I truly don't know how to respond except tell you you are not alone. I know, that doesn't help and we have gone through the same emotions that you are describing, We've been asked "how did you keep from going insane"? Our reply was always, "we didn't keep from it". As you describe, we both had feelings of total despair where all we wanted to do was end it all and frankly, I came very close when our second son was killed.

Time truly does help although it sure won't feel like it for a while.

Have you been contacted by Compassionate Friends? We did attend several meetings of that group and I suppose the fact that everyone of those people had had the same experience as we did made us feel not completely alone in our grief.

I have kept one of son Marc's and son Jim's jackets and will wear them occasionly, it took me years before I could even do that but now I'm glad that I can.

I wish we could be there with you , all we could do is help you cry but please believe me when I tell you the grief will lessen.

I'm afraid I'm not saying this very well, but when the grief overwhelms you please see your doctor. They can usually help you with a counselor. We both had to get professional help when we lost out third child, we have a very strong relationship having been married almost 59 years but it seemed we couldn't help each other, each grieving separtly. Leone and I survived and you two can too but even now sometimes we feel like we are carrying an unbearable burden.

All I can pray for is for you both to have the strength it takes until you do turn that corner. I think of you every single day and wish you could just go some where far away until the holidays are over..it has to be torture. Listen to George..he's a wise wise man,and Di,when you are able to smile again,hope some of that will be here with us.

I almost didn't want to touch this thread, Di. I want Gandle's words to hang there where you can reach out and touch them when you open this thread. Hang on to them and trust in them.

Wounds this deep take a long time to heal but i believe that they WILL heal in time. It may seem trite right now to say this, but im so relieved you and Jimmy have each other Di. Same goes for you and Leone,George.

Di, I hadn't read this when we spoke on the phone, but I could hear it in your voice. Like I said, you're out of logic because nothing makes sense. I can't think of a more logical reaction to the blow you've been dealt. You know how sorry I am. I can't take this journey with you, but I'm here when the darkness is unbearable.

I wish I could let you see yourself through my eyes. You'd recognize your and Jimmy's incredible STRENGTH and the amazing strides you're making towards that proverbial corner. I don't know when you'll reach it, but I believe in my heart you're headed in the right direction... even if it doesn't feel like it in the moment.

(((Di & Jimmy)))

Di, your words are heartbreaking. The only thing that got me through a personal tragedy was physically tiring myself out each day. At first I paced around the cemetery grounds. No one bothers you there. I spent hours and days later treading the streets of the historic district. For some reason these two locations gradually eased my pain. Do you have a nearby beach...I'd think the sight and sound of the ocean might soothe.

I hope you and Jimmy soon find peace...hold on to one another. josh

Di and Jimmy, I promise it will get better.
Gandle is so right with everything he said.
You aren't alone, please remember that.

Time, time, time, time, it takes time, it just takes time.
one tiny little step at a time but it will get better,
I promise.

I love you both so much!!!
Jan

When I had my losses someone told me that normal will be different. There is wisdom in that statement; I didn't think so at the time. I hated feeling empty and fragmented. I also hated it so much I still hate when people told me how strong I am. Concrete is strong and that is what I felt like- solid, gray, unmoving and cold. I never thought I would get better or feel anything ever again.

I got to the point sometimes I had to remind myself to breathe. Go slowly, second by second then minute by minute then day by day.

I kept a journal. At first there was just a jumble of words. Eventually sentences came then some coherence emerged. That was when the corner came into view. I took almost 2 years to begin to feel a bit of normalcy happen, meanwhile every day of those two years everyone thought I was great because I was doing so much. Little did they know...

Don't feel bad for not bouncing back like you have had some surgery or something. Most of what you feel is shock. Numbing shock, as a friend of mine said, "Shock is an emotional gift for survival. It keeps everything at bay and only lets a little bit in so you can deal with that then more is allowed in."

I have had you and Jimmy in my prayers and will continue to.

Yes, you are strong, and yes, you will continue to plod through each day even when you feel you can't. I am sending healing thoughts to you. Love and hugs,

Jan

Oh, Di, I wish I had some magic words for you. You've been much on my mind this past week, the first holiday you've had to face without Lindsey. I was deeply touched that you were able to break through the haze of grief long enough to wish me a happy birthday.

I've wanted to send you short email notes just to let you know that I'm thinking of you and Jimmy, that I care and hurt for you and with you, but I'm not sure - would the thought be welcome, or would it just serve to grind the loss in deeper?

((((Di & Jimmy))))

Josh said walking, or pacing, helped.

Go outside & *move*.

Walk if that's what your limit is now,
but push yourself to do more demanding things:

work in the garden, especially the heavy work like digging, pulling weeds, shoveling mulch.

ride your bicycles.

chop wood.

It won't make "things" different, but it does clear your head.

If you find yourself walking around in a daze, *stop whatever it is you're doing*, just drop it right then & there, grocery shopping or whatever, leave the cart, & do something different.

holding you in my thoughts & in my heart.

Di, your very core is awash in grief and incomprehension and only time is going to help it find its strength again. It hasn't gone, just don't despair of finding it again.

Everyone keeps telling you how "strong" you are...well right now it's okay not to be. Strength returns slowly and it's important not to feel you're letting yourself and others down on days when the pain is overhwelming.

This is still extraordinarly fresh for both of you. My partner died, without warning, of a cerebral anurysm. I always thought I was a strong woman and so when after two weeks I was still awash with grief and thought I would never stop weeping I couldn't understand why I wasn't "getting over it". It was inexplicable to me how I, this strong woman, wasn't getting over this massive loss more quickly. I think I was afraid of how vulnerable I had suddenly become, afraid of feelings I couldn't control. A wise friend sat with me and explained that what was happening to me was normal... that it was to be expected, that I should let my humanity take the time it needed. That was my experience ~ each one of us is different and it will be different for you and different yet again for Jimmy.

Di, for what you've been through and are going through this is the normal. Getting back to your old life as if this was some blip on the radar is not normal at this stage. If you need help, either spiritually or medically, get it. That is not weakness.

Take your time, allow yourself time, because as painful as it is it's part of the healing.

with love
Sheila.

Di and Mr. Di,

I wish I had an answer for the heartwrenching sorrow, but I do not. I do know a bit about losing your mind, having mislaid mine for a number of years.

Yes, exercise to the point of tireness. Hold onto each other physically, being touched helps. Drugs and psychotherapy both help.

There is one other odd thing. I was stalked by a person who had threatened to kill me so my problem was acute anxiety. Even after the threat went away the fear did not. So for three or four years I stumbled around singing to myself the chorus of a song we sang at church. Be not afraid, I go before you always, come follow me, and I will give you rest.

Somehow the music, the rhythm, and the words combined to become a thread I could hold onto. Perhaps if you can find a song it could be a tether to the world to slowly lead you back. If this sounds too odd ignore it but it really helped me.

With love,

Rebecca

My heart breaks for you Di. I've been wondering how you're doing and I'm so sorry. You were there for Greg and I during a dark time when our normal forever changed. I'm so very grateful for you and Jimmy and I wish we could reciprocate. I wish I could hug you and tell you everything will be okay but I can't. All I can really say is take one day at a time, reach out and if you're willing, sometimes an antidepressent can help enough to get through another day. Someday you'll find your way through the forest of grief. Your normal is forever changed. My greatest hope is that someday you'll find peace and are able to find some meaning in all of this. I'm not saying any of this very well I'm afraid but hopefully you understand.

By the way, I don't have an e-mail address for you or current contact info but did want to let you know that our darkness finally ended. Joy was born in January.

Hugs,

Janet

(((((Di and Jimmy)))))

You are not alone. Good things written here by people that care. Biofeed back was help full for Missy. Sceaming on the deserted beach at the waves has helped me. Gandle gives good advice.

Di...words escape me...just know my thoughts and prayers are with you and Jimmy everyday.

Di, I also have no words to tell you how very sorry I am for the terrible loss that you and Jimmy are suffering. As I read the posts and thought about them over a few days, I was drawn to the words of Keats.

A thing of beauty is a joy for ever:
Its loveliness increases; it will never
Pass into nothingness; but still will keep
A bower quiet for us, and a sleep
Full of sweet dreams, and health, and quiet breathing.

I have not been able to respond because this almost happened to us. We got to the hospital in time. The thought is always in the back of my head, will he try it again? He assures me no, but I can't help but worry. My prayers are with you.