aktillery9

How to move on when your boyfriend tells you he met someone else?

aktillery9
12 days ago

My boyfriend called me yesterday and we spoke about random things. I was trying to get off the phone when he told me he had something he needed to tell me.

He said he met someone else in his new neighborhood. I had posted on gardenweb some questions about his house he was remodeling. I spent so much time helping him. I gave him so much of myself and to hear that he met someone else was the biggest shock.

Now I am just sad and my self esteem is in the absolute gutter. To be honest, this past week I have had a gut feeling we were going to break up. Yesterday morning before speaking with him I even thought for the first time maybe he met someone else. It is weird how sometimes you just pick up on things. Maybe bc my husband did the exact same thing to me two and half years ago.

I know I am to practice self care and stay busy etc etc. However, I feel like I can barely move. I have had terrible luck in relationships. It is most certainly my poor choices.

I am currently not working and that does not help.... however it does in ways bc there is no way in the world I could go into a job and concentrate right now.

I feel pretty worthless and can not even envision any future. I know I sound pathetic but I am hurting so much.

I am completely lost and scared. I only have a couple of people with whom I would even want to talk to about this.

I am sorry for this most depressing post, but you guys have always been there for me and helped me.... so I guess I am hoping for something to help... suggestions....anything really.


Amy

Comments (153)

  • Arapaho-Rd
    10 days ago
    last modified: 10 days ago

    I've always wished the psychology of loving yourself, knowing your self-worth, being independent and able to live on your own were skills that could be taught starting at a young age. So many things in life hinge on how we feel about ourselves and how we cope with change, loss and disappointment.

    Amy, you are not alone in your struggle. Be kind to yourself. You are worth the investment.

    aktillery9 thanked Arapaho-Rd
  • Ocotillo
    9 days ago
    last modified: 9 days ago

    I'm so glad you're pursuing the teaching certificate! You will excel there, no doubt about it.

    I really understand the way you expressed your feeling of being "addicted" to this man. I went through that a couple (or more) times in my life as well, and it's hard to adequately describe to anyone on the outside looking in, but if you've ever experienced it, then you know what it's like, how it feels, how it MAKES you feel ... well, degraded, I guess. I still have a painful mental image of myself physically latched on to a young man as he was walking out the door to go, in a pitifully desperate attempt to make him stay. He was handsome beyond my wildest dreams, and the fact that he chose ME was very heady stuff. I truly believe I became addicted to the exciting surge he brought to my already-floundering self-esteem, and although it was a relationship that was short-lived, it was deeply painful and revealing to me. I was much younger then, and sometimes we can attribute these things to simply having not experienced enough of life to truly know ourselves, but I also recognize that I have long been uncertain of myself and my place in the overall scheme of things, and as such it did take me a bit of time to really learn my worth.

    But I did.

    And that's not to say that I won't make other missteps, but I will endeavor not to cling -- especially, for the love of God, in an actual physical manner. If someone is intent on walking out that door ... let them.

    aktillery9 thanked Ocotillo
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  • Ocotillo
    9 days ago

    Oh, and by the way, I have been married three times. I have been so ashamed of that fact for so many years, but lately I have decided I'm going to own it. I don't owe anyone an explanation for how or why there were two failed marriages (I've been married now for almost 17 years), but they are a part of my story ... my JOURNEY ... and they are not shameful in the least. They helped make me me, just as yours helped make you YOU, Amy.

    aktillery9 thanked Ocotillo
  • smhinnb
    9 days ago

    Hi Amy, I don't post here a lot, but I too wanted to wish you the best. Your kind nature is apparent in your posts, and I'm sorry you are hurting. I too was involved in a sometimes exhilarating, often toxic relationship for a long time... I was taken advantage of, neglected, cheated on, and I compromised who I was for scraps of attention. But goodness I adored him. When it finally ended I literally thought I would die. And then, some time later, I met my (now) husband. We've been happily married for just over 20 years. Really happily married. He is my best friend, and the best person I know. I ran into previous-BF a few years ago at the airport, and I honestly don't know WTF I was thinking back in the day... and I'm so SO thankful that I dodged that bullet. What is that Garth Brooks song about Thanking God for unanswered prayers?? Take all the time that you want or need.. focus on your own happiness and fulfillment, and you just never know what might happen in the future. And in the meantime, working on your teaching certificate is a fantastic choice.

    Take care of yourself.

    aktillery9 thanked smhinnb
  • aktillery9
    Original Author
    9 days ago

    I had a hard morning. My friend begged me to come over and said she would even pick me up.

    I said I was too scared to leave my apartment. I know that sounds nuts.

    A few minutes later her husband wrote me and said I should not isolate and to put on some pants and get my ass over there. That worked!

    I sat outside and cried and talked with her and helped her put away some last minute Christmas items and helped with some cooking.

    SO... I got out for 4 hours. It is a beautiful day. I still felt sad but I was not alone.

    We discussed at length the priority of finding a good therapist and that being my first goal.


    I just wanted to share.


    If I start bugging anyone with my little updates feel free to let me know. ;)

  • Olychick
    9 days ago

    I think so many here are very fond of you and love seeing your updates! Glad you have such good friends in the flesh, too.

    aktillery9 thanked Olychick
  • eld6161
    9 days ago

    Yes, please keep us in the loop.

  • 1929Spanish-GW
    9 days ago

    You will not be bugging any of us!

  • daisychain01
    9 days ago

    aktillery, I am so glad you are here and also getting out with friends. You have to love those true friends who won't take no for an answer.

    It also sounds like you are being self-reflective. And while, it's good to reflect on past behaviour in order to move ahead positively, just make sure you're not being hard on yourself at a time when you need a lot of self-love. Take care.

    aktillery9 thanked daisychain01
  • DLM2000-GW
    9 days ago

    I'm glad your friends invited you and insisted - good friends - and that you are getting encouragement to seek therapy. There is no safer place to vent and give updates, as frequently as you want or need, than here and

    aktillery9 thanked DLM2000-GW
  • Kswl 2
    9 days ago
    last modified: 9 days ago

    Good friends are worth more than gold! And good people have good friends ❤️

    aktillery9 thanked Kswl 2
  • nosoccermom
    9 days ago
    last modified: 9 days ago

    Just checking in after a lengthy absence from this forum. I’m so sorry you‘re going through this and wanted to say: Hang in there!

    The fact that you are making plans to work on your teaching certificate, seek counseling, self reflect , and meet with friends are all a testament to your strength.

    You know that you deserve better!


    Sending hugs and good wishes.

  • gardener123wewantsophie
    9 days ago

    AKT, many people posted because you are so well-regarded and appreciated. Personalities come through here, and clearly you are kind, talented, helpful, and smart. You will be a wonderful teacher, and can be successful at whatever you commit to.

    I am not sure if it is healthy to try and figure it out or to just stop thinking about it so much.

    In response to your comment, I vote for both. I'm so glad your friend's husband got you out of the house. Sounds like they are wise counsel. A change of scenery is so therapeutic. Put on a hat, mask, and sunglasses and get some fresh air. No one will know if your eyes are red. Some happy, bouncy music. Get outside of your head.

    As others mentioned, thankfully you are very self-aware. That bodes well for a bright future. But don't dwell too much. If you want to carefully weigh future decisions, you will. And you have at least one good friend that sounds like she has a good perspective.

    It's especially tough with covid isolation right now. I think it would be fair for you to blame some of the intensity of your feelings on what's going on in the world. Plus, people can be a disappointment.

    Stay away from the news. Listen to music. Watch I Love Lucy. 10 minute Nike stretch app. Looking forward to seeing more updates.

    aktillery9 thanked gardener123wewantsophie
  • aktillery9
    Original Author
    9 days ago

    I’m not sure how but I had a huge epiphany this afternoon.

    I decided I must and will work on my attitude towards myself and taking my power back. When I think of him I just stay stop it. It’s working pretty well thus far. Who knows what tomorrow will bring but I’m going to really try and take control of my thoughts and be positive.

    I wholeheartedly think l I can do this. I believe in myself and I believe I’ll see him for the addiction he was and not someone I truly loved. I’ve done it before and I know I can do it again. I’ve fought through many tough battles and have made it through each of them. I know I have the strength in me. I’m done doubting myself.

    Next... see a therapist ASAP. Gotta keep up my momentum.

    Keep your fingers crossed for me.

    Thank you all for listening and all the support! You’ve helped me more than you know.

    Xo

    Amy

  • Bestyears
    9 days ago

    That sounds awesome!!!! I really think this approach will get you healthy! Keep building the habit... bad thought, bam! And while you're there, toss in a few good thoughts about yourself. My favorite line of your post, "I'm done doubting myself."

    aktillery9 thanked Bestyears
  • aktillery9
    Original Author
    9 days ago

    Thank you Best!!

  • gsciencechick
    9 days ago

    Thanks for all these updates. You can probably start with a course or two online with the teaching certificate and lot of these are geared towards adult learners.

    aktillery9 thanked gsciencechick
  • lascatx
    9 days ago

    Glad you are doing better - and focussing on you. As far as past relationships or marriages - the only failure is not to love, so you have not failed.


    Will you be single forever? Dunno -- but I do believe the best way to find a healthy relationship is to be okay with being on your own. I told my sister that when she divorced, but she was dating a guy before the divorce was final. She needed to feel wanted -- maybe that's the addiction you were feeling? Wanting to be wanted? Nothing wrong with that -- but being happy with yourself and okay with being alone will mean you can make sound decisions on what works for you and what doesn't in a relationship -- a different perspective on what you are changing to be in a relationship and whether than is really okay. You may not realize it, but you turned a big corner!


    Kudos on teaching! Any thoughts on what or where you would teach -- what level? Hiring for first year teachers can be a bit wild. My son and SIL as well as some friends are teachers. I will help you get input or help if I can. I can see you making such an impact and loving it. Keep up the good work!

    aktillery9 thanked lascatx
  • aktillery9
    Original Author
    9 days ago

    Las, I am considering teaching English to 7th graders. I live in Texas. I do not think I could handle high schoolers.

    I just wished it could be like it used to be, not haivng to teach through a computer screen. That is the part that makes it seem less enjoyable than having a real classroom.


    I would love some input and advice. This is all very new to me and any tips or thoughts are extremely welcomed!

  • happy2b…gw
    9 days ago
    last modified: 9 days ago

    Amy,

    I think you said you have a college degree, so I will start there. I am a former teacher, coincidentally English 7 mostly. Good places to start gathering information are the state and local Department of Education websites. There you will find the certification requirements. This will help you know what courses you need to take. Also look for or ask about partnerships with universities that offer certification with a masters degree. In my district the partnerships have offered excellent teaching, mentors, and paid teaching supervised interships and a position. Often the partnerships lead to certification in special ed and other areas where there are teacher shortages. The local school districts also list job descriptions and openings. Becoming a para educator or substitute teacher gets your foot in the door as well as income and experience. Neither of these positions require teaching certification in most locales. Learn about how to apply for positions. See something interesting go for it. Also speak to or email someone on both the state and local levels; introduce yourself and ask a lot of questions.

    And yes middle school rocks.

    aktillery9 thanked happy2b…gw
  • Peppapoodle
    9 days ago

    Your updates sound very promising!!

    A goal professionally

    A goal mentally

    A new thought process

    And some socialization

    I went thru, guess it was a mid-life crisis. Lost my identity. I went back to nursing school & was almost 40 when I graduated.

    Ive had a very rewarding career in nursing that has led to a wonderful position where I really feel like I am making a difference in improving people’s lives.


    I think we can all relate to how your feeling. You are not alone. And we are here to support you ❤️

    aktillery9 thanked Peppapoodle
  • aktillery9
    Original Author
    9 days ago

    Happy,

    I have a Masters in Counseling. When I got my degree it involved a ton of education geared courses because it was a pretty new program. At the end we were allowed to choose if we wanted it to say a Masters in Counseling or Education. I chose Counseling.


    I have been talking with a friend who is now in HR for one of the school districts. He has guided me and helped me immensely. He recommended two alternative teaching certificate programs.

    I would essentially finsih each session/part online and it would take approximatately 9 months.

    I would then go into teaching with a salary and benefits.


    After teachin one or two years I would then be able to be a school counselor which is my ultimate goal. I would have to study and take another certification to do that.


    I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences about teaching and particularly 7th grade English.


    If you could PM me I would love that!

    Amy

  • aktillery9
    Original Author
    9 days ago

    Again thank you all for your support and encouragement. The people on gardenweb truly have the biggest hearts. I always know I can come here and discuss difficult times. It is such a safe and warm space.

    I have been a memeber of GW since 2000. It was one the best things I ever did.

    Each and every one of you who took the time to write and who have messaged me makes this situation so much more bearable.

    Still feeling good and strong this morning! I hope I can maintain and continue to follow the path of taking back control and to start loving myself again.

  • Ocotillo
    9 days ago

    It's a wonderful day and it belongs to you. Go get it! ❤

    aktillery9 thanked Ocotillo
  • aktillery9
    Original Author
    9 days ago

    Ocotillo, what a wonderful thing to say! Thank you. I plan on it!!!!

  • Tina Marie
    9 days ago

    See, you have a plan and are moving forward! Good luck on your career path. I know you will be great!

    aktillery9 thanked Tina Marie
  • nosoccermom
    9 days ago

    Would you consider ESL? A friend of mine said it was the most rewarding subject because the students were super motivated and grateful.


    Also, not by THE Socrates but still a great motto:

    “The secret of change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”



    aktillery9 thanked nosoccermom
  • aktillery9
    Original Author
    9 days ago

    Nosoccer,

    I have considered it. I wiil look into again. Thanks for the suggestion!

  • lizzie_grow
    9 days ago
    last modified: 8 days ago

    My DD got a teaching certificate online. You will cruise through the info with your background. She was a classroom asst. prior to doing this & her BA was in Christian Education. She does not have a Master's. I like your plan & am wowed by how motivated you are!!! She used Western Governor's & actually was able to go through it ahead of schedule.

    aktillery9 thanked lizzie_grow
  • Arapaho-Rd
    9 days ago

    Amy, I want you to know that by sharing your story, you've connected with me in ways that you could never know. Your strength to come here and write in words what was happening in your life and describing your feelings about it resonated with me. That takes strength and courage. So you have what it takes to rise above this and become even stronger. Things always happen for a reason and out of bad can come good. It's already happening for you simply by taking the step to write your honest thoughts here. So thank you for that! Your epiphany and motivation to rise out of this is meaningful and inspiring to myself and others. Here's a wonderful quote I try to remember:



    aktillery9 thanked Arapaho-Rd
  • Bestyears
    9 days ago

    Okay, I have some specific advice for you here. I, too, live in Texas, and I decided to take on teaching as a second career after staying home with the kiddoes for many years. I have a Bachelor's degree but needed a teaching certificate to teach in Texas. So I did an online alternative certification program called iTeachTexas, which requires only a Bachelor's degree to get started Here's a link: iTeachTexas. I found them to be well-organized and to offer good content, and I did it all from the comfort of my home. At the end of that process (a few months), I took the EC-4 state test. The EC-4 stands for Early Childhood to Grade 4. I think the next text covers grades 5-8, and so on. If you are so inclined, taking multiple tests will give you the most flexibility for hiring.


    You do not need to do student teaching to earn an alternative certificate, but a friend of mine was a longtime teacher and now principal, and highly recommended it. I'm grateful I listened to her. It is the single most important thing I did. iTeach Texas made the arrangements, and I had to pay an additional fee (around $2500 I think) and work for free for a total of 14 weeks (7 in one classroom and 7 in another). But there is really no other way to learn true classroom management. If you can afford it, I highly recommend it. I truly hit the ground running.


    As another poster mentioned, I think you should seriously consider teaching ESL. For the last few years of my career, I taught for Houston Community College in their Adult Ed dept. I taught GED prep, but our little campus also taught ESL classes, and we teachers were all a close bunch. You will not find a more grateful group of students anywhere. In Texas, Adult Ed and ESL comes under the Texas Workforce Commission, (rather than TEA), so we did not have to collect grades. We just had to document progress by administering tests at the beginning and end of each 13-week course. No grading and no parent conferences means you will spend 95% of your time teaching, unlike traditional classroom teaching where more and more of your time is spent on rather thankless administrative tasks. It was not only the most enjoyable teaching I did, but the only one where I truly worked just the hours they paid me for (not evenings and weekends planning, grading, etc. as a classroom teacher's job demands).


    So... how to find a job like that? Many community colleges and other private organizations teach ESL. In the Houston area, many of our corporations (who recruit from all over the world), provide links to these private programs for their employees and their spouses. I would start by looking at your community colleges. Many of them have public hiring boards you can view online. Contact them and find out what the hiring criteria is. Because it's TWC, not TEA, you may not even need a license! Our campus did not require a teaching license, but the pay grade was slightly higher for licensed teachers (even in my case although my license was only for 4th grade and below). Also, to clear up a common myth: most of our ESL teachers spoke only English, or sometimes one other language. We often had more than 20 languages represented in a single classroom, but speaking those languages is neither a prerequisite nor particularly helpful in teaching ESL. There are many volunteer literacy and ESL resources in most communities. You could volunteer there both to gain some relevant experience and to test the waters. If I had it to do over, and knew about this world, I would have started my teaching career there.


    Wishing you lots of luck!

  • Star Jeep
    9 days ago

    Have you considered teaching internationally? Maybe after this pandemic is over you could start a whole new adventure! Being single does have its perks... you're free to chart your own course for the future. The possibilities are endless.

    aktillery9 thanked Star Jeep
  • roarah
    8 days ago

    I am floored by this community! And Amy you are doing everything right! Your future is bright. You got this! Xo

    aktillery9 thanked roarah
  • teeda
    8 days ago

    So glad to hear that you're starting to feel better Amy. As you have proven before, you are a smart, strong and resilient woman. Good for you for embarking on a career change. Sounds like you are getting lots of good advice regarding certification. I just retired from a long and rewarding career in education. Started out in early childhood special education then got another Master's in social work which eventually led me into administration at the regional level. I have a clinical license but choose not to practice, instead I'm working as an ed consultant a few hours a week. There are lots of paths to go down in education now. Also, I hired a lot of school counselors, and will tell you that candidates with more life experience (i.e. "older"!) were usually the best. Good luck!!

    aktillery9 thanked teeda
  • aktillery9
    Original Author
    8 days ago

    Arapaho, what a wonderful post to read. That mkes me feel so good inside! Thank you.


    Bestyears, I would really love to talk more with you regarding the information and knowledge you shared about ESL.


    Star Jeep, yes I have considered it but it would be maybe more of something I would have loved when I was younger. I also have pets and can not really think of leaving them.


    Roarah, I am floored as well. It is a slice of heaven here.


    Teeda, thanks for sharing your career experiences. Also thatnks for the kind words!


    Lizzie, thanks for sharing and the kind thoughts!


    I wish I could write to each and everyone of you. Just know each and every post means the world to me. Such wonderful support here and great advice and info!


    HUGE ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) to you ALL!

  • aktillery9
    Original Author
    8 days ago

    Bestyears, I tried to PM you but am unable to do so. I would really love to talk more if you are so inclined.

    Thanks!

    Amy

  • Faron79
    8 days ago

    AKT-


    I know this might not mean as much coming from a GUY, but here goes....


    You seem so NICE!!! You converse well, are humorous, MANY people like you, & well.......here goes......I think you're VERY pretty (yes, I'm married, & not trying to be creepy!!)! I'm not blind either! Any Man would be lucky to be part of your world!

    Regards,

    Faron

    aktillery9 thanked Faron79
  • aktillery9
    Original Author
    8 days ago

    Faron,

    thank you! I appreciate it so much. You’re too kind.

  • lascatx
    7 days ago
    last modified: 7 days ago

    I can't tell you more about the certification programs than you have already been told. My son went the direct route and what he knows has come from people around him. I know he would totally agree with student teaching if at all possible. Teaching that first year is tough even with student teaching. You might even consider substitute teaching between now and then. I read our school district had a large shortage of substitute teachers last fall.

    Sounds like you are well on your way to a new plan and a new life. Your students are going to be lucky to have someone with so much compassion and enthusiasm.

    aktillery9 thanked lascatx
  • aktillery9
    Original Author
    7 days ago

    Thanks Las! I will keep you guys updated.

  • lascatx
    6 days ago

    BTW -- I think you should start a new thread for updates. You ARE moving on!

  • Tina Marie
    6 days ago

    Substituting is a great idea!

    aktillery9 thanked Tina Marie
  • raee_gw zone 5b-6a Ohio
    6 days ago

    I thought of you when I heard a need for teachers/tutors being discussed on the radio. There is a company that is focusing on assisting remote learners and home schoolers with instruction and tutoring - they were talking about how they are growing rapidly but are having trouble getting enough people to work with the students. I thought it was on a local NPR station program, but I can't find a reference to it now.

    Perhaps you can google?

    aktillery9 thanked raee_gw zone 5b-6a Ohio
  • bpath
    6 days ago

    When I was in Texas I took a master's in ESL, but I never actually got my teaching certificate. I was planning to get an emergency certificate (this was in the '80s boom there). I ended up doing something else for a career, but can still highly recommend ESL. Combined with middle school English and counseling, and you'd be very employable in a variety of schools! Have you heard of Fusion Schools? They have a 1:1 model, and families use them for a wide variety of reasons.

    Star Jeep mentioned international teaching. My brother switched to it in his late 40s, and loves it. He meets the most interesting people from all over the world, has some amazing experiences, and changes locations about every 3-4 years. He has no pets, though.

    aktillery9 thanked bpath
  • pricklypearcactus
    5 days ago

    Just wanted to pop in and say that I hope your pain subsides quickly. It has been a very long time since I've been through a breakup so I don't really have any sage advice. Thankfully others here seem to have that covered. But I wanted to offer my sympathies and sincere hope that your heart heals soon and that someday you find someone worthy of you.

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  • oldbat2be
    yesterday

    I just saw this today Amy - very much hope you are feeling better and starting to heal. FWIW, exercise helps keeps me sane and I'm always happiest with a project. You are very talented - I have loved seeing your design ideas, staging, projects, etc. over the years. What can you work on now, which would be rewarding to you? Have you ever considered becoming a designer, even part time? I'd sign up for a couple of hours! ((Hugs)) -Karen

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  • aktillery9
    Original Author
    yesterday

    Thanks Karen! I am feeling better but still have my low moments for sure. I am really trying to work on my mindset. It is good but can be exhausting. I am constantly trying to push out the sad and dark thoughts. Just taking things day by day.


    I do not think being a designer would be a possibility for me given I have no formal experience, no degree etc and I feel doing it as a job would take all of the fun out of it. I did do some staging for a while and it was hard work and I started to loathe it.


    I am currently working on getting into a an alternative teaching certification program. I have my Masters in Counseling and would like to ultimately be a school counselor. I would have to first teach for two years. I am trying to figure out which route I would like to go in teaching (grade levels and subject matter).


    I do need to get out and exercise more. I have never been big on exercising but need to try and start. I do love nature and agree that being out in nature is a great help to lift one's spirits!

  • nosoccermom
    yesterday

    I’be been using my phone step tracker, and it’s been a huge motivator to go on hikes/walks.

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  • Bunny
    yesterday

    Amy, until I got an AppleWatch I deluded myself that I got out and exercised more than I did. Now I walk every day without fail. My AW nags me from my wrist and it works! Throughout the pandemic I'm outside everyday and I can't say enough how it lifts my spirits. No matter what I have on the agenda (and it usually ain't much), I have to work in my walk. It's a priority.

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  • aktillery9
    Original Author
    yesterday

    I appluad you both (Bunny and Nosoccer). I need to be more like you guys!!