Love it Goldhills, you gave me a good chuckle!
Cheers,
Dee.

Very funny. ROFLMAO

This is for all you girls 40 years and over.... and for those who are turning 40, and for those who are scared of moving into their 50's...AND 60's and... and for guys who are scared of girls over 40!!!!... This was written by Andy Rooney from CBS 60 Minutes.

Andy Rooney says:As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a hoot what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.

A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coifed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.

That's great Goldhills. Gosh, it almost made me feel good about myself!!
Cheers,
Dee. (56 and not ashamed to say so.)

Thanks for the laughter and wise words.
Marion

Always keep several get well cards on the mantle..... so if unexpected guests arrive, they will think you've been sick
and unable to clean.

______________________________

Sunburn . .

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns .. With his skin already starting to blister and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse who is rather astounded, says, "What good will Viagra do him Doctor?

"It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

Here are a couple of emails sent to me.

This is a public service message for Women to better understand the Male.

Subject: BECAUSE IÂM A MAN

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in. RACQ is not an option. I will win.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of Holy Communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator)...applies to engineers mainly.

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars or football I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... like looking for my socks, or like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

******************************

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD

This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it. ...

Thank you. I needed a laugh today. Wish I could print it but having computer problems. Anyway thanks so much. Love it.

THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, I didn't.
   2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
   3. I Work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.
   4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
   5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
   6. Don't take life too seriously. No one gets out alive.
   7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
   8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
   9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
2. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
3. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
4. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room spinning medicine.
5. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
6. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
7. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
8. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
9. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
10. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
11. Procrastinate NOW!
12. I have a degree in Liberal Arts; do you want fries with that?
13. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
14. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
15. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
16. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
17. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
18. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
19. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
20. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
21. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
22. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

__________________________________________________

The Old Man in the Doctor's Office
(I have censored a couple of words so as not to offend anyone)

An 86 year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my d***," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing...

And then there was the chap with a prostate problem who had to attend his doctor regularly for an update.

Now I will post something else .....long ...... just incase that one sits there too long.

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
3) Insist that your e mail address is: Xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com>
4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual
favors.'

10. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
11. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
12. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
13. dont use any punctuation
14. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
15. Ask people what sex they are.
16. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
17. Sing along at the opera.
18. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
19. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
20. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.
21. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
22. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
23. Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.
24. Call the psychic hotline and just say, "Guess"
25. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
26. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!, I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"
27. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
28. Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head that do"
29. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
30. Every time you see a broom yell "Honey, your mother is here"

LOL they are so funny, I especially like the one about being over 40. ROFLMAO @ little sausage.

Goldhills ..where do you find those things.
the one for women over 40 made me feel good about myself and I had to wonder wheter you had stood in on a argument I had with someone where Thanks ,go ahead ,the loud sigh fine, and nothing were all responses I used.I won the argument mainly because I WAS right all along and he will never argue with me again ,if he knows whats what.!
I will keep these little gems and maybe one day I could use the why buy a whole pig just to get a little sausage line too.
I am still laughing. Keep up the good work.

I related to the words women use as did my husband :)

My daughter often sends me any good jokes that her friends send her and if I have time to spare I search out funny sites looking for good gardening jokes for the newsletter for the school garden club. I don't find many good gardening ones but I find plenty of others.

Here's another one

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and I stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of physical therapy, may even walk again.
Stupid, stupid man.

That's funny!!
Cheers,
Dee.

Cyrus asks: Daddy, how was I born?

Dad says: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said:
You've Got Male!

So that's where baby computer geeks come from! I had always wondered about that. LOL.
Cheers,
Dee.

This isn't about me, a friend emailed this to me (it wasn't her either)

The Washcloth

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.
Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.
After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"
I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard ...
but no ark.
"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to
clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!
When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As
well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, You're not going to destroy the world?".
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced anti-virus programs cannot take care of this one.
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960.
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."