair in a
    lovely way he couldn’t really describe. It was magical and he couldn’t
    take his eyes off her. Again, he told himself this was inappropriate.
    She was a student, but then realized, technically she was not. Having
    graduated, there was no reason not to think about those curls. Well, at
    least not from a safe distance.

    She moved with such grace that he couldn’t stop watching her. She
    hadn’t seen him yet, but everyone at the dance seemed to notice her.
    Then she saw him and came over to sign hello. The pale blue dress she
    wore seemed to bring out the green in her eyes and Henry realized he had
    to do something. He could not let her go home and marry someone else.
    She was too precious to him.

    “It’s so nice the way they’ve decorated the place tonight, don’t you
    think?” As she looked at Henry, she felt foolish trying to make small
    talk. Why did his eyes have to be such a deep shade of blue? She
    realized she had been staring at them for a few moments, then recovered
    by asking, “Did you have a nice time with the other students and their
    families?”

    Henry just looked at her. “Will you dance with me?” he asked, feeling
    the vibration of the music as the orchestra started playing. The look
    in his eyes suddenly seemed hopeful and sad at the same time. Clara took
    his hand and nodded yes.

    It was the first time they’d danced together and somehow, neither of
    them were surprised at how well they fit together. She seemed to
    anticipate his every move, as he twirled her gently around the floor. He
    looked into her eyes and time seemed to stop. They danced in slow
    circles and there was no one else in the world, but her. He looked at
    her hair, her eyes, and then her smile. How could he let her go?

    Read the rest of the story in To Share A Dream With You, now available on Amazon.com and Kindle Unlimited.

    https://read.amazon.com/kp/embed?asin=B01IKAD008&asin=B01IKAD008&preview=newtab&linkCode=kpe&ref_=cm_sw_r_kb_dp_RPMIxb5ND1HM9