Oh Linelle, let me think. I can pretty much roll with the flow. Now terilynn's post brings up a completely different point (for me anyway). I'm talking about a monthly lunch with several ladies where we are visiting and gabbing a bit before ordering anyway. An event in someone's house is a different matter. People invading my space sometimes gets to me. Rudeness gets me. Someone being outright mean to another person, those kinds of things. That is what I was getting at, as you mentioned, we all have things that "get to us". I think through the years I have mellowed and my list is alot shorter. Many of the things that bother me - or used to - I can't do anything about, so I mostly choose to ignore it. I try to look at the big picture and choose my battles! LOL Ok - have a great day - gorgeous here and I'm going back out!

ETA - just read Mt's reply - right on! My thoughts exactly.

But she is also inconveniencing the people who work at the restaurant. If your group sits around for 15 minutes or more before ordering, it ultimately means the restaurant may have to lose one table, which means the waiter gets one less tip, etc. It really has a domino effect. I say wait five minutes, then go ahead and order. Order your drinks when you sit down and if she is then behind you or misses out, so be it. I really struggle with being prompt but I have learned to overcome it. Sometimes it means I can't change my jewelry, or run back in the house for something. I just give priority to getting there on time.

If you're getting together for fun, and you agree to meet at a certain time, get together, meet, have fun and order. And whenever your friend shows up, that's the way it goes. I wouldn't give it a second thought, I would absolutely not wait for her, just do whatever you would like to do for those of you who show up on time. But I wouldn't waste time or energy getting mad about it either. Life is too short. I do public programs for a living, and I always start on time. Sometimes if there are more than a few people late that I know are coming, I might wait five minutes, but that is tops. Then I ALWAYS start, never wait any longer. Even if six people are late and there is only one person there. That person managed to show up on time so onward! I learned that when you wait, people come to expect it, which is what may have happened with your friend. Start on time, and then roll with the punches.

I've also got kitchenwitch's problem - my in-laws show up early for everything. I've often been caught half-dressed by them ringing the doorbell 15-30 minutes early. I'm sure if I showed up at their house that early they would have everything prepared and just be sitting around waiting for people to arrive. One time we all agreed to meet at my sister-in-laws to put together a crib. I was to bring the tools. I arrived right on time to find every one grousing about my absence because they had all been there 15 minutes early. I remember being mortified at the time, now I would just point out that if they wanted me there 15 minutes early, they should tell me that.

My mom on the other hand is always late, but she is extremely active in the community always doing stuff for others, does all her own home repairs, etc. As someone stated above, she's not late because she can't choose the right coat, she's late because when she realized she had an extra 15 minutes, she started to hem a dress for the neighbour (a 30 minute task). It does drive me crazy that she's always late, but it's become such a joke that it rarely gets anyone upset anymore. One day she called me to say she'd be at my place in an hour and didn't arrive until 2 days later.

I do have a friend who is also habitually late and I am not so forgiving. I've realized over the years that when she is late it is often because she has run into someone else or gone to do an errand, essentially making the choice to keep me waiting while putting something or someone else ahead of her commitment to me. I used to wait for her, but not anymore. If she's not there within 15 min of our meeting time, I leave. She's starting to get the point.

making the choice to keep me waiting while putting something or someone else ahead of her commitment to me

This.

I know another habitually late couple. It plays out like this: he's ready first and sees she's not ready so he starts some task. She's now ready but sees he's doing whatever task and figures she now has time to do her task. And on and on it goes. I think it's a power play, neither wants to be the one waiting so they keep busy and blame the other for their lateness. Work out your power drama on your own ttime, don't keep me waiting.

Everyone is occasionally late beyond their control, that's fine, I get that. It's the habitually late people that I don't want to accommodate. There are people, like the above couple, that I won't meet for time sensitive things - movies, theater, shows.

I've been following this thread with interest. I'm a plan ahead, never late, always on time person. Too much anxiety not to be. I worked for a surgeon who was epoch in his lateness for office hours. Put his patients and staff last on his list of priorities. Arrogant to the nth degree.

In my family, I have a cousin/sister (my mother adopted her sister's daughter) who is totally incapable and nortorious for not showing up on time. Doesn't matter if we collude and tell her she needs to be somewhere an hour before everyone else. She's still late.

I was just home with my family at Easter and this cousin sits next to me at dinner and says she's really bothered that I don't ask her to give me a ride to the airport. LOL. This woman won't show up on time for her own funeral.

I don't abide the habitually tardy.

So frustrating! Esp when it's always the same person all the time! My friends and I seem to have periods of lateness...young kids, busy lives, but we're all understanding because it's infrequent and we're all in the same place. But never more than 10-15 mins, and we book days where we can shop after :) as the kids are now in school.

Oh daisy, I just read your post. This is my inlaws to a tee! Always early, I'm in my housecoat! I showed up to help my sil move...the house was 1/2 empty! I was on time!

I think it very, very rude to be early to an invite to someone's home. I find it passive aggressive and a power play to be the one in control.

But I also find it rude to be habitually late when meeting others outside the home. Once in a while is understandable. That's life. But if you can meet the boarding time for a plane or for a doctor's appt, then your family and friends deserve the same level of importance.

>I think it very, very rude to be early to an invite to someone's home. I find it passive aggressive and a power play to be the one in control.

Really? Mostly I think people just got lucky with traffic. When I see folks lurking in their cars waiting for it to be time to come in, I always go out and invite them in, even if I'm not ready yet.

Writersblock, if I lived 30 minutes from you, and traffic worked in my favor and I arrived early, I would never sit in your driveway with my car idling, putting you in the uncomfortable position of inviting me in before the invitation time. I would drive around your neighborhood, enjoying the spring flowers or go fill up my car with gas to kill time until the time at which you had invited me.

Regardless of how far I live from you, I would never, ever show up early and expect you to entertain me earlier than which I was invited.

If I'm invited to your home, you determine the time at which I'm welcome and you can accommodate me as your guest. Not me.

Yes, I do see that under most circumstances that would be considerate. On the other hand I live on a long skinny island with only one road and wildly erratic traffic, so I totally understand it when I see people sitting in their cars out in the parking lot reading books or their phones.

If you invited me to your home on a long skinny island, I may just very well consider arriving early!

It is a pretty nice place, at least when we aren't having a hurricane. :-)

It actually bothers me more when people show up early to my house for something than late. Honestly I'd rather you be on time or even a few min. late; no sooner than 10 min. ahead of time. Like Lisa I'd find something to do even if it meant drive around the block. Now if we're talking about meeting at a restaurant or whatever and you want to show up really early, have a ball

I think (IMHO) that people that are always late have some sort of a mental disability regarding their concept of time. If someone says to meet at 1:00 they just don't get it and may instead leave home at 1:00. They cannot think ahead that "it takes me 15 minutes to get to where I am going so I need to leave the house at 12:45 to get there at 1:00". For most of us that is just a simple task, but for some it's not.

I am like Linelle in that I know I am a stickler for being early, rather than right on the dot. My only exception is that I arrive 10 minutes or so late for a party.

Whenever it's my turn to drive, my friends know I will be early. "You know E, she is always early!" But, I also tell them to take their time. If I happen to arrive at their front door 10 minutes too soon, it's fine for me to wait in the car and they can take the time they need. And, they know this.

I have one friend who is also running behind schedule. Even when I say, "It's your call, I'm flexible, what time is good for you?" A few months ago, a few us us went away for a girl's weekend. My DH drove, and we like to get to the airport early, but it was my friends DH who had to pick us up on the way home. Evidentially he is worse than she is. She spent the weekend telling him that he needed to be on time and not have us waiting at the airport for him. She said it's not unusual for the two of them to be racing through the airport to catch a flight. Sorry, I can't live this way.

I get together with a bunch of retirees from where I used to work. You know we all worked for the same company because we all always show up on time! How you were allowed to arrive for a meeting was a function of the org chart. The bigger the wig, the later you could be, the smaller the wig, the earlier you had to be.

She's a passive agressive biotch! Hell if I'd wait to order.

I have to be on time. It is my responsibility to be timely, but I'm not bothered much by people who are late, it's their problem not mine. My first DH was Greek and we always joked about "Greek time". In the Greek community an invitation reading 7pm means from 7:30 until whenever.

I have often driven to a local location that I've never been before the day before the event so I have a better sense of how long it may take to get there. Now with things like map quest and Google you are given an approximate drive time. DH and I are usually a touch early or right on time.

Every couple of months it's my turn to host my book group. Start time is 6:30, with the first half-hour for socializing. I'm ready for them by 5:00 because I don't wait to clean or get dressed at the last minute. In fact, when it's at my house, I tell everyone they're welcome to arrive any time after 6, and some do. We get a head start on the wine before the others get there.

I don't mind when friends arrive a little early as long as they don't mind chopping some veggies! Our book club has an arrive 630-700 and book chat starts at 700...seems like a functional rule for us. We all work 9-5 so you might get a big surprise if you arrived at 6, like a hostess in the shower.

We tend to arrive early to Indian and Lebanese functions...and by early I mean 20 mins after the start time. The first part of the reception is usually just a gaggle of WASPs hanging around the open bar...so not a bad deal!

Count me in as one who isn't bothered by others arriving late to a social event. Lives are busy, and not all lives center on a clock. When serving a sit down meal, my family usually says "arrive anytime after N:00... dinner at N+1:00. I try be always be on time but sometimes traffic or stops on the way push my cushion. Everyone takes it in stride. Yesterday, a friend planned a little party for me to follow my day at the spa. I didn't know exactly when I'd be done... so I told her "not before 3pm.. and not likely after 4pm". A couple I was meeting for dinner a few months ago was running very late-- hubby stuck in the office. In the end they were an hour late but my friend texted me to let me know. I ran a few errands and waited in the parking lot. That would likely annoy many of you-- but I enjoyed the meal and all was good. Had I been with a group, I'd have ordered a drink and used the time to catch up-- if someone had a tight schedule, I'd have gone ahead and ordered .. and likely have texted the late person to let them know. No big deal.

Professionally, I feel much the same although I do proceed with meetings at the allotted times-- I'll wait 2 minutes but not longer. I do not get bent out of shape in that setting either. People are coming from other meetings-- or perhaps dealing with a mini crisis. Often they are coming from another building-- 6 blocks away. It happens. Personally, I am always on time for professional meetings but at least 80% of the time, I am leading the meeting so I want to set up, have my notes clear, etc. I absolutely recap if needed.. and if at all possible, I switch the agenda around if I can deal with something minor first until all arrive.

Time is just not one of those things I let get me bent out of shape.

I promise not to arrive early to anyone's party, unless I've been given explicit permission. It will be hard for me, even if I have to drive around the neighborhood or sit in my car, out of sight, of course.

A party is one thing. A hard start, as in a restaurant reservation is another entirely.

"I think (IMHO) that people that are always late have some sort of a mental disability regarding their concept of time."

Ummmm, yeahno on that one :). Because people who are always late for social events somehow manage to be on time to work, catch a plane, go to court, get to the doctor, etc. I personally have yet to meet anyone with a mental disability that yields the inability to be anywhere they need to be in life at the scheduled time and who thus are unemployable, cannot live in society at all and so on.

So perhaps this disability exist but I guess those folks suffering from it mustwander somewhere in the wilderness in a fog all their lives. Guess that's about all they can do since they aren't able to pay bills on time, get the mortgage check or online payment submitted, go to school and so on.

Funkyart, the issue isn't about being upset by someone who is late for a reason. We all understand that things happen. We are talking about the people who every single time you make plans with them are late. Imagine that you were having dinner weekly with the couple who were late, and every week they arrived an hour late. Would you still be as easy going about it?

My DH and I have stopped for coffee if we find ourselves very early. Sometimes you are not familiar with the location and so we will always give ourselves the extra time.

Robo! I think you just solved the mystery of my mom's habitual lateness. She comes from a large Lebanese family. Is this really a thing? I don't know many of her relatives due to location, but I wonder if it is a cultural thing she learned growing up.

I can't remember who this was, maybe Donna Karen, who always answered the door for her parties in a bathrobe! She would have things for the guest to do, like chopping veggies, making a salad. Then she would go back to her bedroom to finish dressing.

Daisychain, absolutely. 1-2 hours late is almost more normal than on time I think at least among my Lebanese friends. They mostly grew up in Canada or have been here since the 80s so they're more or less adapted.

here's kind of a cute article about it

http://www.anahon.com/#article/825

edit: I grew up with the same flexibility, my dad called it "(mom's maiden name) time." My relatives on that side also hate being pinned down so hey keep things open and just pop by anytime. It would be annoying if they weren't so nonjudgmental and down to earth, if they came by and you were vacuuming they'd either pick up the vacuum or make you a cup of tea and put their feet up in the kitchen.

DH and I attended his company's Holiday party one year when it was hosted at the boss's house. His wife was literally in her robe, with towel on head, when the party was supposed to start.

I think she made it back downstairs about an hour later!

I'll admit that although I kind of hate tardiness in a business setting, I do like the type of person who can be perpetually late. If we were all the punctual, dare I say rigid, very thoughtful type – – I think the word I'm looking for is conscientious – – the world would be a lot more boring. People who are a little self absorbed can be interesting and spontaneous. And I say this as a very boring mostly conscientious type.

I don't need a lot of emotional support in my day-to-day life so I like to combine salt of the earth friends with more fairweather friends. Just a lot more fun that way. Of course sometimes these people are insecure, tedious, and boring so it's just not worth it.

graywings, if I had a friend who was always an hour late (i don't.. though a there is a family member who is), I'd adjust me schedule or include others. Someone I care enough about to spend time is worth some adjustment. If it did annoy me, I'd mention it.. in a non aggressive but direct way. Life's too short to hold these little things in and let them simmer and stew.

I agree that life's too short. We all know people who have habits that negatively affect us. I have long had the policy of putting some people onto a 'do not rely on' list. Nice people, I enjoy their company, but I never ever rely on them for anything that I consider important. Like a ride to the airport or even being on time for lunch, or picking up something at the store for me. If there's a potluck, for example, these are the people that promise the moon and manage to still show up late or unprepared or forget their contribution---- plan the potluck menu so their contribution will not affect others. If it's the parent of my kid's school friend, I don't rely on her to give my kid a ride.

We all know these people. To be constantly irritated by them is our own fault after we determine that they are unreliable. Doesn't mean that I don't value the friendship or enjoy their company. I just choose to eliminate stress in my life by not relying on these people.

I totally agree with you, Shushipup! That is exactly how I feel about those unreliable folks. At work you sometimes just pick up their slack, too.

I enjoy their company, but I never ever rely on them for anything that I consider important

This may sound harsh, but I'm not likely to ever have a very meaningful relationship with this type of person. I value reliability. A lot. I can find someone very nice, amiable, fun to be around, but unreliability eventually gets in the way. For me it's about consideration and trust.

"So perhaps this disability exist but I guess those folks suffering from it mustwander somewhere in the wilderness in a fog all their lives. Guess that's about all they can do since they aren't able to pay bills on time, get the mortgage check or online payment submitted, go to school and so on."

Runninginplace, I used to always be on time, work or social. I'd have every now and thens running late but 98% of the time I was on time. Then I started having symptoms of Huntington's Disease. My symptoms are cognitive with my Executive Function being affected. I'm on disability now but before I stopped working, I wasn't able to get to work on time. I've lost my sense of time "most of the time". Meaning it comes and goes. An example would be putting on makeup and fixing my hair. I used to know how long it took and kept the time in my mind. Now I forget I'm supposed to be keeping track of time and then all of a sudden I'm late. Even building in extra time doesn't always work. I have to think really hard to remember the month and year. Hubby gets me most places on time but if it wasn't for him, I might be on time and I might not. So yeah, there are disabilities out there that people can't see. And no, I don't walk around in a fog all of the time wandering around in the wilderness. If you hung around me for a few hours you probably wouldn't even notices anything was wrong with me. If you lived with me, you would.

Also, I do pay the bills and mortgage. It's called online banking and it is arranged to be submitted on exact days. But sadly, I don't work anymore because of this. I was in a highly skilled job but also taking a hit was my short term memory, multi-tasking skills, ability to concentrate for long periods, etc. Just wanted to make it known people with HD don't lose their intelligence even though they will eventually lose their ability to communicate.

ETA: My symptoms didn't start until I was 46 so I have a long history of being on time.

PattyX, I'm so sorry about your disease. Thank you for educating us.

Patty, what a battle you are fighting-and of course it affects everything you do! I"m sorry for what you are going through and that my comments resonated to you as criticism for your medical issues. They certainly weren't intended as such since I do believe that the vast majority of folks with tardiness issues aren't suffering from severe degenerative disease.

Justerrilyn, I'm not at all sure what your second point is---are you habitually late because you are a SAH parent? Are you unreliable to WOH women because they are taking advantage of you? My understanding was this is a conversation about people not getting places on time rather than a conflict between women who work and those who don't.

I hate being late. I think it's really rude. I don't know if this applies, but I always cook for my families parties. My mom, sisters,brothers,whenever they have a party they call me. They always tell me what time they want the food ready. All of them are very specific. "I HAS to be done by this time!" So I plan, and I get there in time to have the food ready ON TIME! Food at our family gatherings is always served buffet style,and it usually involves a huge variety,as our numbers are pretty big. It never fails. The food is all hot and ready at the appointed time, and they are engaged in something else. This past christmas, my sister just couldn't wait until later to lead the nieces and nephews in a long rendition of the 12 days of christmas. The last party I did for one sister, they were in the middle of a hayride around their property at the appointed time. This has been happening for years and I still haven't figured out how to cope with it. I should just let it go,but when the food I have prepped and cooked and arranged for hours gets cold before it gets eaten it really irks me, and usually ruins the family party for me. My mom tells me I need to learn to go with the flow, but that really doesn't help. I am beginning to develop an undesirable passive aggressive attitude. Last time I just sat and ate at the appointed time, and when they masses finally decided to grace the buffet with their presence,I said something along the lines of "I hope you like you're mac and cheese cold" or something like that. I was asked why I had everything ready when I knew they were out on a hayride.....Many a dirty look was sent out that day,all of them from me.

Okay, simple solution. Don't rely on them to eat on time. Easy lesson. It's happened before and it will happen again. They say, have the food ready at noon. You have it ready at 1 (or whenever). Again, learn the difference between what you can change and what you cannot change. To keep butting your head against the wall hurts only yourself, and you won't change their behavior.

Or alternately, you can say, oh, I'm sorry but I can't cook for that event, and see what they come up when they aren't using you.

I'd stop cooking for them. They're having the fun and you're doing the work and then they're disrespecting your efforts - something very wrong with that picture.

I'd stop cooking for them so fast their heads would spin.

Running, no not late, just addressing another side of the point already brought up but in a different light. But, if you want to be a stickler you could also address the arriving early posts and a few others if you choose to monitor.

However, if it makes you happy I'll take it off : )

Amylou, why are you the only one who does the cooking?

I am of the stop cooking for them team if there are other able bodied family members who could be doing so. Unless you are a caterer, that they are paying, then the customer is right.

MaddieLee

I enjoy cooking and frankly, am the only one who is good at it. I did refuse to cook once. My mom made one roast and about 15 rolls for 30 people. It might have been good,but the food ran out before less than half of us got food. Someone ended up ordering pizza. It feels weird going to a family event where I'm not cooking. I thought that disaster would have made some difference,but it didnt. And they don't pay me anything at all. They just buy the ingredients. I would never dream of charging family.

Amy, the fact that you brought this up for discussion means that it truly bothers you.

Can you say something like: "I really enjoy cooking for our family gatherings, but lately I am saddened that the timing seems to be off, resulting in cold food."

Amy, could you try saying that the food will be easiest for you to get on the table at a certain time that is convenient to YOU? Instead of bowing to their demands it be ready at a certain time, maybe you'd feel a little more control over it all if you tell them when you'll eat? It might not make them more prompt to the table, but might make you feel less taken advantage of.

Another idea is to not get the last minute things done until everyone is at the table. Make them wait.

Eld6161 and Oly

I have certainly mentioned it, in much less ladylike terms as you two have said it. Maybe its the way i air my complaints that lead them to call me a brat...or maybe its because im the youngest and will always be the brat in their eyes. I am starting to not care if they have to eat it cold. The last party I refused (I was working the night before and the night of) I got a slew of text messages meant to guilt me into getting off work at 5am, wait until a decent hour, drive 30 minutes to the house, cook the food, write down instructions on how to heat it for the party, then go home and take a nap before going back in at 5 pm. That didn't happen. She (sis) had to make everything herself. Then she complained about how she had to cut the menu back and how all the guests were asking about some of the stuff I normally make that she didnt.(her inlaws) I thought that was VERY rude of them,though not surprising,knowing that family. I told them I sometimes feel like I wouldn't even be welcome at family events if I didn't cook for them. I know this is not true,and I know that they know I like to do it. I just don't get why people won't eat when it's hot.

I didn't mean to hijack this thread. I was just sympathizing with the whole lateness is annoying thing. I just was offering a difference sort of scenario where lateness is irksome. If i were OP, I would tell her the meeting time is 30 minutes before it really was,or if not, just start eating and when people have to leave for other commitments, they should just go. The latecomer sounds like she's a delighful,kind,and hopelessly oblivious. If youre.not comfortable just bluntly bringing up the subject,those are the only options I can think of.