Oakley mentioned the word ”homesick”. It brought to mind a Welsh word, “hiraeth”. Hiraeth is kind of like homesick, it is the longing for something, someone, somewhere, from the past, that may or may not exist anymore, and that may never have existed.

Stan, I am in awe of your powerful writing, and intend to ruminate on it for a long time. Very wise, and precisely where I find myself.

Goodness Bpath, now I wonder if I have Welsh in me? lol Hiraeth is exactly what I'm talking about. I experience it every holiday because my immeditae family is so small, and I don't have any extended family in the state.

This is a wonderful article on the meaning of Hiraeth.

Stan, very eloquently said. I agree with most except this, "...encouraging others to "do the right thing" is exhausting and truly not our job,..."

I never give up on someone especially close to me & who will always be part of my life. Unconditional love and all that. :)

Oakley, I read that to mean giving up on the idea of changing someone else, not giving up on the person. Loving them as they are and accepting that we have no control over anyone but ourselves. That is what unconditional love is, to me.

Lucy, I am so very sorry for your brother in law. My best friend’s father was murdered and her brother died by suicide three years after that. It has taken many years and lots of therapy and support for her to get to a place of peace in her life. I’m praying that your brother in law can find that peace one day.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Stan. There's a lot of freedom that goes along with letting go in that way.

Lucy, my heart goes out to your brother-in-law and your whole family. So glad you'll be together at Christmas.

I just finished semester grading and co-chaired a two-day conference in DC, and I am exhausted! There are no Christmas decorations up, no cards sent, and few presents bought. I need to take this break to regroup both physically and mentally.

My black kitty is hanging in there; he has lived longer than we thought he would. He wants to eat, play, go outside, so we just give him his best life. My brothers are all struggling with fairly serious health issues. I just saw them a couple of weeks ago when I visited for our aunt's 90th birthday.

OTOH in DC I did take an evening to go see Cher and the Smithsonian Art Museum. So, in some respects that helped me feel like a normal person this week.

This conversation does bring to mind the Serenity Prayer, "Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. I am not an alcoholic but I have always thought this AA prayer was very wise. Like Olychick, I can't give up on the people I love but I also know there is only so much I can or should be expected to do. My heart goes out to all those who feeling depressed and sad. I think this time of the year makes it especially hard for those of us who have experienced a profound loss.

Oh, Lucy, how tragic! God rest her soul.

Wise words, Stan.

I think I have traveled through the dark emotions of the holidays and pretty much come through the other end. My childhood Christmases were the stuff of Hallmark movies, at least they were to my young eyes. Piles of gifts, good food, extended family in the house, a great-uncle who truly had us believing that there were reindeer on the lawn. It was magic in every way. I did my best to recreate this for my kids and they have happy memories, too.

After the kids grew up, life happened. The family shrunk though death, divorce and obligations to new families. I was so sad the first time I woke up by myself on Christmas morning. For years I had a major case of holiday blues, feeling like I was on the outside looking in.

Now I just enjoy the parts I like. I love the decorations, and the music ( but not too soon), and unfortunately the food! I get a kick out of seeing the excitement of little kids on my street and the get togethers with friends and neighbors. I do a little shopping but not much. I usually buy more for myself than others. The rest of it is all smoke and mirrors as far as I’m concerned.

I must admit I look forward to January 2nd, when sanity more or less returns, although then the weight loss ads start which depress me more than Christmas.

im sorry for those of you who have suffered tragic losses or the losses we all experience in the natural order of life. My own family has had early deaths to disease and one to suicide. I doubt anyone goes through life unscathed. This thread is very helpful in reminding us that we don’t live in a snow globe world. Thanks, Ida.

Thank you for sharing, Ded.. I could have written much of what you did above but I haven't had the clarity. I also had idyllic Christmases in my childhood-- even when money was VERY tight, my parents made sure to bring some magic to our home. A neighbor made reindeer noises and sometimes came as santa and we always had very special gifts under the tree. I know as an adult that mom and dad did most of their shopping after the Christmas bonuses which I know was great fun for my dad but must have been hella stressful for my mom! They always gave a lot of thought to what to give each of us-- it wasn't just a pile of toys. I remember receiving gifts specially chosen for my interests and developing skills-- wonderful books, "grown up" art supplies, a microscope. And it wasn't just gifts-- we had so many traditions and crafts and it was just a truly joyous time.

Sure, now that I am in my 50s single and without children, my holidays have been overshadowed by fears and sadness but I see this as a time to push through my emotions and rally to make Christmas just as special for everyone else-- not the same as it was when we were young but every bit as special. This year is especially hard-- my father is continuing to struggle with major cognitive issues and possibly dementia, my BIL/niece/nephew just this week lost their father/grandfather after a short but devastating illness.. my sister (who has been my partner elf) has been going 100 MPH tending to her family as her FIL died-- while also closing on a house and moving. And yeah, there's a divorce and work pressures and well all the kinds of stresses and disappointments that are always poorly timed but the realities of life. it would be easy to just hide away and indulge my emotions... but I can't allow myself that luxury. I DO think I will do as Ded has done-- make time to focus on the things that make ME happy. I think it's easy to get all caught up in what everyone else needs and enjoys and forget what I need and enjoy.

So while I don't feel like I need a safe haven for my emotions, I think it's good for me to acknowledge them and think about how I can bring my joy to my own holiday. I think sometimes part of my disappointment is that I wait for someone else to bring that joy. I will start by making gingerbread today-- one of my very favorite holiday treats and scents!

Beautiful post, Stan. Thank you for opening your heart and sharing with us. Merry Christmas to you and yours.

I hope if thinking others' lives are merrier than yours is causing you distress or jealousy at Christmas time you can let that go. Those feelings are encouraged by our consumer culture marketing an unreal and overly simplistic narrative to us. I let that go a long time ago and realized that I don't need Madison Ave. to tell me what is festive and meaningful to me, and if curling up on the sofa in sweats with a good book and a cup of mulled wine is enough for me, so be it.

Now it seems I'm oppressed by a lot of folks with the negative judgement of you if you're not making big deal out of the holiday. I try and spread my festiveness out, so I don't feel compelled to be somewhere or do something just because the end of December has been anointed for that purpose. This is coming from my family and close friends, the oppression. The hurt feelings and projection on to me that I am snubbing them, when in reality I am just tired, tired tired and there's no allowance for that on their part. I can understand why they might feel that way. I'm an extrovert who has been the fun-coordinator, life-of-the-party, get-together organizer, etc. all my adult life, and yet I too get burned out, tired, spent, etc. and everyone wants the ol' funster around, not the tired one who is just like everyone else and doesn't have the time and money or energy to do squat this year. The "what have you done for me lately" attitude in a lot of my relationships is sad. Not much credit for past time, energy and commitment deposits.

Not wanting to hog conversation, but it finally hit me the other day in the grocery store why I am so down in the dumps this holiday season. First of all, my town has gone through an economic gutting, so there is no more easy shopping local and seeing friends out and about. I remember how easy the holidays used to be when I was younger. I had grandparents, great aunts and uncles, aunts and uncles, cousins galore all a few hours drive away, and our town was filled with family friends from way back since my Dad was a home town boy. While sometimes weather was an issue for travel, getting together with family was relatively easy and my town was filled with familiar faces to share the holiday celebrations with.

Even though it was a small town, there were lots of shopping options with lots of types of goods and choices, shopping was fun. Not anymore, only a few stores all with the same stuff over and over and much of it very low quality. Nicer department stores have become a thing of the past in my region.

Now, ALL of that is gone. Practically everyone I mentioned is dead or has moved away. The few living relatives I have left are scattered very far away, and are too bogged down with their own family dramas for long distance travel. Last year we had a lovely holiday, my Dad was taken care of by his godson, and we were able to travel East to be with hubs family, some of my good friends, and one of my last remaining uncles and a cousin. This year, hubs house burned down and his son's family is full of drama over that and other kid oriented drama. I was so hopeful that would die down when they moved into hubs stable house that he gave them . . . my dad's godson is very ill so out of the picture right now, and my uncle just had a stroke and has to leave his home of many, many years for assisted living. So hubs and I must go our separate ways, with hubs spending his time out East and me staying here to look after Dad.

I don't want to leave my aged father alone for over a week, plus he is so worried about godson I want to take Dad to see him and I'm the only one around who looks after him. I have always been the only child, the only one upon whom all holiday cheer rested to deliver. And this year, I have finally come apart at the seams and there is no one else to fall back on . . . the unraveling of my connection to family and community.

Of course it ain't Syria or the border with Mexico, but I feel their pain too, acutely. We have a lovely church community locally, but they are all old and ties are dwindling there too with the remainders stretched thin. So instead of being a time of joy to be with folks, it is just a time of loss, loss, loss for me.

I'm not trying to be Debbie Downer either. I'm a big girl, I can soldier on and I can count my blessings and quit whining and maybe things will change for the better. But like a lone wolf, I'm not really feeling like I'm thriving right now.

I'm trying to imagine what this age was like for my grandparents and my parents, with all the losses. Still, during those times the younger generation was able to somehow find ways to come to them. For us it is no longer. We have to leave and travel far to be with family and friends even though we have a lovely home with room for guests.

Ipink, so sorry. Yes, this is the place to share these feelings, the very reason Ida started this thread. No need to apologize.

I feel for you pinkmountain.

For the first time in decades neither mother/grandmother will be at our home for Christmas dinner. They have both spent almost every Christmas Day for the past 35 years at our home for dinner. My mother's dementia has gotten to the point where it's less anxiety ridden for her to have her stay in her assisted living rather than bring her to my now unfamiliar home to have dinner with now unfamiliar people.

My MIL has been in the hospital for the last 2 1/2 weeks for a number of reasons and is being forced into an assisted living by the hospital staff and is not allowed to go home due to her now 24/7 nursing needs. Because of her needs she will be unable to leave her new home to come to our place for Christmas Day. Her other son will be able to spend the day with her and my DH will stop by sometime during the day to say hi.

We didn't know that last Christmas was the last time both moms/grandmothers would be at our home for dinner. I feel bad for my sons who will both be with us and who are having to recognize that no, grandma and nana won't always be here.

After all the older relatives died out for my parents, it was just me. I never particularly cared for that, I would show up and it was like, "Hey, your daughter is home, let the party begin." A lot of pressure for me to be the sole person carrying on all the holiday celebrating that used to be shared by friends and other relatives. However, I had other places to be and things to do and didn't have to watch over my parents. Now, it is just me and me alone. I have no children who will travel to see me, no relatives who will travel to visit, no nearby friends who will invite me over to celebrate. If I want any of that, I have to travel to them, no one is family enough to us to make it worth the trouble to visit us or invite us.

I have no problems being home alone with my Dad, it's just the realization that we are never going to have any of the younger generation take over the holiday hosting for us, they are 600 miles away and will never travel to our home either. I am no longer anyone's important kin, at least important enough that they come to me, instead of the other way around. Or important enough to get an invite to visit across the hundreds of miles. At least your moms have that Bfenton, family that can get over to visit them in the nursing homes. That is something that you should hang on to as about as good as it might be able to get for them. My uncle has to leave the NE and move to assisted living in FL where his son is. My dad is so sad over that being the end of the era in his family, my uncle was the last one still in his old home. But I try and console my Dad with the idea that moving the FL from NY is not the worst of fates, and my uncle has good family and people there. My Dad is more sad for himself, sad that those days are gone for him. I'm sad too, but try to console myself that we didn't take those good times for granted and that they had a life well lived there up into their 90's.

The solution to this grief would be to create new traditions with the younger generation, but I don't see that happening. I see the fabric of the community wearing thin . . . I have no one to pass Mom's story on to about visiting her Aunt on the farm and all the Aunts and cousins going for sleigh rides with the two draft horses pulling the sleigh. My grandmother had seven sisters and most would gather at my one great aunt and uncle's farm at holiday time because they had no children and doted on all their nieces and nephews. The twp sisters who moved out west would send care packages to all the nieces and nephews back in MI with hand knitted mittens and scarves and other presents. Sounds so magical. And now I'm crying because I can't remember the two draft horses names but it doesn't really matter because I have no one to tell the story to who cares one whit anyway, and certainly few opportunities or abilities to create those kinds of memories for the next generation. Heck, half the time there isn't even snow at Christmas and no one can imagine what it was like for the old Dodge car to have gotten stuck in a snowbank up the road from the farmhouse, and my uncle to have had to pull it out with a chain. The farmhouse burned several decades ago although the family that lived there rebuilt a house in the same spot. And it saddens me that I have no one to show the spot to anymore, where my great aunt and uncle farmed for decades and decades up the road from where my great grandparents also farmed. At family funerals I tell my cousin's grandkids such things and they stare off into space because they really have no idea nor care who I am. They are not attached to place or history.

"I was so sad the first time I woke up by myself on Christmas morning" This reminded me of the first Christmas after my husband died in May. I had traveled to visit my parents and extended family but was going home for actual Christmas. I was talking to my adult daughter (back at home) on the phone and she mentioned her plans for going to her inlaws etc and I could go with them Christmas Day. Well I felt so hurt and unloved in that moment, that she had not thought to ask me what I could even handle in my new grief. I sure didn't want to hang out with people I didn't know well when I wasn't sure I could prevent a crying meltdown at any moment. I was pretty irrationally thinking I was so unimportant to anyone etc etc. Poor me. I got off the phone quickly and bawled my eyes out, then decided to just extend my stay at parents and ended up having a lovely holiday with them and my sisters families. Best decision for that year. Side note, that was only the beginning of my expecting my daughter to somehow know what I needed in my aloneness. We had a rough time for a bit but that too passed. Big changes are hard and now that my parents are both gone the holidays seem really scaled back as people go their separate ways. Less people in each generation so the numbers do shrink. I need to appreciate that I do still have family to be with and let go of some of the strain that goes along with that sometimes. I wish you all peace in whatever form that takes for you.

I meant to add that when I was on the trip I was really dreading going home and waking up alone on Christmas! I had a lot of friends and support but that one thing really scared me.

Ipink, I'm at a crossroads of sorts this holiday season. Not to the extreme that you are, but I can at least feel some of the discontent and loss of your past that you're feeling.

I might suggest just getting through the next few weeks as best you can. Allow yourself to feel lonely and sad and longing for what used to be. That's ok and normal especially in this Rockwellian-in-your-face holiday season. But once 2020 arrives, identify in a more objective manner what it is that you're missing, and spend the new year--this new decade--seeking new ties and connections to fill this void you're feeling. I'm not sure what this would be or with whom, but it seems you need to find connections with others again. You may not find them with family members or old friends who have left town. But reach out and see if there aren't other avenues to explore. I have hope for you.

But, yes, spend the next few weeks feeling what you're feeling now, knowing it's real, but temporary.

I loved all our Christmases growing up (well, except the year I learned about Santa Claus) and into my adulthood, when I cohosted with my parents. One year Mom was mourning past Christmases, and I said how much fun they were, and she said but they were more fun than now. Nonsense, they are new memories for new people. One year, my son asked if he could bring a girlfriend for Christmas, and was crestfallen that that was one of the few years we were going to DH’s family in Canada. He so wanted to share ours with this girl. And now that we don’t host anymore, and no one else does, either, family members always tell me how much they miss them. i don’t take it to mean “gee, bpath, why don’t you get off your butt and host again?” But rather “those were good times”. This year, I’m finding that something we did last year will probably become a new tradition . . . Well, for another year, maybe, depending on how mom progresses. But, I wonder if we are insisting on bringing Christmas Eve to her for HER, or for US, to maintain that normalcy?

I wonder how my great-grandparents felt about such things? They were immigrants, and one of my grandparents was, too, and I wonder if they lamented how things were “in the old country”, and as time went by and new generations didn’t know the songs and prayers and toasts in the old language, how they felt about that? They loved their new country! But some things, in the home and around celebrations, you like to see your own traditions, right? And they saw that slip away, or at least change. I don’t know if they missed it or not. But I think, just because change is always happening, that every generation has a bit of melancholy for the past. I was sometimes interested in hearing stories, but people didn’t always want to tell them, and some years I was at “that stage” where I didn’t want to know. I wish I’d asked more questions. I sometimes felt like they had their little “club”, where they could tell jokes and gossip in their language, and leave out the younger generation. I wanted to know their language, but they didn’t use it in daily life, and no one had time or inclination to teach me. When I found about a thing called Concordia Language Villages, and that they were around when I was a kid, i was angry that no one thought to send me there. Was? Still am. They thought, why would you want to learn that language, when you live in America where we speak English? So maybe they didn’t mind things slipping away. They were, after all, a generation that left it all behind to forge ahead.

I understand the longing for family connections and the loss people feel for not having younger relatives who are interested in our/their history. It's a bit like having a family treasure that FINALLY is in your hands after it was the grandparents' then your parents' and now you. And knowing that not one single person in your lineage is going to understand how special it feels to you, nor are they interested in having it for themselves.

But I console myself by thinking of all the generations of people who have lived before us, those in our families and those in other families, who are not remembered by anyone. None of their experiences or memories or traditions or possessions live on. And that is okay. It's really okay that we have our little lives, do the best we can and someday we will be one of those forgotten.

I have a tiny family, just a couple of 1st cousins and their children, only one of them is even a tiny part of my life, but I've filled my life with people who are my chosen family and I am theirs. You don't have to be related to have meaningful people in your life. You don't have to be alone unless you chose to be. To have community, you have to make and contribute to community. There are a gazillion people without meaningful family relationships who also long for community. Find those people. To have a friend you have to be a friend. It gets more difficult as we age, but it's possible. Especially for women, as we tend to outlive our men (should we have a man) - so many women who are fabulous support for each other.

"And now I'm crying because I can't remember the two draft horses names but it doesn't really matter because I have no one to tell the story to who cares one whit anyway,"

You have us and I care a whit. I'll bet many of us can identify with you. Our society has changed where children and relatives that our parents and grandparents enjoyed being close with are no longer geographically close, or if they are, they seem so busy. Your friends start to die or have health problems and you realize you may only see your close loved ones less than ten or twenty times ever again! It can be depressing if you think of it.

I, too, think of all the stories we were told by relatives through the years and many will be lost. Your story about the horses and knitted mittens played in my mind's eye when reading it--so, it's not lost. There are others that can enjoy these stories and precious history, even if they are not relatives.

Might I suggest writing down or typing up your own memories of your life and memories that have been shared with you? I'll bet that at least in two or three generations someone will be thrilled to have them although it usually takes a few generations removed for someone to recognize and desire knowing about "their people." Many times I've considered doing just that, thought it a bit narcissistic, then decided how I would love a written history of memories from my great grandmother (never met any, only a great grandfather when very, very young) as to her memories growing up, what her life was like. Once family antiques with their stories are recorded my intent the coming year or two is to type up some of these memories.

They'll be in a box one day for someone if they're not thrown out, that is!

Hang in there, we all leave our mark and it's up to us how quickly it fades.

Yes, yes, yes, Stan.

Love the word 'CHERISHED'. That's really it. Everyone longs to feel cherished at certain times--holidays being one of those. I feel/hear the empty and I am sorry, I pray "this too will pass" for all of us!!! Ironically LOVE comes into the world at Christmas and if we could get back to knowing and FEELING how God cherishes each and everyone, well I think it would cure a lot of ills.

I‘m trying to keep a brave face. It is getting harder I’ve been going through some personal things. Dragging on. I feel overwhelmed. Financially things have gone from bad to worse. I feel like a failure.

Mid October there were 2 deaths on my husband’s side one in mine. My father was one of 13. There is only one aunt left. That got me remembering. Feeling sad.

I take care of my mom. She is 90. She’s got a very “woe is me” attitude (sounds like me right now). Found out my sister invited my brother down for a week. She came to get my mom for 2 weeks. I invited my brother and his partner Larry over. Larry texted back and told me my brother was going with my mom to my sister’s. They didn’t mention it.

Hey. Whatever. I’ve got to snap out of it but it’s hard.

Everything is a bumpy road. Nothing seems to be working out. I feel like there is a lesson I’m supposed to be learning but it’s not getting through this thick skull.

I have started seeing a therapist. Trying to do my walks and yoga. Trying to be positive. If only making believe.

Three moments in my life when I was overwhelmed with the feeling that God loved me too. That was each time I first beheld my children’s faces when they were born. They’re the reasons I keep trying.

I'm so sorry for all of you who are struggling this season.

I've been there, and there's something so doubly-painful about being sad at Christmas time.

For me, this is the first holiday season in about 5 years where I am actually happy and at peace. It's hard dealing with loss and grief around the holidays and it's even worse when the people you normally spend the holidays with are no longer here. The gatherings keep getting smaller and then one day you realize there is no one to gather with anymore.

I've been able to find new ways and new traditions to sustain me and bring me happiness. It wasn't easy and it took years, but I'm finally there.

Michele, God holds each one of us in unconditional positive regard. When our lives are going well, it's so easy to feel it's a blessing. When my children were born I thought I must have been a saint in a previous life to have been gifted such perfection. But that kind of thinking is pretty far off base. God did not bless me with perfect children. I was lucky. God is the author of my life in the sense that he ( yes, not technically a he) created life and for that I am supremely grateful. But he does not give out good things to the righteous and bad things to the wicked. Your unhappy circumstances at the moment are not a reflection of estrangement from God and his blessings. His blessings are love, as arcy said, and grace to get through the good and the bad. Family drama is awful, especially at the Holidays and with an ailing, demanding mother. Financial reversals are hard to bear too. None of these is a reflection of your worth. La roue tourne, Michele.

Thanks, Zalco. Merci. I know. I am having a bad moment here.

(((((( Everyone ))))))

It is so comforting to have this safe place. I was telling DH about how I’m feeling, and of course he wanted to give solutions and explanations, which were wonderful, but all I wanted was “I know, sweetie, it’s not easy, and what you wish would be nice.” Yes, I know better, but I took a chance on voicing it anyway.

Thank you for creating this safe place, IdaClaire. I have brought lots more tissues, for all who want some.

I haven't returned to post here lately, but am reading each new post and thinking of you all with love.

Oly, you said, "You don't have to be related to have meaningful people in your life. You don't have to be alone unless you choose to be. "

I have to disagree. Where I live you have to be related to have meaningful people in your life. I'm not talking about close friends who live in different states, but someone who lives near you.

When someone's alone it's due to circumstances in life, not of their choosing. Maybe there's no where to go to meet people, especially in rural America. That also includes Churches.

Nobody wants to be alone but they have no choice.

I'm sure that's true for some people Oakley. But I think there are many people who won't put themselves out to meet others, whether that's neighbors, people with similar interests, etc. but just lament that they have no relatives to be with for the holidays. There are too many people in the same boat - they just have to find each other.

I understand what you are saying Oakley. We used to have a weekend home upstate in a small town. It was very difficult to find a suitable social circle. It didn't matter as we often invited friends/family up, but if I had decided to live there full time it could be isolating.

That said, I agree with Oly. For those of us who are more shy/introverted, we do have to make more of an effort.

For me, it was saying yes instead of quickly saying no. Sometimes changing my schedule just to accept a twenty-minute coffee invitation.

We are contemplating moving in a few years to another state. We bought a 2nd home there and spend weekends/holidays there as a way to test it out.

While it's harder as adults to meet new people and make new friends, it is indeed possible. You just have to be willing to leave the house and actually work at it.

For me, my dogs are the natural connector to other people. Almost everyone I've met has been due to walking the dogs. But even if I didn't have them, I've gotten involved in my new local community in various ways and we are making new friends.

It absolutely can be done, but one has to work at it. It's not one of those things that will just fall in your lap.

I think for some, making meaningful connections does come down to impossibility, particularly in cases of those who are homebound or who suffer from debilitating depression. Actually, depression doesn't even have to be debilitating to have a devastating effect on one's social interactions. I think too, there are others (like myself at times) who simply opt not to put themselves out there, despite desire and good intention. For introverts and those who are socially awkward, It can be quite scary to take those risks, and it's so often just easier to stay in one's safe space ... with one's cats ... in one's comfy flannel pajamas. ;-) And truly? I am sorry for those who choose isolation and still feel it, including myself. We may bring it on ourselves much of the time, but that doesn't mean the disappointment and sense of being alone is comfortable.

^^^so true^^^

I also feel a disengagement at certain times of the year more so than at others. Thanksgiving and Christmas are prime examples of when the blues can really threaten to lay me low, and it's at those times that I often regret not having more of a connection to those around me. That said, once the holidays pass and things return to a relative level of normalcy, I don't give it that much thought and tend to feel much more even-keel and satisfied with how things are. There's just something about the holidays that intensifies perhaps a longing to BELONG that was never cemented in the other ten months of the year, and by the time November rolls around, it's just too damned late. Or at least it seems like it is. It's something of a defeatist cycle, to be sure, and may speak to a lifetime's history of the avoidance of discomfort. It's not necessarily an easy thing to fix.

My parents loved Christmas and my childhood was always full of wonderful memories. I remember the sound of the needle dropping down onto an album, and Christmas music beginning to play, by Mitch Miller, Bing Crosby, Perry Como, Dean Martin, Steve Lawrence, Andy Williams, Tony Bennett, and Johnny Mathis. We watched all the Christmas specials, as well as all the older black and white Christmas movies. My mother always taped up the colourful Christmas cards we received, to the oak trimmed archways in our home.

My childhood Christmas trees were always real, and filled our house with their wonderful scent. Along with the vintage ornaments, we actually strung real cranberries and popcorn on our tree, and loved adding the candy canes and glittering silver tinsel, which seems to be a thing of the past. At Christmastime, we always had large bowl of nuts in the shell, and nutcrackers, clementines, and 'Christmas candy' (little red and white striped hard mint candies) because we never had them any other time. We often went Christmas carolling in our neighbourhood.

Once my siblings and I grew up and moved out, it was never quite the same kind of Christmas, when we visited. My parents had downsized to a condo, which had carpeted floors, so the lovely fresh evergreen tree was replaced with a small artificial Christmas tree. Less space meant the hi-fi had been replaced with a CD player. Their condo had no wood trim around the archways between rooms. So the smell of a real tree, the sound of the needle dropping onto an album, and the lovely wood trim archways decorated with all the Christmas cards, was no more, once our childhood home was sold. Christmas carolling seemed to be a thing of the past, as well.

Shortly after my mother turned 70, she died suddenly, a few days after Christmas. After that, there was no more Christmas decor or music playing, for our visits in the years until my Dad passed away. He never came to visit at any of our homes for the holidays.

Of course we grown kids established our own traditions with our own families. My home is always decorated as much as the homes in a Hallmark movie, lol. Our children and grandchildren visit during the holidays, and we have lots of delicious meals, laughter, and Christmas movie watching.

But each year, for no good reason, I find myself feeling a bit of melancholy during the holidays. I guess a part of me will always miss the nostalgic feelings and excitement for the Christmas seasons of my youth. If my parents were still alive, I'd ask them if they experienced the same thing as adults, missing the nostalgia of the Christmases they'd shared with their parents and siblings.

amicus I think you are on to something. I have three offspring and we have had marvelous Christmas times and we will begin again today at noon. Hind sight is 20 20 and all, but still the innocence of childhood and the wonderment was magical. Passing that on is a good thing, even if it isn't quite the same.

Totally agree Ida. I hope what I wrote didn’t come across as “judgy.” I’m pragmatic and direct by nature so sometimes my writing comes across as more harsh than I intended.

It is definitely harder as an adult. I’m an introvert by nature too. But I need to have some friends and so I made an effort. It’s hard but it works. It’s not an overnight thing either. Nothing worthwhile ever is. :)

Amicus, I am touched by your post. I think that there is nothing quite like being the child.

I remember when I had my first daughter. I had family come to visit and it struck me. I am now the adult. The responsibilities that go along with having people over and being in charge is now on me.

A little bit of British humor for the season. In no way do I want to diminish anyone's feelings with this link. (Language NSFW--no captions available)

^^^Hahahahaha! Love it!

I just read something from an IG friend that made me think of this thread, so I thought I would share it here:

Acknowledging grief at Christmas is like showing up at the bouncy house castle part wearing a suit of armor and steel-toed combat boots.

-Melissa Dalton Bradford

I attended the funeral of my BIL's father-- my sister's FIL-- and my niece/nephew's PawPaw. It was not the way any of us wanted to spend our holiday but it was beautiful and heart warming to see how many people made time in their festivities to come honor another's life... and to offer comfort to the family.

Something the pastor said resonated with me-- perhaps cliché for the winter solstice but true-- yesterday was the shortest and darkest day of the year but that means each day after gets a little brighter.

OMG - that British video is a hoot!! How timely. I just decided today that I wasn't going to be one of those. The in-law siblings did invite us again for Christmas day. Ironically the email invite went into DH's spam folder and we just found out yesterday that we're invited after we made other plans. So I've reworked the plans and we will attend with gratitude and joy, thankful to be able to get together with the family. Seriously - I've realigned my expectations after my past experiences with some of the folks who will be there and I'm sure they will be exceeded and we will have a nice time. Merry Christmas!!

I'm too lazy to check if I said this before, but when we moved to this small town we had a lot of friends and stayed that way until our children grew up. Most kids here go to college and move back to raise their family. One of mine did too. Except we have no extended family here while our old friends have all sorts of family. And that's who they now get together with for holidays & other gatherings. No outsiders included, period.

To make matters worse, DS built a house close to us, his wife was and still is like a daughter to me, her parents and siblings became my family since I have no one on my side in the state. Best in-laws a person could ask for. Both families went to DS and wife's house every holiday. And then DS divorced her, and holidays aren't the same anymore. He has a fiancée now but I don't know her very well, so it's kind of lonely with no women to be with this time of the year. His fiancée is kind of standoffish so I have to give it time.

I should have expected it would be this way when my kids were little and their friends had birthday parties with only family, which included lots of cousins, aunts and uncles, grandparents. That was hard to explain to my kids, why they weren't invited.

When the kids were around 11 I did get a new BFF who moved here from out of state. They moved away a few years later for the reasons listed above. lol

There's nowhere to volunteer, nothing. Strangest place I've ever lived, but I hear it happens in other small rural towns. At least we're relatively close to a large city for entertainment.

Oakley you've written about your town before and I have to admit that it does sound rather foreign to me. Granted I'm in a suburb of Philadelphia and my opportunities for just about anything are endless. Philly is half an hour, the Atlantic Ocean is an hour's drive, the mountains are 2 1/2, New York City is 90 minutes.

I don't think I've encountered a place like you describe that's so insular. I'm curious - what is the population of your community? As for volunteer opportunities have you tried any of the online web sites that match volunteers? One of my friends moved to a small town in upstate PA and she made friends through those sites and also Meet Up.

Hopefully as you get to know your son's girlfriend she'll warm up. I imagine it's difficult for her too since she probably knows that you were close to the first wife.