Gardencpa ~ My heart goes out to you and your mother.

Hugs ~ FlowerLady

I am so sorry you had to experience this! My mother lived with my (sainted!) husband and me for a little over 6 years. There wasn't a year of it that was easy but the last year was hell for all of us. She had no dementia type problems but she had multiple other health issues, as you would expect from someone in their 80's. We had all the emotional mood swings, broken dishware, falls, drinking problems, and more. Some of it was funny, but most of it wasn't.
She moved into a retirement home and was there for 3 years. The last year, she should have been in assisted living but she didn't want it and somehow we never made it happen. She passed just about two years ago, but so much of those last couple years are burned in my memory that they seem like they happened days ago instead of years. When I look back I realize that most of our energy for 9 years went towards Mother. Weekends, vacations, holidays, grocery shopping, doctor visits, etc. People who have not cared for an elderly parent have no idea. Don't get me wrong, I am glad we did it because it needed to be done and there were wonderful moments too. But it was all consuming.
You are right to have your mother in an ALF, where she can get the constant care I'm sure she needs. Maybe from now on you can do just day trips with her and not try to have her overnight. I know it's hard, for both you and your mother.

If there's ever anything about this you would like to discuss off-line, don't hesitate to send me an email. (Solstice98@att.net). There's a lot of guilt that goes with being a caregiver and sometimes you just have to vent.

Kate

I am so sorry that you had this experience but I am glad that at leat you got to spend some time together. I also know about beinh a caregiver and I am here if you need to talk. Linda

Thanks guys. I just got back home about an hour ago. Part of the problem is that she is about 2 1/2 hours away so my sister gets the brunt of the fetch and carry type of caregiving, which is much more wearing. I took her dog to live with us (that was no hardship, he is a good guy), pay all the bills, deal with Medicare/Medicaid, talk on the phone every week or so and visit when I can. And then I would have her stay through the long Turkey Day weekend. It was always a lot of work, but rewarding for everyone. My kids got to see their Nana and she would enjoy time with them. I also have two brothers who are in NC and we would fly her up there each summer for a week. I can see that she won't go up there again either.

I'll just make a point to visit more often. Now that my kids are teenagers, the drive to the west coast of FL is not the production it once was. Life will just move on.

gradencpa. Im a caregiver for my dad.
He fell before Tday and fractured a lower vertebrae.
He is in Rehab now and fit to be tied.they treat him well but he wants out.I visit him daily and he STILL says he is so lonesome. I tell him ,"Dad when you were in your apt surrounded by all your friends and I came daily you told me you were lonesome."
It is difficult.This week Im finding out if he can go home. I give him showers,do his laundry and cleaning etc. But now with his back brace and all it will be harder.
Still, I am thankful for the time I have with him. He was out of my life for nearly 30 years so we are making up for lost time.
prayers and peace to you
tanya

I have to tell you this post has me concerned. With my youngest leaving for college next August, I keep telling anyone who will listen that I need a year off to recoup and recover from raising teenagers. I can't imagine going straight into the other part of the "sandwich"-parent care, but I can see it coming. My 87yr old MIL is at century village and has a boyfriend. The last time the Dr sent her to emergency, the Dr called the BF. I called the Dr's office and let them know we needed to be added to "the in case of" list!
My Dad is 80 and my mom not far behind.They have been married 58 yrs and now resemble the Bickersons...or for the younger crowd....the Lockhorns. My dad and I are alike but my mom and I can't get along for any length of time.
So all you caregivers have my admiration. God bless!

Our folks worried about us so much when we were young, now they've become so much older and debilitated...and the role reverses. It is so hard.

You did the right thing Gardencpa, but that probably doesn't make you feel any better. And I think you're pulling your weight in the matter with your sister's responsibilities vs. your's.

Tanya, a Home Health Agency can help your father after his rehab stay. E-mail me @ msmmetz@aol.com if you don't know about HHA'ss. (Re my e-mail addres, three m's, including the first one.)

My mom is in a skilled nursing facility. It was so painful to see her go from living in her own home and progress down the ladder. Still is. She was with me for awhile in that progression, but nowhere close to six years! (I'm very respectful, of what you and your husband went through, Kate.)

Best wishes to everyone, what they've been through and what they're dealing with now.

Mailyn

That is what I love about this forum. Even when it is NOT about plants, there is a great depth of knowledge and advice. I was thrown into this a bit earlier than most as my mom is only 66 and I am 43. When she went into assisted living, my kids were still in elementary/middle school and so we did not get that "off to college" break which, coffeemom, I really hope you get.

My in-laws are in their late 70's and in great health and have their retirement and later-in-life care planned down to the minute (or as much as you can) but we were all caught by surprise with Mom. My sister and I have found a good balance in splitting up the work and have avoided the conflicts that often occur when one sibling is closer than the other.

Thanks again for the advice and kind words.

Melissa

Michelle, thank you for your kind feedback, and most of all, good luck.

One other bit of advice from my brother. "You can't make her happy, no matter how hard you try."

This brother is a deep thinker, and 100% correct 100% of the time. So when those heart strings pull, remember that you cannot be responsible for your mom's happiness, nor can you change it no matter how many visits you make or miles you travel.

Sorry about babbling on, but this topic is near and dear to my heart.

It took me a long, long time to realize that I could not make my mother happy. I finally realized that even though she could be the 'life of the party' she had suffered from depression most of her life. Age-related problems and a dependence on alcohol and pain meds just made it worst. These are much more common issues with the elderly than most people realize and that combination of alcohol and meds really escalates the problem. Many doctors ignore it and many elders are very clever about hiding it. Knowing that it's happening doesn't really change anything, because you still keep trying, but it helped me to deal with it.

For those of you still dealing with elder parents and for those who are facing that prospect in the near future, another forum here can be very helpful. It's the Caregivers Forum on the Home forums side of GardenWeb. Good people there who have much to share.

Thanks very much for the link, Kate.