bound by a code of conduct to report such things

"Snitching" can be a moral dilemma. But based on that snippet, you did the right thing. Now everyone else has to, as well. You cannot control them, but you do control you, and what you did was the right thing.

I hope it all works out.

Thanks, Mtn. Maybe the moral dilemma is what's eating at me. I keep thinking about how imperfect and flawed I am, yet I brought to light the flaws of another. Then again, what was brought to light has to do with a rather egregious act of insubordination. I'm starting to focus on a lot of gray areas, I guess. I need to just let the system that's in place for these types of things take its course, and stop fretting.

You feel so torn because you are a perfectionist and you don't want to "not be liked". Either the person who shared with you gets called out and that could put your relationship at risk. Or the one you reported about calls you out and puts your relationship at risk. Bottom line, your relationship with someone is at risk and you may not be liked.

Because you weren't directly involved, you reported hearsay. Why didn't you encourage the person who shared with you to report it themself?

I am curious about how all this works. What concerns me is that you are not the person who was victimized but are the one reporting it and therefore passing along second hand information,or even possibly third hand as you stated your coworker is close to the situation, but not the victim?

What happens from here? Do both you and your coworker have to be in a meeting concerning the incident with the accused?

You are a moral person and tried to do what was right. I hope this gets resolved quickly.

ETA: Jmc said: Because you weren't directly involved, you reported hearsay. Why didn't you encourage the person who shared with you to report it themself?

Or encouraged that person to encourage the one actually in the situation.

Because you weren't directly involved, you reported hearsay. Why didn't you encourage the person who shared with you to report it themself?

I reported it as hearsay. As I said, I have connections that the other person doesn't have, so it was easy for me to have the conversation with someone in a position to advise as to the seriousness of the event. The person who told me was brought into the picture immediately following my initial report.

Ida, we are all flawed and imperfect but to different degrees. If someone's behavior is egregious then you did the right thing. It is easy to bury one's head in the sand and say nothing but then the behavior will continue.

as you stated your coworker is close to the situation, but not the victim?

No, I didn't mean to imply that. Let's just say that there are a number of victims, and this has been an ongoing issue that finally culminated in something pretty big yesterday. There will be some interviews at this point. I intend to keep speaking the truth, as it has been presented to me, and trust that things can be favorably resolved.

I should add that I'm not questioning the method by which I shared the information. I am well versed on appropriate channels open to me, and I availed myself of one in this situation. What I am questioning is where the sinking feeling comes from when we stop burying our head in the sand and speak up. There's something profoundly frightening about doing so.

Sorry my explanation is a bit convoluted. Without going into detail, it's a little hard to convey, but thanks for bearing with me.

I don't think we can tell you here whether you did the right thing or not. We don't know any of the details, and these matters are very nuanced.

I am the general counsel of a company, so I have tons of experience both having situations reported to me and reporting them myself. But to the extent that you have created a situation where the person who told you the story now feels terrified of the repercussions, I would say that it's a tricky situation to report something that someone else, not you, has direct knowledge of. Because apparently although you have connections higher up, you are not high enough up to guarantee this person's safety. This isn't meant to be judgmental of your actions, though, Ida. It's always a hard decision.

I think it is better to tell. The ONE time I didn't, it bears on my mind with regret when I remember it. Doesn't mean there aren't repercussions, you may have created enemy(ies), people wont tell you stuff, etc. Dilemma indeed.

So how would you feel if you had NOT reported it and the situation continued? Could you live with yourself if the bad behavior continued and someone really got hurt over it?

I know you were reporting it, and admitted it, as second-hand, or heresay, since you had no personal knowledge. But if I'm reading you correctly, this is a situation that is pretty well known among most of the employees. There are always repercussions with these things. I think you did the right, and I wish you all the best in hoping it is resolved without long-term effects.

I just spoke with someone in a position of authority, who told me that if I had not spoken up with what was told to me yesterday, and had it come out at some point in the future ("I told Ida about this when it happened in early March"), that could have been very problematic for me. I was assured that speaking up - even if it's hearsay - is always the right thing to do, so that the matter can be looked into. Ms. Authority Figure told me how nuanced these situations can be, with one person observing one bit of behavior but perhaps not getting the full story, and that's why an investigation from all angles ensues. I was cautioned that the person who gave me the information may struggle with the fact that they told me at all, at some point during the investigative process. And that's something they will have to work through. I was assured that speaking up was the right thing to do, and that it would have been remiss not to do so.

I do feel like I did what needed to be done, but it's just unsettling. All of it. I'm starting to believe that the person who told me about the situation wanted me to share it with someone in authority, but didn't want me to mention any names. That would have been impossible and a pointless waste of time.

I appreciate your words of wisdom and well wishes.

You did the right thing. A code of conduct is useless if it's not followed!

Without knowing anything more, I cannot say if it was the right thing to tell someone or turn them in. I personally would have to see something for myself and then maybe would not do anything about it. I would not trust the word of someone else. There are too many people out there that will lie at the blink of an eye.

I recently found out a really terrible (I thought) secret that someone in my family is either keeping or they are being lied to and do not even know this secret. I have chosen to keep it to myself.

I think there's a difference, though, in keeping secrets in families and divulging something in a professional environment. I see a big difference between the two, actually.

Again - not really questioning whether I did the right thing or not; just wondering how to best process it and get past the unsettled feeling at this point. I'm probably not making that very clear, and I apologize for that. My thoughts are a bit scattered.

I would think that just following the Uber/Susan Fowler Rigetti thing is enough to show anyone why you'd feel disquieted, IdaClaire.

In that situation myself at one time, I have found this quote rather comforting:

“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”

At work I would go through the official protocol for making a complaint. The person with the complaint should go to their manager or to HR. Things get so touchy at work. I have to say I would not get involved in something I did not see, hear or experience myself. Of course if someone I managed reported it to me, I would then go through official channels. I dislike being part of a "he said, she said" situation. Good that you reported it as hearsay. I hope the bad guy gets what is coming to him/her.

Initially I found the behavior so offensive that I hoped for them to get what I think they deserve, but the more I consider it, the more I hope for a redirection - whether that means special training for this person to teach them without a doubt what's right and what's wrong, or some other means by which the behavior can be permanently changed -- because I truly want everyone to function happily and healthily, and I hope that is the end result of what is currently taking place.

It has been my experience that if the behavior is egregious, special training is not effective because it takes a special kind of person to behave like that in the first place. Training mostly helps people with behavior that is not as acutely transgressive. Termination can actually be a better training method, as the shock to the system can be effective in providing the motivation for the individual to take a good hard look at their behavior and undertake the very hard work needed to change. I know this sounds harsh, but I've been involved with this type of thing for around 30 years and these have been my observations.

"Again - not really questioning whether I did the right thing or not; just wondering how to best process it and get past the unsettled feeling at this point. I'm probably not making that very clear, and I apologize for that. My thoughts are a bit scattered."

i understand exactly what you are saying. Please reread and think about my first post above. Further comments aren't expected. The description I provided is of me, but I also believe it might apply to you.

Yeah, I know that my thinking is merely wishful. I too believe it takes a "special" kind of person to behave inappropriately in a professional environment in the first place. It's like they're missing a filter, or worse.

Please reread and think about my first post above. Further comments aren't expected. The description I provided is of me, but I also believe it might apply to you.

I want to comment, because I completely understand this, and it does describe me to a tee. I do want to be liked and viewed favorably, and although I recognize mentally that there will always be those who hold an unfavorable opinion of me, grasping that concept emotionally is not easy. It's very hard for me to let go of a desire to be liked, and when I believe that I'm not liked, it's hard for me to stop wasting time pondering it and wondering how to change the situation.

Jmc101, are you an eldest child or only child? I wonder if birth order often has something to do with being driven to be a people pleaser.

I will continue to ponder what you said. I think your words are quite wise.

"You feel so torn because you are a perfectionist and you don't want to "not be liked".

I don't see "perfectionist" as part of your moral compass, IdaClaire, and few people don't care about whether or not they're liked. If what the offender did is something your employer covers in their ethics or human resources policies, those knowledgeable about the offenses are usually bound by such policies to report the offenses. I worked with a woman who resigned and during her exit interview, blew the whistle on someone who violated the company's ethic policies. The problem is that she had signed an statement as part of annual ethics training saying she knew of no violations and said violation occurred before she signed her ethics training statement. Busted! Her employment file states she is not to be re-hired. While that violation cannot be revealed to any future employer seeking references, if asked whether she would be rehired, HR is allowed to answer no.

Yes, I have really had it driven home to me how seriously these matters are taken, even if it's "only" hearsay being reported. There is absolutely an ethical obligation to pursue in order to find the truth, and "failure" to report can have serious repercussions.

I'm feeling stronger now about what has transpired. I just had to mull it over some more, speak to someone with a good bead on policy, and now I must let it go and trust the outcome. I know I may experience that twisted gut sensation again before it's all over, but it is what it is. It'll be ok.

I haven't read all of the responses and see that you are feeling a bit more comfortable about your choices (and so you should).

I believe that there is a huge difference between a snitch and someone who has a moral obligation. What you did was in no way "snitching". Snitching is an act that is not based on obligation and suggests an ulterior motive; in many ways it's also self serving. You didn't snitch, you simply did what you were obligated to do. You have no reason to feel guilty or uncomfortable; the person in question has no one to blame but him/her self.

Thanks, Lukki. My "snitch" comment was a little bit tongue-in-cheek, but maybe a bit descriptive of how I was feeling at the time too - like I should've just kept my big mouth closed. But no, it was my obligation to report, and I'm going to choose to be proud of the fact that I had the guts to do so. There have been so many circumstances in life that I've sort of danced around for fear of, well, as Jmc101 put it, not being liked. There's more at stake here than my being liked, though, and if not reported and allowed to continue unchecked, there could have been people hurt down the road. I'm going to choose to think that my stepping in may have prevented that from happening.

Think positive, right? :-)

I used to supervise my division's clerical staff. Another section's employee complained to his supervisor about one of my staff (coincidentally in a protected class). It seemed legit, esp. in light of the bad attitude my employee often displayed with others. I called my employee in and explained the situation. He got all indignant and denied everything. The complainer? Totally recanted the allegations. Suddenly I was the bad guy left holding the bag and having a meeting with my employee, a union rep, and my boss. Needless to say, it was a very unpleasant episode. But I survived and learned a hard lesson: I never ran solo with someone else's grievance that I had not personally observed. I always offered to accompany them to the powers that be to tell their story and lend moral support. Beware of triangulation.

Many places there are also state laws that require persons in certain positions to report ant suspected abuse of children or the elderly. We had that come up recently when a banker client was obligated to report suspected senior (financial) abuse and it was handled professionally and confidentially by the state agency, who cannot identify the source unless it is necessary for legal proceedings. You did the right thing.

It's perfectly normal to feel all squirrely inside after something like this. Conflict with other people is never fun, even if you're doing the right thing. It's just a little dread. Nothing permanent. :)

Human beings are hard wired to resist change, good or bad, and change alters our cocoon of known safety. Your workplace is a huge part of your life, and its "personality" is about to change. Any one of your coworkers would feel "unsettled"; you just know about the change before them.

Thank you all for your very insightful input. I am feeling SO much better about everything. There has been more discussion among powers-that-be, and things are proceeding along proper channels as they should. This could potentially have a long-desired outcome for the person who gave me the information in the first place. That is my hope.

Skipped down before reading all comments to say I've been a "snitch" @ work before, and have (discreetly) brought concerns from younger, newer employees who were afraid or discouraged from saying anything themselves. These were not petty, backbiting types of concerns either, but issues that involved violation of city policy & had the potential of jeopardizing someone's safety. Our mgmt always appreciates such reporting has always handled it discreetly & according to policy.

However, I do work for city government & our policies & procedures are set out very clearly by law, unlike a private business, which has more leeway.

I know just how you're feeling Ida. A few years ago I was involved with an enforcement case that was going to cost the person who did the work a great deal of money. (He broke the law and I had to impose civil penalties and he was also facing HUGE penalties by another governmental agency).

One of my colleagues, who had actually mentored me and i really liked him, called me one day and asked me to back off-the violator was an employee at the law firm his wife worked for (and whom her father was a partner). He asked me for confidential information and hinted at me not making the findings I was going to make. I was so torn by this-he was completely out of place. I admitted to feeling badly for the violator-but he DID break the law-and I briefly considered modifying my findings to a lesser violation. I fretted about this for a couple days and I finally wrote up a summary of what my coworked had done and gave it to our supervisor.

I felt like an absolute worm-it could have resulted in disciplinary action to my coworker-up to and including firing! But the ethical part of me knew it was wrong of him to ask me to do that on behalf of his wife's coworker. I didn't tell anyone else, just left it up to my supervisors discretion. I don't know what resulted in their investigation-he was not fired, but I don't know if there was disciplinary action or not. There was no way I could have remained anonymous if he was spoken with, and he was a little cold to me for quite some time, but at the time he was also having personal problems. We're now on good terms, but it still bothers me that I reported him.

And as for the violator-I did take pity on him and didn't nail him too hard-he was also in deep dutch with the City who after multiple court hearings (at which I had to testify as an expert witness for the City) fined him nearly half a million dollars and he had to correct issues on his property to the tune of several hundred thousand dollars.

I'm guessing if you did not say something, you'd be feeling somewhat the same way. When we find ourselves in the middle of situations like that, it's sometimes hard to know which way to go. Thinking it through, you must have chosen what you deemed as the right path. Be kind to yourself, you did what you thought was best.

It sounds like you did the right thing. I hope the situation smooths over soon.

We usually have rights at work and should avail ourselves of them.

I know I wish I had in a couple instances.