It seems like either you have a hard spot either way you go. What makes it worse is that she cries about not being treated or accepted like others when she does as she pleases.

"oh well, they'll just have to accept me"- well they didn't thirty years ago, why now?

It was nice of you to steer her in the direction of proper attire and helping her shop but she refused. Obviously she wants to play a victim- either coddle her and the behavior continues or put out the obvious and go from there.

Sadly, you're both d@mned if you do and d@mned if you don't. If she goes and has a lousy time (and this just does not sound like a setup for a terrific evening in anything but a silly Hollywood movie), she'll be miserable, but she's also somehow convinced herself she'll be miserable if she doesn't go. Which is odd for someone who has so little interest in social norms, usually it's the people who are hung up on following the "life script" who get wound up about doing these sorts of things even if they don't really want to. If you either manage to convince her to skip it or persuade her to go shopping (an activity she finds very unpleasant anyway) so she "fits in" (something she seems not to care for having imposed from outside), and she still doesn't have fun, you may well end up the scapegoat, so you may want to just discreetly back off from this one and offer no further opinions in either direction. Politely change the subject.

Me, I'd rather spend that big chunk of cash on something that I KNEW would be a lot more fun. ;-) Actually, I would rather have a nose job done with a butter knife than go to my HS reunion. #20 is next month and there is NO way I'm coughing up a big wad of cash to go spend any time with people who either picked on me or ignored me for three years - there were two girls I considered my "best friends" but I spent senior year away at an early-entrance college program and by Thanksgiving break both of them had completely "moved on". The high-school bully contritely apologizing to the person s/he picked on is a Hollywood cliche - most of the time the bully barely even remembers that their target even existed, much less the bullying behavior. Personal experience on that one!

Maybe consider approaching the situation with a parable in your pocket? It doesn't have to be true, it just has to apply to the situation. It can be "this woman I worked with years ago" and how she was to attend some special event and found herself very underdressed/unprepared, etc. and how bad she felt afterward. That way you've said your peace, but not directly enough that it would be extremely awkward.

I went to my 10-year reunion and I remember standing with a group of girls that I knew from band/color guard, but they weren't my buddies. Someone was taking a picture and everyone turned to smile. Shortly thereafter, the one who was the most awful back then was walking past me and said "you got in our picture, didn't you?" That was the first and last reunion I attended.

My 30-year reunion will be in four years. I doubt very seriously if I'll go. Your friend might want to join facebook and try to reconnect with some friends from high school. That way she'll maybe have a few friendly faces there if she does go.

I would wait a while before broaching the subject again, she's probably thinking about the clothes situation and might come to her senses in a few days.
I think it's ridiculous to make a hs reunion formal; "business attire" would have ensured no one comes in jeans and tshirts.

jakadeby, what a horrible person to have said that.........yikes.

The outfit is the least of her worries. People are not going to talk to her because they didn't talk to her in HS and are not going to have anything to say to her. And if it is a formal occasion, the room will be filled with couples and cliques.

I would set her down and tell her exactly how you envision the event going. Then I would end with, "do what you want, but don't come whining and complaining back to me if it turns out this way." At least you won't have to listen to it on the other end.

Yeah, what Graywings said. I have a colleague who is exactly like your friend and over the years I've gotten to the point of don't come crying to me if I warned you and you didn't listen to my advice. I guess I'm at that age where I just don't have patience for stubborn people who insist on always playing the victim. There are better things in my life for me to focus my energy on.

What a good friend you are! Based on your description, it's hard to see how your friend's situation can turn out anything but bad. I wonder why she thinks she will regret going? I went to exactly one HS reunion in my life. In my case, all my best friends were in the class ahead of me, and I didn't really have close relationships with anyone in my actual class. It was a slightly painful experience, like any other big party at a catering hall where you barely know anyone and have next to nothing in common with them. Never again though. And the only reason I even went was that we happened to be nearby for another event...if it had cost me a penny above admission? No way would I have gone. And I doubt I'd have gone by myself. I brought my gorgeous boyfriend, dressed like a diva, and happened to have lots of career successes to brag about...wouldn't have gone without that ammo!

Have you asked your friend why she thinks she's going to regret missing the reunion or what she thinks is going to happen there to make it worth all the time and $$$ she is prepared to spend? Her defiant comment about them "having to accept me" and her refusal to wear something appropriate point to something...I just don't know what.

I am reminded of a friend I have who gets really wound up about things. She then chews my ear off about what she's going to do and what she's going to say...basically, intensely venting. I used to get pretty caught up in her emotional firestorm and would leave these conversation feeling upset and worried for her. Here's the thing, AFTER the conversations, she was always FINE (I was a mess, but that's another story!) and this friend didn't do any of the things she said she would. She was just blowing off steam. Could your friend be going through a similar process, working through this by blowing a lot of smoke your way?

"she was not popular in HS, hasn't talked to anyone of her classmates in 30 years, doesn't drink and is socially awkward at times, plus it's going to cost around $500 just to attend and for the hotel, not to mention air fare, lost work time, etc"

I don't understand at all why she would regret it. If she insists on going then I would at least dress the part to avoid even more awkwardness. Wouldn't that just draw more attention and not in a good way? Usually people fret over what to wear to this type of thing. She has to know she's going to walk away from the reunion with not a good feeling probably. I know you know the answers to this stuff but I just can't understand why she's considering.
I still keep in touch with the people I want to see but have no desire to attend my HS reunions.

What Graywings said.

These are my sentiments exactly. This is a weird thing about my friend...she tries so hard to fit in with a crowd that she just doesn't belong to. What I mean is that she's very friendly and nice...no one would have a reason not to like her, but some people do. That is just human nature, right? We don't all get along with everyone.

She lives in a pretty isolated place with just her DH & their 7yo son. So she joins a lot of groups and goes out and does social things to meet other people. And meet them she does, she just doesn't have a tendency to click with them and bond. And this is a big problem for her personally. So I think that she still holds to this fantasy that she'll find someone and spark up a friendship and it'll all be good at this reunion.

She went to her 20 year with her DH, but they sat by themselves for the most part. She said they had an ok time, they danced, but left early. I questioned her about that and we discussed it...yet for some reason, I haven't yet asked her, she's decided to go to this thing.

I think I'll mention shopping, at least she can dress accordingly. She'll be coming to DD's wedding so I can tell her we can find an outfit she can wear to that as well as the reunion...since she's already bought her plane ticket for the d*mn thing.

I started to go to my 20th, made it as far as So Cal, but ended up going out with my Sister & BIL and had a far better time!

Do you think she's looking at going to the reunion as a chance to tell some people exactly what she thought of their behavior 30 years ago? (I would imagine there's at least 1 psychiatrist out there who'd encourage a patient to do this! not that'd i'd agree with him or her.) Or maybe she's hoping to learn that some of the folks she disliked the most are 6 feet under now! (sorry--but some people DO enjoy this!)

Passive-agressive behaviour! Classic and insidious. And you have been caught in the spiral -- and there is NO WAY that this will turn out well. This person is looking for a disaster, creating more drama -- and looking for a "fall guy" to be her own "blame center"

Back out now! And simply start repeating: "Well -- you must do what you think it right for YOU!" Repeat. Smile. Repeat. And if presses you for a decision for HER problems -- repeat the phrase again.

Jan

I think the idea about the dress for attending the wedding also being a potential for the reunion is a good one. If she's not interested in buying something nice because of her weight, do you get the TLC station? t might be worth getting together to watch some of those episodes of What Not to Wear that make recommendations for people with her body type. If that show has taught me anything, it is that anyone can be can look great if they dress right. (I don't always dress so well myself, but it's sort of cheering to see the transformations.)

It might also be worth suggesting that she join Facebook and try adding people she remembers as "friends" before the reunion. I was pushed to join Facebook by one of my brothers and was genuinely surprised to get friend requests from people from high school. I was so on the margins back then, I didn't really think that anyone would remember me at all. Facebook is pretty superficial, but it provides enough of a contact that I'm actually thinking of attending the next reunion.

For your friend, it could give her a chance to see what other people are making public about their lives and also be at least marginally in touch with people ahead of time-- which might make it easier for her to talk to them in person. Or, alternately, she might realize that she doesn't care as much about it as she thought she would and decide not to go.

Jan

I think your advice is perfect. One way or another, if the decision is put back on her, she will bear the responsibility of the consequences. She is old enough to think through the possible consequences by now, too.

Ditto the Facebook idea. Personally, I can't imagine going to my own reunion--those people were the reasons I wanted to get out of town. I'm sure they're all fine and upstanding citizens, etc., but I've got nothing in common with them, and I don't care.

I'd suspect your friend is sort of hoping that they've all been wondering about her and are regretting having been mean to her, which is assuredly not the case. People don't think about us nearly as often as we want them to.

She sounds like she might be on the Asperger's spectrum.

Hmmm-- could be true what Jan says OR what ideefixe says. Which do you think fits?

I have an idea, though. First, "shop at home" and help her look through her closet to see if there is anything she can use. Then, I'd take her MAKEUP shopping. You don't have to worry about what size you are to get your face done up nicely, and this is something she can continue to use long after the reunion. Then, while you are out, start looking for outfits as well. I'd tell her it isn't about them "accepting" her for her clothes, because who WOULD want to buy an outfit just to be accepted? Tell her it's for her DH and mostly for herself . .something to have fun in.

I don't think she's got any Aspergers, she's just stubborn about some things.

She doesn't have anything appropriate in her closet to wear, so taking her shopping at home is not going to work. She's a casual dresser by nature. And she doesn't ever wear make up, so that is out too.

We had a long talk about her attending, and she was pretty firm on not going, but then something changed and she made up her mind. She is on Facebook, and I suspect she looked up something on Classmates dot com and found something there that piqued her interest. Her DH is not attending with her this time.

She's one of those 'trying' friends. But what I like about her is that I CAN say anything to her, she's got an open mind and when we talk about things, she doesn't get bent out of shape if I express a differing opinion. She is quite close to her family, but her late DF was quite domineering and she felt she never got his approval.

Well, I certainly appreciate all your comments. I realize that I am in a no-win with this one. I hope she isn't too crushed...but it seems that the majority of people I talk to had similar HS experiences...and wouldn't go to their reunion if paid to attend!

I'm still going to broach shopping with her, she asks my opinion on a lot of things, so maybe she'll be open to that.

If she doesn't ever wear makeup, then actually, that's where I would start. Both of you could go for one of those mini-makeovers at a makeup counter.

I don't think people were referring to only her stuborness being a sign of Asperger's necessarily-- it was that you said she is socially awkward.

I don't think trying to change her personal style at this point is going to benefit anyone. She is who she is, and she doesn't seem keen on changing that, and ya know what? I think that's fine. My experience has proven to me that people don't necessarily remain as they were in high school. My goodness, 30 years after-the-fact and a lot transpires that changes and mellows people. Often by the time a class matures and its members find themselves approaching the half century mark, they're all just so happy to still be alive (and many are still working diligently to make sure that their own teen and college-age kids survive as they spread their wings) that the way someone chooses to dress or groom themselves is of very little importance anymore.

AJ, I agree with you IF a person is truly content with herself vs. being afraid of change. What Not to Wear sort of bothers me when a person is happy with his/her own style, and they just want that person to "fit in" because family and friends are embarrassed . . .but pesky said this:

So, I'm worried that she'll go ahead with her plans to wear an uber casual get up to this affair, and she'll be devastated, embarrassed and have a very uncomfortable time.

Well, ok - but she must be at least 46 or 47 years old, right? If she's not comfortable in her own skin and with her own fashion choices by now, she's likely never to be.

Just my $.02 ... :-)

I agree with Jen. If she doesn't want to wear make up and doesn't want to get dressed up, that's her choice. It might actually end up being even more uncomfortable for her to wear make up and dress in clothes she doesn't feel good in.

I was going to ask if she regretted not attending previous reunions but you said she went to her 20th. So that makes me think she really DOES know the score. She knows what people wore, how she got along, if she was able to connect with people, etc. The fact that it didn't turn out that great for her is really all the evidence she needs to make an intelligent decision about this event. If she chooses to ignore that experience, I'm not sure what you can do about that.

I went to my five year (too soon!!) and ten year reunions. Five year, we were mostly still in college or just barely out. Not enough time had passed. So I gave it a second chance with the ten year. That told me everything I needed to know about HS reunions. It was a relive-your-glory-days, who's-the-cutest, who's-the-most-popular redux. Ugh.

I am actually still friends with a few of my HS gang, 30+ years later. I care about them, we see each other regularly and I don't need to spend $$$ for a formal event at a hotel to "catch up". The rest of the people, I could pretty much go the rest of my life without giving them another thought.

The point is, I think, that the people who are currently IN our lives are the ones who really make a difference in our lives. All those people I knew 30 years ago have absolutely no bearing on my present reality. Maybe that's something your friend has to realize on her own.