The Polite House: Do I Have to Display Decor Given to Me as a Gift?

Etiquette columnist Lizzie Post tackles the challenge of accepting and displaying home decor gifts from frequent visitors

Lizzie PostJuly 27, 2016

Houzz Contributor. Lizzie Post is co-host of the Awesome Etiquette podcast http://www.infiniteguest.org/awesome-etiquette/, and an author and spokesperson for the Emily Post Institute. She is a co-author of Emily Post’s Etiquette 18th edition, Emily Post’s Great Get-Togethers, The Etiquette Advantage in Business, and Emily Post’s Wedding Etiquette 6th edition http://emilypost.com/books/.

Echo

Dear Lizzie,

“We have a very good friend who is our main visitor and guest. She likes to come out from her suburban home and spend time here on our farm. She always brings a little something for us, and we always send her home with something, often eggs. Lately, she’s been bringing ‘decor’ items, like framed prints of cattle of our same breed (Scottish Highlands) or of generic sheep (not our Icelandic breed) or a rooster or chickens.

“How do I make her stop that? If we were to have artwork of farm animals on our walls, it would be one of our own, who we know and love, not some generic animal of the same species. We don’t need pictures of livestock on our walls — all we have to do is look outside any window and see horses and cows and sheep and chickens. Plus, I feel that I must make some effort to display one of the many pictures and objects of art she’s gifted us over time. Should I just not do that? Not have them showing? Do you think that is encouraging her?”

Ah, gift giving. So many good intentions, yet it can get so complicated. In Vermont, where I live, I feel as though the equivalent of the above predicament is when a houseguest purchases maple candies or maple syrup as a gift for the host. The guest’s perspective is, “This is the thing the town is known for, so I should get my hosts something I know they will like!”

My guess is that your friend is trying to get away from typical houseguest gifts like a bottle of wine or some nice soaps. She is probably very happy with her visits to the farm and feels that her gifts are embracing your way of life. In this instance, I think you have a few options, and you’ll have to be the one to decide which is right based on your relationship with her and what you know of her personality.

Houzz

One note: You are not obligated to display these gifts permanently, nor are you obligated to keep them for long. Decluttering is a fact of life today, and if you already have quite a few pictures or paintings or decorative items around your home, it’s easy for people to understand that you can accommodate only so much.

Depending on your preferences and your friend’s personality, here are some options:

You can tell her that because she visits often, at this point you really don’t want her to feel obligated to bring a thank-you gift. It may be hard for her to take you up on the offer to show up empty-handed, but it is OK for you to let her know that a gift really isn’t necessary.

Said sincerely and with a loving smile, it might sink in: “Kim, we are always so thrilled to have you visit. Please know that you are now part of the family, so do not worry about bringing a gift each time you come.” If she says something like, “Oh, but I have to bring something — I just wouldn’t feel right.” You can counter with, “Well, we will graciously always accept a card. How’s that for a deal?”

MossCreek

You can put out one of her pictures when she visits. While displaying more could run the risk of encouraging her to keep up the practice, she might take the hint if only one picture is on view and she knows that she’s bought you seven or more over the past few visits.

But what if she’s the type of friend who asks, “So where did the picture of the Scottish Highland cattle end up?” Well, you can either say, “We haven’t found the right place for it yet” or “We are just terrible about working in new decor.”

You can always hang the pictures in the guest room that she uses.

No matter what you decide, try not to fawn over the gifts if she does bring them. “Kim, how thoughtful — we are so happy to have you here” is all that’s needed.

To submit a question on etiquette around the house for Lizzie Post, send an email with the subject line “The Polite House” to edit@houzz.com.

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