I think it is always tacky to ASK for money. Yes, but money is an acceptable gift, but not to ask for it. Maybe an old school opinion? (Heck, I'm old...)

Tacky? Yes.

Old school isn't necessarily a bad thing. I would find an outright request for money off putting. I would find it slightly more palatable if there was information directing invitees to a place to make a donation online, as well as an online gift registry. That way, at least, people would see options instead of feeling like they were expected to "hand over the cash." I think the fact that a website demands a fee is just part of the price you pay for asking for money in a slightly less obtrusive way.

That's my $.02!

Yeah, I thought tacky as well.. but not so much because it's asking for a gift. I mean, a registry is also asking for a gift. Idk. I guess I always thought the honeymoon was between the bride and groom and isolated from wedding gifting.

At least amongst family (who will be giving the largest gifts), I think it's fine to discuss. Most would have given money anyhow. I just don't know how to recommend she handle the registry question if she doesn't register.

The online honeymoon collection site is nixed. The fee was a concern for her.. and it locked her into one company for their travel planning. My other sister and I (the aunts) also shared our great concern that it was in poor taste.

My only niece is getting married this summer also. She and her fiance live together in a house they purchased awhile back, and like your niece, they don't need the small household items a couple typically needs to get started. The things they DO need, the average wedding or shower guest isn't going to buy (ie: they would like a $500 Dyson vacuum cleaner that her mom or grandparents will probably purchase). They've registered at Bed Bath and Beyond, but there's really not much on the registry. I'm co-hosting a (large) couples shower for them later this month and I have fielded dozens of inquiries regarding gifts. It seems like it's hard to say anything that doesn't end up sounding tacky in one way or the other!

So I just started telling the truth - which is basically what I've said here - - they live together in a house they purchased awhile back and they don't need the small household items a couple typically needs to get started, however, they are planning a Honeymoon trip in June and are also putting new siding & windows on their house later this summer so cash is always useful and always much appreciated. Tacky? Probably. But what else can you say when people ask?? I just got tired of trying to tiptoe around it. If the roles were reversed, I'd want to know the truth. I'm not interested in buying towels or a small appliance that the recipient has no use for.

Hubby and I are giving them a Le Creuset oval french oven for a shower gift, and have paid for their honeymoon flights as a wedding gift. I think hubby will probably give her something more personal & special, separately from everything else. Looking at a pretty Tiffany bracelet. Her dad (my husband's brother) died about a year ago and she & my Hubby have been quite close since then. I know she's missing her dad terribly through all the wedding planning & festivities.

Very much the same thing here, smh.. though my niece is pretty young (early 20s), she has much of what she needs from our family. Also, her fiancé (early 30s) was already living in a fully stocked house. She does want a few higher dollar items but I think it's every bit as tacky to have a registry of only high ticket items.

FWIW I am currently planning to give gifts for the shower (vs money) also... I don't know how the bridesmaid is planning to address this without a registry.. but I especially think that expecting money as a shower gift is tacky times two.

Thank you all for your insight and candor.. I very much appreciate that all feel comfortable with speaking their minds!

I think this is another example of a social dynamic in which modern life has changed so much that the old fashioned customs almost have no relevance.

Wedding gifts USED to be intended as a way to help a young couple who by definition each lived on his/her own (or with his/her family, but definitely not with each other) establish their joint household and thus the buying of practical items to that end. However today many/most couples seem to be more of this mold:

"they live together in a house they purchased awhile back and they don't need the small household items a couple typically needs to get started, however, they are planning a Honeymoon trip in June and are also putting new siding & windows on their house later this summer so cash is always useful and always much appreciated.

I'm not interested in buying towels or a small appliance that the recipient has no use for."

And that more or less turns into an expectation that people will express their joy at a young couple choosing to go through the legal ceremony in recognition of a practical ongoing situation--ie, they are already utterly established as a cohabiting pair of committed adults.

At worst, it feels like asking someone to pony up so they can do an upgrade to the 'ol homestead, or take a fancier vacation. At best I suppose it feels like at least expressing the joy of recognizing that at least they wanted to make it legal....

I don't understand the reluctance to use an online registry like www.honeyfund.com. There's no charge to the couple or the donors and it certainly will allow people to donate toward something the couple will enjoy on a honeymoon. Why wouldn't the bride use that?

What about having the shower be a "shower" for some charity they are partial to...something like: "We really want to come together to celebrate Beth and Bruce, but because the bride and groom have pretty much everything they need, please bring a small gift that will be donated to _____ fill in blank (Children's Hospital, Women's Shelter, Homeless shelter, etc.) There will be a "money tree" (or whatever you'd call it) available for
those who may wish to contribute toward their trip to Ireland.

You could have a list of needed items by the organization, i.e. toiletries, small kitchen utensils, backpacks - depending on the type of things needed by that particular group.

That way, people can shop for a gift and everyone benefits, plus those who want to give more can add to the cash stash.

Oly, while I usually think charity gifts are nice.. this is a young couple. While they have a fully outfitted house, they don't have a lot of money. It isn't that they don't need anything-- but they don't need things for their house. They surely could upgrade things they've received as hand-me downs (from my mother, sisters and I) or bought second hand --but they are have made it clear that their priority is a honeymoon in Ireland. Not the decision I'd make in their position-- but it is what it is.

While a little of my judgement is coming out, I will say that with all three of the couples who are getting married, they all value hand-me downs, DIY and upcycled items which I can admire. They wouldn't all appreciate crystal, china, table linens or monogrammed towels. The other two do or will have registries but they have or will likely go for more traditional but practical items-- casual dishware, bedding, kitchen knives. Also, many of them have already been given nicer things -- including family heirlooms (china, glassware and furniture. Mom can't find a taker for her silver but they all love her much more casual armetale.)

Running really hit the nail on the head.. modern life has changed the priorities for many young couples. I get it.. but looking for a way to tactfully blend modern day desires with wedding traditions.

I've actually been invited to a couple weddings lately where the young bride and groom to be didn't need any of the usual gifts for similar reasons mentioned above and they suggested charitable gifts instead. I'm sure I'm an old curmudgeon but I'm not into funding vacations or home improvements for the co-habitating couple who already have already purchased a home together.

I find myself defending them.. but the truth is, I think a couple takes the honeymoon they can afford. Parents may opt to gift them a honeymoon but it doesn't sit right to ask guests to fund their trip.

I don't begrudge gifts.. I regularly splurge on the kids. I just don't like this particular request. I am a bit embarrassed for them. There. I said it.

I kind of agree, that if they have been living as married (which I have no judgements about) and have the basics covered, then I'm not going like being expected to help fund an extravagant honeymoon (and to me Europe for a young couple is extravagant). After all, they can take a honeymoon in a year or later, after they've saved the money they want/need for the trip they desire.

If I were invited to this wedding or shower, they'd get something that I shopped for that I thought they would like and use and maybe look at in 30 years and remember I gave it to them to celebrate their wedding. And if they don't feel that way, they can donate it.

I'm pretty old-fashioned, but I actually like the idea of a honeymoon fund. In many cultures, you are expected to give money in an envelope at the wedding. In my mind, being able to contribute to something the couple really wants rather than burdening them with some tchotchke or the tenth blender is a welcome relief.

I briefly scanned the other responses. This is a niece. You have a relationship with her. Why is it so horrible to want money to go toward an experience rather than yet another thing that they don't even need, given they are already living together.

I always give a check when I attend a wedding. Always. If I am not attending, I will have a gift forwarded to the couple from the registry.

ETA: I just looked at Fun2Bhere and she has said what I was thinking perfectly.

IMHO, the guiding premise is that one may not ask for a gift. For that reason, I do not even like "registered at" on invites.

If the couple wants things for which one can register, they can go right ahead and if people inquire, they are sent to the registry.

If they do not want things for which one can register, than there simply is no registry.

That is not the end of the world. People will either ask for ideas (and if they do, an honest answer is fine), or they will roll their own. If they roll their own, a lot will give $. If they give a gift, they are usually smart enough to include a receipt or to make the physical gift small and the monetary gift larger.

Actually, Mtn is correct. I believe her advice is still in line with etiquette standards.

Is it tacky--to us YES. Is it done--more and more. IMHO all the cohabitation takes gift giving and honeymoon donations off the table. The point was to set a couple up with what they NEEDED and didn't have. That no longer is REAL it would seem. I know it isn't realistic that one wouldn't bring a gift to a wedding--but all the showers---well it would seem tacky is in the eye of the beholder and there is a lot tacky I am beholding.

I agree with Mtn also about registries and asking for $. I do prefer to give a gift but when in doubt I write a cheque. I will be attending the wedding of a dear friend's daughter in May. The bride and her fiancé have just moved into their first home, and it is already furnished and equipped with family furniture, donations, and shower gifts. Their registry is rather sparse. Since the bride has lived at home until now and hasn't yet shown her style preferences, I asked her mother about her taste. The response was that there are still a few things the new couple will need to set up their home and that money would be helpful. I see this as an honest response and not a request for funds per se. Nevertheless, I will send a small gift along with the cheque;)

Is it tacky? To me, yes, because a wedding shouldn't be done in the spirit of a fund raiser, where you feed the masses rubber chicken and hope to turn a profit.

But, if she's a millenial, they want experiences and as long as they're not demanding a lot of money or ridiculously expensive gifts on a registry, I don't really care either way.

Gift or money, my expenditure isn't changing.

It's a different generation.

Well, maybe it is just the way I was brought up...but frankly, the less said about gifts the better. I am Southern, and was married in the 90's. My mother would have DIED if I had "requested" cash from our wedding guests!! Gawd, it is like you are asking them to pay for their dinner!!

I was in my early 20's and dh & I didn't live together before we were married, so was probably easy to shop for us. I did registries at 2 stores with a large variety of items and prices, but we didn't "advertise" the registeries. If someone asked, they were told and the folks who had showers for me knew in case people asked. I just have been brought up that a present is a gift from the heart & NEVER expected.

arcy_gw: Are you saying couples who live together before marriage should not be given wedding gifts?

I've been married more than once, and the first time I wore my mother's wedding dress. When it came time to start planning another wedding, I was so excited about looking at wedding dresses and zeroed in on the beautiful long, white, traditional gowns. I was brought up by Southern women too, and when I showed them a couple of my dress considerations, I was quickly "set straight" about their views on what to wear for a second wedding. Let's just say they drove home to me the traditional meaning behind the white wedding dress in the Southern culture, and I ended up choosing something more along the lines of a not-so-white cocktail dress. ;-)

Gee, Ida, I think those ladies should go pound sand. Yes, yes ... We know the traditional meaning of a white dress, but I think we all also know that many a white dress was worn, by these ladies standards, "dishonestly" back in the day, and today I would guffaw at the suggestion that the typical bride is we-know-what.

Yes, I think it is TACKY to ask. Do I think it is tacky to give money, no . . . but it should be because you WANT to not because THEY want you to!

I ran across this a few years ago. The couple wanted their friends and family to fund (or fund upgrades) the honeymoon. I agree with mtn's assessment. There really isn't a good way to tell people you want money. With a lack of registry I would probably have written a check and they would have received the money they wanted. (Without me having to knowingly fund a honeymoon they couldn't afford.) They ended up calling the whole thing off so I didn't have to decide what to do. Whew!

I hate showers. However, I buy gifts and attend baby showers. Wedding showers for people who have lived on their own/co-habitated for years? Not so much. I was in that situation when I got married and I told everyone who I thought might plan a shower that I definitely did not want one. Instead, our matron of honor and best man decided to throw a party for us a week before the wedding. It was great fun and no presents were involved. I also didn't register for wedding gifts. A few people asked what we would like and I told them their presence at the wedding. We did, of course, receive gifts because people think they need to give them. While I was appreciative of the thought that went into them and the good wishes conveyed I would really rather that no one had given them. You can't turn down a gift though, can you? I wonder how many other people are the "we really don't want gifts" sorts who just don't know how to not get them.

Yes, there is really no proper way to say, "no gifts, please" because it implies you think you might receive them! If you don't want/need gifts...best to just donate them.

This is a timely question, I have a similiar situation. My nephew was married last year and they had the standard gift registry. We knew they did not have much money for a honeymoon, so I talked to my sister-in-law to see if they would prefer something from their registry or tickets to the theater at their honeymoon destination. They loved the idea of the theater, we got them much nicer tickets than they would've ever bought themselves and they had a very wonderful time. Early this year we received a Save the Date for a cousin's wedding next month. This card included their wedding website information which had a tab with links to their registries. The registries suggestions were limited to high dollar gifts or contributing something to the honeymoon. I had no problem buying tickets for my nephew when it was my idea, but was annoyed that the cousin was suggesting a possible purchase of a honeymoon "experience" for them. In the end I will probably just give them a check and they can do with that what they will, but this did create a negative feeling over the entire gift giving experience.

Lots of perspectives.. thank you all!

All my nieces and nephews getting married are in their early to mid twenties. Just starting out in life. One has a toddler. All are hard working. Living together is practical for young people with student loans and entry level jobs.. and I've done it multiple times without marrying. I surely don't judge them for living together and starting to create a home.

Where I am a wee bit judgmental is where they've opted for a honeymoon well beyond their means. But I suppose it's every bit as silly as crystal and fine china for a couple in a starter home-- and surely the experience and memories will last them every bit as long. I had already decided to give them money as a wedding gift... but now I have made peace with the decision. Thank you for helping me to work through it :)

The original question was how to communicate their desires to those who will inevitably ask about shower and wedding gifts. I think a number of you have provided great responses to the questions. I don't know how the bridesmaid intends to handle the shower (which is when a registry is usually identified) .. I don't know her well but if she asks, I will give her the same advice.

I think the problem with money, aside from the traditional taboo, is that it does not allow the gift-giver to express themselves in any way. Look at how many threads there are here about gift-giving. People take a measure of pride in selecting a special or thoughtful gift, or even in wrapping it, etc. The registry is a compromise between unfettered creativity in giving, and cash.

The only way to distinguish yourself with a monetary gift is by making it big. Perhaps that is why people find it distasteful; it is so readily ranked. I think also it deprives the giver of imagining "aww, every time they use this gravy boat, they will think of me". Never underestimate narcissism in explaining behavior. : )

You are right on all counts, Mtn. Even when giving money, I want to "wrap" it in some special way... something more than handing over a check.

And I want the gift to be memorable. At least the gifts to family.

"it is so readily ranked." True that. Reminds me of a somewhat distant relative's wedding I went to many years ago. The gifts were opened at the reception (not a good idea) and announced. Announcement included the dollar amount of checks/cash. These were not wealthy people and neither were we. The amount we gave was modest (seriously modest - I don't recall the exact amount but it was $50 or less). In fact, when I realized they were announcing the amounts I thought "Sh*t. We're going to look cheap." However, our gift was larger than anyone else's. Many of whom were much closer to the bride and groom. Our "modest" was extravagant to those folks. It was embarrassing. For me and probably for everyone else.

OMG...that is literally the tackiest, weirdest thing I have ever heard of at a wedding, Roses! A wedding isn't a child's birthday party where you open gifts and show everyone!!

Funkyart, I am confused about something....you are the aunt. Why are you getting drawn in to telling others about the gift choice the young couple has made. Is there a mom of the bride around?

I recently became aware of wedding where the bride and groom asked guests to fund dinners and excursions at their honeymoon in Thailand via a dedicated website. So, basically it was a gift registry but items were for things like $700 for helicopter ride. What in the world? They had a destination wedding at a 5 star resort and the bride's father is CEO of an oil company.

Jmc.. I am asking because

1. I will be asked by other guests,

2. I am supporting my sister, niece and her maid of honor as best I can with wedding planning, My niece specifically spoke to me about her wishes on two separate occasions. She's looking for guidance.

3. It was a topic of conversation at Easter-- where the questions were being asked between my sisters (one of which is MOB), my mother and the bride.

4. Because this group has provided great insight in the past.. since NONE of us have been involved in weddings in many years, I thought it was valuable to get feedback from those who have.

I don't mind explaining myself.. but, really, I don't think my role in the family or our family dynamics affect the question.

I think close family members do get asked about gifts so I can understand why you'd be involved :)

Weddings are tough - speaking as a gift-giver, I really do think the best gift for a young couple is cash. They will likely (based on my experience) own a lot of their household goods and may be struggling to pay for the wedding (in my circle parents do not pay for weddings). A lot of young couples also don't want a lot of stuff. I now give only cash or perhaps cash and a thoughtful small token such as a craft piece or restaurant gift certificate I think the couple will like. And I understand that gifts are Not to be Mentioned by the couple but let's be real...almost everybody brings a gift. And I'd rather it be a gift the couple wants and can use. None of us want to waste our money on something that will not be used. We set up a registry with the food bank for our wedding and it was a big hit, but we were also getting some help from our parents with the wedding (we paid for most of it ourselves however).

I understand the best approach etiquette-wise is still to set up a registry of any sort (household, honeymoon) and close family members will only mention it when asked, or mention cash when asked.

I believe most somewhat youngish people that I know around here (40 and under) bring cash to weddings. This may be because a lot of our friends are from cash giving cultures (I have received two wedding invitations that stated No Box Gifts!)

I guess I am an outlier. I think it is tacky to include where you are registered on the invitation and I think any sort of similar statement about preferring cash on or with the invitation would be tacky. But if someone asks, I don't see anything wrong with saying, they would really love cash as they already have their household set up.

I haven't read all of the responses but my daughter is going to be a bridesmaid for a childhood friend and we are invited to the wedding.

I just pulled out the invitation to see where they are registered:

Crate and Barrel

Amazon

Honeyfund.com

They are going to Hawaii and you can donate to all sorts of items pertaining to the trip....airfare, hotel, excursions, surf lessons, massages, etc.

I'm not sure how I feel about it. On the one hand it's really no different than any other registry asking for a fondue set or cupcake tins. But it does give me some pause asking for a monetary gift.

I have no problem with listing registries. Everyone invited is going to give a gift and most people find registries helpful and convenient and the couple gets items they want and need instead of items they will return or donate.

I haven't decided what I'm doing for the above wedding but I may do the Honeyfund since they will be moving to another state after the honeymoon....the less stuff they have to move the better.

I believe a bride can wear whatever color she chooses, whether this is a subsequent marriage or if they've been living together for ages. Life is too short for that kind of rule.

In February I went to my long-lost niece's wedding and had a warm, loving reunion, including with her mom, my brother's ex. I gave her $500 (done up in a gift bag) because I could afford to and because I thought it would help them out either at home, on their honeymoon, or paying wedding reception bills. I have another niece in a closer family relationship who's getting married in the fall. I will give her a similar amount, perhaps more.

Without a registry I think most people will give money. No mention of what the couple plans to do with the money.

Joanie, I like the idea of the Honeyfund. People just need to be comfortable with what they can afford. Whether you give cash or decide to buy them a gift that equals that amount, the reality is they will still know you paid $X. So, really, you cares?

One website talks about how to request money in lieu of a gift. They talk about a Polish money dance, where envelopes of money are exchanged for a sweet. There are some annoying pop ups but you can close them easily enough.

The knot asking-for-money-wedding-gifts

Personally I'm fine with being asked for money instead. I'm happy to support a young couple in their choices with a bit of money. I might be biased though as I just enjoy weddings and love to help my family if I can. :)

Yeah, there are a lot of sites that mention the honeyfund and others similar. I understand it is getting more accepted/popular. It's about how to share the information that is at question.

There are a lot of cultural traditions around weddings that involve some sort of money dance. It isn't one specific to our culture.. so it would be in very bad taste IMO.

Just to be clear, I have NO issue helping them financially/giving gifts. I don't have kids and I've always been very generous with the nieces/nephews .. with time and money.