Oh, yes! Like you, I‘ve never experienced this much worrying before. Before this da*n Covid! That, plus, I’m now worrying about my sweet, wonderful DH, who’s 8 years older than me. He’s thankfully still in great shape . . . but, the worries are still now sneaking into my head in the middle of the night. The “what if‘s???”. The worry about our current politics (‘nuff said on that)! Thoughts about my own mortality, and how and why my own beautiful, wonderful parents passed. Yes, all of these are, for some reason, niggling into my brain too many nights lately.

I just keep telling myself that we all have only so much time left on this earth, so why waste it worrying and fretting??? And, that I need to focus on the positives, and to be mentally grateful for every darn thing that I DO have! So many in this world are not nearly so blessed! I keep telling myself that to be so not acknowledging that is itself very ungrateful!

The very talented singer, Tim McGraw, wrote a wonderful, beautiful, very thoughtful song some years ago. It’s called “Live Like You Were Dying“. It has touched me so incredibly much, because isn’t that what we all should be doing every day?

And so, this is how I’m trying very hard to live my life these days. Some nights all the worries still come creeping in, but I’m doing my best to Live Like I’m Dying every single darn day! Every day, every hour, every minute is a gift for me to enjoy and appreciate!

I've never heard of NTD. I tend to only feel that way if I am super tired. Are you getting enough sleep? You have a lot on your mind right now with DH's illness. Did it start after he was diagnosed?

I went through a period of what I thought of as mourning. I was fine during the day but I often cried at night. I wasn't mourning a death, I was mourning the end of a very long friendship.

You might be mourning your old life or your husband's good health or any number of the weird and disturbing changes that happen when we get old. Eventually, my nighttime crying faded. I don't remember consciously doing anything to make it better.

You've had a rough year, I suspect you are just trying to process it. Virtual hugs to you.

I've never thought of it as night time depression, but if there is something sad or worrisome rattling around in the back of my brain, night time is when it will make its way forward. And of course the last 15 months have been filled with sad and worrisome things. Our psyches are tasked with a lot and at some point have to find a way to release emotional build up. Generally when it happens to me I give in to it and then try to move on, probably more melancholy and subdued for a while. Trying to control and stuff it never leads to a good outcome for me - it seems to come out later as anger. When I'm over tired things that are sad and worrisome are amplified and if I don't have the physical energy to give in to it I'll force myself into distractive thinking and breathing but usually that only happens during the middle of the night.

You have a lot on your plate Oakley. Make sure you are taking care of yourself - eating well, getting enough sleep.

It's not that I cry, I get weepy with a tear or two, then make it stop. It began late last year, and I'm thinking isolation and loneliness has a lot to do with it.

I'm also both physically and mentally exhausted because of doing all the outside and indoor work. DS mows, he and the grands do little chores for me, and hauls limbs away. I love to prune trees, it's cathartic. Good thing I don't cut hair!

Not enough sleep for sure. I stay up late which I love to do, and still wake up around 4am, which I also love to do. I was always a morning person but now I'm enjoying the quietness of nighttime, until I'm ready to sleep.

I think a lot of it is age related too, and it takes me much longer to clean house. I used to be able to do it all in one morning! The perfectionist in me isn't happy with that.

And it's soooooooooooooooooo HUMID, it literally makes me sick but I have to tend the flowers I sowed. It never occurred to me I needed to thin, pinch, and weed with no room to get on my knees. I keep forgetting I'm not 20 anymore.

I try not to think about DH's illness, I know the odds and I refuse to go there. Today is his last day of treatment and it will be wait and see for the next couple of months. Bless his heart, his mouth has really been hurting and he thought it was sores, but it's thrush. Easily treatable.

Last night was kind of funny. I only had a salad for dinner and after I posted this topic I finished a Ben and Jerry's chocolate fudge ice cream, then slept like a log. lol

Ice cream to the rescue!

Oakley, I am so sorry! When I answered (above), it was late at night and I’d forgotten about your DH. Of course, that really must have a very significant impact on your personal emotions. It’s just that your original post hit me hard, because I have been experiencing nighttime depression on and off for the past six months myself.

You have a lot going on. Hope you get enough rest. Perhaps a cup of chamomile or warm milk rather than coffee when you can’t sleep? With a melatonin? I know that I’m more prone to anxiety and depression when I don’t get enough rest.

I too think it’s a period of adjustment to your new circumstances and the loss of the old ones that cause this low level sadness.

please take care. Hugs.

I have a lot of worries, mostly unrelated to covid, although our lackluster unity in solving the problem doesn't make me feel all that positive towards the idea of creative problem solving writ large. In my own microcosm, I have more mundane problems, but continual failures and inability to make positive progress makes me depressed. At night it manifests as worry and insomnia. Which is also then yet another frustrating problem the next day. My life seems like one step forward and two steps back, so at night I ruminate, worry and don't sleep. During the day I grit it out and endure. Not a good combination.

The only time I actually tear up is the profound missing of my late mother, not necessarily the 87 year old who died six years ago, but her entire life, the entire person I shared so many wonderful memories with, like reading to me and teaching me so many things, and being such a good life companion and friend and all around classy lady, in addition to being a mother. Sure, I can adjust and adapt to not having her in my life, but there is no adjustment to the loss of the shared memories, because it is really lost and gone forever, I have the memories for sure, but they will never again be shared, I will never reclaim that part of my youth (substantial) that we shared such intimate memories of.

I am back living in the town I grew up in, and seeing it change so much for the worse makes me even sadder. Objectively, at least for me, those times WERE better, better for kids at least in my situation, when I compare it to the kids I know around here now. All us old timers remark that. It's not pure "good ol' days" nostalgia, we know what was here, what is looked like, how much is no longer here or worn out and neglected, and what took its place. One only has to peruse an old photo album at the library to see concrete evidence of what was one there and gone now, not replaced with a new version, just gone. I mourn as much for the forever loss of my young self as I do the mother that went along with so much of it. That makes me cry, but then stoic me stops it by reminding myself that crying will just dehydrate me, not make anything about this situation change for the better.

To add insult to injury, when yet another of my parents' friends/colleagues/contemporaries eventually dies, that brings all the grief and loss out again. At my age it is a pretty steady drumbeat. I think it would be better/different if I had grandkids and a good relationship with them.

Oakley, you are not alone in feeling nighttime depression. When the sun goes down and the nighttime comes, it can happen. Circadian rhythms.

Explained here.

That was a good article, Arapaho. I disagree about sleep causing bipolar disorder though, since my youngest son has it. To be honest, my depression is "situational depression." Plus I'm a natural born worrier. No need for anybody to worry, I'll do it for you. lol

Pink, mundane things keeps my mind from shutting down. During the day I can compartmentalize really well, and at night it's all a mess!

Oak, you have so much on your plate right now, would you consider a few sessions with a counselor or therapist who can help you get a handle on this?

K, I'd love to but the closest therapist to me is 45 min. away and insurance doesn't pay. The biggest problem I have is how to let go, to accept things I cannot change. Like DS2 having bipolar disorder.

Today I had an experience I'll never forget and part of me says God planned it. I know, I'm grasping. When DS2 came down with BD I comforted myself by thinking God gave him to me because He knew I could handle it. Deep down I'm not handling it and I know there's nothing I can do about it.

Anyway, a lady came over this morning so we could sign papers so she could notarize them.

She had a noticeable limp when she was walking up the porch steps. White slacks and a 3/4 length top. I thought to myself with this humidity she's got to be burning up. I commented on her french manicure, probably the best I've seen, and she said Walmart did it. lol While she and DH were talking I noticed in the knee area (white slacks) I could see the outline of what looked to be something wrapped around her knee. Maybe she sprung it.

Then I started looking at the manicure & noticed her other hand was a prosthetic. Looked real, same manicure as the other hand.

She also had a speech impediment. While standing there I realized something bad happened to her and I bet one of her legs was also a prosthetic.

But here's what got to me. We started talking about our children.

She has two sons. I have two sons.

Her oldest is an engineer. My oldest is an engineer

Her youngest is a senior at the same college my boys went to. My youngest was a Jr. when BD hit him.

That's when I was so relieved she didn't have to raise a child with a mental illness, and maybe God did give me DS2 because I could be his "person." OTOH, I know his is genetics from DH family. So there goes that theory!

It was like I made a new friend today, and I'm so happy she's happy.

Did any of this make sense? :)

I think it's great that your are finding ways to comfort yourself. Alternate thought patterns. But I also think that stoic, self sufficient caregivers who can "self soothe" to function still can't get away from the results of the accumulation on the mind and body of a long period of accumulated stress, no matter how much you do to manage it on your own.

Obviously we keep expanding and expanding our coping balloon to manage the added stresses. But there is a point of popping. Basic laws of physics. If it were me, (it actually sort of is me) I would try and find an actual person or entity or way of off-loading some of the stress. Where is there extra stress carrying capacity outside of your soul? Perhaps there is some help to be had from DS son the engineer even though moms tend to want to be the caregivers, not the other way around.

And what stresses can you let go of completely? Not move off your plate to someone else's plate, but just move off your plate and never revisit again. Those are the only two possibilities in order to increase your stress handling capacity. Increase the capacity of the system to handle it, or decrease the load, and probably most situations will involve a combination of both. That's how I am currently trying to alleviate my situation. Not very successfully, but realizing you are working towards that goal is a first step.

Night time is when the distractions that kept you from feeling how you truly feel go away . . . Experiencing the physical symptoms of the stress is not the same thing as not handling it well. It is too be expected. So glad you shared some of it here, I think a lot of us can relate.

As a side note, my Dad suffers from depression and anxiety due to big stresses, and he refuses to comprehend that physical symptoms of a stressed mind and body are not character weaknesses. They are totally about logic and physics. As a result of just trying to "tough it out" with mental will, his stresses and conditions just get worse.

I can commiserate with you Oakley. Like Pink says it sounds like you're handling the stress well, it would be strange to not feel stressed with all you've got going on. I think some melancholy is a normal part of aging, an honoring of who we are and how we got here. FInding joy in your chance meeting indicates depression won't keep you down.

I'm curious, do you journal? It helps me get my worries and sadness 'out', feel and accept them. Also, I started virtual therapy recently, surprisingly comfortable and very affirming, which a lot of insurance companies are now covering, including Medicare thank goodness.

I hope you feel the virtual hugs and support from your friends here.

Chance meetings with inspirational strangers may be good for a momentary boost in your mood, Oak, but underlying problems are still there and still need attention. The pandemic has really opened up the field of telemedicine, and many, if not most, therapists or counselors do online sessions that are convenient and effective. I know several people who switched to online therapy over the past year and are sticking with it even though it is now safe for them to continue in person. One of our couple friends ”go” to marriage counseling online and like it more. You can find Christian therapists if you want someone with a religious background. And whether your insurance covers it or not, YOU are more than worth the time and effort and expense. The family needs you in fighting trim right now ❤️

I won’t mention it again but I hope you keep the possibility in mind…….think of it as an interior refresh, reno or update 😊

I've not had nighttime depression, but I have it in the morning, especially after having an especially bad nightmare. I often wake up in the morning during a very disturbing dream, and the memories of the dreams persist long into the morning or day. I did see a therapist about this, and he prescribed gabapentin, which has helped somewhat. He also told me to take melatonin, and I think that perhaps helps me get to sleep.

If you are having persistent problems, then a therapist can help, and it might require some medication. I'm not sure about the source of my nightmares, but at least the medication helps. I don't think staying up is a good solution if you are depressed when trying to go to sleep.

@Lars that is so interesting! Our pup took gabapentin after leg surgery. It is used for nerve pain and I think seizures usually. Often used for nerve pain after shingles. Doesn't it make you sleepy? Do you take it at night too? It's strange about your nightmares. I used to take Singular for my mold allergy and had to quit because of the dreams I would have. STRANGE!

I can't say I have had depression. I have had times where I am a bit down, sad maybe, but it always goes away. After my dad passed away I did also have trouble sleeping, but it finally passed. I know there are stages of grief and I think that was part of it for me. One thing that helps me if I am down is to "count my blessings" so to speak. But if you honestly think you are depressed, like others have suggested, a therapist might be a good idea.

I was told that gabapentin (when taken with Alpha-Lipoic Acid) is helpful for damaged nerves, and I have those in the bottom of my feet.

I've gone through periods of my life when I was depressed (especially my early teen years), but I managed to live through them, and I don't get depressed that much anymore. I don't go through seasonal depression (SAD) because the winters where I live are sunny, and that helps, but I am affected by Santa Ana Winds, and those can cause me to get depressed. I think an air ionizer would help, but those are illegal in California, although I used to have one.

One thing that helps me is having people who seem to appreciate me, and thinking of them can help me when I feel depressed or useless.

Aloha, I hope you got some support. Trained people are so helpful with these feelings.

I find sadness finds me in the mornings when for some reason I miss my mother and sister, both of whom passed a few years ago, the most. Keeping busy is helpful.