So sorry you have had these difficulties this past year. It sounds like the changes you are suggesting will give you greater financial security.

Since you will have a time line of a few years, perhaps you can make some simple changes tonyour mother's home to make things more comfortable for you and your husband. Will she allow you to redo your bedroom and perhaps one other space that you could use like a living room? This will allow you to escape from the dark and clutter in the rest of the house.

Older people do get set in their ways. But, maybe she wouldn't mind sprucing up her house. Maybe just painting the walls will help.

While you are living with your mom, you will be occupied with your job, and planning your new home. I think two years will go by quickly.

Good luck.

I've got some questions:
1) How big is your mother's house?
2) Will you have a separate space to work?

I would find a way to finance a small home as soon as possible. You don't want her to feel bad by coming in and immediately changing things.

Since she is on acreage, how about a small used mobile home until you build your home? If your circumstances change for the better, you can simply sell the mobile after you have completed your build.

Of course, mom might be the type to say "come on in and change anything you want." But since it seems you are very different, I would want my own space.

Yes you do have a big decision to make.

I wonder if you could say to Mom. "Since you are allowing us to live with you can we help you out by painting the house inside since it has been ,or is,hard for you to do. It is the least we can do for you."

Then in the process you need to move everything out of the way. Maybe need new carpet too. Make the painting last just a little longer than needed and the clean de-cluttered space might appeal to her. I know when I cleared out our living room just to paint I put less than half back. It was OH I like this new fresh look. And if Mom thinks you are only packing it up to paint it should not bother her.

Then when the time to put it back does come maybe suggest purchasing a large china cabinet for display space. One with lights so she can SEE her lovely things better and make it easier to keep them clean. Honestly this is what I did with a lot of my crap. AND I have purged and purged for years. Seems once you start it becomes an obsession to clear out so it might happen with mom. If you can just make her think it is her idea. And I remember so many times My Mother saying how she wished she did not have so much crap but did not know where to start to clear it up there was so much and she was so overwhelmed. You might be doing her a huge favor.

Good luck with all of this.

I wouldn't try to beat around the bush. I'd just flat-out say, "Mom, we'd love to come and live with you, but we need our own space. We need a bedroom, a living space and a home office for me. These are the three rooms that I think would work [list them]. But we'd need to completely remove everything in those rooms, clean and paint them in colors DH and I like, and move in our own furniture. That will help us feel like this is our home, too. Can you deal with that?"

I think you would be unhappy for years if you do anything less than this.

You might also consider renting for a few years, until you can build.

As for the clutter in the rest of the house, some of it needs to stay for your mother's comfort. But anything that could be a tripping hazard should be removed. And lighting should be improved to help prevent falls and tripping.

I'm remembering the Anne of Green Gables book where Rachel Lynde moves in with Marilla. Rachel insisted on having her own kitchen, because she'd noted over the years that when two women were sharing a house, the real problems came in sharing the kitchen. You need your own space in your mother's house.

How about a manufactured home? I'm not talking about they typical "mobile home", but homes that are the real thing. Those are not too expensive. The way they are made today, you cannot tell the difference between on-site built or the mfg ones. If your mom has 3 acres, maybe you can check with the town if it can be subdivided before or after you place another home on the premises.

If you can carve out a section and place a mfg home, you can live next door and when your mom is gone, you can clean her house up and sell it with 2 1/2 acres, instead of 3. If you were to take 1/3- 1/2 acre it wouldn't make any difference on the price of her property, but you'd get a lot for free, and a home with a fraction of the cost. I would check with the town, IF they allow acreage subdivision. My town allows ONE time subdivision providing that lots/land conform with the zoning in the area.

Example: If an existing house is zoned R20 (1/4 of an acre), but the house sits on 3 acres, the town will allow to split the land into smaller lots leaving the existing house with a minimum of 1/4 around it.....but only once.

She doesn't need 3 acres unless she has horses.

How about renting a small house near your mom? You could then take the time to either help her with her home...making it something you might all like...or building a smaller home for you and your husband.

My mom is going to be moving in with us and my husband is just getting over a major illness and now is on disability...so I do understand some of what you're going through.

The three of us are trying to approach this as a 'big adventure' and making the most of it! We'll see if it works out, but I hope you find your happy ending by the horse farm...we're taking our horses with us :)

Thanks for all the encouragement and the good ideas. It is a fairly large house and has an addition with a 14 x 14 guest room that opens to a screened in porch. That will be our bedroom. It needs new windows,so that would be an ideal excuse to also eliminate following: the fake stone wall, fake brick on a funky angled wall, dark paneling that serves as wainscoting topped with patterned wallpaper, the dropped acoustical ceiling and the original house window that she added a window box to. Are you getting a visual on her style? There are 2 nice sized attic rooms that could serve as an office and tv/hang out spot for us....unless we bump our heads on the sloped ceilings! We have thought of a modular home, but want to clean up all our debt with the equity from our current home, so want to wait until we can build or buy a modular with no mortgage ( I am 59, husband is 63). Also....my brother has a vacation home close to hers, so we could escape there frequently. As it is a rural setting, there are no zoning laws. And,if we could remodel her home, there would be no mortgage. Her lot is lovely. Lots to think about!

I love new opportunities in life. This could be fun. Keep us up-to-date.

I hope you don't say this to your mom...I understand wanting to have your own space and even wanting to get away, but your mom seems like a wonderful person to make this offer to you. It almost sounds like you can't wait for your mom to be out, so you can take over her home and remodel it.

I don't want to sound mean or hurt your feelings...but I hope you are thinking the same thing about your mom. She may not have the same style you do, but she enjoys it. Perhaps it would be a good idea to pay off your bills, rent a space and help your mom with her house.

If you can find a style you both love and this works out...great! Moms can be so loving and ready to help (not all, but many) and it's nice if the children are as quick to be there for them. Just my two cents...and best of luck with your plans :)

Lavender lass,I was a little taken aback at your comment that it is almost as if I wish my mother was already out of the house. I sure didn't mean for it to sound that way. I would never say anything to hurt my motherâÂÂs feelings. She is wonderful person, but like all of us, she has characteristics that can be challenging. By âÂÂescapeâÂÂ, I meant some alone time with my husband. Moving in with her will be to her advantage as well, as she would never leave her home and I donâÂÂt want some hired caregiver helping her in this last phase of her life. I love my mother, and want to spend time with her before she passes as I have always lived so far away because there are no job opportunities in her area. She has always been there for me and I want to be there for her now. Décor has just never mattered to her and it does to me. Whenever we have discussed my living there, she tells me she would love it and any reference I make to remodeling would happen after she is gone, unless she wants me to tackle a project.
My mother has never had anyone pamper her and this is what I want to do for her. She deserves it.
I am also moving there as there is a 12 year old boy who needs 2 responsible adults to step in and help. It will be a huge lifestyle change for us, but feels like the right thing to do.
But, you are right. It is her home and I am darn lucky to have the opportunity to live there and clean up our financial messes (which are mostly due to husband losing jobs because of the industry he is in and also due to huge medical bills). I hope I donâÂÂt sound too defensive.

Lynndale- I am sorry if I hurt your feelings...but I am in a similar situation (mom moving in with us) and I know how difficult it is to work with everyone's needs, wants and tastes :)

I just wanted you to realize how it might sound, if for instance your mom or one of her friends happened to come across this post. A few years ago, we had cousins realize they had been posting under GW names for some time...and didn't realize they were talking to each other on the kitchen forum! LOL

While I completely understand needing some 'away time' for you and your husband...it is wonderful that you are going to be there for your mom and a 12 year old boy, who needs your help.

Best of luck with the move and please let us know how things work out!