"While I guess there is always a lesson to be learned, I don't understand why some people have much harder lessons to be learned."

there are no good reasons for that, I think it's the luck of the draw, honestly.
And it's not fair.

Some people fall back on their faith to explain bad things, it helps them accept it better I guess.

Each one of us will deal with suffering, illness, aging and death. There is no one who escapes these. We did not create this world and we did not ask to be born. Instead we are given the realities of life and must make the most of it in the time we have. Each moment is precious in its own way, even the painful ones.

Without suffering, would we know compassion? Without sorrow, would we know joy? Without sadness, would we know gladness?

We don't know why the sun shines...we only know that without it, we couldn't live, yet too much and we die.

I don't have an answer to why... but your question brought to mind an expression attributed to Abraham Lincoln...God must love the poor because he created so many of them.

I think I know what your feeling, Anele. I tend to deal with these things fairly well and "soldier on," but sometimes the bad things seem overwhelming. Last year, a young mom of two little ones (one of her kids was in my class) passed away from cancer she thought she had beaten and at the same time my 13 year old dd's close friend was diagnosed with cancer and my dh was faced with unemployment along with a whole slew of close friends who worked with him. I tried to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was hard.

Other times, just reading the paper or watching the news can just suddenly make the world seem like a nasty place.

I wish I had an answer for you, but do try to remember that there are wonderful, hopeful things happening way more often than the bad.

Anele, I am glad you came here to share your feelings. There are just times in life that you feel overwhelmed by it all. All you can do is recognize these feelings.
We can only do our best to be helpful and supportive of those in need at any particular time. That said,, you need to take the time to take care of yourself emotionally. Talking to close friends and family does help as well as coming here. (((Hugs)))

I agree with the sentiments of daisy and ellendi -you just kind of bump along, and suddenly it seems as if you are surrounded by tragedy and misery. I am reminded at those times, of how *physical* grief and suffering can be. For me, it can vary from feeling as if I have the flu to just feeling weighed down, as if I am truly being squashed down with the weight of so much suffering. So we can't know why... I guess all we can do is be compassionate, reach out, try to help....and have hope that it won't always be like this. We will have days again where we have to look harder for the tragedy and misery....

I have come to grips in my own mind with why I think bad things happen. I've had enough "bad" things in my life that eventually I found a way to explain it to myself. Especially as the years go by, I've been able to see how something "bad" has led to something good either for me or for others. If you don't believe in some kind of higher power it might be harder to come up with an explanation.

I have been thinking about this idea lately too though based on some things that have been happening to people I know. Some people have so much tragedy and grief - why does one person have to deal with so much?

It's an imperfect world where a lot of bad things happen but as you say there are many good things too. I try not to dwell on the bad though if you pay any attention to the media, it makes it hard to do since bad news sells.

Yes, we all do experience our own challenges in life, some are more severe than others and some like the situation you mentioned with your friends child are beyond heartbreaking and truly not fair. Many of us are in the midst of a terrible situations and I know in our case, I often wonder, why us? There just isn't a reasonable conclusion that can help to make it easier. Oddly enough, it's been the strangers I've interacted with these last few months that have brought me (personally) the most comfort and that has been a true life saver.

Mitch, yes, I agree. I think much of it is luck of the draw. This is why I do not understand prayer. I understand when people say they are praying for guidance/strength, but not for a specific outcome. Is it like God will feel sorry for them or "hear" them? Does God normally not? Do you have to be good for God to grant your wish? Trust me, I DO hope it works (somehow, prayer will work) but I don't get it.

Annie, yes, absolutely-- without darkness, how do we see light. But, some people just seem to be dealt with too much. Like losing a child . . .that just seems (to me) to be the worst thing in the world. And, then, to violence? Oh my goodness. I have been through some bad things, but no, nothing that could ever compare to that. And please (if the praying and having a wish granted works), please let my family never have to lose a child! Nice Lincoln quote! True!

Daisy, I am so sorry to hear of this news of your friends and family. I do agree that so many wonderful things happen. Currently, I feel very lucky. I am grateful for this. I know it can change at any moment. Just struggling to understand how my life is OK right now while others suffer so much.

Ellendi, thank you so much. I appreciate the support! I suppose that is the problem-- I think of these things too much. It really affects me, so I refrain from watching the news . . .but I cannot escape that which happens to friends and family. And, I do not want to escape, really, but just help and be proactive.

Best, so true. It is physical! And yes, in my personal life, I would have to look hard to complain. I certainly have struggles but only 1st world ones. :)

Gibby, I would like to believe this. I took a philosophy of religion class, and the professor explained it similarly-- that the good unfolds eventually. But I cannot see this in ALL cases. For example, I know of a family whose child was in day care for 2 days, and the 2nd was to be her last, because the parents were pulling her out. She did not survive, as she died from shaken baby syndrome the 2nd day. No good can come of this-- perhaps good can come despite this, but it was not what "needed" to happen for there to be good, if that makes sense.

Lukk, yes. And beyond "why us," I ask, "why anyone."

I am trying to come up with an approach to this, but it is weak in practice. I have come to the conclusion that these bad things will continue to happen. There is no rhyme or reason. In the meantime, our role is to make the world a beautiful place. We have so little control over what happens, but in our attitudes towards others, the way we treat people, the art in which we bring or enjoy in life, the way we decorate, etc., can all add beauty. Maybe this is the way to deal with it all . . .ask ourselves how we can make the world more beautiful. Much easier said than done.

I have found that some of the biggest tragedies in my life (my father dying when I was 8, losing my only child to adoption when I was young) have brought me the greatest growth, forming the perspective I have about humanity and living on this earth. They have formed the core person I am.

And, as much as those events affected me tragically, I would say I also look around the world and think, "I am so blessed. I do not have to watch my child starve; I do not have to live in a garbage dump and try to survive; I do not have to live somewhere that I cannot get medical attention for a loved one." So, I am able to be thankful that my challenges have been minimal compared to many others.

I think we have to accept and embrace all experiences in our lives as simply a part of living; not good, not bad, just another experience...some more difficult than others. It really helps me to not feel like I'm suffering an injustice. It is part of my journey as a human being.

Well said, Olychick. I love that take on things.

Also Anele, as hard as it is, I don't think you would want to be the sort of person who is unaffected by these tragedies. From your posts, you sound like an empathetic, caring person. I think trying to do what you can to make the world a little more beautiful by your actions is an honourable goal.

Yes, olychick, it's not a matter of avoiding the truths of our lives...it's a matter of accepting them. I was at a session with a naturopathic physician who teaches meditation and he made the point that there are only 2 kinds of suffering:

-the suffering that goes on and on when we try to avoid and bury our pain which then affects our emotions, our thinking and our physical well being

-the suffering that comes to an end when we face the truth of our lives, accept it, deal with it and move on

I have had a number of traumatic losses in my life, and out of each has been some good, various gifts that have been brought to me....some of my own making, but a lot of it not. Sometimes those gifts are a long time in coming or it may take some time to recognize and appreciate them for what they are. But the gifts are there for us, just as the tragedies are.

You're asking the big questions, Anele, & you are getting a lot of wonderful responses that are speaking to Truth, if not providing concrete "answers."

There is something to be said for Surrender...accepting that we don't have all the answers & never will. Life is largely a mystery that can't be contained by our minds- within our concepts & thoughts about it. But while we will never have all the answers tied up with a bow, there are pointers! A common theme you see over & over on this thread is the redemptive nature of adversity.

Repeatedly, we see that without losses, hardships, suffering, the better angels of our human nature would not have been revealed, much less developed. We can't help but conclude that ultimately, Suffering, the situation we would never ask for, serves a purpose in our evolution as humans.
I like this quote from Eckhart Tolle- "Even within the seemingly most unacceptable & painful situation is concealed a deeper good, & within every disaster is contained the seed of grace."

Another pointer I see expressed on this thread is to be careful how we label things! Do we really know (since life is so mysterious) what is "good" or "bad?" Here is one of my favorite stories that illustrates the wisdom of not labeling experience.
"Maybe"- A Chinese story, kind of a Taoistic story about a philosophic farmer:

One day, the farmer's horse ran away, and all the neighbors gathered in the evening and said that's too bad.
He said "Maybe."
Next day, the horse came back and brought with it seven wild horses. "Wow!" they said, "Aren't you lucky!"
He said "Maybe."
The next day, his son grappled with one of these wild horses and tried to break it in, and he got thrown and broke his leg. And all the neighbors said "Oh, that's too bad that your son broke his leg."
He said, "Maybe." The next day, the conscription officers came around, gathering young men for the army, and they rejected his son because he had a broken leg. And the visitors all came around and said "Isn't that great! Your son got out."
He said, "Maybe."

Often we decide what is good or bad too hastily, while Life's wisdom unfolds...

I think many of you would find the writings of Susan Spencer-Wendel very worthwhile. She was a trial/court reporter for our local paper, the mother of three children, who was diagnosed with ALS at the age of 44. Her experience has included the wildest swings of fortune (find out you're going to die a horrible slow death, get offered millions of dollars for your book and the movie rights), and her approach to what's happening to her is truly extraordinary:

"I cannot lift my arms to feed myself or hug my children. My muscles are dying, and they cannot return. I will never again be able to move my tongue enough to clearly say, 'I love you.'

Swiftly, surely, I am dying.

But I am alive today."

Some of the articles she's written about her journey:

making lasting memories (This one is not by her, but about her.)

bucket list trip to see northern lights

twentieth anniversary trip

last bucket list trip

I don't know of anyone who better shows how it's not what happens to you but how you accept it. This is a woman who can talk about dying with joy and humor. A link to her blog;

Here is a link that might be useful: Susan Spencer Wendel

This post was edited by writersblock on Fri, Jan 18, 13 at 13:04

Will respond with more soon. Looks like my friend's infant nephew is about to die.

wb..thank you ...what a wonderful story. I took care of a woman with ALS back in 1991 when I was an RN at our local hospital. The woman's DH had outfitted a van with a bed for her and they spent their lives seeing the US. I remember well how horrified the staff was that she was being dragged from "pillar to post" by her uncaring DH ! Ha...they communicated by her eye blinking and his intuitive understanding of what she wanted . I wish I had had the understanding I now have after reading this post. Thank you.c

This is an easy question. Bad things happen because there is evil in the world. Every time someone chooses to do something mean/sinful/WRONG more evil is released and it bounces around affecting a lot of innocent people. It is simple physics. Every action has an opposite and equal reaction. Why does evil's effects land on "innocent" people? That is the question no one has the answer to, this side of the grave. We were told the ground rules. We are all interconnected. We are all responsible for ourselves and the care and safety of others. No matter what we to it effects others--weather we intend it or not. Those that use their FREE WILL for bad cause more bad to happen. I am dismayed by those who love to blame God for the choice of humanity. "A god would never allow...." Yes He would because He gave us FREE WILL and He respects that gift!! It matters what we teach is right and wrong!! He gave us the formula, the 10 commandments cover it. If you aren't living with in them--ya go nuttin to complain about!!

Arcy, please tell me what commandment this 4 month old child broke....

I find your approach and attitude extremely unforgiving and lacking in compassion. I'm sorry....

Paul said, "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." He also states in Rom. 6:14, " for you are not under law but under grace." Making clear in Galations 5:18, "if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law." For Christians, in other words, the ten commandments don't show the way, the truth & the light. There is a new covenant.

Annie, even from someone who is not at all religious, I feel I understood Arcy's post. Her third sentence explains her theory that whenever people commit acts of evil, bad things happen, and sometimes totally innocent people are the victims. I didn't read any implication that a 4 month old broke any commandment. I believe she is implying that innocent people may be the ones to suffer for the evil acts of OTHER people.

Rather, I think her last sentence says it all. If bad things happen to someone it's their fault and they have no one to blame but themselves....blame the victim thinking. That somehow, the people who suffer, deserve it. Right up there with the reason why Sandy Hook happened was because CT legalized gay marriage, or the reason why Katrina hit was all the "debauchery" in New Orleans.

Mind you, I understand this kind of thinking...if we can blame the victim then we can give ourselves an illusion of control and a belief that it is within our power to avoid that kind of pain and suffering. But it is just an illusion.

The fact remains that bad things happen to people through no fault of their own. Bad things happen to everyone. Everyone suffers, everyone gets sick, everyone dies.

Rather than blaming the victim, we need to recognize that the victim is us and deserves our compassion as we hope others will have compassion for us when it is our turn to suffer.

This post was edited by AnnieDeighnaugh on Mon, Jan 21, 13 at 21:55