I did not know you were recently divorced. I'm sorry you're having to start your social life over, but, boy, you're going in the right direction. Are you sure YOU want to share your thoughts at meetings with your admin? If so, I say carry on. I know you won't press your admin and won't share her "shares" with anyone else outside the group.

I didn’t know, either. I’m sorry. Anyway, I’d go to one meeting and see how it shakes out. Maybe you’ll get the sense that your coworker feels uncomfortable, or maybe you will feel uncomfortable, but it might work out really well. I’d give it a shot.

I just re-read your post. I’m not clear on whether this is a formal support group or more of a social group that happens to be for divorced women? As in, maybe people won’t be sharing their innermost feelings but instead just enjoying a social outing?

Can you get together for a chat to reassure her (and yourself) what’s said in group stays in group? It’s harder for some women to open up to other women due to trust issues.

If this group is a safe place when you do not have to censor your thoughts, it would be prudent to consider the impact on your relationship with her.

I guess I agree with Sueb20. Attend one meeting and see how it flows. It may be that there's not as much sharing of specific personal information as there is general discussion of dealing with the aftermath of an unexpected major life change. Plus, if the group is fairly large, I'm sure that there will be smaller groups within the larger group that socialize together. You and the other woman can be friends with different sub-groups. However, you will have to edit yourself until you know if this woman can be trusted, but that would be true anyway, I think.

That is a bona fide dilemma. I guess I would try it, too, since I am guessing there are not plentiful options? But I can appreciate that, especially with a personal issue, it can be nice to have the freedom of anonymity. Wishing you all the best as you go forward, Jakabedy.

I agree that you should go to this meeting. You might feel uncomfortable at first, but it is really important for you to take this step. It's unfortunate that there aren't other Meet Ups with the same purpose for you to join.

You already told her that you have sent your RSVP for the next meeting, so no surprise there.

I'm a bit unclear about your relationship with your admin. You take each other out for birthday lunches so you must have a personal level of some sort.

Go to the meeting, see how it works and see how comfortable you feel with it all.

Good for you for taking this step, as this can't be easy.

Thanks, all. For the kind words and the advice. 2018 was a year I was more than glad to see in the rear view mirror. I’ll try to clarify what I can.

It’s just a Meet-up group, led by a woman who has published a book of some sort. So while there is a sense that there is someone knowledgeable leading things, it’s not a “group” in the therapist-client relationship sense.

Looking back on previous events for the group, anywhere from 3-8 people attend at any given time, Nd there are 60 members in the group. Also, the group is not yet a year old. So, it’s not huge, and I suspect there are those who attend regularly, sprinkled with occasional drop-ins.

Re the relationship with the admin — my colleague and I (we’re lawyers) take staff out for birthdays, and give holiday gifts, but there’s no expectation they would do the same for us. It’s more of a “boss” thing than a “friend” thing. And the fact that we’re a legal office means I’m likely more hands-off her situation than the average friendly boss would be. I’m supportive of her needing time off, and I recommended an attorney for her to consult, but it’s important I not cross into anything that looks like legal advice.

Interestingly, it never crossed my mind that I could potentially be the uncomfortable one. I think I was too focused on not wanting her to feel uncomfortable or stifled in any way. With my divorce officially behind me (and no ongoing relationship issues at all - we had no kids), I’m pretty much an open book at this point. No longer is there a need for stealth or strategy or support for life-altering decision making. There’s no real fodder for gossip or innuendo, though admin is 100% not the type to engage in anything like that, anyway.

I just checked the event for Sunday and so far it’s only the leader and me. My guess is there is a chance it could cancel. My thought is that I should go Sunday and see how it goes. There is then a Tuesday evening thing at the end of the month that admin is RSVP’d for. I can decide after Sunday what the best course of action would be.

You sound like me...

You are putting the needs/feelings of a work colleague (not even a friend or relative) above your own. So you are denying yourself of what you need.

Think more of your own comfort levels rather than hers. It's time to put you first, I think.

I would encourage you to attend a few meetings to determine the "vibe". Are the women upbeat and talking about their new life vs moaning about their exes? In any group, there are always people that over share. This is a time for new beginnings, so I say, why not?

How about checking other Meet-ups? I just had a look and it seems there are groups for everything!

There are some specifically for certain age groups, there was one for women in their 50's without children. Although it seems to make sense to start with your divorce as the key commonality, I think you will find similar women in many of the groups for the camaraderie that you are looking for..

It sounds like this particular Meet-up hasn't gained traction. Even if Sunday doesn't work, stay connected and see how it grows.

I hate to say this but...I don't think I'd join either. Your admin is bound to be uncomfortable and she has dibs because she was there first. If it were a colleague of equal standing I would not feel the same way.

But I really, really admire you for reaching out for support and I so hope you find a group that works for you!

Meet-ups are not professional therapy groups. They are for like minded people who want to share something they have in common.

If this were an actual therapy group with a professional therapist, I would then agree with Lake and Robo.

As I mentioned above, there are many different Meet-up groups. I think Jak can find others that will meet her needs. There are ones for older singles. I am sure that many in those groups are also divorced.

OK, so I have never actually heard of a "meet up" group, I assumed there was an element of support in it, a la AL ANON, not necessarily led by a professional therapist, but a "talk through your feelings and get support" kind of space. But if it's just a "let's meet and go to the museum as a group" kind of thing, then my opinion changes slightly. I still think it's incumbent on the senior person to make way for their subordinate, and that socializing with work peeps is a slippery slope, and one that I don't like being on, so I would opt out of the group, even if it's not necessarily a support group.

I would not join a group like that that my direct report was involved in. She was there first, and no matter what your relationship at work, it will likely be uncomfortable for both of you. But mostly for her.

Here's the thing, Lake. Maybe convenient Meet-ups are scarce in Jak's area. She might run into the same issue over and over as the admin also explores other neighboring groups. Just for fun Lake, look up Meet-ups and see what is available in your area.

I think Jak has to actually see how the group is being led. If it does indeed seem like a pseudo therapy group, I would be swayed toward not going..

I would go at least a few times. Chances are high you will meet other like-minded professionals there you will find a connection with and you will gravitate to each other. Your admin sounds as if she has already found some new friends, so you can find your own group of friends perhaps.

If it turns into something other than what you expected or becomes uncomfortable between you and your admin, you can opt out gracefully.

I think I would not go to the meet up group. Alternatively , go once since the admin knows you signed up, but don’t discuss anything personal. I think it’s important to keep work and personal life separate, especially when you are not at the same job level. Workplace gossip happens and you don’t want your personal story spread around.

When I was going through my divorce I went to see a counselor to help with some stress related physical problems. I related some very personal information, as you do in those sessions. Later, the counselor was invited to join a Board on which I sat for many years. It was excruciatingly uncomfortable and I was very relieved when she later resigned.

If you were just co-workers, maybe, but I wouldn't do it if you're in a boss type relationship with her. I would think it would be uncomfortable to socialize with her boss in any capacity, especially a support group one. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong, I've never really had a traditional boss, but it just seems like it would be awkward for her.

I wouldn't do it. I would not want to censor what I say. Life is messy, especially after a divorce. In my experience, no facet of your life is unaffected--including work.

I would tread very carefully here.

Is it a "support group" (OP) or a social group (a la Meet-up?).

There is a lot of good advice here, both pro and con. My question is, is it possible to have a private chat with the “leader” of this group to explain this situation to her. My thought is that with so many women involved at one time or another, is it possible that there are spin-off groups that you could join? You’re a very kind and thoughtful person and I totally understand your reticence in attending the same sessions as your Admin. I hope that perhaps with the help of this woman leading the group gatherings, you can find a good solution.

Having grown up and lived and worked in a small town for quite a while, I can say that this is a common problem that folks in bigger cities probably have not encountered and might not know how to deal with. FWIW, in a small town, NOTHING you do is private at work, and also any place else you go socially or culturally. My husband has lived in a large metropolitan area all his life and just does not get this! In a small town you always have to mind your p's and q's as far as interpersonal relationships if you know what's good for you. So if this is your situation, there may not be other alternative groups out there, and it may not be relevant either, because you're likely to run into other people you know from work or whatever all the time. So the advice is to always maintain a professional demeanor no matter what. As a teacher, I am quite used to this. I never know where I will run into a student or former student. I think whether or not I would continue with the group, (if I talked to my boss and she was OK with it) would depend on how well things went with the group, AND the character of the people involved.

For example, my former boss and I were friends of a sort, and shared some personal information and discussions about personal issues. We were similarly tight lipped folks with cool heads on our shoulders (both of us being scientists without huge ego issues), and both she and I could separate what was strictly work and what was strictly personal. Whenever I delved into something personal I would say to her, "I'm stepping out of my work mode." However, I never tried to take advantage of this relationship or anything personal we shared. Besides, it was stuff like dating advice, recipes, shopping tips, etc. And sometimes FYI stuff about people and resources in our community. For example she recommended a dentist for me, etc. If she told me she was upset about a family issue or vice versa, we sympathized but kept it to ourselves. I didn't try to use any of that to affect what I did or did not do at work. When we were at work, our minds were mostly focused on work tasks and conversations relating to those tasks. That's what I mean by professional behavior.

On the other hand, I have another co-worker who is a terrible gossip to the extent it has negatively affected the work environment. That person also tends to embellish. If my boss was that type of person, I would not go to the group, or any other place outside of work with that person if I had any choice. And I always bear in mind how what I say to that person might leave our circle, work or otherwise. I once had a very scary boss as far as her being manipulative and I would have the hair stand up on the back of my neck if I even saw her in the grocery store aisle!

Some folks try to use personal information for nefarious means, and some do not. No level of boundaries is going to stop that. If they do it outside of work they are very likely to do it inside work as well. So the answer to the question depends: 1. What kind of character does your boss have and is there already a pretty good level of trust between you? and 2. What other options do you have?

Pink, jakabedy is the boss in this situation.

You had researched the groups and RSVP'ed before you found out that your admin was part of the group. You're not deliberately infringing on her group. I would certainly go to the first meeting and even a second and see how it works out. If you sense that she is uncomfortable then reconsider.

I would go to the first meeting at least. It sounds like a meet-up group rather than a support/therapy group, where you socialize with people with something in common (in this case women going through divorce), rather than sitting around talking intimate details with the group. I would guess people connect with others they may want to form a friendship with outside of the group, which is where personal sharing is more likely to take place (than it would in a social group).

It also may be a large group where you would have limited interactions with your co-worker, buffered by lots of other women. Or you may develop a closer friendship with your coworker as a result of this group. I worked in an admin capacity and was friends with and socialized with those in more "professional" positions, attorneys in my case. There was never a problem with that. Work was work and we were all professional about our roles when we were there. And we had friendships outside the office.

eta: I missed your latest post with more details about the group and your co-worker. Not sure my advice would change, but wanted to acknowledge that you'd already given details I was wondering about.

Oh, well then just reverse what I said and it is even better. If your employee trusts you and you can keep a line between your personal and professional life, then I would not mind if my trustworthy boss was in a women's group with me. Unless things got way too touchy feely at which point I probably wouldn't like it anyway.

I wouldn't go if I were you. I think the lines could be blurred.

So much food for thought. And everybody is right, which is what makes it challenging.

A bit more clarification: I’m in a large legal department and all of us from attorneys to admins report to the same boss. The admin is assigned to me, but isn’t technically my direct report. But that’s really so much splitting of hairs - she’s still subordinate and I want to respect that relationship.

For those who said it’s time for me to think about myself, I totally get that and I totally want to. I’ve tended to always consider myself last over the years, and it’s a habit I’m trying to break. Joining this group was one of those big steps for me. That being said . . .

I found out I am still the only one RSVP’d to the Sunday brunch, which I think is actually good. It gives me a chance to go and visit with the leader one-on-one, and perhaps I can get some ideas from her about other options for me. I’m going to err on the side of caution and not continue with the group after Sunday.

For those who say surely there must be more Meet-up groups, dang I wish you were right. There’s singles 20s-30s-40s, single women in their 60s, divorced moms, all-age singles groups that seem to only bowl or meet at a place called the “Solo Club” that from the street looks unchanged since 1974 (I’m envisioning a scruffier version of the key party from the movie The Ice Storm in that place). Then there are the outdoorsy singles, the lesbian singles, the minimalists, the cosplayers, the progressives, the wine people, the beer people . . . no group designed for single, child-free women in their fifties who don’t want to bowl or climb a mountain or drink all that much. (sigh). Something will turn up.

Having lived life for a long time as a childless single up until age 50, I sure get that. It's very difficult to make friends in midlife, particularly if you don't have kids so don't make friends with a social circle of parents, and parents often don't think or want to invite a single person into their social circle. Sad but true. I joke that most of my friends now are in their 80's--my parents' old friends since I have moved back to my home town. All the people my age (mid 50's +) are tied up with grandkids, or have moved away, or are scared to go out . . . (not really, just joking!) But if they are married, they also don't think to invite a single friend along. I have a single friend who won't even come to my house if I'm having a party, she says she doesn't know anyone . . .

Gosh, don't discount it or make a decision...

I think it's really good that you're doing this, and deciding that it won't work already, isn't such a good step for you.

You're equally as important as she is...

I would go to the wine one. It's not like you have to get drunk, right? I belonged to a book club once, and I was the only one that read the book....

The Solo Club sounds....questionable....to me...

Do you get a flyer/catalogue of all the adult classes offered in local high schools? In my area there are plenty of people in their fifties and from all walks of life that go. Maybe something in the arts? Painting, drawing, calligraphy or pottery? There is also dancing, music and other like learning a foreign language, photography, web design and cooking classes. It’s endless.

Justeri, I agree to following a passion, and maybe something will come out of it in terms of friends, but it isn't as likely as the Meetup groups. These women want to specifically reach out and make friends with like minded women where as a painting class, most are there because they want to paint as the primary reason for going.

Jak, I did have a feeling that your options might be limited which is why I encouraged you to go. And if women have already reached out to your admin, they must be a warm and welcoming group.

Jakabedy, If you are into local music, my church hosts a coffeehouse the second Saturday of every month. It is not a religious event, the church merely hosts it as a service to the community. The event is free and the refreshments are free with just a passing of the hat to cover expenses. This Saturday we will have Peter Neils as the headliner and Jim Kono to open. It is definitely a fun time. If you are interested, here is a link to the website. http://www.ssccoffeehouse.org/ You are also welcome to email me.

It can be hard to find a group in this area if you do not want to hike all the time and the problem I see with most of those meet up groups is they are a bit too limiting. One thing I love about GW is the diversity of people and I wish it were possible to find such diversity in my everday life.

Maybe it's time to organize a GW meet-up in your area.

Thanks everybody. I am going Sunday to the brunch and will gain a true perspective then. Following a passion and all . . . I am a musician, but I'm a bit in the cracks there as well. I do still play in one group in my old town an hour away. The options here are either the really good group where someone pretty much has to die for a spot to open, and the come-all band that has way, way too many folks playing on my instrument. But then these folks don't really socialize outside of the rehearsals, so . . .

Tish - thanks for the invite, and you are so correct about the hiking. So. Much. Hiking. And I agree there is potential in some of the other interest groups. But it is a challenge I think with a single mingling with couples (pinkmountain was spot on with that). Maybe not as taboo here in the west as it would have been if I were still back in the South, but not ideally what I was looking for. Single women are my comfort zone at present. Baby steps and all.

I wish there were a Junior League for the middle years.

Can you start your own meetup group for single child-free women in their 50s? I have no clue what's involved in doing so, but if it is as simple as posting a thing on a website to meet at a coffee shop or something, it might at least be worth a try...

My mother-in-law is in a sorority in her area. There's a bunch of women in their 50's and 60's in it. It's, like, a social sorority and they meet at each other's houses once a month for programs, do volunteer work, and have a "secret sister" they exchange presents with.. Some of them have kids/grandkids but some do not. It wasn't affiliated with a college or anything, just like a social group. Do you have anything like that where you live? I have no clue what hers is called, but I found this by googling, it is probably something like this: http://www.deltathetatau.org 

Beagles - I’m sure I could. But I’ve spent my life running, organizing, publicizing, policing every kind of group. I really just want to be an attendee and not a worker bee right now.

Many of yall’s other ideas are great. And if I’m to a point where I just want to be around bodies, I might consider them. Right now the commonality I’m focused on is other single/divorced women.

Please let us know how it goes...

Fingers crossed for you :)

Please keep us posted and let us know how things turn out.

That makes sense. Hopefully this group works out well for you or you can find someplace else that's a good fit!

Have you looked into community groups where you are? Rita's comment about Jr league is not far off. There is a women's club in my new town that has been in existence since 1915. I went to my first meeting last month and was surprised to find all ages and lifestyles represented - moms with young kids, women in their 80s and everything in between, married, divorced, widowed. I loved the real life mix as opposed to a homogeneous group. Are there newcomers or welcome groups? A friend of mine who is a lifelong resident here just joined the local welcome club to meet new people so you don't have to be a true newcomer. It's going to take a while with such a significant life change to get your feet under you but it will happen.