Confrontation doesn't have to be nasty but you do need to speak up as early as possible. Just tell them that you think there is a misunderstanding and that you feel it would be best that an agreed upon plan was acknowledged by all parties. Tell them that you want the architect, builder and yourselves to sign a copy of the final plans before they start construction. Don't sign unless you have what you want and don't let them start building until you do. This way they can't say they didn't know.

Our architect has been driving us crazy as well, so I feel your pain.

I think you need to make it clear that you have laid out the kitchen the way you want it and her job is to draw that into the plan. Thank her for her input, but tell her that your plan is what works best for your family and the design phase is over.
She is not misunderstanding but is choosing to circumvent what you are asking for. You need to stop asking and start telling. It also may be good for your builder to hear that you will stick to your guns and will not be run over. They have seen your nice side, now show them your firm one.

lyvia - all I say is "stay strong!" - we had an architect that wanted things a certain way. I held strong on a few and let a few others slide (and then I changed them down the road with my GC bc they were fairly minor BUT it was tedious doing that bc I was always worried it would get messed up since the changes were not on the plans).

One thing I tried was just being straightforward (I hate confrontation too) - I said "I hear that you want X. However, I would like "Y" - how long will it take you to change the plans to reflect what I want?" If she comes back with the sink again, say "Please try again." I like how missmuffett used "there has been a misunderstanding."For me, simple statements worked the best - and I tried not to open things up for discussion.

One of my friends said "they will leave and do other projects and you will be stuck looking at what you don't like for years and years." So it is worth any discomfort you would feel now. Hang tough!!

No need for confrontation. The architect and the builder both work for you. If they're not working FOR you right now in the planning stage, I'd remind them that they can go work for someone else. Building a house is a long process - there are a lot of decisions that need to be made. Make sure that they understand who will be making them. Be polite, be nice, but be firm. As previously said - EVERYTHING needs to be done in writing.

It was common for me to find myself odd "man" out when designer and DH were talking together. In fact they ganged up on me sometimes, smiling with that patronizing smile that I despise. Similarly, DH, my sweaty equity, leaped ahead and did things without consulting me. Over and over again.

If I were to do it over again, I would have a Sacred Notebook which has all dreams, ideas, orders, contacts, and decisions recorded. Requires dates and signatures. And there would be a requirement that if I was unhappy with a decision, I would record that also so that it would be there in writing for future reference.

All too often, I have retroactively wished I had in written form some of the stuff that had apparently passed me by. If DH could prove to me that I had been consulted, I wouldn't be fuming about various things yet today. Similarly, if something unexpected appeared in a plan after the others had signed off on MY suggestion or demand, I wouldn't have had to take that role of shrew or screaming looney or sulker or boulder lying in the road.

I would also require a contractor or other major participant to get my written okay on any decisions. It would prevent DH from having a discussion I never heard. Everyone would have to agree that the guy wouldn't get any money unless I was consulted in a timely and sensible way. Over and over.

Even simple stuff. I have a spray and a soap dispenser at each new sink that should be reversed. But when someone installs things in the middle of the night and proudly shows you how they work as you arrive for breakfast, how can you dare throw a tantrum?

And yes, get the changes written onto the plans. And signed off on by you and the workers. Then you can howl if you need to. Telepathy and sulking won't work. I tried them.

Absolutely stay stong! You've thought it through, you know what you want, you'll love it when it's done, IF it's what you want. KDs, architects, GCs are all trying to bring their expertise and experience to your project. It's all valuable input and experience, to be sure. But it's YOUR kitchen. And more important, your money!!

We designed our own remodel after living in the house for 11 years. We only had a galley space to work with and could only open it up so much. We knew we had to accept some things would not be considered "perfect" kitchen design, whatever that is really, but our GC continually questioned us and sometimes literally rolled his eyes at what we wanted. At one point we were stuck and even questioning our own ideas and we allowed him to take a shot at the design (he is both a chef and a designer). It was a bad idea, and took a couple months of consternation to work back out of that -- he cooks alone and could never get that we work together in our kitchen, his plan would have resulted in some of the same inefficiencies we were trying to eliminate, he put a sink in the middle of our long-dreamed of 8' prep counter run, lowered the ceiling in our gorgeous architect-built high-ceiling home, and a few other things he just felt were critical. In hindsight we know he meant well and just didn't want us screwing up. He was a GREAT builder/project manager, but our design sensibilities just did not match. So we had a few testy rounds, got really stressed out and frustrated, eventually took a couple of his suggestions but ultimately held firm on most of what WE wanted. DH and I said that if in the end we were unhappy, it would be our own fault. But like you... we knew our needs and habits and space, and now that we HAVE what we wanted, we are very happy. Hold onto what YOU want. (We still like our GC, and he built a fabulous kitchen for us that he actually likes now!)

Good luck!

BTW - the only person who should feel "uncomfortable" is the architect when they try to explain why they are not listening to you.

The conversation should basically go something like this:

"I'd like to understand why you keep changing my kitchen design?"

"Ok, I appreciate your input. However I want it the way I originally designed it. And I hope you can appreciate that I'm not willing to pay for the three times you've changed it after I keep asking you to stick with my original design."

I'd recommend skipping the first sentence of the conversation altogether. Just say you've carefully considered her advice and have decided (second sentence). As said, no further discussion allowed.

Your architect seems both hidebound in her notions and inappropriate in her attitudes. I'd be very careful as this project progresses, now and during construction. She has proven she not only does not respect your wishes but will actively subvert them.

Once something is done wrong, and with the best will in the world some things will be, the contractor(s) and architect will be pushing you to just accept and move on. If you can't spend each day on site watching everything (!), learn exactly what will be done each day (including other work if progress is ahead of schedule) before it starts, and confirm just how it is to be done.

BTW, I lived on site and didn't catch a number of mistakes until they were complete. Work moves FAST and people who seem to agree and understand sometimes don't. That was with the best contractor and crews in the county. Great guys, entirely trustworthy.

You do need to talk directly to the builder. No need for confrontation though. Simply ask the builder to replace the architect with one who will follow professional procedure and not make unauthorized changes. He probably won't make the switch but you should find the architect starts accepting your requirements. Don't worry about her getting an attitude problem, she already has one.

Stand your ground, it is your kitchen and you plan to live there a long time. I never look out my sink window either so it's not an unusual request at all.

First, architects are usually lousy Kitchen Designers. Yes, there are a few exceptions but they are rare. An architect wants everything to "look nice" and symmetrical they way they think everything should look...function is a distant second. That's why you should not have an architect design the layout of your kitchen. Some architects are well aware of their bias/limitations and have a KD on staff...but most do not. (And, btw, just b/c someone calls him or herself a "KD" does not mean they really are! You need to see some of their work or at least observe how they work with you, respect your needs & wants, etc.)

Second, it may be time for "The Talk"...although it's a bad sign that you need to have it this early. It sounds like you have been very accommodating to everyone up until now...this has to stop. In all deference to others, I think it is time to begin being very firm and very assertive. You've been "Miss Nice-Guy" and that hasn't worked...it's now time to be "The Boss" (not a nasty boss, but one that knows what she wants & wants it done correctly.)

"The Talk" goes something like this.... I understand you think my kitchen design (or whatever) should be the way you like it (or is easier/less expensive to do). However, this is my home and my kitchen. You will finish up here and leave. I, however, have to live with and work in the final kitchen for many years to come.

I designed my kitchen for very specific reasons, each component has been fully thought out. Please respect my needs and wants.

You may also have to add (hopefully not!): I am the one paying for this, not you.

Do not add this last sentence unless you absolutely have to!

I had to have "The Talk" with both my KD & GC at some point...but I was much further along (it had to do w/issues that came up later). One thing...don't have "The Talk" with other people like employees around...do it out of earshot of others. You don't want to embarrass or otherwise undermine your GC or architect's authority w/their employees...if you do, it leads to more problems.

Stand firm. Be assertive. Don't let anyone steamroll over you or go behind your back.

I agree you should have all parties sign off on the various designs & aspects of the Project...and keep your own copy somewhere so it cannot "disappear" or be tampered with. (Your architect has proven herself untrustworthy in this respect, so you need to cover yourself.) If something is done against the design/agreement, stop work as soon as possible and ask it be fixed b/f proceeding...at their expense, not yours.

You will also need to enforce this when issues come up...tell them to contact you immediately if any problems/issues arise. Tell them you want to be consulted regarding any solutions to these problems/issues, they are not to do it on their own. GCs, architects, KDs, etc. often think they know best...but they do not always. If you have different ideas on how to solve a problem, ask them why yours won't work or why they prefer theirs (it's usually b/c it's easier & cheaper to do it their way, regardless of the outcome functionally or aesthetically.)

As for a cost/benefit analysis of your idea and theirs. Note that if they don't want to do what you want, they will sometimes overprice it so much that either (1) you won't want to pay for it or (2) they'll make a killing if you decide to go for it. I had that experience...but I solved that problem by having an outside person (plumber, in my case) come in and give me ideas & estimates. My GC quoted me $4,800 to solve a plumbing issue...I got estimates ranging from $550 to $1,200 from independent plumbers...I went with the "middle" one at $950. And they did it less intrusively than the GC's plumber planned.

GCs & similar often figure you'll just want to get done and agree to anything...especially as time passes.

Do NOT develop the attitude of "I just want it done" or "I'm too tired to fight anymore" etc. Those and similar attitudes lead to future unhappiness.

Good luck!

Florantha said, If I were to do it over again, I would have a Sacred Notebook which has all dreams, ideas, orders, contacts, and decisions recorded.

Uh, most commercial projects have that sort of a notebook (usually called the "Bible") of plans, where every decision is signed off, and if it's not in the book, it is not going to get done.

I don't know why residential contractors don't do this more often. My BIL always did, and if Mrs. Wish E Washy said in June that the island was in the wrong spot, he could haul out his project notebook and show her where she signed off on the drawings.

Thanks so much for all the support. I can see already that I am going to need your help through this. What a wonderful community. DH will get his long counter thanks to you all.

So I emailed the builder, saying the kitchen in the plans that I got Saturday is not what I agreed to, that my sketch is in his email from 8/19 and they are quite different, and that I don't know why the architect is on the wrong page. I asked him to call my husband on his cell on Tuesday. DH will do an awesome totally biased dump of the architect's every misstep, the builder will calm DH down, and the builder will see to customer service training for the architect, and then hopefully they will pull up the sketch.

We had already had an issue with the roof. The architect had this crazy roof, said that simplifying would cost way too much due to truss prices. (just like Buehl's plumbing - thanks!). I called the builder who settled it - we are having two trusses custom built, and the roof makes sense. The architect emailed that she had never had a client go over her head to the builder before, like I had misbehaved! So after the fix, I was trying to be nice. I kept thinking that maybe her plan would somehow rise above all the tradeoffs, but that's a myth.

But I am the boss, and clear instructions are nicer than pretty words. She is not a kid showing me a school project. Looking back - there is this pattern where she presents something, I say something polite, she changes the subject, and all the time I am thinking I will get a chance to consider it at least overnight. She walks away thinking she has approval. So I have to learn some clear stock phrases, like, let me consider that overnight, so it's not approved yet. Okay - lesson learned for me too.

So thanks again for listening, The notebook is a great idea, too. Email documentation is saving my butt here because the builder had my sketch weeks ago, so the architect is going to have to explain to him why she changed it.

Great! I bet you slept well last night.

FWIW, I like you idea of a long stretch of counter by the window rather than a sink. I can see lingering and staring out while chopping veggies or kneading dough, but not while scrubbing a pan! When I'm at the sink, i don't want to be there long that's for sure!

That's a good way to resolve this. The builder does not want to get stuck building a plan you did not approve and he might have if you hadn't brought this to his attention.

I'm glad you've recognized that you need to be more direct. This is a professional relationship, not a personal one. Architects are taught the business of client approvals both in their education and internships. It is a basic professional requirement so there's no excuse for the situation you described.

Please post again and let us know how this turns out.

Hmm. The architect emailed to let us know that the kitchen won't be finalized until we talk to the kitchen designer. The builder seems to have told her to say that. So he is pricing, and we are waiting (which is fine, work is bad this month). I think the builder is hoping the kitchen designer will have more luck dealing with us. Maybe so, because I am learning here.

I expect to get an estimate for structure (we are adding about 1000 sq ft to the house) with an allowance for the kitchen and cabinets etc. I also expect to have a common base plan at that point, and we can establish changes from the base plan.

Great! So funny. I had no architect or kitchen designer, just my contractor and various subs, so the long line of people who endeavored to save me from my peculiar (nonstandard) plans by offering their expert advice were all wearing toolbelts and toting pipe or 2x4s. :)

It's good that you have a delay in finalizing the plan, but I am wondering why everyone wants to talk you out of what you want. You are the client, you know what you want and why. You are telling them where you want the sink and they are stalling and pushing to do it their way. I could see this if it were a significant cost issue or created a problem with the exterior elevation, but that doesn't seem to be the case. What is the problem here? A sink is a sink and wherever it falls in the counter the work involved is basically the same unless there is a problem getting plumbing to that point. Maybe a little more investigation is needed here for assurance that this will work.

I feel your frustration. We designed our house for 5 months. The architects complained that we gave them the "runaround" and kept making them go back to rehash everything. I complained that they never, ever drew my visions. Finally I tried another approach and asked them to kindly explain WHY they were suggesting other than my requests. ie "educate me in architecture 101." I was able to see some merit when they gave me the rundown, but still I wanted what I wanted. I told them that I really wanted tehm to love my house, but I was the one when MUST love it. I finally asked,"how can we move forward more efficiently?" They replied (frowning), "We'll just draw what you tell us to draw." Well, I love our house- and 90% of the newer ideas came from them- just in our layout.