You didn’t give any concrete examples, but regardless—

How do you deal with your kids' stepmom? You don't. You and your ex are the co-parents. There is no reason for you to set ground rules with his new wife. Her role, as step-parent, is the same as any other adult that your co-parent allows around his kids. Which is, they support the parent's position. And, it is important for you to realize that your ex-, the children’s father is there and agreeing to or allowing (which is the same as agreeing to) any actions that go on in his and his wife’s home. So, if there are ground rules to be set or things that need to be said, it is with him and not her. The co-parenting ground rules have to do with communication and scheduling. Pick-ups, drop offs, medical issues, phone time with the kids. It is your ex’s house, his rules (and if he lets her make rules, that's his prerogative). The time will come that you and the stepmom are at a school event or something together. It will be awkward. Be polite and make small talk if you can manage it. That's about it.

Your ground rules are for your house and theirs for their house. Realistically you cannot manage who what when where or how at the ex's home just like he cannot at yours. It is the biggest problem in co-parenting. It's out of the control of both when the kids are at the other home. You can do damage control when they come back. However, when you do damage control, please act wisely in how you speak to the kids about their father and, yes, even his wife. If kids think you want to hear bad things about SM, they will come up with things to give you just that and make you happy, whether those stories are exaggerated, true or not.

I’m not saying the SM is perfect here or did not do anything wrong, because she should not have been emailing you or contacting you directly either. But, just like you mentioned “ I realized she was given improper information about me.” Maybe you were given improper information about her. Just saying. Regardless, you can’t force your ex- to “parent” his wife. His wife is his wife and his children are his children. He is a husband to his wife and a parent to his children. If you don't think he is parenting them correctly, then that is between you and him.

I don't necessarily agree with Ariel's take on this. For any child to feel mocked or invalidated is not okay. While you and their stepmother may have different parenting techniques she still needs to treat your children with dignity and respect in the home they share with her and their father. Do your older children validate what your youngest is telling you? If so, I wouldn't sit on this. It sounds like you don't want to rock the boat with your ex, but do you think you'd be able to gently suggest a family meeting to discuss this?

I just want to clarify that by no means am I saying it is OK for any SM, anyone to mock or invalidate a child. But, what I am saying is that there is a parent (dad) in the home with SM, his wife. In the future, bio-mom may have a new husband, step-dad in her home. SKs can and may go back and forth between homes pointing fingers at step-mom or step-dad many a time. And, of course, if step-dad is being called out, bio-dad's feathers will more than likely be ruffled, and if step-mom is being called out, bio-mom's feathers will be ruffled.

But, what both parents are forgetting is that neither one is there to see, witness what is actually going on, and that they are both parents! So, in this case, dad is already the parent in the home. He is in charge, control of his children while they are under his care. If BM thinks there is anything fishy going on, she needs to take it up with her ex-. He bears pretty much full responsibility for their care while they are in his home. He is a man and their father. He has a mind of his own. Whatever goes on in his home, as a parent he is allowing. SM isn't going around sprinkling mind-control dust on his cereal every am.

I see what you are saying, and I don’t mean to minimize your concerns, but other than the marijuana example (which appears to be suspected, but not necessarily fact), most of the examples you gave is what can happen in pretty much any home where kids are present. It could happen at Aunt Emma and Uncle Bob’s home, for instance. If you are not with a child 24/7, it is more difficult to gauge what buttons once pressed may deeply hurt. If you feel your DH is a lackey parent, that is between you and him. It is not up to SM to fulfill his parent role and it is not up to SM to fulfill that parent role as you personally see fit.

Fishing aside, again, your ex- is the one you divorced. He is also equally the children’s parent. SM married your ex-husband. She signed on to be her husband's partner and be supportive of him and his children. She didn't sign on to having to answer directly to her husband's ex- and be put in a position where she gets to feel like she has to cater to another woman (doesn’t matter if you are BM or not) in what is her and her husband’s own marriage or relationship. You may not look at it that way and some others may not look at it this way, but apparently, she does. And since this is her and her husband’s household, what she feels is what matters and not what another woman or man outside their own household feels.

Children are not equal to adults in their rights. Children have every right to feel loved and appreciated and be protected. And, you are right. Respect on all sides is the goal. But, children are not equal to adults in the sense that they get to have equal input or equal say in what goes on (especially in every detail) in dad's and/or mom's home. Children, for example, are not being manipulated just because dad (and step-mom) have different boundaries/ rules.

If dad is truly smoking marijuana, then you should be speaking with the authorities and not blaming SM for that. If you think she is really turning a blind eye to his blatant use or smoking weed too, then that is all the more reason to report.

However, I'm glad you seemed to have reached some sort of decision.

Thank you for your response, but kids’ want their way and their feelings aren’t taken into consideration all the time, by bio-parents just as easily as step-parents. A child thinks like a child, which generally means self-serving interests. Kid wants yet another bowl of ice-cream before bed; if the step-parent just says No, that is not SM being manipulative or wanting her way. That is SM acting like what she is, an adult and an adult in her own home.

Call it what you want, “children first,” etc. There are many names to put on a BM trying to put some sort of spin of child endangerment in dad’s household, that he now shares with his wife. Now, I can’t say for sure what is really going on in that home, but I’m suspecting neither can you. The older, more knowing kids, don’t seem to have THAT much of an issue. Other than the pot, the examples you listed above just don’t scream out abuse. They more-so scream out: big misunderstanding. And, if you allowed your ex- to smoke pot when he was with you and your children, you might want to ask yourself why suddenly now that he is doing it with someone else, somewhere else you are so-o concerned about it and diminishing him to worthless father status.

I’ll tell you what the future is for you and your children, because I’ve seen it and heard of it many a time. I’m not saying there is parental alienation syndrome going on here (PAS), because, again, I don’t know all of the facts. But, to me it sounds like you think you should have control of not only your children, but your ex- and his wife, while your children are in their home, at least. And/or, maybe you divorced your loser husband expecting him to suffer for years and years, and instead he found a new wife/ woman a little too quickly? Any way, it is extremely easy for a BM to take minor incidents that occur with her children and blow them out of proportion. This begins a cyclical effect where the kids and BM feed on each other, encouraging each other to think that dad, and especially SM, are Evil or losers or even abusive, and that they don’t have to be listened to, which in turn, upsets dad and SM, so they feel they have to somehow try to get the kids in line further, which then gives the kids even more fodder for mom, and the cycle continues and grows.

But, as a BM, I admit, you pretty much have all of the power. It is very easy for you to use that power however you see fit. The court system, society as a whole, will all give you the shadow of a doubt and the shadow of a doubt alone because you are a single mother. Keep things going, and your kids will wind up hating their father, hating SM, and loving and relying on only you. You may go on to get involved or remarry, and the kids will go on to think of step-dad as their “real” dad because mom is promoting him so and not at all just because he deserves that role. There will be issues and drama beyond belief for years to come due to Evil SM and deadbeat bio-dad (that will be your and your children’s spin, anyway). In the end, your kids will think the world of you and hate/ blame their father. When, in reality, the only thing dad and SM may have done wrong is to dare to marry and to try to be happy with each other and dad’s children in their own home. Yes, to some BMs (and SKs and others) that is a crime. Stay out of it. You are the kids’ mom and he is the kids’ dad. You both have the right to parent; just because YOU feel he isn’t parenting that doesn’t mean he isn’t parenting. Regardless, it is up to you how the rest of this plays out. Enjoy your power.

This forum is free to you, and the replies are just from people posting what they think. It's a public forum. Take what you get for free. For useful advice, please find a professional counselor.

Your 12 YO isn't happy with SM. You can help your 12 YO by explaining to her the difference between children and adults and that adults get to make decisions in their own home that children may or may not be happy with. I'm pretty sure your daughter isn't happy with everything in your home either.

The examples you gave all sounded like SM is doing everything wrong and daughter is an angel. That is not uncommon for BPs to feel that way, that their child can do no wrong. If there is a conflict between a child and a adult, well then, it has to be the adult at fault!? Not likely and certainly not every time.

You may think of this post as being about how to help your child and not step-mom, but making it sound like your daughter is never wrong and her SM and dad are somehow inferior or her equal isn't going to help anyone.

You mentioned where one of your sons shat in the bathroom or similar and SM told dad to clean it up. Why wouldn't one expect dad to help clean it up? The comment SM made 'it's your kid, clean it up' wasn't necessary. But, how would the SM ever have won in this situation? SM is supposed to cook and clean for kids and clean up their shat, but SM can't be anywhere near a mom or can't be trusted. SM is in her own home, but she is supposed to just sit back and say nothing while the kids are there, and if her husband doesn't set guidelines, they get to run around like rug rats and SM can't say one word, dare she confuse them?

I get that your saying that this is supposed to be about your 12-YO, but you need to help your 12-YO navigate the situation with dad and SM by helping her to realize that dad's house, dad's rules, and not by making either of them out to be public enemy #1. That is the way to truly help your daughter.