"Say that on second thought, this isn't the best place? "

I would call him and express the above; the proposal is going to change the dynamics of your holiday dinner and make it all about the proposal, so already for me that's a no no, an imposition on you and the other guests, not cool in my book.

You don't have to give him multiple reasons, just tell him to forget that idea.
You've met him once so basically he's still a stranger to you, just make a sweet and short call to halt his plan. You're obviously uncomfortable with this so give yourself priority and follow your gut.

Yep, give him a call and tell him that your dinner isn't the best time and place. If she said a joyful Yes! to his proposal, it would be one thing, but any other answer is going to ruin your dinner and day and leave everyone there feeling embarrassed and uneasy. And yes, To propose to a woman while still married to another woman shows a great lack of judgment and it shows great disrespect to both of the women, too. You need to distance yourself and your family celebration from this possible train wreck.

You could easily add that since a marriage proposal is so special it would be better to make it a special occasion of it's own and not combined with a family holiday event. I agree that your girlfriend needs to have a frank conversation with him soon. Is there a chance that your girlfriend will be annoyed that you didn't clue her in to this?

To be fair to him, I want to add that he knew this would change the dynamics of the gathering and that's why he called to ask. He plans to ask on her birthday which is the day after Thanksgiving. I'm feeling there's enough uncertainty in this situation that I would prefer it not happen on our turf. If it were just a joyful formality I would be okay with it, but I am not sure how she's going to react. And as maire pointed out, she just might get mad at me, but she likes surprises, and I hate to steal his thunder/spoil the surprise. Don't know why he can't wait, blast it!

So he won't actually do the proposal until the day after Thanksgiving on her birthday? If that's the case, I say let it happen. You have no responsibility for the proposal and it just so happens that your friend will be at your house on her birthday.

Saying something to him at this point could possibly spell disaster for a relationship with your dear friend's future husband. This guy's judgement or lack there of isn't your problem, but your friends.

I agree with Marie_Cate. Just tell him that you've had time to think about it and that a marriage proposal is too special to include with a family holiday event.

Public proposals are usually a bad idea.

- It's hard to make a public proposal "romantic". Theatrical, yes.
- If the bride-to-be is an introvert, she's going not going to like being "on stage" during a proposal, no matter how much she loves the guy.
- You paint the recipient of the the proposal into a very tight corner. It's hard enough in private to say, "Oh, my, this is so sudden! I need some time to think about it." Who's going to want to say that in front of an audience? She pretty much has to accept and act delighted if she's doesn't want the rest of the family event to be uncomfortable. Then she may have to change directions later. There's nothing good about that scenario.
- You can't control the audience. For example, I think it's a really bad idea to date someone who isn't actually divorced yet, but it's none of my business and I'd keep my mouth shut. On the other hand, my sister-in-law believes that she has a direct pipeline to God on darned near everything, but most especially on ethics. If she were at the dinner, it would be an understatement to say that she'd voice her opinion. Everybody would remember the proposal, but they wouldn't want to!

Unless you are absolutely that everyone - including all of the guests - has been waiting and hoping for ages that the proposal would occur, don't go there!

This is where the old K.I.S.S. saying comes in. You call him and keep it REALLY simple - "I reconsidered and would rather you find a different time and place to propose." The key is not doing any justifying, or explaining - you make your statement and then stop. The second you go to fill the silence that is likely to follow, you've handed him the power to try and change your mind, and to make you justify your stance which you absolutely should not do. Let him fill the silence - he'll probably ask why and you simply repeat, repeat, repeat, I've reconsidered.... If he hammers you about it, you speak more sharply - John - stop - I've reconsidered and that's the end of it.

I'm in no position to judge this man but it seems to me there's an integrity issue if he's not even divorced yet. Your friend has every reason to have her guard up.

I might be a tad dense because I don't understand how on earth a married person proposes to someone...unless they're proposing to their spouse and are planning on reaffirming their vows. They're still legally bound to their lawful partner and it's not only disrespectful to the legal partner (remember, they once loved and honored that person) but it's disrespectful towards their "soon-to-be-betrothed". I agree that you should (respectfully) decline and say you've thought about it and are not comfortable with it being in such a "public" forum. Maybe by saying that he'll get the drift?

What I like about Marie_Cate's language is that it gives everyone the opportunity to exit this mess gracefully. If the guy has reasonably good manners, he'll quietly go along with it. Since he's probably all excited about the whole thing, there is a good chance that he may be foolish enough to ask why the OP changed her mind. As dlm2000 said, absolutely do not go down the path of answering questions. At that point a firmer statement, as she suggested, should suffice to end the discussion.

Depending on how quickly OP talks to the guy about the progress of the relationship, OP may even be saving the guy the embarrassment of having to call and cancel the proposal segment.

Thank you all for helping me figure out how to handle this. To my profound relief, my friend talked this out with her SO and the cat is out of the bag. I also gave her my opinion that an engagement should wait until his divorce is finalized (expected sometime this fall, I gather). Whatever they want to do at this point is up to them. I won't be in the position of facilitating a situation that may not be what she wants. I was relieved that they were able to talk about it in affectionate way which is a good sign. Fingers crossed for her. Thank you all!

I would call him and say that something that personal should be just between the two of you, DONE.

Mrs.Marv makes a good point!

I might be a tad dense because I don't understand how on earth a married person proposes to someone.

It's more common than you might think - especially when there's been a long legal separation and equally long legal wrangling. It's nothing new either. My mother's first marriage lasted a matter of days, but in the 1940's even an uncontested divorce was a slow and difficult process. It required a legal separation of more than a year in her state. She met my father about two weeks before her divorce was final. They married a few days after the final decree. (Totally loony-tunes in my opinion, but it lasted until death, so what do I know!)

I've known other people for whom it has worked out, but a positive outcome always surprises me. Alas, I've known far more people who were devastated because the separated-but-not-divorced person was really just taking a little vacation from marriage or moved on to someone else after the divorce was final.

Lord don't follow through with this! It will depending on your state, cause legal reprecussions for both your friend and her husband-to-be. It is grounds for infidelity in some states, which will tip some statutes in her stbx's favor. Terrible idea on every level. Note the minimum separation clause in your state for no-grounds filing; Get legally divorced first, take some time on your own rather than bringing Rebound Guy in away, don't rush things, don't force things, don't make all the mistakes that led to ex#1. A good new relationship should hold together on its own. If things look up after a year, then they can think about marriage.

I know some here disagree, but I don't think a hard and fast, specific parameter can be placed on the timing within which a couple can seriously think about marriage. I understand that there may be legal repercussions for entering into an engagement prior to a divorce being final, but as far as saying that a certain amount of time must lapse before it's ok - I just don't think anyone on the outside can really make that call. My husband proposed to me the week that my divorce from my ex was final, and we were married six months after that. To say that my previous marriage was over long before is an understatement. No, it wasn't over in the eyes of the state - but that doesn't mean that my ex and I were bound together in any meaningful way for a very long time. My husband and I now have been married for 7 years, and I cannot imagine life without him. I would hate to think that some arbitrary time period should have elapsed before we were able to fulfill our desire to live together as a married couple.

That's just my take on it, and like I said, I don't expect everyone to agree. It's ok to hold differing views on state-sanctioned marriage. Demeron, I wish your friend all the happiness in the world, whatever her decision may be in response to the proposal.

I am always suspicious of men who move fast in a relationship. There are many guys out there with commitment issues, so often women are thrilled when guys are "in love" within a few weeks and want to marry within a few months, but this raises red flags to me. Usually it's abusive, controlling men that want to cement the relationship and get the woman trapped before his true colors come out. I'm glad to hear that your friend was able to talk to him and get him to slow down.

FWIW, my older sister bought a house with her boyfriend that was not divorced from his first wife. I had many a conversation with her before she entered into this lunacy, to no avail. Two years later, he's still married; he claims that his soon-to-be-ex refuses to sign any agreements. I just shake my head...

My DH proposed to me before his divorce was final. It was a long, drawn out divorce with the hold up being a complicated property settlement. I wouldn't consider our 27 year marriage a rebound relationship.

I'm with Auntjen. My first marriage was over LONG before the petition for divorce was filed. We had been apart for a few years and my ex wanted to remarry. That is what finally caused us to follow up with the legal part of our separation.

I'm sure we could all come up with anecdotes about relationships that deepened before a legal divorce was final that worked beautifully and those that failed disastrously. I completely agree that not every relationship that flourishes shortly after the demise of another is a rebound. Each situation and story is unique, and I guess my whole point in posting as I did is to convey just that.

27 years, Golddust ... congratulations! That's fantastic. I've only got 20 more to catch up to you. ;-)

My ex and I were separated for four years before we divorced. He wanted it so he could re-marry and he was living with the person for two years prior. There could be any number of reasons why people are in relationships before they divorce. A legal commitment is one thing, an emotional one is something totally different.

Has anyone read "Committed" by Elizabeth Gilbert? I found it fascinating. I don't claim to know if all of her research/reporting on the history of marriage was entirely accurate, but nevertheless she still provided much food for thought. (And her personal story interwoven throughout was interesting and touching too.)

Here is a link that might be useful: Committed