We started out as young kids and still going strong after 51 years. Our first house was a 3 family so the rents would pay for it and he and I worked day and night together to make it presentable. After five years we bought another house and kept that one and went on and on to do that, working together side by side. We're both creative people so improving and improvising was easy to conceptualize but darn hard to execute. We're now married 53 years and still doing it. We still work as hard and furious at achieving what we dream. Right now we're working on our bathroom in our Maine house loving all the hard work and the outcomes. People are almost fed us with us as we love doing this. I tell them I'm a peasant worker in another life. I can really say we agree about 90% of the time and the other ten we duke it out or the nicest one concedes. lol

I absolutely love reading about all your relationships and strategies.

Bronwynsmom - We're also in our late 30s so I think we've both had time to get set in our ways. DH and I are college sweethearts who went our own ways and reunited years later. :)

I want to be sure I don't mistakenly give the impression that I'm griping about DH or that we're always fighting about this topic. We're best friends and mostly have the same taste when it comes to furniture style but sometimes I kind of wish he wouldn't intervene and just let me do "my thing". I do like the advice about us trying to work more cooperatively in each room rather than going in later and un-doing the other's work. :)

Wifisker, couples often start their marriage assuming they are of the same mind regarding their roles within the marriage. When those assumptions turn out to be wrong there is conflict. The drill is the same for all such conflicts. You recognize the problem (you BOTH have strong feelings about decorating therefore neither of you will ever get to have the entire house exactly the way YOU would choose to have it), you decide together how you want to resolve the problem. Let the negotiations begin!

I am the Boss of our house :-)

DH loves it, is happy to live in the setting that I create, and doesn't complain about the cost ---indeed, he never questions anything. He is not at all interested in decor and would rather pull out his fingernails than go shopping or look at samples of anything. Luckily, my best friend (who lives out of state) and I frequently visit each others' homes and are always exchanging photos as things change. My mom and I shop together at antiques markets and our favorite shops in her city, so I have as much feedback as I want or need.

Patty--- I too, am amazed when I read posts written by women whose husbands seem to be decor despots. And I am thankful I don't have to deal with that chauvinism.

Almost exactly word for word what Suzanne said..and we have 42 years too ! Board and cement block bookshelves in cheap apartments from 1971 till 1979. Then only one house from 1979-2002 and now house #2 till we die :) We work on everything together and always have. I wouldn't dream of spending anything substantial without talking to DH and getting his input. He has a wonderful color sense and also a great eye for design and spacing of furniture. He is my best man ....wouldn't have it any other way. Oh and we make the bed together. c

DH wouldn't rearrange things like yours does wifisker, but he would discourage me from decorating or changing things, he even used to frequently say things like "who are you trying to impress?". Eventually I figured out there were a couple of reasons for him doing this. He didn't want to have to do work around the house, he was secretly worried that changing things meant I was going to go out and spend lots of money, and thirdly he just didn't get that a prettier home was important to me, because he couldn't see any practical point to it. Eventually we got over this and stopped arguing about it, but only after I made him realize why it was important to me, (and also convince him i wasn't going to spend money we don't have, or make him spend his weekends working on the house), but actually once he realized why I wanted to decorate in the first place, he understood that it was something that mattered to me but really wasn't important to him so he just leaves me to it now.

DH and I have the same taste. But I will never let him arrange furniture.

He thought of something I didn't when we added on. He had the electrician put an outlet in the middle of the floor. I asked him "Why did you do THAT??" (at the time I didn't know it was a great idea because our furniture would be floating.) He said, "Because I can put my recliner there with a lamp." Ay yi yi. He honestly thought he could get away with putting his recliner in the middle of our LR? lol.

Fun topic - but don't compare your marriage to someone elses :) We've been married 25 years and sound a lot like many of you. My DH can fix/install/build/do whatever I ask him to. Being an engineer, he brings a great perpective to things. He pretty much goes with what I like, but I usually run it by him to get his opinion. After being married for so long, I think our tastes have grown similar, which helps. Like mtnrdredux, sometimes my DH's ideas are better than mine :). But we can't let that secret out, he might get laughed out of the office :)

For the first few years of our marriage, DH gave me the impression that everything I wanted to do was fine with him. It took me much too long to realize that it was in his nature to avoid any form of disagreement, as his parents had a problematic relationship...his mother was meek but stubborn, and his father was disengaged but temperamental. No one in his family was the least bit creative, so he had never experienced the tossing around of ideas that can lead to the best solutions. My family talked, and argued ideas affectionately and without rancor (no Thanksgiving ever passed without at least two people leaping up from the table to look up something). Silence was construed to mean consent.

So because we loved each other, and I wanted to do wonderful things to make our house a home, and because he wanted to give me everything I asked for, I innocently disposed of some things he loved, and added things that didn't feel much like his own to him.

Thirty years later, we've worked all that out, but understanding the communication failure took us longer than it needed to.

Honest questioning of ideas purifies them. Keep talking - to understand more than to convince - and you'll get it sorted just fine. And still love each other after 30 years.

Beekeeperswife - that link is a riot! I think that's a reality show DH would watch.

Jennifer

HA HA HA!!! I forgot to go back and read the article until Jennifer_in_Kansas just posted about it. I think I need to send the link to DH since he would totally get a laugh from it.

My DH says that he lives under a benevolent dictatorship. I do all the research, pricing etc and so what I decide goes, unless he has a strong opinion and hates something, then I don't do/choose it.

I usually make the decorating decisions, but I've never put my husband into a position where pink and purple took over the house! LOL

Usually, we use greens, blues, brown, a bit of gold or red, etc. depending on the room. I tend to like outdoors/wildlife pictures (like your DH) and despite the pictures I often post on the kitchen forum...I'm not that 'girlie' with my decorating.

However, I've been so stressed with my husband in the hospital, I've been buying purple blouses and T-shirts...my favorite color. The other night, I brought home a purple quilt for the bed. It's a very dark purple, but I know my husband is going to be 'surprised' so I'm trying to tone it down with some green and gold. But, I love it :)

My DH and I also married in our late 30s, and Bronwynsmom is right about the second job. At the start, DH didn't trust me to make decisions on my own, and questioned and second-guessed everything I wanted to do (his first wife was a bit "dim" and he had to make every decision). It didn't take long for him to figure out that I knew a lot more than he did about repairs, improvements, decor, and resale value, and that I was a lot handier as well. It's been almost 20 years, and we've worked out a good arrangement: I don't comment on how much time he spends on the golf course or ask him to paint or fix anything, and he doesn't get involved in the management of the household or checkbook unless I ask him for his opinion, which I do when I'm uncertain about something or want a another perspective. Works for us.

Wifisker, the best piece of advice I got when I became engaged to my DH thirty -six years ago, came from the wife of his best friend whom I barely knew. They had invited us over to dinner and while the men were off on the tennis court, she took me aside and said, "Don't make the mistake I made when we first got married, I always wanted to be the perfect wife. So I always agreed to every movie he wanted to see, never insist that he do anything around the house, etc. Now I can't get him to do anything." In other words, she spoiled him. I think sometimes we women are so afraid of being a nag or a shrew that we go the other way,and risk being a doormat instead. Compromise is essential in a marriage, but so is assertiveness. Rearranging furniture the day after you arranged it, without some sort of discussion, strikes me as very controlling. While it may just be a moment of thoughtlessness, I'd definitely have a conversation about this, before it becomes a pattern in your marriage.

I pretty much do everything decorating wise but always consider dh and what he would like, mainly his comfort.
If it is something major I will consult him with narrowed down choices, but I know what he likes.
Overall, we have similar tastes, though I may have a wild hair once in a while that I indulge with accessories.
He tolerates it, knowing it won't last.
Overall, he doesn't care as long as everything looks nice.
He has learned to trust me more over the years but there are still legitimate, good ideas I don't do because he doesn't like change.

I have a SIL who makes almost all the choices as DD know he does have taste, not that she doesn't, but takes some of the decision making from something she's really not too concerned about. It just so happens that SIL and I see eye-to-eye on his choices, or if I comment on a piece of furniture/color that would be a better alternative, he'll usually take my advice w/o too much persuasion. We always say because we're both Virgos with our birthdays being only 2days apart, we 'think alike' . DD agrees! LOL

I have a SIL who makes almost all the choices as DD know he does have taste, not that she doesn't, but takes some of the decision making from something she's really not too concerned about. It just so happens that SIL and I see eye-to-eye on his choices, or if I comment on a piece of furniture/color that would be a better alternative, he'll usually take my advice w/o too much persuasion. We always say because we're both Virgos with our birthdays being only 2days apart, we 'think alike' . DD agrees! LOL

Patty0315, you really pushed a button for me. I cannot stand when a woman says "he will not ALLOW" green/blue/metal/carpet... whatever. If it really matters to him you discuss it, but who the heck made "him" boss. No way! My husband, and no I will not call him DH 'cause he isn't always DH, yes is dependable, charitable, trustworthy - all around good guy, but he is not the boss. I agree about the trust issues in a later marriage - took me 15 years before I would comfortably agree to joint bank and securities accounts. There may be more to the issue than just "decorating".

DH pretty much lets me do what I please but I try to take into account how something may or may not work for him. I think that he realizes that I always try to take his needs and desires into account when I make decisions. I sometimes ask for his input as well as w/ the children because if something doesn't work for any of them and they can't adapt then it will get messed up and not work for me anyways so why fight it.

Believe it or not I tend to request more 'hands on' opinions from our kids instead of DH. They're the ones that have to live in and organize their rooms and put toys away downstairs so I do actively recruit their suggestions of what will work for them. Downstairs I get more of the say w/ them - upstairs they get a far more active say in what goes. In th eend I have the veto power if I absolutely can't live w/ something.

Rearranging the furniture does sound controlling. Don't let it become a pattern because you will learn to resent it.

My 88 year old MIL dealt with a loving but controlling husband by letting him "rule the roost" throughout their marriage. She has become increasingly resentful of him in their latter years. Recently, when he left the room, she turned and said to me, "I created this monster." Very sad after 68 years of marriage.

Looking at marriage requires a long lens.

It's become my opinion that almost everyone has a view of herself and of her fellow before marriage...and then is taken by surprise when a whole list of expectations comes roaring into the mix once married.

It's not just him and me any more, but also our different family histories, and our assumptions about what it means to be Wife, Husband, and Family.

It's been my observation that there's an adjustment period when newlyweds, fearing a loss of self, feel more competitive than cooperative. In trying to be important to each other, either or both of them may bend themselves in to shapes they no longer recognize. In my view, the danger at this point is that each will privately deny those things in themselves, resent them in the other partner, and taint the relationship with manipulation and suppressed anger.

The trouble with competition is that for anyone to win, someone else has to lose. Fine on the tennis court; not so fine in the family.

If a young couple can learn early to talk gently and often about how they feel, acknowledging when they aren't yet entirely sure why, or that they might be unreasonable, rather than pointing an accusing finger at the other, or burying annoyances in the hope that they'll just go away, so much unnecessary pain could be avoided.

The best negotiating technique I've ever known is to understand and express the what other guy needs to get out of it right at the start.

So, now that I've finished lecturing, my motherly advice to you, Wifisker, is to make him a nice cocktail, sit with him, and say, you know, darling, I want this to be your house as much as it is mine, but when you do X, it makes me feel Y, and I know that's not your intention, so could we talk about finding a way of doing this that is better for us both?

We're both engineers and testers and we both like to run the show, but he leaves most of the house decorating to me. But I do run most of the big decisions by him as we are both big stakeholders. Fortunately our tastes run pretty much the same, and he will speak up if he has a strong opinion. We're not big re-arrangers so that's not a problem. He does tend to focus on a lot of 'functional improvement' ideas. Fortunately he has a big barn/workshop to practice and play in.

Beekeeperswife, I loved the link. Bookmarking so I can go read some of the other articles later.

Mayflowers wrote: "Recently, when he left the room, she turned and said to me, "I created this monster." Very sad after 68 years of marriage."

That is sad. Even sadder is that she blames herself for creating the "monster".

This topic resonates with me. In the past year I have downsized from a 5-bedroom house in PA to a 2-bedroom coop in FL. That in itself is not a problem.

What IS the problem is a DH who, now that he's retired, feels a loss of control in his life and has redirected his insecurities into the decor of the new apartment.

He used to leave all the decorating to me. Now he fusses over every detail. He argues with all my ideas, no matter what they are. He asks my opinion and then scoffs at my opinion.

It's not about decorating at all. It's WAAAY beyond decorating.

This road, which used to be fairly smooth, has gotten very rocky.

Things change.

Sigh.

I have sent this link from Cote de Texas to more than a few woman who have had your complaint wifisker. Someone here at gw posted it and it stuck with me.

So, what do you do if you want a pink bedroom and a living room filled with white slipcovered furniture and scratchy seagrass rugs, but your husband refuses to budge from his man cave mentality? ....

After you click the link, click on the link for full article and you will be taken to Antiques Shops Magazine. The article is on p. 124. The article may seem a bit manipulative, but I say whatever works....

browynsmom "I never really wanted to get married...it seemed to me that a man got someone to help him through life, and a woman got a second job." That gave me a chuckle!

Here is a link that might be useful: Convincing Your Husband To Decorate Your Way

mclarke, I am so sorry for this development.

I know it isn't any of my business, but is it possible that he is seriously depressed? There's a kind of agitated depression that sounds not unlike what you describe. Is your husband likely to listen to that possibility, if he knows that treatment is possible and likely effective? Is there a doctor or minister he would trust, if he is argumentative with you?

And is there someone you can turn to to help with the repercussions for you?

Mclarke- Can you get him to take up golf...or any hobby? If he won't, maybe you should :)

Thank you both so much for your concern. You're both very sweet.

"I know it isn't any of my business, but is it possible that he is seriously depressed?"

Sure it's possible. But he is unlikely to listen to me about ANYTHING right now. I can only wait.

Doctor or minister? Not in a million years.

Golf? Not in two million years.

Retirement is not bringing out the best in him. He is argumentative by nature. Unfortunately, at the moment, there is only me to take the brunt of it.

It will be fine. I just have to be patient.

Don't worry, I won't be patient for the next sixty-eight years. : )

At some point I would imagine he will have to go to a doctor to be treated for something or other, have a shot, get a prescription renewed, etc. I would confidently call the doctor beforehand and speak with him or his nurse about your concerns. He (she) will know how to get in a conversation with your husband and draw him out.

Does he have any interests outside of the house that you could encourage or find other men who enjoy the same things and get them together?

Sometimes it helps to sit down and have that gentle conversation about how to overcome the differences. But often neither party has any idea what is causing them to care so much about the issue to begin with. I think it is well worth seeking professional help because a GOOD professional can often see the real problem immediately. Unfortunately, I think it is hard to find a good pro.

Mayflowers wrote: "Recently, when he left the room, she turned and said to me, "I created this monster." Very sad after 68 years of marriage."

I've known men and women, old and young, that came to resent the power they knowingly gave their spouse. They don't realize they accepted a parent/child dynamic, because it worked for them at the time. These are the people who talk about what their spouse will "allow". The spouse with the power also shoulders all of the responsibility.
Sometimes, often long after the "parent" has led the family to a stable financial, comfortable way of life, the "child" starts to question his/her lack of power. The "parent" has no idea why the spouse suddenly starts to rebel against the long held dynamic. How convenient for the "child", that once the stressful years are over, he/she now wants to become an adult in the relationship!

When you hear someone say their spouse won't "allow" something, try not to judge. Not every "parent" wants to be in charge. Many would gladly exchange some or even all of the power in return for some sharing of responsibility. The parent/child dynamic can't exist unless both parties accepted those roles. Each role has positives and negatives.

Mclarke, there are books out there about your dilemma. As others have said, he has to figure out how he is going to spend his retirement. If he has decided to spend it by sharing in your role as homemaker, the two of you need to have a discussion about that. His job change is affecting your "job" and you have to figure out how to work that out. IF he has assumed some of the work of homemaking as many retired people do, he should also have some power over household matters. If he is relieving you of some of your former responsibilities, you should find a new way to spend some of that time!

I would confidently call the doctor beforehand and speak with him or his nurse about your concerns. He (she) will know how to get in a conversation with your husband and draw him out.

Good idea, Patty. But he's healthy as a horse. (Of course, of course... and no one can talk to a horse, of course... sorry.)

Does he have any interests outside of the house that you could encourage or find other men who enjoy the same things and get them together?

Uh, no. We just moved here, and he's not really the social type.

But I didn't mean to hijack this thread. It's supposed to be about decorating.

Although if I tear our my hair and strew it around, I suppose that could be considered decorating, lol...

I am having flashbacks to when my father retired at the age of 50. He completely reorganized all the cabinets and drawers in the kitchen to what he thought was a more logical arrangement.

He saw two small brown bottles on a shelf, side by side. Both half full. Clearly a waste of space to have two half-full bottles. So he combined the contents.

When I asked my mother why the chocolate chip cookies tasted a bit odd, she told me that Dad had combined the vanilla and almond flavorings. Being the frugal soul that she was, she couldn't bring herself to throw the bottle out, so we had funny tasting cookies and brownies for a month.

Fortunately for both of them, Dad found a part-time job soon thereafter.

wifisker, this really stood out to me: "He means well and has been very good about helping with all the projects we've had going on but sometimes I think his ISTJ personality type really shows when it comes to more creative things like decorating. He doesn't understand the concept of "conversation groupings" or visual form and acts strictly on order, logic and function. Typical examples - he insists that all seating should be facing the TV and any chair he might sit in must have an ottoman in front with a table at the side. It almost sends me into convulsions."

I'm with your husband on the ottoman and table. Well, for me it is just that the chairs I sit in the most have to have a place for a drink, and some place to put my feet up. One chair has a matching ottoman; I put my tea mug on the window sill. One chair has a little foot stool; I put my mug on a bookcase shelf. One chair has an end table; I put my feet on the coffee table. If he really wants or needs to put his feet up and have a place for a drink, that is something that you can probably accommodate. Same needs, different ways of meeting them.

But his need for logic and function gives you a way to tackle getting the rooms to work the way you want. It's logical in a room just just for TV watching that all the seating face the TV. But in a room with multiple functions, that's not a logical set-up. Have him list all the functions of a given room and together brainstorm how the furniture needs to be placed. Experiment--put two chairs side by side and have a conversation. Then put two chairs at right angles and talk. Then put the chairs facing each other, maybe separated by a coffee table, and have another conversation. Maybe you can't tell him how things need to work, but you might be able to show him.

Appeal to his logical side. Come up with logical reasons why certain furniture arrangements work better than others. Once, long ago, I got a book from the library that really went into why certain furniture placements worked better than others. That was many years ago and I can't remember the name or the author, but you might try to find a book or an article that gives logical reasons for conversation groupings and the like.

Your DH wouldn't be an engineer by any chance? Your complaints sound a lot like my poor sister-in-law's. She's married to my brother, who is sort of a typical engineer. She has control over the living room; he's been given a certain amount of free rein in the family room, to the tune of a ceiling-mounted HD projector, a viewing screen that descends from the ceiling at the touch of a button, 3 or 4 gaming systems, 3 computers and shelves of messy manuals and computer parts. Plus more shelves (built-in) for the 3 kids' toys. She just asks that all the wires and cables be hidden. Since this gives my brother another project to mess around with, and lets him buy more "toys," he's a happy camper.

Their living room is a lovely Arts and Crafts styled room, very calm and peaceful. When I visit, SIL and I have long chats there, away from Dear Brother. And the kids, who prefer to hang out with Dad and his toys.

DH likes neutral colors, bland walls, and no change.

I'm getting into decorating and want our house to look nice and put together and decorated, rather than just a collection of things. He doesn't object to that idea, but can't visualize and would just as soon leave everything as it is.

I instigate all furniture shopping and decor shopping, since he gives in to his inertia.

That said, he does have strong opinions for certain things. I don't *touch* his office--I think the artwork is hung at the wrong heights and with a non-appealing spacing. But it's his office and his artwork and my only requirement is that there's an extra chair for me to sit in when talking about something on his computer.

He really doesn't want to change our Shaker Beige walls--in any of the rooms. I'm working around that because it really matters to him. When I combine "it really matters to him" and "it would be really expensive" and "I hate figuring out paint in open spaces where the walls don't have obvious stopping points", I conclude "we won't change the wall color".

OTH, I took all the stuff off the top of the bookcases. He doesn't like it. I told him after he dusted, we could put the Great Books collection up there (all the same, all nicely bound), but since he hasn't dusted, I don't have to put anything up there. He gave in on my desire to have the two sofas in the living room different colors. He gave in on the rug--he wanted beige. We got a deep red.

It's his house, too--I think he should get a say. But I wanted a bigger say!

I agree with those who recommend communication--what do you expect, what do you need, what do you want, how do you feel, what approach will work for both of you...

Our solution is that whoever cares most, wins. So, we have Shaker Beige walls, but our two sofas are different colors.

mclarke...

Why, do you think, is he so angry?
Was his identity completely dependent on his job?
Has this disconnection been masked by business, and busyness?
And, because I am sitting safely here in our mutual anonymity, I am bold to say, why do you think it will be fine?

Interesting, how much we come to care about each other in that anonymity. I am genuinely worried for you.

If he won't get some help for this, I hope you will.

Enough from me about this.

Mc, could you get him involved volunteering? It's not all soup kitchens, if he likes arguing, he would be a good advocate for the elderly, for instance. He needs a passionate cause to occupy his mind.
I definitely feel for you.

"I told him after he dusted, we could put the Great Books collection up there (all the same, all nicely bound), but since he hasn't dusted, I don't have to put anything up there."

This made me laugh, especially since I just washed my hands in the spare bathroom and saw that he'd left the toilet lid up and it was unflushed. I was just about to flush it - unhappily - but then decided I'll leave it that way until he gets home from fishing and calmly tell him that going forward I'll view unflushed toilets as an indication that the culprit is volunteering for bathroom scrubbing duty next time it's due. At that point the decision will be his and I don't even have to nag.

I may have been one who said that my hubby "wouldn't allow" me to paint the panneling. But when you understand that the panneling is what made him want this house and and often sits around telling me how beautiful it is. When I discussed painting it he hugged the wall and almost cried about what a crime it would be to paint that beautiful wood. Sheesh. What kind of creep would I be to take that away from him? He has never complained about my rose blossom bedspread or the lavender bedroom nor the bright yellow bathroom (neither survived my change in taste though). Just a few weeks ago I came in from the 107 Degree heat and sun so bright I needed sunglasses AND a visor, walked into my all wood living room and immediately felt the relaxation and relief from all that white outside. Oh no, am I changing to be more like him? I do however, still walk behind him and turn ON the lights he turned off. He just shakes his head and I laugh. I have not become a mole yet!

Retirement means... Twice the husband and half the cash. Not there yet, but I have been told this is the truth.

Cindyloo talks about the parent/child relationship dynamic. I unfortunately was in one, as the parent. And I didn't like it. Pointed it out to hubby I didn't want to be his mother. As time went on, he became less responsible instead of more so. Sadly we are divorced now.
But I have been redecorating, remodeling, refurnishing, etc. all by myself. And I do like that aspect of my new single life.

I feel your pain Kathy. I have been there. When the woman is the parent, she loses all interest in "romance" with her spouse. Women simply don't feel romantic towards someone they see as a child.

This problem does not seem to occur when the parent is the man.

What really grates on my last nerve so often here is reading "My husband will only 'ALLOW' green paint and I hate green but every room HAS to be one shade of green he likes" or "My husband won't 'ALLOW' anything but white sheets". Allow? How and why do women live like this in 2012?

I can tell you my take on this, based upon my own experience. I was married for 15 years to a man who initially was agreeable and, like me in my early/mid 20s (when we met), still finding his way in the world. By the time we were both close to 40, he had morphed into -- well, I hesitate to say a monster -- but an extremely controlling individual who didn't care one whit for my thoughts or opinion. What I wanted simply didn't matter. He made it abundantly clear that because he brought home a significant amount of money, he was calling all the shots. I remember longing for a certain flooring in the house that we were building. He adamantly and steadfastly refused, and for no other real "reason" than it wasn't his preference - or idea. There was no reasoned discussion or compromise. Not ever. It was his way or the highway. As far as "allowing" this to happen - well, sometimes women just do, because the only alternative is to get the hell out. And sometimes we just aren't quite ready to make that move yet.

I did make the move, however, and even 10 years down the road and in a new, completely different kind of relationship now, I still have moments where I revel in the liberation of not being under my ex's thumb.

My wonderful DH is a sweetheart with an excellent eye for color. My only complaint about him is that, while he stands back and graciously accepts my decorating choices, he is very particular about "his stuff" -- almost to the point of being OCD at times. A stack of magazines that's been there forever? Don't touch them. He does the grocery shopping and the cooking. I can't tell you how many times there has been a recipe that he intends to make at some point during the week, but all of the ingredients have to stay out in plain sight -- or it's like he fears that he'll forget what he has planned to do. Same with grocery coupons. They can't be kept in the coupon organizer or in the drawer. He worries he'll forget about them. This behavior occasionally drives me a bit batty, but in the overall scheme of things, it's still a very small price to pay to live with a man who treats me like my opinions do matter.

My husband took as active part in the early stages of planning our remodel, and he had much to say about space planning and choosing the contractor. We worked through those decisions together without too much strife; but before we sign the actual contract, there are a number of decisions still to make (countertops, tile, flooring, paint, furniture, etc.).

For a variety of reasons, planning has taken over a year. My husband is tired of the process and just wants to be done. He has turned the final decision-making over to me and says that he will live with whatever I choose. This should give me a sense of freedom, but in some ways this is making it harder for me. I promised not to drag him back to the tile/carpet store, but I did ask him to spend a little time reviewing a collection of pictures I had gathered on Houzz. For someone who claimed not to care, he had definite opinions about many of the pictures I showed him. In the comfort of our own home, he was able to spell out a number of criteria that I can use when I go back to the tile store alone. It is still a challenge because he is partially colorblind and many shades wash out to gray for him, so I can only guess how he will see things. I will narrow the choices, but I may ask him to go with me one last time before nailing down the final selection. Even though he says he will live with whatever I choose, I want it to be something he can see and appreciate in his own way.

Bronswynsmom asked:

mclarke...
Why, do you think, is he so angry?
Was his identity completely dependent on his job?
Has this disconnection been masked by business, and busyness?
And, because I am sitting safely here in our mutual anonymity, I am bold to say, why do you think it will be fine?

Interesting, how much we come to care about each other in that anonymity. I am genuinely worried for you.

If he won't get some help for this, I hope you will.

Thanks so much for your concern, Bronswynsmom, it means a lot to me, it really does.

My DH is a complicated man in a difficult period of his life. Like many men, he is all about CONTROL. In his job, he was -- or felt like he was -- in control. Now his life has shrunk in size and impact. It will take some time for him to get used to this.

I'm no shrinking violet. I'm willing for the upheaval to settle. If it doesn't settle... if it gets worse... if the situation becomes intolerable for me -- there are options. I know how to open a door.

Please, don't worry. This was really only about decorating. Sure, it's indicative of a larger issue, but doesn't our decor always reflect our lives in a larger way?

Thanks again for your concern. Yes, it's anonymous, but I feel the warmth all the same, and it cheers me to know someone is listening.

I am so fortunate to have a husband who understands decorating our house is more than just making these pretty for me. Its really an outlet for all of the nervous and creative energy I have. For the most part I make the decisions regarding the house but sometimes he does put his two cents in. For example, I am notorious for gravitating towards furniture that is not all that comfy. After a couple of hard as rock chairs with low backs, my husband has decided that if its intended for sitting or lying on, he has to try it out first and approve. With my eye for good looking pieces and his demand for comfort, we have put together a pretty nice house if I may say so myself. All in all, we make a good team and we have learned alot in the past 7 years!

mclarke, you are entirely welcome.
Yes, everything to do with home is a reflection of our lives.
The state of my office/workroom is always a clear indicator of the state of my mind!
Maybe he will find a cause he can throw himself into, and find that being needed in a new way will renovate his spirit.
I'll shut up about it now, and will hope mightily that you can open only a window, and won't have to open that door.

Sunny, so true! I removed the words CAN'T, WON'T and ALLOW from my vocabulary years ago. As much as you love someone, you *shouldn't* need to completely give in to your way of thinking. Sharing and discussing, then mutually agreeing on an idea is the ony way to go. The 'other way' can put your marriage in jeopardy, unless you absolutely do *not* care to have an opinion, at least in certain instances.

I've carried this fortune from a cookie for at least the last 20 years, "your only goal in life is to be true to yourself". I've lived by those words. ;o)

In my house I’m the boss. However, if it’s a big project I narrow down my choices in three’s. I then get husbands opinion.

I think when it comes to both persons having a strong opposite opinion on décor it’s best to hire a professional. Very often if one or the other is not satisfied with what they may view as the short end of the compromise stick the disgruntled blame game monster eventually raises its ugly head (no matter how much you try to hold it in). Perhaps my neighbors who are recently divorced are influencing my thoughts on this topic though. I’m thinking that any disgruntled blaming at one another might be sideswiped by a third party. I actually stopped a few full blown eruptions on wall or door color by mixing shades they both liked so they each could feel they got a little bit of their own way. Plus, in my neighbor’s case of very different tastes, the overall flow was really awful when they were successful in compromise. In their open floor plan you entered into a very contemporary living room, to your right was a very traditional dining room and past that was the family room in totally unrelated color, style and quality to the other rooms. You could literally see who did what room and what room they both did. It was almost as though you were in a furniture store with several different style and color displays all under the same roof.

Deedee, that article made me see red. I mean, really...all her life every woman only dreams of a house and babies, and every man dreams of soldiers. Gag. I dreamed of being Mary Tyler Moore, and living life down to the M in her cool Minneapolis living room!

Anyway, just chiming to say how interesting I've found everyone's thoughts. No surprise I"m sure that the my-husband-won't-allow-me line is NOT one I would ever tolerate.

And yet...I gradually did allow my husband to dictate far too much of how our lives would be lived. It took a real cataclysmic change in our relationship to get things onto a more even keel. I like what that tv show nanny used to say "As you start, so you go". Some very good advice given here about not starting out giving someone else so much control that eventually there is only one person taking up all the relationship oxygen. Oh, and the decorating decisions too!

Ann

Hmm...yes. "As you start, so you go." Thanks, running.

That put me in mind of another good thing I try to remember...I think of it in relation to volunteering and other obligations, but it's germane to patterns of living, too...and that is, "it is much easier to stay out than to get out."

runninginplace, The article can come across as manipulative but I take it more as light advice - sometimes your SO doesn't get it and here's what worked for me.

As for me, my home is important to me and it was something I dreamed about starting as a tiny tot. Not the only dream, but in the top five.

Over the years it has tapered off, but I still have customers split up a purchase on various credit cards so their husband won't know how much they spent. I have been told how they hide their purchases in the trunk for days then 'sneak' them in the house. I feel bad for them. Not the dynamic in my family, but that's their choice.

It's interesting to see how couples shop together. Some are a joy and some are just idiots to each other....