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Did building your home put a strain on your relationship with...

Posted by mcassel (My Page) on
Sat, May 19, 07 at 19:22

You're just having argument #1. More will follow.

Who will do most of the work? My bet's you, because he's already indicated his disinterest in so HUGE an undertaking. In my family it's me, too; I knew it would be, but sometimes it still feels unfair.

Do you really have time to do it?

Do you really have the money to do it? (It will cost much more than you can possibly imagine. With a purchased house, you know the biggest cost. The remodeling will cost more than you can imagine also, but it's not mandatory.)

Are you an avid reader and researcher, way beyond asking questions on a forum? And willing to learn a new language, to master technical stuff that you may have little interest in, but which is vital to your success?

Are you thick-skinned? Able to tolerate being in a position of little control, while everything you own is riding on it? Able to handle rapid switcharoos, not of your own making--agile like a boxer?

Are you comfortable with the idea that all the people you hire to help you will become problems to you themselves?

I'd give myself about a C- on all this tests. I always wanted to build my dream home and I intend to finish up what I started, but it won't be without some scars--mostly mental! I have gotten a little medication from my MD and that's holding me together. So far. LOL

To All: Please jump in here

My husband thinks I'm hugely underestimating how stressful this would be

Your husband is right. You both need to be absolutly on the same page. Even then, it's going to be stressful and you will have disagreements. Unless he's in total agreement, you are waaaaay better off purchasing an existing home.

DO read the thread posted above...

With the right builder, it's as stressful or not as you want it to be.

Building new is definitely faster and cheaper with fewer compromises than major renovations.

If you actually plan to physically DIY that's another matter. You want a hobby for five years, be my guest!

With us the tables were turned and DH was the one to want to build and me wanting to buy and renovate. We put an offer on the only candidate we found and didn't get it.

I finally came around as I relized it was our best bet to build instead of finding something. I know it is going to be stressful and I'm not looking forward to that part especially since we are building 90 miles away from where we are during the week. I'm hoping it will be worth it though.

I will chime in and agree with the previous posters that you really need to look at your relationship, abilities, and individual personalities before making a decision. We just finished building a custom home which we GCd ourselves and loved every minute of it (building wise). However, that being said it is definitely not for everyone and it is very stressful at times and time consuming all the time.

My husband was not thrilled with the idea either when I approached him with it 6 years ago. But he slowly came around as he saw that it was something I was seriously interested in learning and didnÂt have any romantic illusions that building our dream home would be easy and fun. I always knew that it was "my" project and that almost all of the planning, scheduling, purchasing, contact with subs, etc would fall on my shoulders. That part didnÂt bother me as I didnÂt expect it to be any other way but I honestly thought that he would help at home more  with the kids and cleaning, etc because I was basically working full time on the house, plus homeschooling the kids and working part time doing accounting for my parentÂs business. That did put a strain on our relationship and then some outside events (unrelated to the build) occurred that REALLY strained it. We made it through with many tears and are closer than ever however it could have gone the other way  we had the benefit of going in with a fairly strong marriage. If I could go back in time I would still do everything the way we did however I wish we were just starting instead of just finishing because our personal life was so stressful this past year that it would have been better to have those stresses occur at separate times. However, none of us know what life is going to throw at us so we have to make decisions based on the here and now.

I truly think that remodeling would be more stressful for me than building from scratch but others may feel differently. While building new I found it easy to separate my emotions from the build and treat it like a business project, which greatly helped in dealing with the stressful situations that arose. If I remodeled I would want to do it before moving into the home. I think that living amongst the work is what creates the most stress of all.

If your marriage is strong and you can handle it being "your" project than go for it. Know that it will be stressful and donÂt hold any romantic illusions otherwise. It will be more fun and less stressful if you go into it with the right attitude. As I am always telling my kids  the right attitude is the key. Also look at what kind of person you are in handling stress. My mom fell apart when her custom French door was delivered and it wasnÂt right. We knew it would get fixed so I wasnÂt stressed  it was merely an inconvenience. There are a lot of those inconveniences during a build and if you are the type to fall apart about all of them then you and your DH will have a miserable time. If that is yours (or his) personality type than either quickly develop a thick skin or buy an existing house. Good luck and let us know which way you decide to go.

Boy, I agree with alymarie, who mentions that buying and remodeling can be equally stressful, if not more so, because you are living in the house the whole time the remodeling is going on. If you can live somewhere else while you are building new, you definitely have an advantage.

Joan

I think that a lot of this depends on your builder. I have to say that, though we're nearing the end of the construction process, we have had minimal stress. Our builder handles EVERYTHING, and he handles it well, and he's honest, so we know that we can trust him. He's not above dipping into his own funds to correct a mistake, even if the mistake was made by a vendor that we chose. Our propane guy vented the propane straight out the front of our lovely, expensive white metal roof, because it was easiest for him. He made sure to do this on a day when no one was around. Our builder is not only moving the vent, but he's buying an entire new sheet of metal, instead of patching that one, because he doesn't want it to look sloppy.

He said something that I thought was indicative of how he handles our build. I commented to him how little stress we've had, and he said, "When youre building a house, you have to expect that problems will come up. Its how you handle it that makes it a good or bad building experience." And that was exactly true; he takes full responsibility for all the work, so that we can breathe a sigh of relief.

Our build is completely custom, too, from the house plan that we designed from scratch, to our choices for every finish, cabinet, tile, etc. We've had a blast picking things out, but then again, my husband and I have tastes that are perfectly in sync. We have never yet disagreed on a choice, which I think is an incredible thing.

So, in essence, the amount of stress depends on how reliable & honest your builder is, as well as how similar your tastes are to those of your spouse. If everything falls into place, you can build without much wear & tear on the marriage. I'm a teacher and find that my work is infinitely more stressful than our homebuilding process was.

Good luck!
Heather W

Thank you for your thoughtful comments. I'm about to start reading that other post!

You just need to take your husband into confidence..Actually to buy an old one and then renovate them is more difficult to buy a new one!!
More over houses tend to have a limited life so better go for new...The link might help you i suppose

oh sweetie, i don't even have a hole in the ground yet and i'm pulling my hair out. just getting your plans approved could result in trial seperation. besides having BOTH of you agree to build in the first place, you'll need to come to mutual agreements on every little thing. ...right down to the nails in the flooring (which you'll have to agree on, not to mention the finish.) GL whatever you decide. dh and i both wanted this. now we've got it and it's not as much fun as i thought it'd be.

We're a year since we put the offer on the land and into the build for two months. Examine your personality types. My DH is analytical and takes FOREVER to make decisions. I fondly call him my brakes (most of the time). We had a rattlesnake in the house earlier this week, our French doors and windows are being installed beginning Monday and I still can't get him to make a decision on the front door. ARGHHH!! I constantly have to ask questions like "what additional information do you need to help you make a decision?", he drags his feet and then the decision has to be made in 15 minutes. Buy lots of tylenol.
On the positive side, the house is coming along nicely.
Another thing: we bought a partially completed house and talked to an architect about changing room layouts. We cheaped out and hired a designer and we are finally almost ready to have approved plans for the garage which were supposed to be done in December. The house, on the other hand, is framed, the AC/heating is in/ electic and rough plumbing are done and the pool is gunited. We now have to have the garage/casita catch up!! It all has to be done at the same time. The architect would have been a better decision.
Moral of that story is: sometimes cheaper is not faster or better. It ends up costing much more in the end.

My husband is a GC. We are building our own house and it is STILL much, much more stressful then we every imagined it would be.

Our company is small - we build one to two custom homes at a time. But as dh just said - when you are doing all the decision making of a homeowner + the work of a contractor, building a home becomes a monumental task. It is not for the faint of heart.

Good luck!

I agree - building can be very stressful. In my opinion you can reduce the stress in two ways: by doing a lot of research into all the aspects of building, making all your choices ahead of time and discussing everything about the choices with your DH. OR you can simply give up all control and let the builder make the decisions.

Of course, this is all dependent on finding a good builder. And that is the hardest part of all. If you read messages here, you will see many with horror stories of bad, incompetent or simply dishonest builders. Those of us who are lucky enough to have good builders don't tend to write as many messages.

These days, I think many of the smarter, more competent builders are getting into new building technologies. hmp2z and I are both building ICF (insulated concrete form) houses - we both seem to have had fairly uncomplicated builds without a lot of problems. The downside is that the building cost may be more for the new technologies, though the maintenance and cost of running should be less.

No matter what, making ALL those decisions for everything that goes into a house is hard - you will be surprised at how many choices you have to make, if you build a custom house.

Read a lot, do your research and it should be a wonderful experience! Good Luck!

The fact that your post starts with "settling a debate" suggests to me that you are not ready to begin the home building process. You also state that you (not we) have looked at a lot of houses and they are not what "we" are looking for. My wife and I have built and "remodeled" and both are certainly stressful, but there are many more questions that you need to answer together and up front before embarking on a homebuilding marathon. For us, it took everything both of had and I cannot begin to imagine how hard it would be if only one spouse was committed. I may just be spitballing here but perhaps your husband is trying to tell you that your financial circumstances won't allow you to accomplish your "dream" and that the stress will actually be caused by economics rather than decisionmaking. Be honest and talk it out. Better happy together in a shack than unhappy in a mansion. Good luck.

You are underestimating the stress that building a house creates. You have 2 choices- 1) get your husband interested in building a house, or 2) give it up. Building a custom home is one of the most stressful experiences in life...even when both partners are highly involved and motivated. I can't imagine doing this without the full support of my husband. All of the above advice is pretty much the same...you don't want to have it just be your project. Having your "project" is fine if you are doing some gardening/sewing/craft project...these won't potentially cause you and your family financial problems if not handled appropriately- building a house can. I don't think that major monetary decisions should fall solely on one spouses' shoulder. If you do this without your DH's full support, you are accepting all of this risk. I would not choose to put myself in that situation.

Have you been reading a lot here? Then you now realize that you are hugely underestimating how stressful it is. Are you still convinced you want to go ahead with building anyway?

If yes, then do this: your husband has already communicated that he is not interested, doesn't want to make all the decisions, put up with the hassle, or experience the stress on the relationship. (I think that's what he means.) Here's what he didn't tell you: he's not going to be much help; he's still going to want to have a say in things (or will later criticize your decisions) EVEN though you're going to do all the work. He's also not going to want to listen to your distress, or see you upset, or be inconvenienced by your moods or your unavailability to have the usual level of relaxation around the house. He's going to get upset when the laundry, meals, whatever else you usually do doesn't get done because your mind and energy is elsewhere. And you know what? You're gonna get blamed for his inconvenience because YOU were the one who wanted to take this on after all.

How am I doing everybody?

It's like having a child--you both need to be fully committed to it and it's still gonna be hard.

Could you try the remodeling of a house instead? But only if you don't have to live in it at the time. Then you can argue over what he meant by a "little" remodeling when you blow it up into more than he bargained for.

Or do I just need to increase my own medication?

If you two aren't on the same page you are going to have 2-3 years of pure hell.

You will be excited about everything and he will be a wet blanket. When you have a stressful moment and need to vent he will say I told you so.

We are using a builder but this is by far the most stressed out I have been in my life. It's not that I'm making life and death decisions it's just the day to day grind of building. EVERYBODY here probably knows what I'm talking about.

I have total support from dh. We have both had our ups and downs but have always been there for each other on our really bad days. I can't imagine if we weren't really in this together mentally.

Building is stressful, no doubt.

I agree with all of the above. But, I can't advise you into a remodel either -- unless it's a minor one. I've lived through that, and it's TERRIBLE (6 months without a kitchen -- not even a sink!). You usually don't get the payback on that either. You say you have a year or two. That's good. The 2 of you need to make this decision together and it's a big one. Basically, the pros of new are - you can pretty much get what you want, and everything will be new (no repair issues, etc.). As far as a remodel goes, it can work if you plan to live in it for a good while. It will cost more in the long run, because remodel or not, the house itself will still be considered an older home -- also, an addition will typically cost you more per square foot than a new build.

Sorry, I probably haven't much help. But if I were you, I would take at least 6 months to try to come to an agreement with DH before you go either way.

What charliedawg said.

Yeah, what charlie and grandma said. I would equate building a house when only one wants to with having a baby when only one wants to.

Go for it! Actually first come to an agreement on how decisions will be made. Understand it is a HUGE job. But... if you always wanted to do it you will NEVER be satisfied buying something already made. As to both being on board actually I am in year 6? and have made most of the decisions myself -- my wife trusts me. It is very challenging but also very rewarding.

Yes, building is stressful, but it's not as though remodeling is a lavender scented hot rock massage...

The stress of building can be greatly reduced if you--
1-have the right plan, with EVERY detail spelled out in black and white.
2-have the right builder: honest, trustworthy, who won't try to hose you by cutting corners [ie, deviating from the plan].
3-refuse to worry about confronting the builder when he does deviate: remember, he's signed the contract. Reminding him of the details therein is an act of kindness, not aggression. Be polite, clear, and firm. Any change from the plan must be negotiated between the parties to their mutual satisfaction.
4-keep your expectations realistic. Nothing is ever perfect, and if we expect it to be, we're just setting ourselves up for dissappointment. Don't make the perfect the enemy of the good.
5-keep things in perspective, don't allow yourself to dwell on petty details, remember how lucky you are to be creating this place called home. If you spend anytime in the kitchen forum, you'll meet otherwise sane people who are in actual pain trying to choose between two brands of identical white subway tiles, or two minutely different shades of beige paint, as though paint is more permanent than plastic surgery: a HUGE portion of building stress is self inflicted.

Mind, I'm not claiming to have mastered the art of the stress free build-- quite the contrary. If only I could find someone to tattoo the 'Serenity Prayer' to the inside of my eyelids, I'd make some real progress...

lincolnduncan: The consensus here has pretty much settled the debate. He is right; you are wrong. (If you value your relationship above the house.)

I have only one other tactic to suggest: I'm assuming you're willing to do all the work, but let him make decisions with you (you don't get to decide just because you're doing the work). I'm assuming you're willing to keep up all your usual responsibilities and loving behavior within the relationship. With those assumptions, which will be givens to him, ask him this:

Are you willing to go along with building a new house at all? [If he says yes, then ask this:] What would all your conditions be for doing that?

Write them down and then abide by them.

My DH and I did that at the very beginning, when he dreaded the entire project. I have kept my end of the bargain. Then to sweeten the deal for him, I have continually asked what he wants. And I have fought the budget and the designer and the builder to include the things that are important to DH. Even when he was ready to compromise them. Now he's extremely enthusiastic because, in part, he sees that I'm trying to make him happy too. It's been an amazing change in his attitude. (I think he was mostly overwhelmed by the magnitude of the project and the time involved. I've tried to protect him from that, and from seeing me grapple with that.)

Disclaimer: That doesn't mean your DH will respond the same way.

lincoln

Stress is only one aspect - and it is more painful than any book or post can convey.

The risk involved is the other aspect which you must think through. I never realized how much of a risk we were taking not only trusting that our builder would deliver, but with the land itself (we are building on a mountainside lot.) Things worked out (with a big overrun in excavation) - but could have easily been 10 times worse than where we ended up. It's a gigantic risk, and you have to be mentally and financially prepared to deal with the potential for big issues, even if the probability at the start of the project seems low (e.g. builder dies, you hit a rock shelf, builder goes belly up or walks, .....)

With all of that said, in the end the pain and risk might still be worth it. You have to ask yourselves how badly do you want those features you cannot find anywhere else? What is your action plan if you hit major stumbling blocks? How will you handle it individually and as a couple?

As our house nears completion, and the big risks are finally past us, we can now see what we built as a unique and special place that we will live in happily for a very long time. We have about 2 to 3 months to go, drywall is going in today. But my gosh has it been a very nerve racking experience. Would we do it again? - no way. Am I glad we did it? - yes indeed!

Your DH is correct about the stress (ok - he can be right one time) but that does not mean that you shouldn't pursue your dream.