(Much) Older Couple - How to Deal with "No Gifts"

9 years ago

We're an older couple. Amazingly, first marriage for both (we are in our later 60's). VERY much connected and this is what we've both been waiting for. We don't need gifts. We have what we need (in several instances, duplicates). We're also "ok" financially.

We just want to host our beloved friends at a party (after the church service, which is important to us). Would you suggest that we provide info about charities that we both, or each individually, support? I would like to send the message of no gifts, but people just don't seem to resonate with that.

I'm not interested in doing the stereotypical young couple thing of going through the various stores and forming a registry of $60 soup ladels. That's fine for a certain generation, but not ours. We are fully in agreement about what we consider important - and that is friendship and "giving back --- or forward".

How would you suggest we deal with this?

Thanks so much - I hope that you understand that I'm not dissing anyone's plans ... just trying to find what works best for us.

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Comments (5)

newgardenelf newgardenelf
9 years ago
We wrote- we are not registered and ask for only the gift of your friendship

I'm not a fan of asking folks to give to charities. Our family already donates a great deal to charity and sometimes people choose organizations we prefer not to support.

We still got cards, wine, small gifts but most people respected our wish not to receive gifts.
Suzieque thanked newgardenelf newgardenelf
gellchom
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Congratulations! Every happiness, Suzieque.

It isn't etiquette-approved to say anything at all about gifts, even "no gifts, please," but you can't call it offensive or greedy. Many people do it. I would, in your place.

I would put simply "No gifts, please." Don't add anything about "We don't need presents but your presence" or something -- it can come across as vaguely self-congratulatory and a bit as if you feel your values are superior to people who do get gifts. I know that's not your (or anyone's) intention, but just leave it at "No gifts, please" without any (unnecessary anyway) explanation, and definitely avoid derogatory or condescending comments about what other people do register.

Unlike newgardenelf (and many others, I know), I do like gifts of charitable donations in someone's honor. I like when someone does that for me; I take it as a compliment, that they know I would appreciate that.

The trick is to make it the charity of the OTHER person's choice or taste. So, if I am GIVING such a gift, I choose the recipient's favorite charity, or, if I don't know it even after a bit of research, something that I have good reason to think they would appreciate -- like their or their child's congregation, school, club, or camp; their local food bank, animal shelter, or public radio station; a reputable organization that supports a cause that they love.

From the other direction (when you are the recipient), ask for donations to the GIVER'S favorite charity, not yours. Even if yours is something you are sure wouldn't offend anyone on your list, you don't want your wedding (or birthday or whatever) to turn into a fundraiser.

So you might write, "Please, no gifts, other than a contribution to your favorite charity, if you wish."
Suzieque thanked gellchom
Suzieque
Original Author
9 years ago
Thank you so much to each of you. Your words and advice are very welcome. I appreciate your time and thoughts!
hounds_x_two
9 years ago
Congratulations! How wonderful for both of you.

As mentioned before, information about "gifts or registries, or 'no gifts please' or charity donations" should never be on the invitation. The invitation is just that! It is an invitation to a ceremony and perhaps to a celebration to follow.

You might include a reply/RSVP card for guests, and or a card with directions or a map or nearby hotel information if a block of rooms has been reserved.

On one of those documents you might include something like newgardenelf's nice statement about asking for "only the gift of your friendship"- my son and daughter-in-law handled it that way, as well.

Wishing you much joy!
nycefarm
9 years ago
Your presence is our present!