Paul:
I'm on my way out the door, to spend a few days of quiet in a beach cabin, but I gave your story a quick reading to see if I could at least get the [garden] ball rolling. I looked at the story as though it had been submitted to me as an editor.

The first thing I noticed are some silly typos (which annoy editors when they're grumpy to begin with), like "New Years" in stead of "New Year's" or "out side" instead of "outside" -- trivial stuff for sure, but some editors have trivial minds (and they're lazy and don't want to have to do any work on a story).

Next, I would have told you that you should add more specific details to the story to liven it up, and perhaps add a funny anecdote or two.

As in what "insect pests"? And how did their unexpected toughness surprise you. What "festivals and shows"? I'd ask you to name just one or two of the more important ones (but that may be my preferences and your editor may feel differently). Why do you say that "Mid-February is the best time to get your onions in the ground"? To say that "You have a few choices seeds, sets, or plants" merely sets the scene for me. And why is "This is one time when I like plants best"?

You might also want to be careful with the use of phrases like "I kind of like" and/or "I dont care if it is" -- just because they tend to annoy some editors.

Anyway, That's all I have time for right now. Ignore all of this if you think I'm quibbling.

John D has a valid point. I think typing and using email so much tends to make everyone let their guard down on making mistakes and letting them go. It was hard for me to concentrate on the story when I came across mistakes but that is just a quirk of mine. What I do is have my wife proofread my material before I submit it. She is very good at this. For the things you have posted on this forum I can tell I like you as a person and you talk the way I do with those "I kind of like, and I don't care if it is" phrases. (When I was in Seattle they laughed when I said Y'all and when I pronounced the "L" in salmon)
Let me tell you a little story: At a meeting of the Literary Round Table we were asked to pass out copies of our work and to read it to everyone so they could critique it. When it came my turn I read my piece and when I finished everyone clapped and said it was very good. That actually made me mad because I was seeking hard and honest comments, not praise. I find nothing wrong with your story line and everyone makes mistakes but it makes your work look more professional if you clean it up before submitting. I don't know why but I suspect this particular editor is not excited about vegetables, particularly onions. He might like something a bit more esoteric like describing the fragrance and delicate blossoms of say, a native azalea. If you get too discouraged with this one editor then switch to a different publication if this is possible. Don't give up.

Dangerous question Paul. Can I suggest that you write it again? This time half as long.
"As I sit here we have actually had a little winter weather. After a nice mild New Years (I was able to do my radio shows out side without a jacket) the cold hit. Many people like to see a little cold" becomes something like : After a mild start to the year the winter cold has suddenly kicked in, some people prefer this.......

Please take this for what it's worth because I am not a professional writer. I have a small stylistic comment: it might help the flow of the reading if you varied the length and structure of your sentences a bit. Intersperse short, simple, declarative sentences with a few longer, more complex sentences. As it is written, it feels a bit choppy.

Paul,

I really have to give you credit. It is a gutsy thing on your part to post this and invite critique. I'm sure that you shall benefit greatly.

Everyone above has made some accurate observations. These comments make me wonder what word processing program you use. I copied and pasted your article into Microsoft Word and most errors were caught by the program. With few exceptions, if Word catches it, you would be wise to change it. Simply using a better program would help your writing immensely.

Additional comments:
I think your article is too long. Most columns tend to be around 700 words. You should be able to convey your column message in that amount of words. If not, you need more editing.

Forget about including all those website URL's unless the article is online and the links are active. You might get away with listing one but a whole series of them is just gobble-dee-gook in print and a waste of space.

Your column covers WAY too many topics. As alluded to by some of the above comments, you need to further develop and expand upon some of your thoughts. If you develop these ideas adequately and adhere to the 700 word limit, it will force you to limit your topics. You can obviously include more than one subject but a relationship or segue should be developed between them. By not doing so, it conveys the choppiness mentioned above.

Keep at it. ;-)

IronBelly

Paul,

Another thought:
Is this editor a woman? The reason I ask is that contrary to the way I usually post on these forums, I really tone it down when I write a column for general consumption. Quite frankly, the majority who read garden related articles will probably be women. I make a conscious effort to throttle back the testosterone. I may be way off base and sure as heck don't claim to understand women. However, no way would I ever say in a column, Nothing says Valentines like onions.

Somehow, I just can't believe women are going to appreciate that line. You and I might. However, I just don't think the gals will see it the same. It is kind of a clever idea but I would rephrase it -- Boy, would I rephrase it!

IronBelly

Paul,
I agree with the other comments about the length, typos and too many short sentences. Editing the piece down so that it's shorter will help with all of those problems, because you'll see how you can combine sentences to make it shorter and vary the length of the lines.

I would also recommend that you think more about having the first sentence in your paragraph refer to the last sentence of the last paragraph as well as introduce the thought that is coming up in the writing to follow. In other words, that first sentence should be a transition from one paragraph to the other so that things flow smoothly and the reader is clued in to where the piece is going.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but my guess is that you didn't do too much rewriting after the first draft. I've found that the best way to improve what I've written is to read it aloud (off of hard copy, not the computer screen) so that I can hear some of the mistakes. It's easier to spot when you've repeated a word too many times in the same sentence or paragraph, for example, when you read it aloud. I'd also recommend having someone else read your piece and make comments and corrections before you submit it.

One of the best writing exercises I ever did was to write pre-recorded pieces for radio. I had to do a two minute piece every week that explained a gardening subject completely and in an entertaining way. Two minutes is about 320 words. I would write out everything I wanted to say, and then Id go back and cut out about two thirds of the words! It was a weekly demonstration of how many extra words we normally use when we write.

I've taken the liberty of re-writing your first two paragraphs to demonstrate how you could rewrite your piece:

After a nice mild New Years, we have had a little cold winter weather. Although many people like to see the temperatures dip because they think well have fewer insect pests the following summer, unfortunately, this is a myth. The insects spend the winter well protected, and we may as well get cozy ourselves and enjoy the change of pace that the season brings.

In the month ahead there are garden festivals and shows to attend, books and catalogs to read, and plans to make. The cooler months dont have to be completely sedentary however; for those who need to get their fingers in the dirt, there is some gardening that can be done. My cohort says Nothing says Valentines like onions but hes referring to planting time, not demonstrations of affection! Mid-February is the best time to get your onions in the ground, and gardeners have many varieties to chose from.

Oklahoma gardeners should stay away from Vidalia onions because the big V only develops its characteristic flavor in Vidalia and the surrounding counties in Georgia. In Oklahoma it will just taste like a yellow onion. I think that the Texas 1015y is the best sweet onion variety for this area, but blank, blank and blank are also good types for this area.
(Put in two or three other onion types - because you said that there are many varieties to choose from you should give more than one good one)

In a nutshell: edit and rewrite, leave what youve written for a day or two, then edit and rewrite again!
C.L.

And I have just demonstrated the importance of reading a piece again and again to correct errors... I used the words "this area" twice in the last sentence when I re-wrote your piece; I read this over THREE TIMES before pushing the submit button, and didn't catch it!
C.L.

This is the most valuable thing I have ever read on this forum. Thank you Paul, and thanks to all who responded.

First off, Thank You!

I am really just a amature in professional's clothing.

The length of the article is according to specification. I would actually prefer a shorter space. My weekly articles are about 500 words.

Yes, I should proof more.

This is a regional (state specific publication) so the voice should be appropriate.

The editor agrees with many of you that I covered too many topics and it was too choppy. My thought was that winter is a time when many people 'forget' about gardening and wait for spring. There are many activites for the gardener even during the month of Feb.

I've been lurking here a bit, and this is probably the most interesting thread I've come across yet. Not only was Paul willing to stick his neck out, but those who responded were thoughtful with their criticism. Well done all.

I'm a long-time full-time professional writer:

It's too long, not focused and needs to be rewritten to combine and condense the information. It lacks specific detail ... you are talking about protected insects and festivals without naming any of them.

Any ONE of the paragraphs could have made a nice article if expanded with concrete detail (bugs and how toeliminate their shelters, onions, garden shows, wintre relaxatoin): "Nothing says Valentine's Day like onions" would have been my choice, as an off-beat look at the season.

Never one to give up - here is a rework for my weekly article.

Greetings from the garden - I enjoy this time of year because we get a little rest. Not a lot of rest because of all the festivals and shows, including the Oklahoma Garden Festival next week downtown.

There is still plenty of gardening to be done. As my cohort says Nothing says Valentines like onions. This is true, at least in terms of when we need to plant them. Mid-February is the best time to get your onions in the ground to ensure that largest bulbs possible. You have a few choices variety wise. What ever you do dont fall for the Vidalia onion hype. The big V only tastes like the big V if it is grown in Vidalia county and the surrounding counties in Georgia. In Oklahoma it will just taste like a yellow onion. The Texas 1015y is the best sweet onion variety for Oklahoma. So do like I do and give your sweetheart a bunch of 1015s for Valentines.

There is still a little time for armchair gardening. The seed catalogs started flowing in after the holidays and they are sooooooo enticing. I love to dream about all the new gardens I am going to put in this year. The dreams are so much easier to handle than the shovel and wheelbarrow. I start making lists of the seed I want to order. There is always a couple from Burpees and a few from Territorial Seed and a few more from Seed Savers and and and. I try to list all the seeds from all the companies on one sheet of paper with cost (including shipping). I try not to let my wife see this list. She gets to see version 2.0 or so. Once I regain consciousness I start to weed the seeds. I try to cut the list in half and maybe half again. My eyes are always bigger than my appetite, or at least my budget. I know seeds are pretty economical, but I dont usually need 50 Echinacea. Why dont all the seed companies offer a seed packet with about 10 seeds for about a dollar? I would order a lot more from a company that catered to my kind of gardener. Once I have paired my list down I let my wife take a look at it. She is pretty good at reducing it further. I dont like this color, Im allergic to this, or we dont have 10 acres Gosh, I hope she doesnt read this?. Dont forget to visit your local garden center. They carry many of the seeds you want and you dont have to pay shipping.

Ok, now I have the secret for your 2004 garden. To borrow an overused phrase Just Do It. Thats right, dont let this season go without doing something in the garden that you really want to do. I dont care if it is a water garden, an arbor, new blackberries, or an island bed in the front yard. You wont be disappointed if you go for it. Here is an example - last year we put a hoophouse in the backyard. Weve wanted a hoophouse for several years, but we never got a round to it. It has been wonderful to enjoy a fresh home grown salad all winter.

There are so many projects on my 2004 wish list that I need to quit my job or get another one so I can afford to have someone else do the grunt work. I want a new porch in the front and a new patio in the back The new patio will need an arbor. A water garden would be wonderful. Oh well, good luck with your wish list.

Much improved but I am sending you by separate email my proofed copy .

No Eddie. The whole point is to do it out in the open. Post your "proofed copy" here then we can critique that too. If anyone is game, do you want to do Paul's article your way?
"Nothing says Valentine's day like onions."
Thank you Paul for sticking your neck out we might all learn something as a result.

All right acj, I am going to attempt coloring my petty markup here:
Paul, I will take the liberty of highlighting things I feel need correcting though I feel your story is vastly improved.

Greetings from the garden - I enjoy this time of year because we get a little rest. Not a lot of rest because of all the festivals and shows, including the Oklahoma Garden Festival next week downtown Downtown where?

There is still plenty of gardening to be done. As my cohort says Nothing says Valentines like onions. This is true, at least in terms of when we need to plant them. Mid-February is the best time to get your onions in the ground to ensure that (use "the" not that) largest bulbs possible. You have a few choices variety wise. What ever (whatever, one word) you do dont fall for the Vidalia onion hype. The big V only tastes like the big V if it is grown in Vidalia county and the surrounding counties in Georgia. In Oklahoma it will just taste like a yellow granex onion. The Texas 1015y is the best sweet onion variety for Oklahoma. So do like I do and give your sweetheart a bunch of 1015s for Valentines. (1015y's?)

There is still a little time for armchair gardening. The seed catalogs started flowing in after the holidays and they are sooooooo enticing. I love to dream about all the new gardens I am going to put in this year. The dreams are so much easier to handle than the shovel and wheelbarrow. I start making lists of the seed I want to order. There is (are)always a couple from Burpees and a few from Territorial Seed and a few more from Seed Savers and and and (and so on). I try to list all the seeds from all the companies on one sheet of paper with cost (including shipping). I try not to let my wife see this list. She gets to see version 2.0 or so. Once I regain consciousness ( I know you are being humorous but the consciousness line doesn't work for me as presented) I start to weed (weed out) the seeds. I try to cut the list in half and maybe half again. My eyes are always bigger than my appetite, or at least my budget. I know seeds are pretty economical, but I dont usually need 50 Echinacea. Why dont all the seed companies offer a seed packet with about 10 seeds for about a dollar? I would order a lot more from a company that catered to my kind of gardener. Once I have paired (pared) my list down I let my wife take a look at it. She is pretty good at reducing it further. I dont like this color, Im allergic to this, or we dont have 10 acres Gosh, I hope she doesnt read this? (not a question so ditch ?). Dont forget to visit your local garden center. They carry many of the seeds you want and you dont have to pay shipping. I would reword this to say something like: Local garden centers will carry many of the seeds you want and you will save the cost of shipping so visit them first.

Ok, (Okay)now I have the secret (to success) for your 2004 garden. (something doesn't sound right here, don't open with okay, now) To borrow (to repeat a phrase,)an overused phrase Just Do It. Thats right, dont let this season go without doing something in the garden that you really want to do. I dont care if it is a water garden, an arbor, new blackberries, or an island bed in the front yard. You (front yard, you-no period just comma is it is a continuation of the same sentence) wont be disappointed if you go for it. Here is an example - last year we put a hoophouse in the backyard. Weve wanted a hoophouse for several years, (no comma) but we never got a round (around is one word) to it. It has been wonderful to enjoy a (ditch the "a" and pluralize salads) fresh home grown salad all winter.

There are so many projects on my 2004 wish list that I need to quit my job or get another one so I can afford to have someone else do the grunt work. I want a new porch in the front and a new patio in the back The new patio will need an arbor. A water garden would be wonderful. Oh well, good luck with your wish list, (add- and I will dream on.)
The story still seems a slight bit fragmented going from onions to what you want to what I want , your wish list, my wish list. I can't put my finger on it but I think JC forinari offered the best observations further back in the forum.
This is all offered in good spirit. I wasn't going to post this here because it may seem a bit too critical. Again, proofreading of this sort will make articles more editor friendly.

Still too scattered ... and you are wasting good ideas.

Break them apart and concentrate on htem:

Make this week's on the upcoming festivals and hwy people should go.

Next weeks on "nothing says Valentine's Day like onions"

etc.

Eddie,

I had to chuckle at your choice of red for your editing comments. Yes, this is the traditional choice of editors for markups. However, it brought back memories of a former stint as a technical writer for service/repair manuals -- an entirely different brand of writing. For this style of writing, the company I worked for refused to hire anyone with a degree in English because they used far too many words. For example: We were not allowed to even use the word "the" because it was superfluous. We wrote phrases, not sentences, to go with photos marked up by circles, arrows and other descriptive callouts. Anyway, every time one of us submitted some work to our editor, we waited in angst to see how "bloody" it came back.

IronBelly

IB:
That sort of thing can take the joy out of writing.

I was going to comment about newspaper writing, but I think I'll start a separate thread.

"Nothing says Valentine's day like onions."
The year started off almost balmy but now there is a nip in the air which some people believe will kill off that other nipper in the air: insects. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but this is, unfortunately a myth as anyone who knows their onions will testify.
Talking of onions, my partner, perhaps by way of a hint, said Nothing says Valentines day like onions, right out of the blue. I had to agree because I was pleased to have our conversation take an horticultural turn especially as I was hoping to slide my new seasons seed list past her, even if talking Valentines day could open up a potentially expensive avenue. Tradition has it that onions should be in the ground by the 14th of February all other connections with St. Valentine are merely coincidental or in this case circumstantial. One thing not traditional with onions is the profusion of varieties and if you have not grown onions before be aware that some onions, like for instance the Vidalia will not be at their best on Oklahoma soil, in my opinion the Texas 1015 will be a sweeter choice. To add to the confusion is the availability of seed, sets and plants, I like to use plants because I can gain a bit of time.
Time for what? you may well ask. Well there are shows to attend, seeds to order, plans to make: okay you caught me, time to relax and dream about what my garden will be like whenever the sun shines. In the meantime it is too cold for gardening, if you want me Ill be in an armchair drooling over seed catalogues.
Remember this is Valentines day as in hearts and flowers not massacre.

Oh well, I killed that stone dead, sorry Paul.

Did I ever tell y'all about the time when I was in the Army at Fort Sill Oklahoma at age 17 and a thousand miles from home (not to mention weighing only 106 lbs.) I wrote my mother a letter and she wrote me back enclosing my previous letter in which she had circled in red a word I had misspelled? Good old Mom.

That's funny! But it shows she really cared.