Roarah,

I am so sorry to hear of your dear daughter's struggles. Thank goodness she has you to love and support her so fiercely. I think many people misunderstand these issues, and misunderstand how well-meaning advice can be very harmful for many young people. Even the medical establishment doesn't really understand much at all about nutrition, dysmorphia, anorexia and obesity. The conventional advice many of us grew up with has been debunked.

Please do not blame yourself with statements like "I was setting a very unhealthy example for her after my stroke by only eating low fat and low carb foods between 8 am and 7 pm and never missing my daily exercise." This is an understandable reaction to your health issue, and was probably lauded by your doctor. No one could have predicted how it might effect your daughter --- if in fact it did at all.

The hardest thing about being a parent is sometimes feeling helpless. You have moved heaven and earth to help your daughter, and I am so thankful she has been improving! My heart goes out to your family dear Roarah, and to all those who have shared their stories here.

Roarah, I am so sorry to read this. We have had students go off on the obsessive part, as you imagine this can happen with student-athletes and some involved in fitness. Eating disorders can also happen to women who are in their 30’s and 40’s as they get involved in things like running and triathlons, that it can turn to an unhealthy obsession. Men who compete in distance events and other sports like wrestling or MMA can also have eating disorders. And social media feeds it a lot on pro-ana sites though sometimes they can be shut down. I am glad to her an RD is helping with this and the plan seems to be working.

I try not to let any other people lessen my joy and this spot is persistently a place I enjoy visiting. Keep coming please Ally and Jinx!

I so agree. The one or two people here shouldn't take precedence over the good that happens here.

roarah your grace in the face of an ignorant diatribe attempting to cast doubt on you, your daughter and your situation is inspiring.

As for the offender, I don't even have to question this any longer. It's apparent she has no decency.

@DLM2000-GW I agree. I shudder when I think of her working with children and spreading her vile thoughts. I don't think (at this point), ignoring is enabling. Many of us have tried to reason with her in the past and it doesn't do any good. I refuse to bring myself to her level.

FWIW, teens are experiencing a surge in mental health issues after the stress of the past couple years.

And I agree roarah's daughter may not have been trying to mimic her mom's eating habits, but consider the strain and worry of her mother suffering a stroke, her dad having cancer, and the impact of that.

I think we often forget how much kids are affected by things because they react and behave in ways that are usually different than adults.

And I am generally content with someone else's righteous and appropriate response to troll behavior without feeling I need to pile on.

Sadly, being attacked is often a troll's goal, and relished because it reinforces a feeling of specialness.

I have two friends right now, that are struggling with one a daughter and the other a son, who they have to watch very closely as their weight gets very low. One is a cheerleader at a major university-and knows other cheerleaders with the same problem. My friends-their moms, aren't overly concerned with their own weight and seem to have a healthy outlook and always have, on food. One of their kids is a freshmen in college and the other is still in highschool. The one in highschool use to be overweight and has totally lost reality of how skinny he is. I am more worried about him, right now. I feel Roarah's pain and it is SO HARD to cope in especially today's times-with social media etc.

jinx, please know-I feel the same way about your comment about poster above-I've said ignore her also BECAUSE... you and others here, are so good about ignoring comments from especially one of your favorite "poster friends" on here when she makes disgusting comments also-albeit a little more elequently, to be sure-but I never see anyone say anything about her, maybe because she always toots your horn and agrees with everything you say I guess-but that doesn't discount the fact she is crass and disgusting to other people she does not agree with or dislikes. Your comment would be much more appreciated by me if it went both ways. So, you may just have to suck it up, like I (and a few others) have too.

roarah, I read your post yesterday while travelling and have thought about you, your daughter, and your family ever since. What you shared was very brave, very, very powerful and for me--very informative. I can't imagine what these past months have been like for you. As others have said, seeing our children hurt, ill, suffering or in any kind of danger is one of the most difficult things to face in life. The protective instict is an amazing thing.

I am so impressed with the way you have responded. I know you are a reader and researcher and I'm sure being able to gather together as much information as you can has invaluable to your daughters treatment. And to also be there-- moment to moment, modeling and supporting and comforting day after day is such a demonstration of parental love and commitment that it brings a lump to my throat. If only every child going through a significant crisis could have this experience . . .

Sending you and your family prayers for health, strength, comfort and joy.

Carol I agree with you. I do believe my daughter’s diagnosed preexisting anxiety disorder plays a part in her illness equally as our diet centric society did. I believe my genetics, history, behaviors and her PTSD of witnessing my stroke and having to leave me behind in a Florida ICU to go home to Connecticut also played a big part.

Arcy is correct it is similar to an alcoholic taking their first drink and some can drink without an issue( far less than we accept though in my opinion) but when we know there is a preexisting family history of addiction we try and keep our kids from taking that first drink, hit , pill, needle or line of a addictive substance. The same is never cautioned for diets. It is my hope that another parent, sister, brother, medical provider, or teacher might see this post and be able to prevent a child from ever starting a diet.

Ollie, I have no idea what you’re referring to, but your personal grudges and resentments towards me are well noted and there's nothing I can do about that. It wouldn’t matter how I post or who to, you still wouldn’t like me. I can live with that. Have a nice day.

(Edited for typo.)

jinx, I have no grudges against you and happen to like you-even though I disagree with you on some points. I read your post above about the poster and I was responding to your post. That you don't know who I am talking about speaks volumes as to the double-standard here. It's just you and others who have posted about arcy accept so-called disgusting and bad behavior from some and not from others.

I have family and friends whom I love and whom love me yet we see every social and political issue very differently. I know I can not likely change their opinion nor them mine but I do believe my listening and trying to understand where the opposing opinion comes from helps inform, question, research and strengthen my opinions by making me challange myself to be certain that my views are not only emotionally based but fact based. I think this helps me separate my opinion of a person’s worth vs my opinion of the worthlessness of their counter beliefs.

Please, everyone, this thread is too important to risk being derailed by a single heartless person. Please, please ignore her and let this supportive thread stay.

Ollie, very few of us here can say we haven’t behaved badly at times. Me, you, others. Passion and tensions can rise and we let it out. You have certainly done what you’re accusing me of — it’s the nature of a well-populated message board full of people with a variety of personalities, backgrounds, experiences, etc in the mix. And of course people with similar likes and such will gravitate to and relate more to each other. Any type of society is like that. I still don’t know ”who” is being referred to in my case and don’t need to.

All of that is much, much different than years of unprovoked and vile trollish behavior by one individual.

Thank you for saying you like me (I sincerely mean that and appreciate it).

Roarah, once again my deepest apologies for my part in taking this off track. This will be my last post in this manner, I just want to support you.

Just an FYI, my last comment was really meant for myself. I am biting my tongue.

The post’s tangents are actually very important they help bring to light the lack of knowledge and information surrounding dieting, addiction, eating disorders and transgender difficulties and lack of support and services available for our younger populations. A healthy discussion should always include differing opinions.

Roarah, I'm so sorry you and your daughter are dealing with this destructive behavior. Your post brought tears to my eyes as my daughter also struggled with self harming behaviors in high school and spent 3 weeks in an inpatient facility on suicide watch. It is incredibly difficult to watch your child go through such a thing. My daughter is now 27 and healthy. It took an incredible amount of support from professionals, family and friends for both of us to get to where we are now.

Thank you for sharing your story here. This is truly a special place with such supportive souls. I wish you and your daughter the best healthy lives.

I saw an article the other day (I say saw, not read because I skimmed it) about Kim K's overly strict way that she restricts her children's diet. She insists on a rigid sugar free, gluten free vegan diet for her children. The really disturbing thing to me were all the comments defending her "healthy" lifestyle, which is practically the definition of orthorexia.

Czarinalex, I am so grateful your daughter survived and is now well! Her recovery is a testament of your love and strength!

I feel for all the kadasian and jenner children. I know others see them as exploiters and narcissitic but I see them as victims of a voyeristic society forcing perfection of its idols and parents who chose to do a ”reality” show while they were still too young to choose for themselves. I state this though without ever watching or following a single show or tweet.

I so agree, Roarah. Ditto internet influencers. They exploit their minor children for monetary gain, and fame, and I just don’t understand why there’s no law against it.

There is a book out authored by a woman whose mom was an early and well-known ’mommy blogger’. I haven’t read it (and can’t remember her name), but the synopsis I saw related how damaging it was to her and always will be. It completely guided the trajectory of her life, and not in a good way.

I think child actors and models face the same issues as well. It is not a life I envy.

Roarah, I am so sad to read your post. My heart is with you, your DD and your family as you navigate these waters. I truly admire your courage in writing here and sharing your great wealth of knowledge with others. Please continue to do so. And to all of you who have struggled with your children in pain and shared your stories, a huge hug.

As a grandmother, I feel removed from much of this, yet also concerned for the generations growing up now. I know our grandaughters have seen friends in this situation and they even felt helpless regarding their friends.

Outside, I actually think my daughter’s diagnosis is harder for my parents then it is for my husband and I. We at least feel somewhat empowered by the FBT plan in that we are deemed essential in her recovery treatment. My parents feel helpless and on the outside :(

Roarah, your graciousness is a model for me.

We have at least one person here who has first hand experience with being transgender. To know that and yet to be so shockingly cruel about it only speaks to the offender's lack of humanity.

To those of you who treat everyone with basic human kindness, thank you.

What you are going through in supporting your daughter is incredibly inspiring to me. I have a teenage girl her age, and I cannot even imagine how helpless I would feel. But you have immersed yourself in helping her, researching for solutions, and providing hands-on help. And it appears to be helping her. I am sure your daughter will never forget how you stayed by her side and supported her during these very difficult teenage years. I really hope she continues on this track of improvement.

I hope maybe arcy will see that acceptance and understanding for transgendered people rather than trying to change their feelings and self indentity saves lives. Successful Suicides are such a danger for transgendered and all people who are not encouraged to be themselves and love how they choose.

https://fenwayhealth.org/new-study-shows-transgender-people-who-receive-gender-affirming-surgery-are-significantly-less-likely-to-experience-psychological-distress-or-suicidal-ideation/

Kkay, Thank you for encouraging me with your story of recovery. I often lose faith that it is possible so real life stories really help me to do the necessary work for us to move forward.

It's no wonder when you peruse most social media that there is an epidemic of negative self talk problems. However, my friend said that really it is just the limiting of calories itself that is most harmful to the brain, that the physical aspects of limited calories can change basic brain chemistry. The same thing happens to drug addicts, their basic brain chemistry can change making it even harder for them to heal. Interestingly to Roarah's point, my friend's daughter actually self-diagnosed herself with the eating disorder. She wasn't becoming rail thin or sickly, she was just being very restrictive in her habits and recognized herself that this was becoming a problem. So it wasn't that she was not eating or that she was purging, she was just being very restrictive to the level of it being a dysfunction. I don't know how this teenager figured out that she had a problem, perhaps as much as social media could be toxic, it could also point young people in the direction of getting help.

My friend's daughter is also still on the path to recovery, one day at a time. She relapsed briefly (covid isolation, her step dad got cancer and died necessitating a whole focusing of energy for her family, and she lost her grandfather to Lewy Body Dementia) but got back on track, still moving forward with life and hanging with the rest of us trying to stay on the side of the light. I do hope that we can make space amongst ourselves for sharing pain and healing journeys. Maybe it's my extrovert self, but I think there is benefit to it.

Roarah, yes, i can see where grandparents would feel removed. When grandchildren are very young, grandparents often have more of an active role with their lives, babysitting, etc especially if they live close by. As the child moves into their teens, there is less involvement in their lives many times. Encouragement, from them however, in the form of cards, texts, and any other things you might think of that your daughter would appreciate might help them feel more involved in her well-being.

Just tell them that their continued love is what she needs, and their hugs and support will one day be appreciated more than they realize now.

@roarah, in many aspects of this, your parents are helpless, as are you. Many parts of this are outside of your control. Alice Sebold's memoir, Lucky, in which she recounts her college rape (and, as it turned out, the horrible ID resulting in the wrongly jailed rapist) gave me a phrase I leaned on as a parent during my daughter's heartbreak years: "You save yourself or you remain unsaved." Sometimes it reminded me that I was not in control and only a supporting player (but I never understood it to mean that if my daughter's disease defeated her, it was her fault.) I currently have a very sick young relative recovering from a heart attack and stroke. The posts from her close relatives betray a meritocracy approach to her recovery. She is a fighter, so she survived. She has good everything, so she will prevail. She's got this. The reality is that much depends on mystery, daisies in the cosmos blooming together, who the heck knows and she is not, in fact, guaranteed a result because she is anything.

OutsidePlaying is so right - her grandparents love, given without condition or as a reward for accomplishment, is what she needs, what we all need. And if tragedy strikes, as it does sometimes, at least we were people who brought grace to that tragedy.

"You save yourself or you remain unsaved."

Powerful words.

Barncatz, you are spot on in your description of some people’s meritocracy approach to illness or injury. It is infuriating to me, I have run into a lot of that during the course of DH’s recent illnesses. Interestingly, many of the people who say that kind of thing also say idiotic things like ”everything happens for a reason,” and ”things turn out the way they are supposed to.” On the one hand they believe each person has the ability to ”fight” cancer, but on the other hand believe we are powerless to affect the predetermined course of events. People like that are not rational human beings— they don’t actually think, they merely spout trite phrases they’ve heard or seen on cheap Hobby Lobby decorative signs.

As you can probably tell, this is my greatest pet peeve. Sorry Roarah, stepping off the soapbox now.

Many times people just do not know how to respond to life threatening illnesses or how to repond to death. I try to believe we are all just doing our best to try and offer comfort, hope or support but I can see how the wrong words might be worse than no words.

Roarah, I am so sorry to hear of your daughter’s illness. Sending you and your family healing thoughts.

Many people, not knowing what to say, say nothing or disappear. I make a very concerted effort to reach out even when I don't know what to say or feel I cannot be of help, or worry I am interrupting in some way. I don't want to regret not even trying to be supportive of people I care about. People forgive well-intentioned bungles for the most part!

Some people like the "fighting analogy" and some people resent it. I personally do not like it because the corollary seems to imply that some culpability if the person does not regain their health. And not everyone feels like fighting. I try to take my cue from how the person with the illness is framing the narrative.

I think I would kick anyone in the shins who offered up "everything happens for a reason." As an aside, though, this is supposed to be an excellent book: Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I've Loved Hardcover by Kate Bowler

When people make comments like that, I don't see it as a "meritocracy" but rather an attempt at hopeful words, pointing to the positive things that are working in that person's favor, be it their youth, their strength, the good doctors they have, the good care they're receiving, etc. I'd rather that than be told about how "that happened to X and he died from it" or "I had a similar issue with my cat" and then hear all about their cat's treatment. Or the worst one is when people say something like, "the Lord never gives you more than you can handle" as it doesn't even come close to being true in my experience.

I do try to cut people slack...many of them simply don't know what to say. Many have not been in a similar situation so can't personally relate. Even at that, as we've seen so many times here, what works for one person may not work for someone else, so even if they can relate and say what they would've wanted to hear, it may be 'wrong' for where you're at at that time. But to me, the most important thing is that they care enough to be there, rather than -- as so many will opt to do -- not show up at all.

"I had a similar issue with my cat"

oh my, Annie!

I really hate the phrase "everything happens for a reason." Well of course it does, but it's not always a good reason!

Roarah, I have no words of wisdom to add but just wanted to say that it has affected my extended family as well. I’ve read many articles on ED’s specifically orthorexia. Thank you for sharing your story here. Sending healing thoughts to you and your daughter.

Roarah, I don’t have anything new to add but I am so sorry your family is going through this. Sending healing vibes and hugs.

Roarah, I am sending stregth and healing prayers for your family.

Roarah, thank you for sharing your family story. I have been thinking of you and your daughter since i first read your post. i am sorry you are going through this .

you are a great mom.

As parents, we must put on our oxygen masks first. Roarah, I hope you don’t continue to look back on ”should haves” but focus on what a positive example you are setting for your daughter now. As Lyban stated, you are a great mom. My thoughts are with you and your daughter. Thank you for sharing this.

(((Hugs))) Roarah. You sound like an amazing mom. I know your dd must be so grateful to have you in her corner as she deals with this disease. I will keep you both in my prayers.

Roarah, I saw this post early and felt it too much to immediately respond. I recognize the fierce love and determination of a mother with a deep bond to her family and her eyes wide open. I hope sharing your story will help others, and I'm sure it will, but I especially hope it helps you to hear others respect your strength and share your concerns. I wish you, your daughter and all your family health, recovery, support and continued strength.

My heart goes out to you roarah and your daughter and your family. You did a great job realizing that there was a problem and taking great strides to help your daughter. You are corageous to share your story with us. Thank you for sharing your story and the articles you linked. I read each one.

I do think that our culture has problems with obsession over thinness and judgement towards people perceived as "fat". Even reading some of the comments here, that judgement is present. Add to that the perpetuation of social media and the ability of people to gain popularity without the backing of scientific substance, and it just perpetuates this ideal. Society, but especially social media, is putting extreme pressure on people of all ages, but especially teens and young adults.

And all of us as individuals (and our parents before us) are responsible for perpetuating this culture. To this day my mother fixates on her weight and also fixates on my weight without my consent. Doctors can be cruel and dismissive of anyone even overweight and I have experienced it without ever being classified as obese. As I now have nieces and a nephew, I am consciously reading about how the things I say may impact their relationship with food in the future. I do not discuss diets or intermittent fasting around them. I talk about exercise and food in terms of fun and how it provides fuel for my activities. What we say around children can really influence their thinking as they grow up. We need to be responsible about what kind of biases or potentially bad relationships with food we might be unintentionally passing along. This is not saying that roarah did this or that any of you are doing this, but it is something I witness in my own family and something I am consciously trying to stop with the generation of children in my family.

It breaks my heart to hear how roarah's daughter was receiving compliments about how "strong" she looked when she was in the throws of suffering from an ED. I think that is incredibly common. I cannot tell you how many unsolicited weight loss comments I have received from people who do not know me well enough to have any idea if I'm losing weight for health or because I am sick with a serious illness or because I am suffering an eating disorder. Judging (positive or negative) anyone's appearance can be really destructive. I am not the most educated on eating disorders, but it something I am trying to learn more about for myself and for how I interact with others. Thank you, roarah, for continuing to help me understand.

It's part of our culture to always put on a show of being superman or superwoman and to look down on any signs of weakness. To be ashamed to ask for and need help, to be ridiculed for it. My father is a prime example of this mindset. He sees physical illness as a sign of mental weakness or lack of character. So he is totally screwed up by the constant negative self talk going on in his head as he ages. Also, he cannot be around anyone sick let alone dying, he sees that as the ultimate failure or lack of control. He never gives support but is quick to make you feel "selfish" for asking for it or saying you need it. A sad, sad way to be and particularly to age. He's in a big boat though, sadly. That's why I said I hope you can find a good supportive group of people Roarah. Such groups are not always easy to find. I realize that not everyone is a natural when it comes to being supportive, so I do cut folks slack, but it sure is wonderful to connect with people who do know how to give and offer support and community.