This is our first house. Hubby and I have been married for 3 1/2 years, but we've been together for 10.

We don't have a lot of money, so we are DIYing a lot of things. I'm the handy one, and he's the natural planner. You'd think that would mean everything would go smoothly... but it does not. In the past 6 months, our relationship has changed. And I don't like it. I love owning a home, and I love working on projects... but we were both so stressed and tired that last week I sat him down and told him that something needed to change, even if it meant letting the house just sit "as-is" for a while, while we get back on track. I think we're just learning how to balance home ownership (since we are new at it), but as much as I love working on projects and ripping things apart... the last thing I want is to rip us apart. I'd rather be homeless and with my hubby than without him in a beautiful house.

It's been an interesting learning experience, to say the least.

Thanks for sharing and allowing others to share. I will be curious to see how this thread evolves.

I think it can be a huge stressor, especially when one wants the reno and the other is conceding to it. Clearly I was the one who wanted it most, and initiated looking into it, and that meant that there were times that I was so frustrated with him I wanted to scream (sometimes it went a little further than just wanting to...). When I look back my frustration was usually brought on by my bringing to him some form of this: "if we spend just a little more on x, we can do y" -- which is understandably frustrating to someone who didn't really care if we continued on with a 40-year old, 8x8 kitchen.

Marriage is about compromise, and a kitchen reno affords the opportunity to practice that skill unlike any other process, IMO. and I feel lucky to have someone who will, at times, set aside his own priorities and adopt mine -- yet with the honesty to tell me how he feels about it, and let me know when I'm going too far, or maybe running roughshod over others/him (which I can do if left unchecked). Is that process fun? No. But "the process" is what helps strengthen a relationship. By his willingness to re-do the kitchen despite it not being his own priorities, I felt cared for. By my willingness to respect and incorporate his input and choices in the process, he felt respected. In the end we ended up with something we love and enjoy together, and from time to time we even laugh about the tense moments -- such as when I suggested we do a microwave drawer instead of a standard microwave and my mild-mannered husband responded, "Why don't we just get a **&$ Wolf range too?" (which he did do the MWD but it did not come with a Wolf -- leading me to occasionally ask when my Wolf is coming, and we both laugh. Maybe not everybody would, but that's us. We look back on the reno process with appreciation for one another, and I think it makes us love the kitchen even more because it's now a milestone in our relationship --- kinda like, "see what we did together???" It's painful to go through but great to come out the other side of.

A while ago someone here posted about having lots of sex during stressful remodeling times. I think the idea is to remain close to your SO. Put the relationship first. After 7 years of constant and still ongoing remodeling (DIY) I can say you need to get away from the house for awhile. And yea...the sex works too.

In a word, stressed.
Dh likes to say he is doing it all for me, that he did not want it and when things go wrong, as they have, it is my fault. Of course, he has been in on it since demo minus 4+ years. I hear him brag about the good stuff and show it off to family/friends. He has chosen some elements (while saying he does not care most of the time). He wants the reno results without having to lift a finger. He asks for every detail about what is coming next and if I don't know who will be here the next day or don't have answers, he seems annoyed at me. I am between the gc and him, acting as the gc's spokesperson and dh's spokesperson. He won't speak up himself, yet has lots of opinions of how things are getting done or not done fast enough. Since running low on funds, I have been literally working day and night on painting and keeping things moving along.

That all drives me crazy but I also see small things that he does to help (maybe 10% of the DIY parts) and I try to keep in mind that this chaos will be over soon. We have been together 11 years, so I know him and should not be surprised by some of his antics. OTOH, there are many times I want to throttle him. I wish I could feel he were firmly on my side and not looking for a scapegoat when things don't go smoothly. I know I wanted this reno more than he did and this is what comes of taking on something so big. We'll get through it and life will be more normal by Summer. When the house looks and functions better, it will be worth it. I just wish I knew at the beginning all the things I have learned along the way, because all the planning in the world can't keep one from rookie mistakes. Those added to the stress of things.

I remember posting about halfway into our DIY, in the late winter I suspect, when I was ready to kill. I was upset about being left out of the loop, of being told about decisions after they were impossible to undo, etc. etc. etc. I just swallowed my anger and mustered on--not worth the arguments and what would winning look like at that point? I withdrew to my own world....took to hanging out in paint stores, hardware outlets, GW on the computer, etc.

One aspect of DIY is that if one spouse is the worker and one spouse is the coffee fetcher, there is a dominance aspect that might not be in play if both are supposedly co-equal deciders and inspectors or co-equal hammer toters. Ironically, when we receive compliments on the kitchen, DH takes credit for the work but says I did the planning. Oh? Give me a break. Did I not just plan around each curve ball I was thrown, starting with demands about what the cabs and floor would be and how the ceiling could not be raised and the range had to move because that was suggested by a third party who does not live here at all?

Something that became very clear is that DH cannot envision things. He's more tactile and evolutionary than I even knew. If I spun out a story too far in advance of the actual advance of the new space, he was lost. I had to find ways to postpone my impatience, set aside my drawings and sale prices, and wait for him to catch up even if that was months later. I know it's not fair, but sometimes I have to blow and say, "If you remember, I brought that up and you didn't want to discuss it back then so now we're stuck with X." He is very good about not throwing my anger back at me; he just goes outside or something. DH is a good man.

Yes, we're in this together and we have a great new kitchen, now on the home stretch. I'm glad we did this. But I haven't had a vacation in two years, and he has--R&
R weeks with his hunting and camping buddies. You are my R&R I guess.

Relationships are all unique. As Will Rogers says, we're about as happy as we choose to be.

oh that's such a toughie!!!
we just got done putting in a pool and that was pretty stressful. The Kitchen Reno was forced on us by a slab leak. And of course I am a kitchen-designer-ZILLA all of the sudden! And Im terrible.. I will ask DH.. " what do you think of this color, style, etc..?" and when he responds, i'll say oh No! that's not right! ugh, he must hate me! I'm VERY visual in my thinking and have a pic in my head. And he can never really see it.
Normally we would be at terrible odds by now but we've just had a year of therapy and he's taking this all so WELL!!!
He is being great about just saying yes to me about most things.. poor guy.
I even made him a mock up of what Im thinking - it looks a bit like a ransom note though..lol.. check it out!
and thank you if you see a piece of your kitchen! :o)

Since this query got posted twice, I vote to have no more posts on this thread and I'll post a link to this one on the other one so that these comments are not lost.

Please post further on the OTHER same-named thread folks.