C. Say nothing and stop waiting for him to acknowledge the gift.

Since he's 'kinda new' I think I'd let this one go. It does annoy me though when family members don't acknowledge gifts. That's something I've tried to instill in my own 3 kids- I succeeded with 2 but the third is just awful. Maybe the next time you speak with him on the phone if he doesn't mention the gift himself you could just come right out and ask him if he liked it. That's a fair question.

I had another thought- has he ever picked up the phone and called you? If he hasn't before I doubt he'll start now.

He's never called before and I didn't expect he would now. But while my daughter's on the phone with me and he's in the same room with her, I thought he could just reach for the phone and say, "Thank you".

This isn't a kid and they've been married 2 years now. He's an ex-Army Ranger and a successful business man who knows the politics of manners and the ways of social savvy.

gray, I can say nothing, but deep down I'll still be thinking he should have said something. The gift was a set of personalized cuff links that he's been wanting so it wasn't just a little thing I got off a shelf.

The question is - would you really feel better if he thanks you after you remind your daughter? (Think about that conversation between the 2 of them.)

There are people that simply don't send thank you notes and are uncomfortable saying thank you. Something it took me awhile to accept. But now I do, and I'm ok with it.

ML

But while my daughter's on the phone with me and he's in the same room with her, I thought he could just reach for the phone and say, "Thank you"

You knew at the time that he was in the room?

Why didn't you ask to speak to him?

I'm not shy about these things and treat situations like this with humor. If I had known he was in the room I would have asked my daughter why the heck he isn't begging for the phone so he can thank the MIL he so dearly loves and cherishes ;)

IOW to answer your question, at this point I would opt for option B - let it go.

"He's an ex-Army Ranger and a successful business man who knows the politics of manners and the ways of social savvy."

I'm not sure why you think he knows the ways of social savvy LOL. Let it go this time. If the situation happens again, I would attempt to jump start his social inequities and come right out and ask him if he liked the gift.

Wait, at least until you see them next. Then maybe get it off your chest to clear the air, lightly, if he doesn't say anything then (as Tryin suggests sounds great :)

How long has it been? Will you be seeing them over the holidays?

Suggestions taken. I won't say anything this time. If it happens again, then I'll cone right out and ask if he liked the gift.

mrsmarv, in his line of work he does a lot of shmoozing and knows how to ingratiate himself with the people he deals with. I just think he just "got lazy" on this one.
That's okay; I still love him.

I think you're doing the right thing by not mentioning it. And as difficult as it is when you don't get that acknowledgment, try to keep in mind that a gift given freely doesn't expect anything in return.
:-)

My husband is the nicest man..........but I can totally see this happening with him in the room. The ship has left port but if you had said, "Hey, let me talk to Bob!" while on the phone with your daughter, you would probably have resolution right now. And yeah, you shouldn't have to. A grown man should realize that he needs to actually say thank you to the person who gave him a gift, but sometimes, it just doesn't happen. As Squirrel suggested, if you are going to see them soon, just bring it up lightly after you have been with them long enough for HIM to do it himself... with something like, "So Bob, I've been wondering if I messed up on those cuff-links.....were they too big? (or too square, too flashy, whatever...)" And say it with a smile so he has the opportunity to correct you and NOT feel put on the spot. Don't share your frustration with your DD. She will just nag him and he will feel dumb, or like YOU are being petty.

Red

I've found in family dynamics that this is a male thing. DH's grandmother sends him VERY generous gifts. It's HIS grandmother, I didn't even meet her until 15 or so years ago and for my birthday she sends me funny birthday cards with a "ha ha ha, this is your birthday gift" kind of a punchline when she remembers. Which is fine. But the point is, she sends her grandson a gift. But who gets blamed if he forgets to call her and thank her? Not her grandson, that's for sure.

I am guessing a lot of men are raised in the kind of environment where their moms and eventually their wives take care of such stuff. It took me years of giving "the look" when all of the women were expected to get up and clear the table after a meal while the men sat around and chatted (this was after they had cooked and served the whole thing). That doesn't fly in OUR house but DH used to fall into old habits. I don't need to give "the look" anymore and when DH gets up and starts to help clear it generally embarrasses the other men into bringing an armload of dishes into the kitchen but for a while he got a serious glare if he sat around while either I or his mom cleared his plate.

So as socially savvy as you say your SIL is, perhaps he was raised in a household like this and his wife took care of the thank you so he feels like it is taken care of. My DH is totally NOT a chauvinist but even he falls into familiar habits when he is not thinking about it.

If it bugs you and you want a different outcome next time, I'd say something. Otherwise how is he going to know that having his wife thank you wasn't ok with you? To me the two choices are to accept that this is the way things happen and not be upset over it or say something and get it cleared up. JMHO.

I'm not saying it's right BUT if he was in the room when you spoke with your daughter AND he heard her mention that he likes them - he might consider that enough of an acknowledgment. The present was discussed and to add any more comment might seem like he's overselling it because he didn't like them.

He may be skilled in schmoozing for work BUT he might consider you family (as he should) and feels that you don't need to schmooze family.

Sure he shudda thanked you but he didn't and it needs to be water on the bridge now. Lots of other great advice above about how to handle future gifts & thanks.

I think you received a thank you, it just isn't the one you wanted. I don't know how many times my husband actually thanked my mom for a gift. If he was talking to her on the phone shortly after I'd whisper a reminder, but for the most part I was usually the one who vocalized or wrote the thank you letter. Mom was grateful to have him for a SIL. She didn't hold it against him if a thank you didn't come from his lips. Don't let the little things get to you.

All I would ever need from a SIL or a DIL is that they make my children happy.

Anything else is just frosting on the cake.

All I would ever need from a SIL or a DIL is that they make my children happy.
Anything else is just frosting on the cake.

I like your attitude!
If any of my kids ever gets married, that's the attitude that I'll take.

It's possible that if he's a big schmoozer for work, that he thinks he doesn't have to do that in his personal life. I'm not defending him, but I think it's not worth hand-wringing. And if you prod your daughter to remind her husband to thank her mother, you're sort of setting yourself up as She Who Must Be Obeyed.

Yes, manners have slipped. Yes, he should freely acknowledge your thoughtfulness. So, email him and ask him if the gift was okay.

My DH drives me crazy with this. My parents always buy him nice gifts, and they might get a "Thanks" from him.
In my family, we rarely wrote thank you notes for gifts, but we were expected to call or be very appreciative in person.
I think there are several factors: upbringing, generational differences, personality, and I do think men tend to be more low-key about gifts. Probably because the women do most of the "work" of picking out gifts.
I wouldn't say anything either-- unless it bothers you enough that you won't be able to let it go. Then you need to deal with it directly.

My DH must be from another world because he always says "thank you" when someone gives him a gift or does something for him. We raised our DS the same way and he always acknowledges the giver, too. My mom used to say, "I didn't raise you in a barn". Like kgwlisa's husband, my DH always helps set and unset the table and attends to our guests. After all, everyone likes to enjoy themselves at a get-together, not just the guests.

I think this is a cultural thing. Traditionally women have been expected to to all the social niceties - sending out invitations, sending out 'thank you' notes, remembering holidays, ect. When was the last time a husband contacted you saying they were planning a birthday party for their kid? Or the man was planning a big anniversary bash. Have you ever gotten a 'thank you' note written by the husband when you gave a wedding gift or a baby gift????? No, it's always been the women who take care of things like that and that has included 'thank you' notes and milestone acknowledgments. I'm not saying it's right, but it probably never occurred to your SIL to call you, as he just assumed it was his wife's "job" to do so and he feels she did accomplish this in the phone call.

When I got married I expected my DH to help write the 'thank you' notes. He did not lift a finger to do so. I thought it would be nicer to have him write to the people that he knew (Whom I had never met.) sending the cards "from the both of us". It never got done of course.

As some others have said, my DH is a super nice guy, really he is. But my family has sent him a birthday check every year for 19 years, and he has never written a thank-you note. I was raised to write them; he was not. What he usually does is say thank you the next time he sees them. Might not be until 3 months after receiving the gift, but he does remember to mention it.

As hard as it is, I wouldn't say anything. When it comes to giving gifts I kind of lean towards the side of not expecting anything (including a thank you) and then being pleasantly surprised if one comes along. Of course you could always change your stradegy as well and next year just send him a card that acknowledges his day.

I was not raised to write thank you's. When I had my 1st child, I learned a huge lesson, that this needed to be done. I was raised to thank the person in person or on the phone; in my new family, they expected the written as well.

Both of my kids have been brought up that they write thank you's. If the giver is there and my kids say thank you right there, I'm fine with no card unless it's one of the older relatives. My son would rather write the card then call while my girl would rather call. lol If it's a large or very personal gift, yes, they need to write a card.

My husband has no problems writing thank you cards. A few of his mom's friends just sent get well cards, he mentioned writing cards to them.

As for this situation; I would speak to my daughter and tell her that you'd appreciate if he did something to acknowledge the gift; even if it's an email; or if while I was on the phone with my daughter, he at least said, hey hun, tell your mom I said thank you for the cuff links; then she would have heard him actually speak the words.

I also might be upset by the lack of interest in thanking.. How does she know he really liked the gift?
The fact that he's a guy means nothing to me; her daughter can tell her hubby that, hey, do you mind if you do this for my mom since it would mean a lot to her? My mom grew up with written thank you notes but I don't expect you to do that, do you think you can humor me and make sure she at least hears the words thank you from you? I don't think it's a lot to ask.

I'm noticing more kids in the 20's that do not think twice about someone giving them something; because they expect it. Maybe it's me, I'm still pretty ticked about my niece coming last year; I do not feel we were thanked properly.

What I do with my hubby's grandma as a gift every few years - I send her assortments of cards. One year I sent her a nice box with different greeting cards; another year blank cards with a nice picture on the front. She ended up sending me a hand written note for that bouquet I sent her when she fell, I noticed she was out of cards so I went shopping. I also bought her nice stationary & pretty stamps.

The OP could always send her daughter an assortment of blank cards along with nice stamps that they can use. Another nice gift would be pre-printed address labels lol

I think a thank you is nice and do encourage my kids to write thank you's, but if it were my SIL, I would probably not make a big deal about it.

Family in law karma is a tricky thing and unless you do it in a tactful way, you also risk making him feel uncomfortable saying thank you after you've asked.

I would ask him if he liked them the next time you see or talk to him and he'll probably say thanks then. I think gifts should be given freely and you should only give a gift if you can do so without any strings attached. I get pleasure out of giving a gift, and a formal thank you isn't necessary in my mind for birthday, christmas type gifts.

If it is a formal event like a graduation, or wedding or shower, then I do think a thank you is appropriate.

I don't have any children with spouses yet, but in my own in law experiences, I can see how some hurt feelings on either side can cloud otherwise family harmony. I plan on giving my future DIL's a wide berth on things and will pick my "battle" or reasons to put my two cents in on things that are really important, thank you's just don't feel that important to me to say something and risk alienating your SIL.

One should always send a handwritten note of thanks for a gift received by mail. I'm not as picky with family, but I'd have hoped to get at least a call or an e-mail.

Biting your tongue is the most polite option. The old did-you-receive-my-gift route doesn't work, because you know that he did.

I'd be itching to send him an etiquette book next time. In reality, I'd just send birthday cards until he learns some manners.

I am with parma on this one.

I wrote thank you notes for DD's gifts from birth until she was able to pen a proper note. First few years they came soley from me, next with her initial or something she drew at the end of the note. As she learned to print, she would sign her name. When she learned to write words, she wrote short thank you notes with my help, and they got better as she got older. I was a complete nag about it. Had DD been a boy, I would have taught the same lessons.

Well, the years of nagging have paid off. This past summer, DD traveled with her best friend's family to visit family in Austin. Without a word from me, I saw two notes go out of the house within a week of her return from the visit. One to her girlfriend's parents, and one to the family in Texas. Made me grin from ear to ear. No reminders, nada. Funny, the things that make us proud of our kids!

Doesn't matter if he's the king of all of the social graces in the world in his business life, if you mention not getting a thank you, it may be uncomfortable for both of you. I don't know what type of relationship you have with him. He should know better, and a thank you from your DD is not a proper thank you. He's family, you don't need a formal note, but some kind of acknowledgment is in order.

I send a gift one time and if there is no thank you I "make a suggestion" to the parent/S.O. /friend...someone of import to this person. If there is still no "Thank you " they never.... ever;;;; get another gift from me. No 2nd chance. I taught my kids to say a huge long handwritten note for every single check, present etc. If others didn't learn this then my first and only reminder will have to do. When they never get another present of check from me they have 2 choices...1) she forgot 2) she is a b^&*(). No matter to me what they think . We can compare notes when or if we see each other again . I would rather donate to my local Food Bank, thank you very much. c

Mona:
I ditto Parma's comments. A few years ago, my husband had made a slatted wood and metal coffee table for our basement, which my son and his wife ended up with and used as a bench on their porch. Before Christmas, either DS or DIL told my husband that DIL's sister had asked DIL for one just like it and that's all she wanted for Christams. My husband purchased the supplies, cut the wood, made the table, welded the base, and coated it with 3 coats of polyurethane. A few weeks after Christmas, it bothered me that DIL's sister had never thanked DH for all his work. I'm not good at keeping quiet so I told my son. He was surprised and said he would ask his wife. Later, he told me that his DW said that the gift to her sister was from HER (though no money exchanged hands), so naturally she would not thank my DH. That, in fact, they had bought a handmade chair as a gift to another person, and wouldn't have expected them to thank the person who made the chair. My DS and his DW are very happy together, and she loves him very much, but I have always regretted bringing the bench up, because her comments made me feel like we were the "help." But, she treats us like parents in many ways, and is a wonderful mother to my beloved grandchildren. And, in-law dynamics are very tricky and fragile.
Dee

That's a good point, Dee. Sometimes ya just don't wanta know (: o

I love Parma's thoughts on it. That could work real well in a lot of situations. But I also agree with Trailrunner, that thank you's are just kind of expected and do not go un-noticed or un-missed. It can be very hurtful when something has been given from the heart. It's like a slap in the face, and one of unappreciation. There are some people, though, that have personalities that just kind of go that way for one reason or another. I can think of a couple people I know. One bothers me, the other not, as their behavior comes from different places, imo, iykwim.

I understand your disappointment, and I agree that he should have thanked you at least by calling. However, I am not sure this is worth making an issue of, in the grand scheme of things.

However, I am surprised at your daughter. In our house, I would have told my DH I was calling my mom (or that she was calling) and handed him the phone to say thanks. Which DH would do graciously. Would he ever write a note? Hmm, probably not. Your DD should know that this would be important to you, and led your SIL to make sure that effort was made. Yes, he is an adult, but you don't know how HE was raised to handle these things.

I also have to say that my mom expects written notes even if she has presented the gift in person and been thanked. Not sure I see that as necessary, but certainly a nice extra. But my boys know that they must write a note, and now do so on their own (at 18 and 22, I figure some of that nagging in their younger years must have stuck! LOL)

Cute story about men and "thank you's". I work for our local school district, which is one of the largest in our state. Our Superintendent recently retired and I had given $$ towards a gift and shared in his parting get-together. This past weekend I picked up our mail and there was an envelope addressed to me. What a pleasant surprise it was to open it up and find a hand-written thank-you card from our retired Superintendent (I know he wrote it because I know his handwriting), thanking me for being part of his retirement "celebration" and also some sweet words of remembrance. I was truly touched.

les, that is exactly what I would have done, and have done, handed the phone to DH to say Thank You, which he does so graciously. He is so lucky to have me-LOL!!!

Honestly, I don't care for a thank you (or whatever) that's been prodded by someone else. Don't like wondering if it was, either, as those things can be kind of obvious if the people are close or you know who tends to do that sort of thing.

I wouldn't make a big deal with your SIL at this point though. But it's bad to let things like that bother you. You're entitled to your feelings too -- and they won't just go away. You've had some great suggestions on how to keep things clear and happy between you. You could try with this occurrence, if he doesn't thank you when he sees you (and it continues to bother you), or maybe if things like that continue to happen in the future.

It can be kind of a Catch-22. Maybe he'll thank you in other ways, so it won't bother you anymore : )

Sometimes when I feel slighted for a deed, gift, whatever I think, What was my intention? Did I do it because I wanted to? Did I do it to be gushed over or praised?

I know, thank you is not much to expect now you know not to expect anything. DD said he liked it, yeah.

Heavens, I won't hold hard feelings if I don't get a Thank You. And I certainly don't want one if it comes after prodding from my daughter.

Originally, I thought I'd kiddingly mention something about his maybe not liking them but I've decided not to say anything at all.

Life is good; my daughter is happy; my SIL is a wonderful husband and a great guy.

Life is good; my daughter is happy; my SIL is a wonderful husband and a great guy.

Can't ask for more!

Here's the problem. This is a grown man. You didn't raise him so his manners or lack thereof is not your fault nor is it your place to change him now. He's married to your daughter. If they were casual acquaintances it might be different but my advise now is "pick your battles." Is this really important enough to alienate your SIL and quite probably your daughter? I think not.

On the one hand, I remind my mom (an inveterate note writer) that gifts are given for the joy of giving them, not for the thanks they receive...so if she always expects one she will sometimes be disappointed.

On the other hand, last Thanksgiving, my sister told me her children were very surprised to find that I still gave my other sister's kids Christmas presents every year.(I generally don't see them often...while I regularly see the others)
I told her that since she reminds us occasionally that they don't celebrate Christmas, and her kids never acknowleged a gift, and sometimes neglected to deposit checks, I stopped giving because they obviously didn't care.

It sounds B1t(hy, but thats how I felt about it...they didnt care so why should I? Obviously I am conflicted about it.

"It sounds B1t(hy, but thats how I felt about it...they didnt care so why should I?"

I'm in agreement with you on this one. My friend's daughter is my god-daughter so I know she was raised to have manners. Whether or not she chooses to display them is up to her. She's an adult now (28), but up until she was 23/24 my DH and I gave her a birthday gift. It was at that age that she stopped acknowledging our gifts, not even a verbal "thank you", and she had many opportunities to do so. We figured that if she didn't care enough to say thank you, obviously it didn't mean that much to her. Nor should it to us. I even queried whether or not she had liked the (last) gift and she said "yes", not "yes, thank you". We stopped giving her gifts and the following year during a conversation with her she jokingly asked if I had somehow "forgotten" to send her gift. I said that no I didn't. When she said , "I guess I'm too old to expect gifts any more". My response was, "Actually, no one is too old for gifts, but some people, like me, are too old to deal with those who lack manners." She just got engaged so this should be interesting. I certainly hope she's planning on writing thank-you notes for engagement, shower and wedding gifts she receives.

Hmmmmm......I have an opinion, but I don't dare give it.

While I agree it is best in this situation to just drop it, I wish people would work on communicating about gifts better in the future. We have limited funds but I have often around Christmas time tried to make baked goods and send them to people. There are members of our family who seem to truly enjoy them and it lights up their day to get that package. Other family members say absolutely nothing about it or send it to work with their husbands.

While gifts are from the heart they are also from whatever resources that were used to acquire them (time, money or both) and they are intended to be a blessing to the receiver. If they are not a blessing and more of a nuisance, I would like to know so that I don't waste those limited resources on someone who does not want it.

The mantra in our family is:

"Thank-you notes spread the love."

I find that regularly intoning the mantra every time we receive a gift or thank-you notes are mentioned has a positive effect on thank-you note writing.

Since SO and I got together, she has written thank-you notes too. Her family LOVES it. I don't get offended if other people don't write thank-you notes, but that is no excuse for us not to send one.