The tickets are not bad, $35 for 1 but only $60 for a couple. It is an outside barbecue with beer and wine. .

I assumed gifts are also expected but to be fair there is no registry mentioned so maybe more like a stag party?

Pal my friends hosted a suprise new years’ eve wedding. I still tear up when I think about their wedding. It was all about their love for one another and their love of family and friends and with none of the pomp and circumstance that so many weddings now display.

I’m speechless. I was trying to remember how to spell ”chutzpah” but I think ”cojones” is better. It conveys the vulgar aspect.

Ive never heard of such a thing.. Showers were always for people invited to the wedding and were not hosted by family. Often a good friend of the mother of the bride hosted a shower.

I wouldnt even respond.

WTH???? I can’t believe that your boss would think that this is appropriate on any level. I‘m cringing. Ignoring it is the best advice.

I am still shaking my head over this. I can't even imagine having the nerve to do something like this. It's frankly embarrassing. I wonder how her son and the bride to be feel about this.

It's hard to imagine why she feels this is a good idea. Might be that the friends and family who would be expected to be included were not receptive to paying to come to a party and unclear of whether cash was the gift or an additional gift was expected and they are just trying to expand the audience to avoid a total flop. This reminds me of an article I read about a couple who were not satisfied with the gifts brought to a shower and sent out a notice to wedding invitees that they were being stingy and there would be a $200 charge to attend the wedding.

I've got nothing else to add -- except I have a morse code bracelet that spells out, "B!#ch, please." I'd be wearing one to work. I also have an embroidery pattern for the same phrase surrounded by flowers - sweet and sassy. I'd be tempted to send that to the boss anonymously. I probably wouldn't, but I'd want to.

Wow! I looked it up too. Apparently these Jack 'n' Jill fundraisers are supposed to be instead of a traditional women-only bridal shower and focus on raising funds vs. buying gifts for the couple. Given how many couples live together before marriage and already have a house full of everything, I can kind of understand the focus on funds. My cousins lived together for over 10 years so they really didn't need anything and asked to help pay for their honeymoon. Tacky but not horrible.

IAC, to invite people *not* invited to the wedding is totally inappropriate.

To invite subordinates is just wrong and rings of coerciveness. To do it through the business email is just wrong. This mixing of business with personal in inappropriate. While it's better to keep the peace and not report it to HR, IMO it would qualify for a legit complaint.

I have seen people request a donation to their honeymoon fund as an option instead of a material gift or cash. My niece had actual events on their honeymoon in Greece you could pay for on her shower registry. I think I paid for some fancy dinner somewhere in addition to a material gift I brought to the shower. I have no problem with that as an option. But a fund raiser run by the mother of the groom to help pay for the wedding? Totally inappropriate.

Just wrong on so many levels - I have never heard of this before.......

Wrong to fundraise for a wedding. (Just have a less expensive wedding or elope.)

Wrong as hell to ask a non-invited guest to participate in this fundraiser.

And completely inappropriate use of power to ask someone who you supervise to contribute.

Sorry you were put in this unethical position. This person lacks tact, brains, and class.

I think your boss would have been smarter to fund raise months ago--before people knew if they weren't invited. Even then it's tacky as one can get. This sort of thing will continue if it's successful. But then again the boy who stabbed a teammate got THOUSANDS by fund raising for his defense. People are beyond understanding.

This is totally inappropriate. I wouldn’t respond. I would also question why this person has a position of power in any organization,
Her actions are so awful, I cannot imagine how she couldn’t see this as intimidating to employees.

As for the fact that “group funding” is a trend - I don’t get it. GoFundMe for murderers? People who could afford whatever but start a fund? I’m too out of the loop I guess (read:too old) but this is worse than “tacky”.

Ro, have you ascertained whether or not other in your work group got the same email? If so, has anyone commented on it yet? If so, negative or positive?

I had to look up Jack and Jill party also. It sounds much like what we have called an engagement party. However I have never been to anything where i was asked to contribute to the wedding expenses and hope we never are. That is the most ridiculous concept ever!

I agree with others who said ignore, don’t respond, and if asked later just say you are unable to attend. It is beyond my understanding why your superior would even think it proper to send out this type of correspondence to employees she manages. Whatever happened to having a wedding that is within your financial means to begin with?

Pal, those types of weddings are my favorites too. Of course they are usually more mature, financially secure people who do this.

"To help celebrate, we're hosting a Jack n Jill event for family and friends."

If you were considered a friend, you would have been invited to the wedding. Could this have been mistakenly sent to you as you are neither family nor a personal friend?

DH retired from a major international tech company and he said it definitely needs to be reported. His company had a policy of not allowing managers to solicit donations, GS cookie sales, etc. from their subordinates.

WOW - that is unbelievable. Whatever happened to having events you could afford to pay for with your own funds rather than having the gall to solicit donations. If there is no RSVP I would simply ignore it. If there is I’d send my regrets. I absolutely would not attend or donate.

Another one here who has never heard of such a thing. Will they be having a silent auction too?

Bbstx, she sent it to my staff aswell. Many were asking what I was going to say. I told them I was not attending but refrained from voicing any negativity. They too we confused as to what the proper protocol is for these things. One woman who is just thirty has been invited to a few but she said she was always also invited to the weddings.

I'm speechless.

Um...how could anyone really raise funds for a wedding? Haven't seen that one yet!

Maybe it's because I'm a boy mom, but I find most weddings I attend to be over-the-top and excessive.

I hope and pray my son marries a down-to-earth girl who appreciates simplicity and meaningful moments over all the extravagant displays.

Apparently this tradition has its roots in small town Canada, where it was either to help fund the wedding or to be given as a gift to the bride and groom.

I grew up in an area where cash bar was not uncommon, especially in the firehall, VFW, sort of reception, as well as the dollar dance where guests pay to dance with the bride. (And sometimes down a shot to dance with the groom). Usually the amount was a token like $1.00 back when I was younger, although it's probably more like $10.00 now, but sometimes relatives would put $100 in the purse. Neither of my sisters had this, but most weddings I went to did.

I do not see these two things as comparable. The dollar dance, auctioning the brides garter were friends and family helping the young couple set up a home, afford a honeymoon. A fun little twist/game at the dance. (One I too have seen but not something me or mine would ever have at ours) Fundraising to pay for an over the top party is just bizarre. If you can't afford it you don't get to try and host it!!! When did living within your means become a foreign concept??? There are two different issues at play. #1 Fundraising for a wedding full of choices you can't really afford to offer and #2 Bringing it to the work place. #2 Is wrong every time all the time. How is this different than asking your underlings to do your personal shopping, haul your dry cleaning, seeking sexual favors? Bosses do not get to ask their employees to participate in things not in their job description. It's coercion!! I find it beyond appropriate when co-workers schlep girl scout cookies or band fund raisers for their offspring but this is a step beyond when it's the boss and I think it's debatable if a no is truly an option!!

Cash bar was also compared. How things have changed. Rewind 35 years to the 70s-80s. ALL the wedding advise magazines would tell you to never have an open bar. It's not a good thing to encourage excessive drinking they would say. Have a toast, wine with dinner, drink tickets so you have hosted a drink with all your guests but end it there.

I can't even.

One thing I have seen is the wedding registry sites where they ask for monetary gifts for things like a down payment on a house, honeymoon, etc. (I would like these funds audited, please. LOL). I have seen where someone asks for something for the wedding itself on the registry. I think it was flowers and or the music? That, to me, is really weird and kind of circular. Welcome to my wedding; now can you please help me pay for it? That makes no sense. Just don't host something you cannot afford, ok?

I’m sure this is a repeat story for some of you, but here goes anyway.

At the first wedding I ever attended (I was 12-ish), they ”stole” the bride. That meant the groomsman carried the bride out of the VFW hall and people chipped in money to bring her back. I think it was more common then, based on other guest‘s lack of reactions, but IDK because it was my first wedding.

In this case, the bride was NOT cooperative and she kicked and screamed! I was shocked and horrified but other guests just laughed. I think someone was mildly hurt during the process. Fortunately, I never had to witness that tacky tradition again.

That bride also sobbed-cried walking down the aisle. Again, fortunately, I never saw that intense a reaction from another bride. I’m sure I thought ”is this normal? Does she want to get married?”

She was a neighbor, not someone I was close to, and I now wonder how that marriage worked out. Day one sure seemed rough. 😆

I always found cash bars at a hosted event odd. I find it insulting to have me pay for something at your wedding. I have no problem with a limited bar (wine, beer only), or no bar at all. Do what you can afford, but don't ask me to pay for it.

I also do not like when the bartenders put out tip jars. Um, no. I will tip you at the end of my event. Do not ask my guests to tip you. I always made that very clear when I hosted (my wedding, my DD's bat mitzvah, my DD's wedding). In one case, the bar tender did it anyway. I immediately found our coordinator and she immediately removed it and apologized profusely. I was not happy.

I've never heard of a Jack and Jill event but I don't hate that idea. But sending that email to all staff under them was wholly inappropriate and should be reported to HR. This is the kind of thing that gets added to next years employee handbook (I used to keep the employee handbook open as a tab on my computer so I could make updates quickly when I saw things like this come across my desk)

We all seem in agreement the ticket purchase is just odd, inappropriate for the workplace and bad manners when sent in the workplace. What was she thinking?!

I don't have a problem sending a gifts, even to a wedding I am not attending, but would like a thank you it was received. My SIL's brother married (decades ago). I sent a place setting of their good china. No thank you. Months later I asked my SIL if she could find out if they received. Never answered, probably never asked since their relationship was not great. I saw the bride a few times, but never asked her directly. Mrs Manners, and all.

I also don't mind sending a monetary gift to go towards honeymoon or house. Times have changed,. Many, even those marrying in their 20s, have lived on their own and already have household items. Some don't want good china, crystal and silver anymore.

When DD remarried, she had been a homeowner for 11yrs, so they did not need a thing. She and the groom decided to make their honeymoon a family vacation to Disney World and took DGS (7yo at the time) along. If people went to their (simple) wedding site, under Registery it read, Instead of a traditional registry, we've opted to do a honeymoon fund. You can contribute the anount you wish below & the funds will go towards our trip to Disney World - don't worry, (DGS) is invited too! There was no dollar amount tabs, so no suggested amounts. Guests could contribute as much or little as they felt comfortable giving, and every penny went towards the trip (but did not cover the cost).

hhieno, that bride sounds like she has issues.

I always gift money at weddings and showers and have no issue with that but I was not invited to the wedding, do not know any of this woman’s family and feel it is a cash grab.

I have nothing new to add — I just agree that this is very tacky, and completely inappropriate, for all of the reasons already mentioned.

The gall of some people will never not be shocking to me. I’m sorry you’ve been put in this position, Roarah.

I think cash gifts are fine as an open ended option. Not as a prescribed amount or a requirement for attendance.

After reading the actual email, I felt more nuetral. She was just throwing it out there to get more support. Not appropriate for a supervisor, but sometimes in small companies or departments, lines get blurred.

I think I would ignore it if I wasn't planning on attending.

I've never seen this and I agree with most of the comments expressing shock.

I will say though that as far as the actual event, I think things can vary considerably culturally, regionally, etc etc so maybe some people do that. Just as a few of you mentioned buying the bride or some iteration of that - even if just fun and a nice $bonus to the sweet couple- I have never seen it and would be amazed. I get though that this is not my world.

The part that is absolutely wrong is the fact that this a workplace issue and it is totally inappropriate. I guess no one wants to be the bad guy and report it to HR or whatever, (and I most likely would not either) but I think we have all agreed that this is just off.

From the wording I guess I would not reply and just forget that I received it .

So, let me get this straight....

You're not "good enough" (or whatever) to make the cut, to be invited to the wedding.

However, they want you to help PAY for the event - to which you are not invited?!

Yeah, I don't think so!

I always gift $$ for a wedding gift. And something from the registry for shower or engagement party. If the registry asks for house or honeymoon fund, I am also happy to contribute to that. This is all assuming I am actually invited to the wedding and shower/engagement party!

She and the groom decided to make their honeymoon a family vacation to Disney World and took DGS (7yo at the time) along.

I love this. When DH and I got married, my daughter was 8 yrs old. Our honeymoon was a cruise and DD came with us. Many people, including her dad, were very surprised by this which I did not understand at all. While DD was thrilled DH was joining our family, it was still a transition for a kid and there was no way I was getting married and then immediately leaving her for 2 weeks! We all had a fabulous time on the cruise.

I might be tempted to feign concern that obviously her email has been hacked and someone is trying to scam her employees out of money for a wedding that I’ve never heard anything about, so am sure isn’t a real event. Bringing it to her attention because some people may fall for it and lose their money.

I would just ignore it - show her the same concern that she has shown for you, and it sounds like she does not really expect people to respond, from the way it was worded.

I was taught that the bride's parents paid for the wedding - not the groom's. Maybe that is only the case in the South.

I always gift money at weddings and showers and have no issue with that but I was not invited to the wedding, do not know any of this woman’s family and feel it is a cash grab.

If this was in response to my post, I was speaking for myself. I also see it is a cash grab, and would not send a gift of any kind if I was not invited to the wedding. My "not attending" was meant to imply a previous invitation. Not knowing this woman outside of work or her family member, I would not expect to be invited and if I did receive an invitation, I would not send a gift.

What does everyone think of newly married couples, even those on bachelorette trips, that write on their back car window to send money for a drink, etc? People have lost their minds!

I’ve never heard nor seen that Allison. Who wiuld do that?

This may have been addressed up thread but I feel like she is trying to combine a "go fund me" with a Jack and Jill. A big miss. I think you can just ignore it as long as there is no RSVP.

Some go fund me campaigns are worthy and some are not. This is not a worthy cause.

Photo from a subreddit

Wow. I find these trends alarming.

Wow. Now who would actually send money to a stranger because they saw that on a car? Do people really do that?

FWIW, I do think the cultural lines between personal and professional relationships at work have been blurred a lot by our mass media - think of all the TV shows & movies set in workplaces and how involved those characters are in each others' lives. IMO, it seems that many people have absorbed those attitudes. And I am aware that in some professions, personal ties are more acceptable than in others.

Also FWIW, I never assume that everyone is knowledgable about what constitutes good etiquette in many situations.

I don't think I'd respond at all, since I agree the wording seems to suggest that, but I would probably save that message as a memento, and just in case anything similar ever arose...

Just no. I would not react at all.

Reading through this thread. Unbelievable what she's asked of you and others in your workplace.

In terms of trends, I have 4 weddings coming up in the next year or so. No one is throwing this type of party. 2 of the weddings are the daughters of a dear friend, and she would NEVER ask others for financial assistance. Both daughters have a budget, and are making smart decisions within those budgets. Another wedding is the daughter of another friend, and she and her husband have ample means. And even if they didn't, pride alone would prevent them from asking for financial help. The 4th wedding is my niece... adorable young woman, and she and her fiance are sensible and respectful.

Roarah, I do hope this matter finds its way to HR. I'm not suggesting you do it, but someone should. It's so unprofessional.

Just no

I’ve never heard nor seen that Allison. Who wiuld do that?

People that like to drink, or self-entitled? It's the me-me-me mentality. It goes along with the look at me "I'm the bride" sash. LOL

Whoa—I just saw the picture reposted from reddit. That is truly obnoxious. When my daughter was in her late twenties and early thirties, they all went to Vegas for their bachelorette parties which I thought was excessive and tacky at the time even without the mendicant aspect!

Whoa—I just saw the picture reposted from reddit. That is truly obnoxious. When my daughter was in her late twenties and early thirties, they all went to Vegas for their bachelorette parties which I thought was excessive and tacky at the time even without the mendicant aspect!