Is this by any chance your youngest? Thought I would add that my oldest is the super achiever and certain teachers and classmates thought he was a waste of a good engineer" or couldn't believe he wasn't going to go for medicine or at least law (still possible if his first choice doesn't gel), but his passion is music. He's going for it and works very hard at it. .

My younger son, who is also quite capable, grew up in that tall shadow and never seemed to believe he could do it too -- or was afraid of not measuring up. He would test very high. In 7th grade his school had certain students take the PSAT. His score was above the average college bound seniors, but his class grades were probably a struggling B average. He had times he was nearly at all A's, but then he'd tank something. When the older brother went off to college and he had high school to himself, he came into his own. His first two semesters in college were 4.0. He's doing what he loves and doing it really well.

Kswl.....what is your son's major? Is he happy with it and does he intend to work in that field when he graduates? Were his internships in the same field?

More good advice and anecdotes.....thank you all for sharing your experiences! DS2 is indeed our youngest child, and he is a very nice person. He went to college with a single goal/ profession in mind (acting, which he has been his lifelong activity, literally, he was in his first stage play at age 4 ) and at the end of sophomore year became unsure about it. He did junior year fall semester in New York, attending acting classes and auditioning, living in a residential hotel in midtown, getting new head shots, etc. He went to lots of auditions (no idea what he means by lots) and was in a couple of CSI crowd scenes as an extra. But after that semester his mind was made up that he could absolutely not live the life of a struggling actor, it was too hard, too uncertain, and he felt if he couldn't take the anxiety while he had all expenses paid he would fall apart if he had to have a job, earn a living and pursue an acting career. That said, there is a movie studio about 25 minutes away from us and not once did he ever even try to get a summer job there before this decision came about. When his major was still theater/ acting concentration he was a summer intern at a regional theater, a plum placement that could have led to an actual job. That was one of his "underperforming" internships.

He changed his major to something he has never shown the slightest interest in and we are well and truly baffled by that choice. And it is a field in which he cannot earn a living with an undergraduate degree. Groan.

Well, you have a point...it does not bode well that he underperformed in an internship in a field he was interested in. Maybe there were things about it he never shared with you?

Has he talked about where he would like to work or the kind of work he'd like to do when he graduates? Maybe have discussions about that and make suggestions on what he needs to do to land (and keep) a job in that field.

I met a guy my senior year in college in the 70's and we are still friends along with his wife and my DH. He majored in History. When he graduated he worked at a SW paint store for about five years. In his late 20's, already married, he decided to go back to grad school and has had a rewarding career since.

It may just take awhile for your son to find his way, but he will. And if he sinks not swims a few times along the way he will learn a few lessons the hard way. Not what any parent wants to witness but he is an adult and in charge of his own life now. Just be encouraging and supportive, which I know you already are. He does sound like such a sweet guy.

I think your son's concern for the actor's lifestyle is noteworthy. If he is not competitive by nature, the acting industry will be harsh. You are saying the right things now regarding your insistence that he provide for himself following graduation. On a side note, we have all worked hard to provide a lifestyle for our children and then we are surprised when they don't have the "drive" to be more,make more etc. Give him some time.

You are too judgmental. Give your son unconditional love/acceptance, back off and let him find and develop his own path. ... And this might very well drive you crazy trying to do it (no different than oakley backing off with her kid).

If you are trying to define his goals and path, you are NOT giving him unconditional anything. And, yes, your desire for him to be driven (by your standards) IS you trying to define his path.

Kwsl - I spent some time thinking about your son today, as the mother of two now-adult sons who at times had me gnawing my knuckles with worry. I am going to step outside the box here and mention something that I haven't seen brought up. That is the issue of depression. You probably know that depression does not necessarily involve hiding in one's room, weeping into a pillow, and complaining that one's life is useless. The nicest, most charming and agreeable people can be depressed and not realize it. Or realize it and conceal it. I would not look at a young person who is not managing well in college, can't decide what to do, seems aimless, etc., as having depression, as those are common traits of the young.

However, your mention of his lack of a work ethic is concerning. Being late for work, not completing tasks, not caring whether or not they are well done, being willing to slide by At Work (sliding by in school can be a bit different - I say that as a teacher of many decades, especially at university level and with the military) - might indicate something going on inside a personality that we know is personable and delightful to those around him. He certainly knows what your family values are, but - unless he is festering with a rebellion against you, which doesn't seem to be the case - it appears that he cannot live up to them. One of the major tasks of growing up and going through high school and college is to learn to work on and complete tasks that we don't like, that are boring, that seem irrelevant, just because they are there and we have to do them (ask me about college trigonometry and physics, positively horrible). This is even more true of work habits outside school. It must have been difficult for you to write that you would not hire your boy for your family business. This, to me, would be more important than whether he ever finishes his B.A.

And if this is irrelevant, please take it with a grain of salt, because YMMV, If this were my son, I would go to the best psychiatrist I could find, one with a specialty in matters of family and young people. A young-ish one who keeps up with the literature and is completely present for your issue. I would do this for myself and not mention it to my son (at least not now). I would tell him everything (yes, I know that there are lots of female psychiatrists, but I am just plowing ahead using masculine here!). In one or two sessions he might say that all is normal, don't worry, come back in a year. Or he might get right into it and engage and begin discussing details. Later he might suggest that your son try some therapy, but that would be for you and your husband and your boy to decide.

But first and foremost, for yourself. To learn whether or not you are just an over-anxious mother or not. If there is more to it, you will know what to do. And I do believe that a psychiatrist is best. They simply have the most training and experience in recognizing and diagnosing emotional struggles. And today they no longer believe in spending an hour a week for ten years discussing one's potty training and crabby parents. They are very solution-oriented.

My eldest son, from ages 7 - 17, had catastrophic asthma. He varied from little wheezes to pneumonia to a respiratory arrest and Code Blue. What we went through nearly destroyed us, but we did come out the other end and he is good today. I had so many helpful friends, so much advice, people sharing stories of asthma in their families, wonderful people. But what saved my boy was the medical profession.

I sincerely wish you good luck. Your son is in my favorite age group to work with. I have known so many young men and women in college and the military, and I know, especially with the males, despite their bluster and good humor, how fragile they can be!

I am leaving on vacation later today, so will not be able to keep up with this, but I hope it helps!

"but I don't think that has contributed to this laissez faire attitude
about life as his sibs are both very hardworking and goal oriented." Truth be told everyone is different and raising this son "same, same" does not mean he will learn the same lessons, respond the same way. He is who he is and if he cannot earn what he became accustomed to..then he won't live as well as he did when he was younger. This is how the world should work. You need to let go MOM. He is on his own now and he will live his life as he designs it. If he doesn't like having less--it may be motivating for him. At this point that is about all that will cause change in him. The way this usually goes about the time he is really bummed, but still not ambitious, he will inherit and never NEED to work hard.

Arcy.....he is not on his own, he is still in college. Yes, when the time comes we will withdraw support and see what happens.

Jmc, we are not trying to define his goals and paths, we want him to define his OWN goals and paths....very different problem :-( At this juncture in his life, when we still have some influence (and obviously a great deal of concern) we are still trying to encourage him to develop some post grad life plan, or at least to start thinking about it. We do love him unconditionally and completely....that statement is not at odds with our desire for a purposeful life for him, I don't think.

The kid with no ambition that I can think of is 22, put off applying to college, never did, because she wasn't interested enough in anything to choose any particular schools. Since, she's never had any job, because she isn't interested in any sort of unskilled labor. If you try to ask her about what her interests or plans are, she will tell you she has none. She likes to watch television and is really only interested in being supported by someone else. This is "no ambition", not your son.

Clearly there is a continuum, lol. I think the young woman in your example is at the extreme end of what we call " bone lazy." I agree that is not DS's problem but I also think the appropriate solution / response to that is more clear cut!

I keep coming back here because this is so close to my heart. There is no one size fits all formula for how to 'withdraw support' in an effort to launch your kids anymore than there is only one type of kid, as you well know just with your own. When the time comes, it's possible that a quick ripping off the bandaid in terms of financial support may be appropriate. Or a structured downgrading of support may be more in line with reality when the costs of rent, 1st, last, security, utility securities, blah blah blah come into play. As that time approaches you'll see if he's going to need to come home to roost or finds work away from home. You'll consider the alternatives such as charging rent and whatever qualifiers you choose to put on that. These are conversations to begin having with him now, not 3 months before graduation - and you may well be doing that already being the person you are. He needs to be invested in the plan, not just told 'this is how it's going to happen' so tasking him with coming up with a couple of possible scenarios is a way to get the conversation rolling. I assumed too much with my youngest. For some reason I just figured he understood the complexities of life and independence and he was clueless. A lot of those assumptions I made undermined his self confidence because he got the message loud and clear that I believed he should be in a certain place in life and he wasn't there. Shame on me. If I knew then what I know now..... but thankfully we've been able to work through that. He just turned 26 and although he's still hiccuping from time to time, he understands a lot of those life complexities now and is able to steer his own course.

I am not at this stage with my own children, but have seen these issues with other relatives.

I think what makes things different today is that it seems so very difficult for young adults to achieve a typical middle-middle-class lifestyle. In other words, it seemed to me that when we were young adults, most intelligent and reasonable, responsible people were able to find work that would at the very least provide a modest but safe apartment and modest but safe means of transportation, as two of the simplest, most basic markers of adulthood.

Now, it seems as though many people who choose a non-commercial major (or don't go to college at all) or are simply not particularly driven, cannot achieve these markers. I don't expect that all three of my children will necessarily want or be lucky enough to attain the lifestyle they grew up in, but I do expect those basic markers to be achieved. What I would want most for my children is to do to interesting and rewarding work, whether lucrative or not (and kudos to them if they are more evolved then their parents and hence less materialistic).

I think KSWL is justly concerned, because it does sound as though this young man is not yet on his path.

But I think the only thing his parents can do is what they have done. Give him the best possible moral and educational foundation, lots of love and support and practical advice. At this juncture probably the best thing to do is avoid lecturing (not that you are in this case, but I know I would be tempted!), and just keep the relationship open and strong. Wait until he seeks your advice, and in the meantime withdraw the supports as you have agreed. The ball is in his court.

They say one of the most primal, real world definitions of "intelligence" is the ability to adapt to one's environment. He is intelligent. He will adapt and change and morph until he finds what makes him happy.

I assume that if he goes to grad school you will continue your support? Maybe he just needs a little more time to get his feet under him and continuing with his education is the best thing for him.

I wonder if he's floundering because the one thing he loved (acting) was just too cut-throat for him to pursue? Is he shy?

We went through this with all 3 of our kids. Two are my step kids, but we treated them pretty much the same yet different as they all approached college and post-college differently. I think DLM2000 said pretty much what I was going to express. Since your two oldest kids pretty much were on their own fairly quickly and this child appears to not be following suit, you feel concerned. And maybe rightly so since your son has not voiced some firm plan as yet. Is he close to graduation? Maybe I missed that and the internship has followed his graduation.

I wouldn't totally withdraw full support until I was sure he didn't need at least a little help in getting started (most do) as DLM pointed out with apartment or utility deposits, furnishings, and things like that. Health insurance can be a big one too these days.

Maybe he won't be living in the manner to which he's accustomed, but to a lot of young people, that isn't a bad thing. Maybe he's a little afraid of disappointing his parents that he's not going to do what is expected, a la his older siblings, and hasn't figured out a way to tell you that yet. Perhaps he wants to travel solo for a while before figuring it out. He sounds like a great person and fun to be around, so I'm betting he will be a joy to have around in whatever job he lands in.

My 23 yo son is a bit similar to Pal's young friend, but add in: college dropout, mental illness but almost genius IQ (a terrible combination IMO), living at home, unemployed, and total disregard for the people who support him. I'd be thrilled if he were like your son. As long as he's still in school and doing what he's supposed to do (meaning, not flunking out), I really think you need to relax and let him figure out what happens next.

I had to chuckle at Pal's post. That is also what I was expecting with "no ambition." I can think of one girl who I think is 26 now, never went to college, never had a job, doespesnt have a volunteeer cause, and from what I hear, doesn't spend time with friends. Her parents rent, so I worry for her. Another girl (23) I worry about went to a community college for some classes, but quit. She works in a call center -- the retail job was too awful. Her hair is so fried from being bleached and dyed rainbow colors that it looks like it would break if you touched it, and between that and the piercings, I doubt she could even get a retail job now. She strikes me as whiny and dependent. I don't know for sure but I think she lives still lives at home. These two define no ambition in my book and they would scare me.

Your son is nowhere near that category. Perhaps he hasn't found a passion and had his fire lit. Perhaps money and trappings will never be his passion. My youngest plans to teach. Working with kids and music are his passions and he knows he will never be wealthy doing that -- but he can be fulfilled. His came when all but one of his classes were centered on what he loved rather that an elective surrounded by AP and other classes he saw as burdens he had to get past.

Maybe your son's passion will wind up being in service to others, charity or a cause. It's not a failure to be secure and confident enough to not need trappings for yourself so much as to want to help others. We need more of those people IMO. And if he's bright and capable, the better for everyone when he finds his "thing".

You say you want him to define his own goals and paths. Just make sure you aren't expressing or implying so many expectations, or even so much approval or your more ambitious children, that he doesn't feel that door is really open. Maybe he just feels a need to be different that his siblings (birth order plays a part in setting paths too). And if he doesn't really know what it is that turns his crank yet, help him find it. Ask what he enjoys, what interests him and help him exlore. Don't be critical of what you see as a lack of direction or ambition. Don't impose your expectations -- ask where his are or help him find them. Look in other directions, have him take some interest/personality tests. Be there for him when he figures it out or if he needs some help.

Just a quick note- my kids and their friends are in their mid to late twenties. Some kids know from early on what their paths are, they set out on them and complete them. One of my nieces knew from the time she was 8 she wanted to be a paramedic, it's a path from which she never deviated and at 28 loves her job. Another niece knew from 10 she wanted to be a lawyer and same thing, never deviated `and at 31 loves her job.

Other kids take a longer and windier path. DS2 knew from grade 9 he wanted to get a Bachelor of Tourism Management but its a portfolio-based acceptance program. He did all the volunteer work, the jobs and the sports, got the degree and loves the job. DS1 on the other hand took a slower and windier route to get where he wound up. They have other friends who worked and couldn't decide what to do and are now going back to school to get degrees and diplomas. For some kids it does take longer like my nephew who at 27 has been working at a dead-end job for years and finally chose an apprenticeship program last year and really likes his future in this field.

My philosophy is that by the time they are 30 they will have settled into something. They might, if it took them some time to choose their path, be a little bit behind their peers financially or status-wise in the corporate world but from my experiences, they all get there.

I'm not sure that it's a lack of a competitive edge but rather, at this point in his life, a lack of having found something to care enough about to go after it. You seem to have a good kid and I would relish in that for now, I think that the rest will come with a little more maturity.`

I can relate. My oldest is 17 and he has what I call a tremendous capacity for contentment. Right now, all he really wants from life is to join the military. The kid has brains. He has a job doing landscape work at our church and he shows up and does the job well. My hope was that doing the hard labor in the hot sun would help him to see the need for something more. That has not happened yet. I am diligently working on educating him about the things he needs to know about wise choices, etc. and I hope some of it sticks but so far, he has not found that "one" thing to help him focus. Drives me absolutely bonkers. He is a great human being, he has compassion, respect for others, etc, and those are wonderful qualities but they do not pay the bills.

I think my son gets part of this personality "quirk" from his father. My DH is not a dummy, can be highly competitive in games, but not as much in the work force. He does his job, does it well even, but does not have aspiration for "more." He will only apply for jobs in a higher pay band if he is really, truly interested and will not apply if he feels that he is abandoning his current work at an inopportune time. He drives me bonkers as well. He works in government where he feels committed to his cause and it is honestly the perfect place for him because he would likely get passed by in the private sector as he works hard but does not advocate on his own behalf well.

I missed the theater post somehow but saw the comments about it and went back looking for it. It's possible everything is as simple as you say -- he gave up on his dream and the one thing he loved because while still in college he only had bit parts and maybe he heard discouraging stories. Or maybe he realized he could have a long road in front of him with assurances he could pay all his blls for even a basic apartment - maybe even have it tough with waiting tables and a roommate, and mom and dad are talking no support. Maybe he didn't feel he had a real choice or that if he continued on that path he couldn't meet your expectations in life and would be a disappointment so he'd rather not try. If that's the case, he likely is dealing with at least a degree of feeling lost, overwhelmed, depressed, anxious -- and maybe the new path that would require a grad degree is a way to buy time -- or test your pulling the plug. Maybe he genuinely doesn't know what to do or where to look next. That's not a time to be critical -- it's a time to be supportive and try to help him soul search to decide whether he really wants to give up on the dream, need to retool or redirect that dream and what comes next in either case.

I'm going to throw something else out there. Both of my sons have had friends who were also involved in music and/or theater who have had personal struggles with gender orientation. One came out and when I saw him a couple of months ago, he was glowing -- happier and healthier than I'd ever seen him. There are others, not all as seemingly happy and easy, but I thnk you get my point? Is it possible your son is struggling with personal issues -- either being gay and not able to come out or living in a world or artists where so many others are and having issues with that? None of my business and I don't care what the answer is either way -- don't expect to hear an answer, but I have to ask because the ones who do struggle are the ones at greatest risk of falling into drugs, alcohol or even suicide. I've never met your son, but I care too much not to risk offending or emabarrassing you, him or myself by asking what might seem ridiculous or out of place. I apologize now if it does offend, embarrass or seem ridiculous, but I'd rather be absurd than be here a year or 5 or 10 from now and read that you lost a son.

Whatever it is, I think something is eating at your son and I hope you find out what it is and can help him deal with it. Would you accept the change of plans as easily if he'd been planning on going to medical school or law school? Is it possible he told you what he knew you would accept so you woudn't press further? Giving up on a dream is a big deal and deserves to have some questions asked -- especially when he isn't really on another track or switching to something he also liked all along. Whether it is giving up on a dream aand making a new career choice or dealing with other issues, the resolution is likely to take time, patience and a lot of love and support to help him through it. Be patient. Be persistent -- without nagging. LOL Challenges of parenthood, huh? Hang in there.

There is certainly something about this thread that pulls on our heartstrings. Psychiatric help was suggested, but I would suggest finding a therapist first for talk therapy. A good therapist will recommend a psychiatrist if that is what is needed.

A life coach might be a good idea as well. A neutral party where your son can bounce around goals and ideas.

When my daughter talked about grad school we told her that we were all for it, but, she would have to work for a few years first. Grad school can't just be another way to bide your time.

I agree with Blfenton, and mentioned the same thing earlier. Kids are maturing at a slower rate. Why this is, can be a whole other thread!

I should have remembered that - ellendi suggested a life coach and a friend of ours did that for their son and it was a huge help. We have suggested one for our younger son for other reasons (relationship expectations) and he still may take us up `on it.

When K posted this question I cringed because often the child rearing threads start out helpful and then devolve into nit picking comments about other posts. I am really glad this thread has focused on being helpful to K. And it has helped me as well with my problem child worries.

Yes, Dee, I was hesitant for the same reasons....I am very grateful for the sound and honest opinions and the thoughtful consideration for a boy none of you knows :-)

To answer a few......we were terribly concerned when he gave up on acting, as it is the one area in which he seemed really at home. W've been completely supportive of his desire for a career in the arts (DH a bit slower to accept initially, I admit) and I was actually horrified when he gave it up because he is a very talented young man and he not only gave it up, he is not even interested now in theater as extracurricular recreation. He did see a counselor (psychologist) for about a year because it was almost like coping with a death. If that sounds too strong, that's about how it felt for everyone else in our family, too. We had all attended and enjoyed his performances so much, it was hard to believe he gave it up. And then did not replace it with something he liked as well or better, or in fact, anything.

We would not pay for graduate school right out of undergraduate, as we both believe he needs some work experience and a break from school. If he gets a job and has initial difficulty making ends meet we would continue to pay for his cell phone and possibly car insirance, for example. We will be negotiating the particulars as May 2016 draws closer and he hopefully is interviewing.

We are pretty sure he is heterosexual but I can state without the slightest hesitation that if he wasn't, it would not make the tiniest bit of difference. His best friend from childhood is gay and he lived with us a summer or two in high school when things were rough going in his own home, so we are pretty sensitive in that regard.

Thank you all for the stories of late bloomers and non-bloomers, which are helping me realize it could be a lot worse! I like the idea of a "life coach" because it sounds---and is, of course---the opposite of "worried mother."

As far as birth order, he is our youngest, boy, girl, boy.....DD has defied the middle child syndrome with a vengeance. One of my friends once remarked that she would hate to be DD's sibling. I never thought of it that way but she can be intimidating. She is worried about her little brother as well....she saved his life when she was seven years old and he was not yet three and has been part mother to him ever since. DS1 is a good brother but very wrapped up in his own life at this point, as is DD.

It's just a very big world and I don't want him to get lost.

kswl2 - (((hugs))) from another constantly worrying mother.

I don't have much to add in the way of advice but I've read through the comments with interest and think you've gotten some good feedback. You seem to be a very loving and supportive parent who is naturally concerned about her young adult son and his future.

I can relate as my youngest son at 22 years is also a great kid but lacks ambition and I worry about his future. He's working part time and still slowly working towards his 2 year degree after taking some time off here and there but he's seeming to have a hard time finding his niche. His only stated career goals so far seem a bit out of reach given his lack of drive and he doesn't seem willing to settle for a "regular" job, but I try to stay supportive and am hoping he finds his way.

You know, it's hard when you give up something you've loved all your
life-- the thing you always thought you'd be. You lose your identify and so it IS like grieving. I left science after almost two years in a
PhD program. The specific reasons aren't important to this discussion--
but the very short version is that I was completely disillusioned. The
decision to leave my field of study -- my passion--the person I always thought I'd be-- the person EVERYONE ELSE thought I'd be left me at 22 with no plans for the future. I wanted nothing to do with scientific research of any kind-- so there was no looking at any other area of science. Plus, I'd left a scholarship from (what was at the time) a highly competitive, leading edge program. Both my undergraduate mentor and my graduate sponsor were disgusted with me. I took a class towards getting a teaching certificate and it was.. well, too big of a switch from my graduate level courses. Too easy. Too unfocused. It didnt spark me to continue. I ended up working as a conservation area caretaker, an associate in a cheese shop, then as an assistant manager at an ice cream store. My car broke down. I broke up with my boyfriend. I am sure my parents were worried. I was worried.

It wasn't that I wasn't ambitious.. i just didnt have a goal and all of my motivations were driven by more immediate needs to pay my bills and remain independent. I had no spark .. and I am sure I did "phone it in" through that period.

Eventually, I did find a place for myself... and I am sure your son will too. It took about 2 years to get onto what I'd call a career path (which had its own winding turns-- but still, it was a career path) I did have sparks along the way and I did advance but I never had the love and passion that I had for science.

I do think a business coach-- or more importantly, a mentor is a great idea. I also think there's some value in delving into WHY he chose to leave theater/acting. There were two events that sparked my departure from science and had I had an advisor or mentor who had pushed to reveal what was going on, I think I very well could have redirected my education and career to an area of science that was better suited to me.

NY is a tough place and acting is a tough career. It isn't all glamour and audience applause. Who knows what experience or awakening your son experienced to turn his back on his life's passion. Whatever it was, was life changing. I think if you (and he) better understands it, you can work together to get him on a new path.

All my best to you and your son!

My ex has a cousin who is still living with her parents in her early 40s. She is frequently depressed, and often seems miserable living at home, but her relatively low-paying jobs won't support her in the manner to which she has been accustomed, as she doesn't have to pay rent or groceries. Her parents, mom in particular, enable all this.

My brother never finished college. He's worked a series of low paying jobs, and currently runs the repair shop at an REI store. I worry a bit about his retirement savings, but on the whole he has done fine. Bought a house before I did (I live in the San Francisco Bay Area; he lives in Spokane, WA; his entire house cost what I planned to save for my down payment). Has a lovely wife and a stable marriage. Did get serious about saving for retirement a few years ago. He's doing fine. Despite lack of ambition, he didn't suffer from "failure to launch," unlike my ex's cousin.

My parental mission statement (my daughter is only 11), is to raise a kid who is both ready and wants to leave the nest when reaching adulthood. We'll see how that goes, but she is pretty independent (though perhaps not ambitious) at this point.

I understand your concern about your son. He doesn't sound like he is passionate about much, and the one thing you thought he was passionate about (acting) didn't pan out. So now he's at loose ends, direction-wise, and I suspect that you are frustrated by the lack of urgency he is feeling in coming up with some kind of plan. Because, you, planner that you are, can't imagine approaching life without some kind of road map.

It sounds to me like he will be fine. He'll never be a CEO, but there are lots of careers where being congenial is an asset.

Hi, kswl, if your son was a student in our program and was going through similar situation, I have a few suggestions.

I don't know the size of his former program, but is there a favorite faculty member he could talk to about his career path? I'm assuming he did this before he changed majors, but maybe not? Or even his academic advisor in the new program.

If we have a student who is not doing well on internship, we would communicate with the site supervisor and do a site visit--which we normally do, and bring the student in for a meeting if need be. Don't know if this was done. You might know more about this or maybe not due to FERPA laws. But sometimes that meeting helps us uncover some other things going on the student's life that affects his/her academic performance so we can provide support and resources/referral. Edited to add one thing we do see on internship, even with good/bright kids, is lack of initiative. They are so used to be told what to do, they don't ask what they can do or take initiative. Now we work with them before internship to help remedy this.

As a senior, he probably feels a little "lost" in his current major since so many of the other students have taken classes together. Since it looks like he will graduate in the spring, encourage him to stick it out and finish his degree in his current major. Bottom line, an employable person is someone who can write well, work with others, follow directions, work with customers, and perform public speaking (where he is probably excellent), regardless of his major. He may decide to return to the theatre field on his own. One of our recent commencement speakers (a distinguished professor in arts) said that after graduation she worked as an ice cream scooper and her friends were waitresses, etc.. Ten years later she had a PhD and her friends all had good careers as well.

It is not common that someone changes majors as a senior, but it does happen, and I've helped a few students through it. Hope I was of some help here.

"He doesn't sound like he is passionate about much, and the one thing you thought he was passionate about (acting) didn't pan out. So now he's at loose ends, direction-wise, and I suspect that you are frustrated by the lack of urgency he is feeling in coming up with some kind of plan. Because, you, planner that you are, can't imagine approaching life without some kind of road map." This is it, in a nutshell.

Gsciencechick, your description of an employable person, which agrees with others' expressed above, is heartening. I suppose at this point that's what we will hope for......employable.

My children are younger, but one of them (so far!) is a classic underachiever. High test scores but many issues with "executive functions." My husband and I used to monitor her homework/grades with much fervor once she got into middle school. However-- then I happened upon this article (link below) and it changed me completely. I no longer ask about her grades or homework. Instead, SHE now earns her own grades, for better or for worse. I told her to use me as she would a library-- as a resource to help her get organized, for example, if she likes. (Though libraries keep hours, not 24/7-- advance notice is needed!). It has helped her take responsibility in a different way and she has really matured in many ways.
Underachievement from the Inside Out

So-- it sounds like you have set boundaries, your son has been given many opportunities, and he knows what is available. You have done your job! If your son needs you as a sounding board on his terms, you are there.

There are no guarantees! But, in this way, you preserve what is most important: your relationship with your delightful son. You show him that you love and support him (emotionally) without condition. This is the best gift a parent can offer. Your family sounds so loving and supportive, that it seems like it is just a matter of continuing in the same direction!

Anele, I read that article and it sounds like a rationalization for a kid not to do his or her work. :-( I recognize some of the behaviors but do disagree with his conclusions, such as they are, and no light whatsoever has been shed on the reasons for the behavior.

I think the point is that you can't force anyone to do anything. If you give children messages that they are failing, some will try to prove you wrong, but most will give up and accept their labels and perceived limitations. It becomes the classic helicopter parenting, too, where children become so dependent on their parents for "motivation." By letting go, I have seen a dramatic change in my daughter. She understands her personal responsibility-- when she fails, she fails because of her choices. And when she succeeds, she can credit herself. We can truly celebrate her accomplishments because they are HERS. She has learned so much about herself. My husband was also a classic underachiever and because this was the message he was told again and again, he accepted it. People nagging him only created strong resentment, and he looked only outward instead of considering his own intrinsic motivation. As he matured (moved away!) he changed. Now he was his own person, where again, success or failure was his own. Giving our children the gift of personal responsibility is one that will carry them far. By not letting go, we take this away. (And, just to clarify-- I do believe all efforts should be made to ensure there are no psychological or neurological issues, learning blocks, etc.)

Anele, you are one smart cookie - and a great mom, I am sure! Kudos to you!!

With regards to labels - I remember when my eldest was starting kindergarten and in the initial parent`/`teacher meeting the teacher asked me to describe my child. I said no that I wouldn't. That I would be describing my child in mom terms and I'm not pre-labeling my child for you. It's up to you to have a separate and unique relationship with my child.

A child that is already labeled can do so much harm for that child even if the labels are positive. Positive labels can sometimes become difficult to live up to.

I did notice that for my second child I wasn't asked that question. I don't know if it was no longer being asked or if they knew not to bother asking me..

If a child is failing i think it is unfortunate when the parents dont try to help or find out what is blocking the child from success. It is the parents responsibility to help kids along the way, not pretend nothing is wrong or not mention it for fear of hurting the child's self image. Failing is also ego damaging-----and can have a profound effect on future academics and opportunities.

Anele, I am not suggesting this is your interaction with your daughter, i am just saying generally that i dont subscribe to that author's ideas. Every kid is different, obviously, and i agree that nagging never achieves much, not only with kids but with dogs, workmen or husbands :-).

I understand your point, Kswl, but it's not been a matter of telling her she is doing fantastically when she isn't. It isn't the mentality of, you get a trophy just for showing up. It has been more along the lines of-- school is between you and your teachers. Your job. And, I am pleased to say she just received news that she was placed into advanced math, science, and LA courses. The best part is that SHE read the requirements in the notices to see what it takes to remain in them, because she knows it's solely up to her. I agree that it's important to see what inhibits a person, but motivation is a tricky beast. The sooner a child takes the reins, the better.

Tina, that is so kind of you to say. I am just fumbling along most of the time, but this attitude/hands-off approach has changed my relationship with my daughter for the better. Even my husband adopted it. Now we have much more interesting discussions with her and when we do find opportunities with her, she is far more open to hearing from us.

anele, the good thing is that you found what worked for you and your daughter. And it can be different with each child - my 2 boys are very similar in some ways and so, so different in others. It makes parenting very challenging at times, because what worked with one can backfire with the other.

kswl2, I've been running around with my two boys the last 2-1/2 days and and now trying to get ready for a guest arriving. I wanted to say that Funkyart is dead on about life changes involving a grieving process - and it can be greater if he feels like the change wasn't entirely his choice or fair, but even if his choice, the change can be far from pain free. I went through one of those and that time and the period where both of my parents were failing and passed within a few months of each other while my son was chosing a college, auditioning, etc and I wasn't really available to him like I wanted to be are the two toughest periods in my life. So it can definitely be up there on the scale of challenges.

You can't set a schedule for grieving, but if it has already been a year or more, my alarms would be going off too. Something doesn't feel right, and you are justly concerned. Sounds like you've done all the right things along the way and that he has every reason to feel secure that he would have your support. But something got to him and it sounds like it is still eating at him.

This reminds me a bit of a thing my nephew pulled last year -- said it was for his education, which is what his parents would want to hear. Everyone else knew it was about a girl -- the last thing his parents would want to hear. But we could guess all night long and still get it wrong.

Can you talk to him about your concern? A year or more later, it's not exactly nagging to sit down over coffee, pizza and beer, his favorite dinner or dessert -- whatver will put him at ease, and tell him that you are wondering if he still feels giving up acting was the right decision. Ask him if he feels stuck and like he's having trouble moving on -- maybe thinking about giving acting a second try or wanting some help figuring out which direction he wants to turn. If he has trouble opening up or denies any problems, just let him know that you are concerned and that no matter what he might be concerned about, nothing would upset you more than if he felt he couldn't talk to you about it -- that you will always be there for him and will always love him and want to help him if he needs it. The obvious stuff he just might need to hear. Maybe one more time.

I think your mom radar is going off for a reason, and you know your son better than anyone. I hope you can help him get past whatever the rocks are in his path.

Lascatx, yes, it works for her, and we only proceeded in this fashion after we were certain her issues weren't stemming from depression, low-self esteem, etc. It is a complex issue and one must know their child.

No children here, but a few thoughts occurred to me. My brother was so bright and skilled with his hands that his career path had been laid out for him. Me, I was a good student at everything...not great at anything...so nothing obvious was laid out for me. I was also very frustrated at choosing a career as, how were you supposed to choose something you had no exposure to? As we grow up, we might get a sense of what doctors do, teachers, maybe some exposure to clergy or coaches, or service workers like hairdressers and retail owners. But I had no idea what an "economist" did or a "CPA" or any other profession or career. (I remember a thing from Reader's Digest many years ago about a Dr. teaching surgical students and asking them why they were studying surgery. Some said they wanted the money, some said they wanted to help heal people. He said, the only reason to study surgery is that you like to cut people open and put your hands inside them as that's what you'll be doing all day long.)

I remember taking quizzes in high school and I came out with a very weird result as, all along the way, I kept questioning, do I want to spend 8 hrs a day playing piano? No. I like playing, but not all day long. None of it was helpful for me.

My FIL gave me the best career advice ever...whatever it is you are doing, do the best you can at it and doors will open as someone is always watching. That worked for me as I never had to go looking for work, but work came looking for me...people contacted me asking me to interview for positions, not the other way around.

I also since learned that one need not be burdened with a lifetime choice, but rather the goal is to create a portfolio of talents and experiences which will lead one down surprising and unexpected paths where one can find fulfillment and joy. So as long as he is adding arrows to his quiver, he is succeeding.

With technology changing everything, 2 talents will always be in demand...one is creativity as that is probably the one thing that will never be able to be programmed into machines; the second is communication as regardless of the technology, people will need to persuade and communicate with each other to share ideas, and knowledge and information. Sounds like he's already got that last one knocked.

Finally, I'll end with the Dalai Lama quote which really helps put one's career choices and life goals in perspective.

When asked what surprised him about humanity the most, the Dalai Lama replied:

“Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.”

Thank you all, once again, for your replies. I have been given a lot to think about, including some reassurances and some further questions. We have had a few conversations and some of the suggestions made here have been good jumping off points.

This is a young man with a sincere concern for others that was evident from a very early age.....when he was five, he told me at Halloween he was going to trick or treat for poor people to get food for them. We have had some recent discussions about a service year or years following college and he said he is looking into applying for the Peace Corps, although he realizes it's a long shot for him because of his lackluster grades. I think something like that might be a good place for him and am very glad he is thinking along those lines.

In other news, he somehow managed to get a part time job for the rest of the summer in the deli department of a local chain grocery store and has set up Skype Spanish tutoring twice a week, so that's all to the good. This is his first actual job, ever---- his summers have been spent traveling or in summer theater or school or internships since sophomore year in high school, and I think it will be a great experience for him.

Kswl, a job in a deli sounds like just the ticket. Interacting with people should make the time fly. My daughter's first job (at 16) was a supermarket bagger. It turned from from surly princess into a helpful person who busted her ass.

Kswl, has he looked into AmeriCorp? There are also teaching English as a second language programs as well.

Kswl.....two things.

I am not disparaging your son's acting talents in any way, but it may be possible when he was in NY he not only realized how cutthroat/competitive the business could be but also that there might be people with more talent than him.

I realized this in high school. I had always been involved with dance, choirs and at 10 was in a semi prof musical production. My childhood dream was to be a singer. As a junior I transferred to the public HS with a stellar choir director with a reputation for putting on annual musical theatre productions considered way more professional than your typical high school fare. I was cast both years, but it didn't take long for me to see that just in my high school alone there were plenty of kids with way more talent than me. Better singers, actors, kids who could play several musical instruments, etc.. I realized I was average at best. That dream ended but I went on to college and majored in an area I enjoyed and was better at.

My youngest son is like yours.....sensitive and caring. When he was in college he looked into the Peace Corp and talked to people who had done it and learned that there is almost no training or mentoring and that once you are sent to Timbuktu you are on your own to figure things out. I recently met the niece of a friend who was in the PC a few years ago and she confirmed exactly that, although she did enjoy the experience.

Am happy your son found a summer job and it's probably good that it's totally unrelated to what he's done in the past. He'll have to be on the ball if he has to service customers at the counter. Keep us posted as to how he's doing.

You are right to be concerned about him. Unlike my older two, I had to prod my youngest a bit and stay on top of things with him. One thing I tried to do with my kids that my parents didn't do was provide direction. It was a different era and my parents left going to college or not up to us, whereas we always said to our kids "when you go to college." I applaud your efforts, I really wish my parents had guided me more...I may have been more successful.

Another route (in addition to the Peace. Corp), is Teach America or teaching English in China.

He has a friend who is teaching English in Korea and seems intrigued by that, although he said his first choice would be Spain. His cousin (about 12 years older) went to Spain to teach English five years ago and has settled there, now a photographer and is engaged to a local girl in Madrid. So that would at least be a social contact for him.

joanie....I do know what you mean about going somewhere where everyone was "the best" in their own world and realizing how talented others are. This happened to him more than once, at school, different acting workshops, at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art, in plays, etc.. He has a natural comedic flair and timing that is truly engaging. But interestingly enough the people who make a career in the field (and by that I don't mean become "stars" but who support themselves decently) are the persistent ones who just keep on going to auditions, take workshops to home their skills, keep getting more experience, etc..

Drive is very important. My DD's best friend does stand up. You begin by working for free. Some, you even have to pay a small fee to get up on stage. But, that is how she is getting her experience. She is relentless. Will she make it? I hope so, or at least to earn a working wage.

(She has a degree in the arts from Boston University with a speciality in sculpting.)

He has a natural comedic flair and timing that is truly engaging.

That describes my daughter. Stole the show as the Cowardly Lion in 5th grade. Wanted to be an actor. Then she hit high school and realized she was not really cut from that cloth and the competition was fierce.

However, her gifts of comedic flair and timing did not go away. They are part of who she is. She found her way into broadcasting, from local to cable TV, now exclusively online. She does tech news, but she's funny and at ease even when reading the teleprompter.

Maybe this is where a life coach could be of value. We all have gifts that fulfill and complete us. There's something out there for him.

Hi,

I've been following this right along. Your son may have switched his major to something that 1) didn't seem like it would bore him to tears and 2) get him to graduate on time. And that is a very practical approach to his conundrum if that's how he decided.

And, based on the info you continued to share, in response to the comments here, it seems like you two are doing fine. He is not giving up his acting / theater skills & experience - they will meld into his new interests and probably in a very good way --- diversity is a good thing. (And, knowing about deli meats can lead to great success in the food related aspects of entertaining and family gatherings. What a great preparation for traveling overseas. And he got that himself. So maybe you just have a few years of worry until you see him off successfully supporting himself.