HUG HUG! Hope you feel better.

Linda

Hi ednam: Consider yourself Grizzley Bear Hugged!!! Agree, what a bummer. But candy is good. (grin) Hope you are healing and will soon be shaving and flashing those sexy legs!!! But no more accidents! lol. Lots of positive vibes coming your way. Gloria

Big Hug Edna, look on the bright side, at least you aren't toting that cast around in the summer time!!

ok for a joke.............What do you call a mushroom that buys everyone in the bar a beer???.........................
......a FUN GUY (fungi)

corny but I hope it made you chuckle.

Mary

{{gwi:587813}}

Candy is good. You are allowed as much as you like while incapacitated. You also have permission to read supermarket tabloids while recuperating. They are not to be viewed during any other time except while in line at the grocery store and then you can only read the cover. lol You will have a hairy beast of a leg and don't shave in between cast changes!!!!!! That's the worst thing to do because the itching is unbearable when the hair starts growing back. Having a cast sucks but you must find ways to make it work for you. This is your chance to run everyone around you ragged, if for no other reason then it's amusing watching them do for you with a smile but grumbling under their breath that you will owe them big once you're fully ambulatory. Try to cheer up : )
Karyn

Hi Edna - Big hug from me ! tina_2
Hope this helps.

Here is a link that might be useful: {{gwi:587811}}

Edna..you got mail!..I sent you a dirty joke.. not a nice one to put on the board!

Thanks Guys...Karyn I love the way you think..LOL
So far, the award for best joke....Carmen hands down..I am still laughing...

Hugs and more Hugs,Hope you feel better soon,broke-a-los-ious,ain't good,Speedy recovery,and take care no more broke bones.Bonnie

Edna, I'm sending you some dirty jokes. Carmie, please yours to me.

jim

Hi Edna,
Consider yourself hugged!
I hope you mend quickly.
Take good care.
Karen
I`ll send you a joke too!

Hey Edna (((((HUGS))))) Hope your better real soon.
Here's a joke for ya..my son told me this one a few days ago, and it's the only one I can think of right now..not so dirty tho.
A pirate walks into a bar. He has a hook for a hand, an eye patch, and a peg leg. But also has a wheel sticking out of the front of his pants. Bartender asks, "Why do you have a wheel sticking out of your pants?" Pirate replies "Argh I don't know..but it's driving me nuts!"
Keep in mind it came from my 11 yr old, lol.
Daniella

Edna, send me your address and I'll send you one of those wooden back scratchers you can run down your cast, lol. I hope you heal fast and you take care of yourself. Merry Christmas! By the way take advantage of people having to wait on you hand and foot while you can, lol.

(((Edna)))...Do I dare send that joke to Jim.. LOL!!...I don't know if a male would appreciate it!..Whatcha think??..

Carmen...I think he can take it..esp. after the one he sent me.. Jim is a very bad boy.. LOL

Fun Guy!!! Rolf......That is a hoot!
Edna... I hope you get to feling better.. Soo how long with the cast and slaves? LOL use them to your advantage..
Kylie

Ok, Jim ...You asked for it! If you get offended ..blame Edna..LOL!!..You got mail!

Let me join you all, (((ednam))). I wish I was closer as I'd paint your cast with bright flowers and butterflys to cheer you up!!

Big Hug! I can sympathize with you, I've been through that for years now but you get to know you'll be back to your usual self in time and that's good.

Here's a funny, the men might not think so though...lol Please don't drink anything and go to the bathroom first... It goes like this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser
were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her ad equate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
A wesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to ca use muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"


What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it
again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.


Still in shock,
Tommy

BIG HUGS from me too Edna! Sorry you're in a cast.... Now, did I miss this somewhere? Probably. What exactly did you do???

Yep, nothing wrong with eating candy. I've been pigging out on the stuff Kylie sent... Can't stay away from it. What's wrong with gaining a few pounds over the holidays anyway? And you have a real good excuse so there's no way I'd be worrying about that! So tell us what you've done to yourself and how....

Wow!!!!! What a story! Tommy, you are a really great husband!!!! I would have loved, to see you with that ''itty bitty tazer''! Holy cow, are you okay? I guess, that gift would protect anybody - right? I am going to tell my dh , tonight. He will not beleive it. I am still Rotfl. What a man you are !!!
Goodluck - tina_2

Someone had better forward the dirty joke to me. Believe me I won't be offended : )
Karyn

Sandysseeds007
Oh my gosh!!! LOL that is so funny!!! just read it to DH
and could`nt hardly read it from laughing so much!
Thank you!
Karen

Gosh a cast on your leg is almost as good as being pregnant for an excuse to gain weight lol. Edna hope you heal up soon.

Tommy,

ROTFL LMAO!!! That brought tears to my eyes. My husband loved it too.

Linda

That was too funny SS007.

DO NOT BRING PLANTS IN THE HOUSE DURING COLD WEATHER

Garden Grass Snakes, also known as (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
Here's why....

A couple in Sweetwater Texas had a lot of potted plants. During a cold spell last year, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants, and when it warmed up a bit inside the house, it slithered out of the plant and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream! The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.
She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came in and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called the ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.
About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.

That's when the husband broke his leg and why he's still in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.

He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon, he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of his head with a bag of canned corn, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake.
So she went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occured. They were about to arrest them all, when the woman tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

The little snake again slid out from under the sofa. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and the bulb broke and it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to put out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes were seen by the neighbors who called the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were half way down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area, but they did get the fire out.

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring their plants for the night.
That's when he shot her...

Computer Dependency

This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers.

Are you male or female?* To find out the answer, look down...
> >.
> >.
> >.
> >.
> >
> >
> >
>*
>*
>*
> >
> >
> >
> >
Look down, not scroll down, dummy

That is Soooo funny!!!..Sorry to hear about your testicles..hope you find them real soon! LOL!!!

Karyn...you have mail!

In most of the United States, there is a policy of
checking on
any stalled vehicle on the highway when the
temperatures drop
down to single digits or below.

About 3 AM, one very cold morning, Trooper Allan
Nixon #658
responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder
of the road
outside Shattuck . He located the car, stuck in deep
snow, and with
the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car
with his
emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the
driver's door to find an older man passed out behind
the wheel with a nearly empty vodka
bottle on the seat beside him.

The driver came awake when the Trooper tapped on the
window.
Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror,
and the State
Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked.

He jerked the gearshift into 'drive' and hit the
gas. The car's
speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph,
but it was
still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning.

Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began
running in place
next to the speeding, but still stationary car. The
driver was
totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually
keeping up
with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then
the Trooper yelled, "Pull over!"

The man obeyed, turned his wheel and stopped the
engine. Needless to say, the man from Dumas, Texas
was arrested, and is probably still shaking his head
over the State Trooper in Oklahoma who could run 50
miles per hour.

Who says Trooper's don't have a sense of humor.

**************

Here's another one for you ( I love these stupid jokes)

Deer Roping

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall,
feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first
step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that since they
congregated at my cattle feeder and did not seem to have much fear of me a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not four feet away) that it should not be difficult to rope one get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it to a holding pen.I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The
cattle who had seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes my deer showed up - 3 of
them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the
feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.
The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was
mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards
it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and received an
education.
The first thing that I learned is that while a deer may just stand
there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action
when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT
stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could
fight down with a rope with some dignity. A deer, no chance!!
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no
controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.
At that point I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted
to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let
it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die, slow and
painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me
and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing and I would venture a
guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the
several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have it suffer a slow death. I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set beforehand. Kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would
have thought that a deer would bite somebody so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.
Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where
they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head -
almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and
draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was
ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several
minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than
a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it.
While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I
reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer
will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back
feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are
surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that when an animal like
a horse strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily,
the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive
move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond I devised a
different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a
horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you
in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and three times as evil, because the
second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now when a deer paws at you and knocks you down it does not
immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed.
What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
Now for the local legend. I was pretty beat up. My scalp was split
open, I had several large goose eggs, my wrist was bleeding pretty good and felt broken (it turned out to be just badly bruised) and my back was
bleeding in a few places, though my insulated canvas jacket had protected me from most of the worst of it. I drove to the nearest place, which was the co-op
. I got out of the truck, covered in blood and dust and looking like hell.
The guy who ran the place saw me through the window and came running out yelling "what happened"
I have never seen any law in the state of Kansas that would prohibit
an individual from roping a deer. I suspect that this is an area that
they have overlooked entirely. Knowing, as I do, the lengths to which law
enforcement personnel will go to exercise their power, I was concerned that they may find a way to twist the existing laws to paint my actions as criminal.
I swear...not wanting to admit that I had done something monumentally
stupid played no part in my response. I told him "I was attacked by a deer."
I did not mention that at the time I had a rope on it. The evidence was all
over my body. Deer prints on the back of my jacket where it had stomped all over me and a large deer print on my face where it had struck me there. I asked him to call somebody to come get me. I didn't think I could make it
home on my own. He did. Later that afternoon, a game warden showed up at my
house and wanted to know about the deer attack. Surprisingly, deer attacks are a rare thing and wildlife and parks was interested in the event. I tried to describe the attack as completely and accurately as I could. I was filling the grain hopper and this deer came out of nowhere and just started kicking the heck out of me and BIT me. It was obviously rabid or insane or something
EVERYBODY for miles around soon knew about the deer attack (the guy at
the co-op has a big mouth). For several weeks people dragged their kids in the house when they saw deer around and the local ranchers carried rifles when they filled their feeders. I have told several people the story, but NEVER anybody around here. I have to see these people every day and as an outsider - a "city folk". I have enough trouble fitting in without them snickering behind my back and whispering "there is the dumb *** that tried to rope the deer.

*******************

Last one for tonight (and I know it's not politically correct, just take for what it is):

**********************

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked
their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never
been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he
couldn't tell what the heck the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe
that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members
of the village should collect wood so they would be prepared for
it.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an
idea.

He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service
and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,"
the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect
even more wood in order to be prepared.

One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is
it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked.

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's
going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to
collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again.

"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very
cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be
one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood
like crazy."

o they were good...was laughing so hard at the deer one my eyes were tearing. THAT did NOT help my headache, lol. I have to share that one.

Wow, the jokes have been insane...sammyqc, you are a riot. This has been sooooooooooo much fun. What a great group. Edna

Edna, I had a cast on my left foot for the summer, it was horrible. I know you are depressed, but just think, it could have been worse. What color is your cast, mine was blue. Barbra

psh, that hairy thing is nonsense. I don't shave and it's quite liberating. I haven't since I was... I think just before I turned sixteen, so a good five or six years now. conventional standards of beauty are a load of bs. I don't wear makeup either and I'm just as loved by my friends.

what happened to your leg? :O

OMG - ROTFLMAO. . .

Oh Tommy - that was hysterical. . . .

Oh I don't ever remember laughing that hard so early - I couldn't even drink my morning coffee.

DH loved the taser thing also. He asked me to send that to him so he can share it with his buddies. LOL. . .

Edna - I hope you feel better. . .have a happy holiday.

Edna, here a BBBBBIIIIIIGGGGG hug from me to you! Hope you find something interesting and exciting to keep your mind off that cast. Merry Christmas to you and yours.

The rest of you are too much! You are not only keeping Edna from being depressed, but also giving us all a big laugh -- keep it up :-)

These are sooo funny that I almost wish I had a cast on my leg .... just fooling, just fooling!! What a fun group this is. Too bad we can't have an annual roundup and have one big bash!! With such funny and friendly people, Bet it would last us for the year. Thanks for the chuckles. Gloria

Ya'll are a HOOT!!!!
Kylie

Ria you sound like the girls of my generation, The so called Hippies. Thats what they did. To this day I don't care too much for makeup on a woman. Natural is best.

pst.. Hey! how are the cuttings doing??