i found myself in a similar situation, except because my husband died very young and unexpectedly. I love my house and wanted to keep it. I live in a college town so decided to rent a room to a student. I only rented to people who came to me via someone I knew and never had to advertise. It was a great way to live; there are many young people who are serious about their education or a new job and are very easy to live with. They acted as pet sitters when I would be away, etc.

I bought a quaint 1940s house a few years ago when my previous house and property got too much for me to take care of. There were a lot of repairs but I did them little by little over several years. My taxes, utilities, etc. are cheaper now but the real plus is that it is cute, small, and manageable.

AirBnb. Generate income from the house you're in. You control when you have guests, so if you have friends and family coming to visit, your home can be available for them.

That is VERY good advice from Sylvia.

I'm sorry you're finding yourself faced with the situation you are. Forty years is a really long time to be with someone; the change can be really overwhelming. If you can afford to for now, you should probably take time to heal first; mourn the relationship that's ended and focus on rediscovering yourself. Give yourself time, it will eventually all fall into place.

My 83 year old mother is a widow and in a good sized house (5bdrm/3ba) because it's been her home since she and my father bought it in the early 60's. It's her home, she loves it. She says it's too big and has often thought about moving and but every time she looks around she says nothing feels right so she stays put. Other women in my neighborhood are in similar situations as well, so I don't think it's that uncommon.

Sylvia said it best!

(( beteacher)) Right now just rest and heal. Big decisions can not be made while you are still in a state of shock. I am sorry for your loss, whether it was your choice or his, now is a time to grieve and learn to breath on your own again, and not the time to consider any other big changes if you can avoid doing so. Here is to reaching a future full of the happiness and peace you very much deserve to have. Take good care of yourself and worry about changes later.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. I agree that taking some time before deciding is a good idea. Eventually, I might look to see if there is a condo situation that would suit you so that you wouldn't have to deal with exterior maintenance.

Yes, Sylvia's advice was excellent. Also, don't forget that big ticket items like a new roof, HVAC, etc. won't happen all at once and if need be you can usually finance them with the company and make payments.

You will know in the next year if your monthly income from alimony, social security, 401k, etc is enough to support the house. I do agree that moving may cost more in the long run depending on repairs you would need to make at a new house.....trading one set of problems for another? Since you have no mortgage and love your house, by all means try to make it work before considering downsizing.

Not to mention that a buyer for your house would bring those items up to either have you do them or drop the price dramatically.

I can add nothing to the wonderful advice you have gotten from everyone else. I wish you contentment and would say stay in the house you love!

Take a little of that extra money and go on a 'healing' vacation, a quiet place where you can enjoy a bit of peace and tranquility, My first suggestion would be Sedona, Az, or maybe a beach resort. It's ok if you want to take someone with you, but remind them your 'mission' is to clear your head, so you may want to have a certain amount of free time to yourself, that's *your* call. Hopefully when you return you'll know what it is you need/want to do. I know many women who are alone for one reason or another(i'm one)and are enjoying their new life as well as their new found freedom. Eventually, we ALL end up alone, but we never forget the life we used to have, whether it be good, bad,or indefferent. Try to make the most of this journey, and new chapter of your life. God bless.

I, too, am sorry for your pain. You've received lots of excellent advice. One thing I've often wondered about. Someone mentioned renting to a college student. But what about another single woman? As we get older, it seems to me that it would be great to have another supportive adult around, to spend as much or as little time together as you'd like. Apologies if this takes the discussion off track.

I agree with Sylvia's advice. I also second the other posters suggestion of a carefully selected roommate. Either a college student or another single woman. Best wishes to you and please let us know how things go. I was blindsided after 20 years of marriage with a divorce. Now I am in a happier place and after a few years found a wonderful new husband. (Not saying that has to be your goal) but just that life does go on. I hope you are finding yourself in a better place.

Thanks for all of your advice. No, it was not my choice, but another woman has been in his life for almost a decade and I never knew. I have thought about having a roommate, just afraid that it might ruin a good friendship. That is still open. I do like the thought of SOMEDAY (than you Sylvia) buying a house not because it is big enough or in the right school district, but just because it is cute! I'd love to hear more about your house Lucille!

My dad always advised his clients to not rush into any major changes for at least 6 months to a year after a death or divorce if at all possible. SInce you aren't being forced to sell the house to divide assets, I echo Sylvia.

If you are near a college, hospital or medical offices, you could consider renting to a graduate student or young professional who might be paying off loans. We recently rented an apartment for my son who eill be starting grad school in the fall and renting a room or garage apartment would have been ideal for him. That woudn't risk a friendship -- might result in a new one, but take some time to consider even that decision and don't rush in. Take your time. The right decisions for the right reasons make themselves clear at the right time.

Staying in your current home and taking in say an older female renter could be a good plan, but if you begin to lean toward downsizing, you might want to start following the housing market sooner rather than later, and watching for what goes up for sale and what sells for what price in your areas of interest. If you wait a year, you may lose out to increasing interest rates. Plus if you start checking in regularly to sites like Realtor.com, etc., you will be an informed buyer should you choose to go that route, and will be better aware of what a good deal is - or isn't. As far as being overwhelmed, remind yourself that you get to explore all your options for a while; you don't have to make a decision at this time! Good luck on your healing journey!

Absolutely take Sylvia's advice and patty cakes healing vacation advice. I would think you'll have a better handle on your long term need/wants in 6 months or so. That would be time enough to consider a renter or a move and allow you to act on either (or neither) of those options at the most appropriate times.

A co-worker I had a while ago was renting from a woman in your situation, along with another engineer ... she basically was "house wife" or concierge for them in a modern-day boarding house.

She had a steady stream of "TDY" engineers as they rotated in and out for training (3-12 month assignments). She took care of the dry cleaning, laundry, the UPS packages and stuff, made dinners and breakfast (group meal planning). The house was laid out so there were three bed/bath combos for privacy
and one bedroom was set up as the home office, wired as only engineers
can wire things.

They had a cleaning person for the monthly heavy stuff, she did light housekeeping.

They had automatic deposit for the rent and utilities going into a "house account" from which all bills were paid.

The guys saved a bundle compared to an apartment with similar amenities (pool, concierge, on-site restaurant, furnished), she had a good income stream and interesting roomies from a multinational company.

I cAn think of nothing to add to the great advice you've recived, especially from Sylvia, but hope your healing process brings new experiences, friends and happiness.

beteacher-I'm happy you posted on Gardenweb, the people here are hugely compassionate folks. Not only do they understand the love of a home, but "life" happens to everone, and many understand intimately what you are dealing with. hugs...

beteacher, I'm sorry you're having to go through this. The other posters have given you good advice.

My husband died 11 years ago from cancer at 58. Five years earlier, before he got his diagnosis, we bought our modest little house. He took out a life insurance policy that essentially would cover the remaining mortgage. At the time it was meaningless to me because I figured we'd be together for a long, long time.

After he died I got mixed advice: 1) Pay off the mortgage! 2) Don't sink all your money in the house. Invest!!!

I couldn't decide so I bought some jumbo CDs back when you could get a decent return (2005). About 18 months after DH died, I decided to pay off my mortgage and never looked back. It took an enormous weight off my shoulders.

When he was alive, we talked about leaving this humble little house and getting something "better." As it turns out, this humble little house sheltered and comforted me during the tough years. It kept me warm, safe and dry. It has been easy to care for and doesn't ask much of me. I can think of nicer neighborhoods and homes more my style, but when all's said and done, I've been hugely blessed.

Whatever you decide, waiting a year is excellent advice. Yes, it's an arbitrary length of time, but all the seasons and holidays will pass, all the big days on the calendar. When a year has elapsed, you will be able to pat yourself on the back and consider your options.

Best of luck to you!

Lazy gardens, what is a TDY engineer? (Please forgive my ignorance!)

Beteacher, I have no advice for you but I wish you the best in the coming months.

TDY - Temporary Duty Means they sent you somewhere for a short assignment, so you have to find a short-term rental or live in a hotel or something.

When I went to Mass for training, the company had a small house a couple of blocks away they put us into - way cheaper than multiple hotel rooms and restaurants.

Lots of good advice here. I am so sorry this has happened to you, and wish you all the best. The same thing happened to my best friend after a 30 year marriage, so you are not alone.

beteacher, I am so very sorry! I just can't imagine what a shock this was for you. Praying you find the answer.

Sylvia got it right, and of course all of your advices were all good. I hope this will help you to find some comfort and ideas. I will include you in my prayers God bless!

Beteacher, I agree with everyone else. Stay in the house you love for at least a year, I would try very hard not to make any big changes. I'm very sorry you are going thru not just a loss but a betrayal as well. Give yourself time to heal. And it will take time. I hope you have loved ones/kids/friends near you that you can lean on.

I wish you all the luck in the world to bounce back from this and make your life the best you possibly can.

I am overwhelmed by the kindness of strangers.

And be kind to yourself, also. I don't know if you're a spirirtual person or believe in God, but I pray when I have those difficult times. He's blessed me more times than I deserve.

Praying in times of difficulty is great, but God wants us to pray in times of need and in times of happiness.

I found myself alone when my husband died suddenly 4 years
ago. I had an old Victorian house that was mine before I married him and
fortunately I could afford it on my own. I was in my late 50’s.

I spent the first year not doing anything differently.
During the second year I started to feel that the house was becoming more time
and money than I wanted to spend, and also the town was more of a family place,
and now I was a single woman. I began to consider what did I want, and where? A
smaller house, like a ranch house, or maybe a townhouse, where I didn’t have to
do much maintenance, but at the time that idea didn’t appeal to me very much (I
also considered renting, but it wasn’t for me). I wanted to be closer to main
roads and the train station, which would be more convenient to my children, and
near a city where my social life was starting to develop. I began looking online
at possibilities, and at the same time I started cleaning out the attic, the
garage and the basement a little at a time.
I had to stay in the same basic area for my job, but there was a radius
that I began to explore, and I tried to picture myself in different scenarios
and went to open houses to get a feel of different towns and situations. I
ended up finding a townhouse community in a great location with floorplan
layouts that I liked, priced well below my current house. I decide to put my
house on the market and amped up the decluttering and sold it before I had a
place to buy. This was last May. I had gotten rid of enough stuff to fit my
furniture & things into a 10x20 storage locker and moved in with a
girlfriend into her son’s old bedroom, twin bed and all, LOL. I found an end
unit townhouse in the area I wanted soon after, and moved in 3 months after
that. I had equity from my old house, but not enough to buy outright, so I
still have a mortgage, but it’s so much less expensive every month and I laugh
at my utility bills now, after what it cost to heat my old house. I used some
of my equity cash and installed hardwood floors and remodeled the 30-year-old
kitchen and I still have money in the bank and I feel so much more secure than
I did in my old house. I love living alone, and its mine, all mine, LOL. And I
go to concerts and festivals and the city and the beach on weekends instead of
doing yard work. Take your time; be open to possibilities, and someday you will
know what is right for you – it took me three years to figure it out, and I’m
so happy with my decision and my life now. Best of luck to you, things do get
better.

Your's is a wonderful "survival" story kitchenwitch.

Survive & thrive!