The Polite House: On Dinner Party Gifts, Wine and Leftovers
Here’s how to navigate the confusion over what to keep, what to put out and what to send home
Lizzie Post
September 2, 2016
Houzz Contributor. Lizzie Post is co-host of the Awesome Etiquette podcast http://www.infiniteguest.org/awesome-etiquette/, and an author and spokesperson for the Emily Post Institute. She is a co-author of Emily Post’s Etiquette 18th edition, Emily Post’s Great Get-Togethers, The Etiquette Advantage in Business, and Emily Post’s Wedding Etiquette 6th edition http://emilypost.com/books/.
Houzz Contributor. Lizzie Post is co-host of the Awesome Etiquette podcast ,... More
Dear Lizzie,
As a host, how do I handle people bringing things over, whether it’s wine, hostess gifts or contributions to the meal? Do I have to serve the wine? Do I send guests home with items we don’t use? Do I keep the leftovers? Do I write a thank-you note for any hostess gift?
Hosts and guests certainly do some wonderful dances as they navigate entertaining together. Some of our entertaining customs vary between regions, and others vary between established friend groups, so it can be hard to know exactly what’s expected and what’s the right thing to do. Here are tips on a few of the common host-guest dance routines.
Hostess Gifts
In general, if you are meeting someone or visiting someone’s home (or new home) for the first time, a hostess gift is a nice gesture. It’s a thoughtful way to say, “Thank you for welcoming me into your home.” Once regular get-togethers are established, most guests stop bringing hostess gifts. Among close friends and family our gratitude is demonstrated in many ways, not just by hostess gifts.
As a host, how do I handle people bringing things over, whether it’s wine, hostess gifts or contributions to the meal? Do I have to serve the wine? Do I send guests home with items we don’t use? Do I keep the leftovers? Do I write a thank-you note for any hostess gift?
Hosts and guests certainly do some wonderful dances as they navigate entertaining together. Some of our entertaining customs vary between regions, and others vary between established friend groups, so it can be hard to know exactly what’s expected and what’s the right thing to do. Here are tips on a few of the common host-guest dance routines.
Hostess Gifts
In general, if you are meeting someone or visiting someone’s home (or new home) for the first time, a hostess gift is a nice gesture. It’s a thoughtful way to say, “Thank you for welcoming me into your home.” Once regular get-togethers are established, most guests stop bringing hostess gifts. Among close friends and family our gratitude is demonstrated in many ways, not just by hostess gifts.
However, during the holidays or for a very special party (or sometimes just for the heck of it!), friends will have just the right thing and bring it over as a hostess gift. You do not need to send a thank-you note for a hostess gift if it was given in person and you were able to thank the giver then and there.
If that wasn’t the case, as perhaps at a large party, do call, or email or mail a short note of thanks: “Suzi, your homemade jam is always the best, so thanks for sharing and making breakfast a treat. Delighted to see you Saturday. Thanks for the jam and thanks for coming!”
Wine
Whether you’ve meticulously planned your wine pairings with your meal or just grabbed the cheapest bottle you could find on your way home that night, when a guest brings wine to your party, you often feel compelled to open the bottle.
You may open it if you wish, but if you’ve planned everything so that your wines pair nicely with your meals, it’s perfectly OK to thank the guest for the bottle and say you’re so looking forward to enjoying it another night (with or without your guest is up to you). Upon leaving, the guest does not automatically bring his or her bottle home if it’s unopened. (Check out “The Rye” episode of Seinfeld for a great example of this scenario, in this case with a loaf of marble rye bread.)
If that wasn’t the case, as perhaps at a large party, do call, or email or mail a short note of thanks: “Suzi, your homemade jam is always the best, so thanks for sharing and making breakfast a treat. Delighted to see you Saturday. Thanks for the jam and thanks for coming!”
Wine
Whether you’ve meticulously planned your wine pairings with your meal or just grabbed the cheapest bottle you could find on your way home that night, when a guest brings wine to your party, you often feel compelled to open the bottle.
You may open it if you wish, but if you’ve planned everything so that your wines pair nicely with your meals, it’s perfectly OK to thank the guest for the bottle and say you’re so looking forward to enjoying it another night (with or without your guest is up to you). Upon leaving, the guest does not automatically bring his or her bottle home if it’s unopened. (Check out “The Rye” episode of Seinfeld for a great example of this scenario, in this case with a loaf of marble rye bread.)
Leftovers
When the meal is finished and it’s time to clean up, attention may turn to leftovers. How to handle leftovers is up to the host to decide. Whether or not your guests have contributed to the meal, it’s perfectly fine to offer leftovers, and it’s also equally acceptable not to offer them.
Depending on how much you have and what makes sense, you may change how you handle this from party to party. Most hosts don’t really want a fridge full of leftovers, particularly at a meal to which many guests have contributed, so it’s fairly standard to either divvy them up among the group or send each contributor home with his or her particular leftovers.
One thing that is thoughtful is to try to return any containers or dishes that your guests have brought. Simply freeing up the container or dishware so that your guest can take it back home is definitely thoughtful.
If you’re sending guests home with the rest of a dish they made, it’s fine to just put the leftovers back in the dish it came in. If you’re sending them home with a selection of leftovers, cleaning the container or dish and reusing it is also an option.
What’s your question? To submit a question on etiquette around the house for Lizzie Post, send an email with the subject line “The Polite House” to edit@houzz.com.
See more from The Polite House
When the meal is finished and it’s time to clean up, attention may turn to leftovers. How to handle leftovers is up to the host to decide. Whether or not your guests have contributed to the meal, it’s perfectly fine to offer leftovers, and it’s also equally acceptable not to offer them.
Depending on how much you have and what makes sense, you may change how you handle this from party to party. Most hosts don’t really want a fridge full of leftovers, particularly at a meal to which many guests have contributed, so it’s fairly standard to either divvy them up among the group or send each contributor home with his or her particular leftovers.
One thing that is thoughtful is to try to return any containers or dishes that your guests have brought. Simply freeing up the container or dishware so that your guest can take it back home is definitely thoughtful.
If you’re sending guests home with the rest of a dish they made, it’s fine to just put the leftovers back in the dish it came in. If you’re sending them home with a selection of leftovers, cleaning the container or dish and reusing it is also an option.
What’s your question? To submit a question on etiquette around the house for Lizzie Post, send an email with the subject line “The Polite House” to edit@houzz.com.
See more from The Polite House
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ruthev - WOW! LOL I'm really shocked when people think it's okay to make off with ... a whole pie? all the sides?? half a turkey?? There is no topping that one, especially without asking. I'd call that stealing. Last week we had a family party hosted by one of sisters who made several meatloaves. My sister in law asked if she could take some, later my sister discovered she'd taken an entire meatloaf. You all are very gracious, more than me, I guess, because to me that is worse than rude. At least you have enough oven space to make two turkeys. I don't!