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angeltrumpeteer

Funny Southern Rules

21 years ago

These were posted on the Roses forum and thought this forum might enjoy! And, as a native...they're all true:)

In an effort to help outsiders understand the rules of the

Southerner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter a Southern State.

-- It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lincoln Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way!

-- The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color, don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent.

-- Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis fly rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for: bait.

-- Pull your pants up! You look like an idiot.

-- That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

-- If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.

-- No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

-- Tea -- yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and it's sweet. You want it hot? Set it in the sun. You want it unsweetened? Add a lot of water.

-- You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice!

-- Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

-- We eat dinner together with our families. We go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.

-- We don't do "hurry up" well.

-- Greens -- yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a smoked hog jowl.

-- Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream, and carp. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available down at the bait shop.

-- They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 75 goes two ways. Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.

-- So every person in every pickup truck waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

-- Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators --and, if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.

-- That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot --his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.

-- We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your darn Navigator under them, and they'll leave a souvenir on your hood.

-- You have a sixty-thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.

-- Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want cream of wheat -- go to Kansas. That would be I-40 West.

Comments (22)

  • 21 years ago
    last modified: 11 years ago

    Yup, really enjoyed reading that and every day I am here I learn those things and it just reinforces what a great decision we made to relocate to NC. Feels like home. Adele

  • 21 years ago
    last modified: 11 years ago

    Seems pretty sensible to me. thanks, Angeltrump

  • 21 years ago
    last modified: 11 years ago

    I love it!!! I am now offering a pardon for all of you gardeners who were not born here but have now found yourself in heaven and loving it. Southern is a state of mind, nay a state of Grace. It can be obtained by all those who wish to stop and smell the roses, magnolias and jasmine. For those who chose to share tea, gossip and swap family histories on porches, granted. It is granted for those who think the good ole days had value and are trying to recapture them while intertwining them with highspeed internet. Anyone who is willing to stop with a young gardener, despite age, and swap plants, share seeds and spread knowledge of green you are welcomed/desired here in the South. In fact we need you so we can smother out the weeds. Hey, Kudzo isn't a native. Okay, the Nyquil has kicked in. Sorry to ramble. Shannon

  • 21 years ago
    last modified: 11 years ago

    Ummmmm, I'm SC born and bred... corn-fed... never really cared much for grits UNTIL a friend who grew up in Kansas City put SUGAR on HIS one time and I tried it and VOILA, suddenly I liked grits!

    My mom still says I've lost my roots or something, eating sugar (nowadays usually Splenda) on grits; I say she's not a true Southerner because she doesn't like rice unless it has gravy or something, whereas I can eat rice most any way I can think of just about every day of the week... For instance, I think putting the green peas or most any other similar veggie on the rice qualifies as having "something" to eat on the rice. She doesn't.

    My brother was as big on rice as me, thought I was as crazy on the grits issue as my mom does but HATED boiled peanuts (which both my mom and I consider CLASSIC Southern cuisine)... said that was the cruelest thing you could do to a peanut... So I guess even amongst us "true Southerners" there's no such thing, really as "true Southern," huh?

    Now somebody go and challenge me on that... go ahead... come on... I'm waitin'... I'll drive up in my clay-covered pickup and sling raw hamburger at ya! :-P (except, uh, I forgot, I don't own a pickup since my finances inverted and I quit eating beef for health and ecological reasons :)

    Go figure!
    Jeff

  • 21 years ago
    last modified: 11 years ago

    Jeff, you are too funny.

  • 21 years ago
    last modified: 11 years ago

    When I moved here I had to give quite a few people a geography lesson. They thought that because I was from Oklahoma I was from the north and even used the "Y" word once or twice (or should that be onced or twiced).

    I would often have to take a pencil to paper and draw a straight line from the right side to the left side. I put a star on the far right side and wrote Raleigh, I then put a star on the far left side and wrote OKC. I would question them about things such as, "do you think Nashville's in the south?" "how about Memphis?" "Little Rock's got to be about as Southern as anywhere, right?". With each answer I would fill another star along the line til I had all the cities lined up. I then wrote "I-40" on the line. So how can I be from the NORTH if all these cities sit on an east-west highway? You could say I was from the west (which is true), but I will tell you that eastern Oklahoma looks a lot like here, same trees, same plants and animals, same sweet tea, same grits - the only thing thats different is the barbeque.

    Yeah, I'm from the south.

  • 21 years ago
    last modified: 11 years ago

    Actually, technically, John, Oklahoma, Texas, New Mexico and Arizona are classified as the "Southwest."

    So you moved from the "Southwest" to the "Southeast."

    Still in the South... But then we're in the North to people who live in Mexico or Cuba or even Florida... which is kinda Oxymoronic, if ya think about it, since seemingly 99.5% of the people in Florida are transplanted Yankees :-P

  • 21 years ago
    last modified: 11 years ago

    No, I wasn't born in the south, but I got here as fast as I could!!!

    Nancy

  • 21 years ago
    last modified: 11 years ago

    Southern Florida is NOT the South, Jeff. It's a piece of NYC bumped down there for some warm weather in winter. If the place where John comes from has sweet tea routinely, it is probably South. I do not believe that all of Oklahoma is the South although most in that part of the "Indian Territories" fought for the Confederacy. It may be westward on I-40, but South is determined by a complex formula involving per capita population of Sons of the Confederacy, sweet tea comsumption, and state of mind. My mother shamed her family by being the first to marry a Yankee - NYC no less. Where I come from, we don't so much claim that we won the war, as we emphasize the number of Yankees we killed and where. NC is considered a border state by those in the Deep South, so I-40 is not a good metric to use anyway.

  • 21 years ago
    last modified: 11 years ago

    Well fiddle de de Brenda. Even though we might be considered a "border" southern state...Nothin could be finer than to be in Carolina. La de da dah... ha ha.

    Adele

  • 21 years ago
    last modified: 11 years ago

    Yep - I have been asked if Oklahoma was "Oklahoma" during the Civil War which it wasn't. It wasn't a state until 1907. But as Indian Territory, most of the tribes that had been moved there allied with the south (not all of them came from southern states either). Even though the population of OK is made up of a high percentage of Native Americans you don't see any reservations like you do in the Dakotas or New Mexico/Arizona - thats because the US government took away all their property as punishment for their involvement with the Confederacy.

    Sweet Tea and all the other trappings of the deep south are only routinely found in the far southeastern corner of the state as are wild muscadines and water moccasin and alligators. My family is from the western Oklahoma wheatfields which is mostly made up a immigrant Germans and Czechs.

  • 21 years ago
    last modified: 11 years ago

    Okay ya'll, want to hear somethin' funny? As a native Tx (San Antonio)and half my life in Baton Rouge and New Orleans, I consider myself to be a Southerner. Never mind that my nationality is Spanish, French, German and Japanese and I Don't speak with an accent (tho aww kin tuurnn it onnn when the need arises)and I don't like Sweet Tea (gasp!!) In fact I don't like any kind of tea unless it's a Long Island Iced Tea (tee-hee)Grits have never passed these lips. However, after spending a miserable 4 yrs in Baltimore while DH finished up some work, I couldn't wait to get back to the South again. Yes, I know MD is below the Mason Dixon line but those people were so Rude! I told DH I didn't care where we moved as long as it was in the South meaning "my" south---Tx, La, Ms, Alabama (didn't want to move to Florida Or!California)When he mentioned our possible move to N.C. I heard the word "north" and said No Way!! And being on the East Coast was another no way! But after much gentle persuasion and patience he finally convinced me to visit "just to see". I immediately liked the people we met. Their mannerisms and hospitality and of course I loved the idea of having some land so I was sold. Course now I'm freezing my zone 8b butt off but I reckon that just gives me an excuse to put some weight on. Hey, if my cats can do it (they are eating like Mad) then I can too. Ya'll take care now, C.

  • 20 years ago
    last modified: 11 years ago

    Hey Cory, I'll trade ya as many pounds as ya want... Anybody know the scientific formula for that???

    :)

  • 20 years ago
    last modified: 11 years ago

    One of the funniest expressions I hear is when getting directions I get something like this, "Turn right at the flying pig and then act like you are going to Augusta".

    The flying pig is the home of Maurice Bessinger's BBQ restaurant.

    I like it here, I have lived in Central SC for almost 20 years, it was quite an adjustment coming from Southern California but I wouldn't want to live anywhere else.

    We sent the kids to Colleges on the west coast as we wanted them to experience some diversity, other than that we were very happy to raise the kids here. The problems the kids faced growing up were much less complicated than the problems their father and I faced living in urban areas.

  • 20 years ago
    last modified: 11 years ago

    There's PLENTY of rude people in sanford. Especially if you are a welfare mom going to get WIC or if you are a Mexican trying to do just about anything. Rude isn't north or south. It's just people in general.

  • 20 years ago
    last modified: 11 years ago

    Gosh, Claire, I had NO IDEA you were a Welfare Mom, much less Mexican!

    You poor dear, you!!! :-P

  • 20 years ago
    last modified: 11 years ago

    Feliz navidad, jeff! my mucho ninos like the big happy man from sc too.

  • 20 years ago
    last modified: 11 years ago

    Y'all crack me up! Shannon

  • 20 years ago
    last modified: 11 years ago

    Jeff,

    You should try some shredded cheese in that rice of yours! Delicious. And there's absolutely nothing better on rice than gravy, either. It's even a nice addition to those green peas you like in your rice :-) It's true. Gravy makes everything a little better.

    ~Angie

  • 20 years ago
    last modified: 11 years ago

    Angie, I've been known to put SO MUCH cheese in my rice, on occasion, I've been asked if I was having any RICE with my CHEESE! :)

    Not really big on gravy, though... it tastes good, but it's too hard to make and I always figure it's made from too much bad stuff, on top of that... but yeah, I'll mix just about ANYTHING with rice... been known to pour honey on it, too.

    And as the saying goes... "beans 'n' rice -- pretty darned nice!"

    :)
    Jeff

  • 20 years ago
    last modified: 11 years ago

    Gravy is easy, Jeff. Just cook your cheap cut of pork or beef (cheaper the better) in a crock pot all day with the veggies you like (esp onion, carrot, leek, etc), a little water, and 2 bullion (SP?) cubes. At the end, take out the meat and put the rest in the blender with 3 tsp of corn starch (and 3 tsp of sour cream if you like it). I have a "blender on a stick gadget now' so it's even easier. Voila! Healthy gravy. Put the meat back in - you won't have to carve it, it will fall into chunks. My boys have been slurping it down over rice, usually with cornbread crumbled on top for years, and they don't even know it's how I sneak in extra veggies on them.

    Incidentally, the same recipe using either barbeque sauce with the meat or water/tomato sauce/chilli powder/onions with the meat makes rat BBQ beef/pork or chili. Lazy cook ---> she's out in the garden.

  • 20 years ago
    last modified: 11 years ago

    Ok, now I'm hungry...

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