@ Kswl Experience is a great teacher. Today, I would do more research and ask more questions. At the time I didn't give it a second thought, I was invited to a wedding.

"I would really like to have a normal conversation here without someone trying to stir things up." Maybe people should start flagging these?

Olychick…..more than happy to oblige 😎 Somebody whose name rhymes with a well known Austenian hero needs to wake up and learn some manners.

Guess I missed arcy’s comment. Darn.

When the wedding date gets closer, I will model my options here and y’all can help me decide what to wear.

So funny... I pop in after the fact and still know exactly who and what. I think she does it for sport.

Anyway, the safest is always to ask...if you know them well enough to attend, you know them well enough to ask. The last wedding I went to was "black tie optional" so I asked...found out even the groom and his ushers were wearing suits not tuxes! Turns out she just wanted people to dress up...not necessarily formal. MoB and MoG both wore full length as did the maids. The guests mostly wore dresses, not gowns.

Where I live, black tie optional + gowns, in most cases is a polite way of saying "Please don't wear whatever you pulled on when you rolled out of bed this morning". I called one woman I work with and she said this was mostly to let her male relatives know she would be angry if they showed up in a t-shirt.

But a lot can be interpreted by the venue. When I went to a wedding at a basilica with a reception at a Ritz-Carlton that ended up in the lifestyles section of the Sunday paper, it meant black tie optional, although it said nothing about gowns and some people were in black tie and the majority of the rest were in plain dark suits and the women in nice dresses. But I happened to know that the husband owned his own tuxes because he had regular occasion to wear them. But I can't remember the last time I saw a non-bridal party member in a long dress, regardless of the formality.

What gets me on the snippet from the invite is the exclamation point!!!! Really????

AD, Sue asked the MOB. I’m thinking Arcy’s comments ARE getting flagged and removed. It seems shes proud of her comments so I don’t think she’d be deleting.

Here in our area (or maybe its my circle?), I honestly can’t remember a wedding invitation that included what to wear. Wedding with true formal wear are few. The trend seems to be weddings at event places with more casual, fun receptions. That said, women are most often in nice dresses/party dresses (not gowns).

This is a pet peeve of mine, apparently from a long list of many. But I think the overuse of exclamation points--I think one is usually too many, and more than one forget it, for any punctuation--is a 2000s thing that is like the print version of the weird exaggerated fatuous facial expressions, gestures and body movements people make in their Tik Toks and Reels. It's more histrionic than silent movies and I think it's just weird and borders on creepy. (The "acting" not the punctuation. I think the punctuation--as well as random capitalization-- is a combination of poor grammar and sometimes anger management issues.)

E.M. Delafield’s Portrait of a Provincial Lady is about the life and musings of an English woman whose thoughts are often capitalized words—- to great literary effect.

I myself enjoy the occasional capitalized word (for Reasons, surely) and am a !huge! fan of the exclamation mark 😎

I have mixed feelings about a dress code edict (although the choice of that word might indicate which way I lean). Shouldn’t the venue and the occasion indicate what to wear? But I suppose people who want formal events in barns should give the guests a heads up, or reconsider the venue or the dress code.

So far, I believe I’ve always been appropriately dressed at a wedding, based on my age, my respect for the event, my understanding of the venue, and at least a vague knowledge of the players. To be fair, a few times I did see guests that would have benefitted by a suggest on what to wear, or not to wear.

I’ve never been invited to a wedding that treated the guests as part of the cast and been told to wear a certain color or clothing. I can’t imagine a case when I would attend one of those weddings, I would politely decline. It’s not a subpoena, I don’t have to appear.

But I suppose people who want formal events in barns should give the guests a heads up, or reconsider the venue or the dress code.

I see it the same way, Hhireno.

It is surprising how fancy some of these wedding barns are in the Midwest. In areas where there are not other venue options, especially for a larger wedding, these are very popular. With crystal chandeliers, hardwood floors, walls of windows looking out to a view, they actually are more upscale than a ball room in a hotel. The price point in my area can be quite pricey to rent.

I don't think many people under about the age of 50 have the slightest vestige of the instinct that many of those older than that have about what the generally right thing to wear for a particular occasion is. Even when I was in college most people had the general idea that what you wore to a bar wasn't the same thing you wore to work, to an informal dance, to go into the city, to go to a club, to go to a formal or to go to a wedding in the daytime vs after 6.

Not that everyone had beautiful clothes or rented --just that they had a general idea and didn't need to be explicitly told.

There is a workplace near me that seems to have people in the same job tiers wearing everything from glorified pajamas to something more appropriate to fine dining than the workplace. Literally sweats and sequins in the same building

And I think older people are confused now because everyone younger seems to have no idea what they even expect. Formal, semiformal, black tie, and (optional) all used to have different specific referenceable definitions.

I would help to go back to the orginal definitions without the optional clause. If jeans are okay, say so.

I don't know if it is such a bad thing that we have gotten away from the strict rules of past generations.

I remember how every day at 4:45 my mother went back to her bedroom, freshened her makeup, combed her hair and changed clothing so that she would look nice for my father when he came home from work. She went to the beauty salon to have her hair done twice a week. She would have never gone to the grocery store in her housecleaning clothes or without her hair and makeup done. When I was little my mother didn't own slacks, they were for men. Women wore dresses.

Everyone knew what to wear to every event because the rules were well defined, but isn't it nice that we can now be individuals, enjoy wearing what makes us feel comfortable or what makes us feel attractive?

I love working in sweats or pajamas. Why should I be dressed up when I am looking at a computer from my home office all day? I am still old fashioned enough that I seldom wear my pajamas when going shopping, although I have done it a few times, late in the evening, when I am already in PJs and find I need a single item from the grocery store (milk, toilet paper, bread) and just didn't feel like getting changed. If I am sick and have to run to the drugstore I may not bother much with my appearance. My mother would be turning over in her grave if she knew that I went out in public dressed in pajamas without any makeup and nothing done to my hair.

I do sometimes feel like some people take things too far. You don't need to wear pajamas at the grocery store when doing a full order in the middle of the day. You shouldn't be in video conference calls at work and look like you just crawled out of bed and haven't showered in days even if you are working from home.

The last wedding I went to had people who were dressed in floor length dresses and people wearing jeans. There was not a specified dress code and no one seemed to care what the next person was wearing. The bride and groom are furries and their circle of friends (mostly other furries) were incredibly accepting and fun loving and many were a bit quirky. You know the saying "dance like no one is watching" - that was the general feeling during the reception, the room was energized with positive energy and everyone was dancing like no one was watching and just having fun.

It may have been the most enjoyable wedding I ever attended.

I consider a wedding website additional information for guests invited to the celebration.

I can’t remember ever seeing a Dress Code (other than ’Formal’ or ’Black Tie’) on a printed invite ever. The DressRequest info may have actually be on the RSVP cards, I don’t remember.

We went to the theater in Boston today (a musical, not the movie theater) and a woman two rows ahead of us was wearing a sweatshirt and sweatpants! Not, like, Athleta or Aritzia, either — a Charleston SC souvenir sweatshirt and regular ol’ black old-school sweatpants.

I’m sorry, I cannot leave the house in sweatpants. A sweatshirt, yes, if I’m going to Walmart or somewhere similar and wearing jeans. I bought a cute sweatsuit to wear around the house when it is cold out, but it will never be seen any farther away from my house than the mailbox.

Maybe it was her travel outfit and her luggage didn’t arrive with her? But more likely she was comfortable so it was deemed appropriate for all situations.

It was snowy and very cold, so I probably noticed mostly bc it was what I wished I had on…

Our wedding was an evening wedding at a historic mansion so you think that dictates dress code, but I think I put semi-formal or formal dress. Yes, a few guests did wear tuxes, and women either wore cocktail dresses or long gowns. The guys were kind of all over place but at least no jeans or shorts which was the goal.

I think weddings/receptions can be a very odd kind of visual experience because if anything women's wedding dresses have gotten extremely formal during my adulthood. (A friend of mine's mother wore a dress that was plain silk satin with an off the shoulder top with a drawsting, for example, my oldest sister's wedding dress hung straight to the floor and had no "construction" in it at all.) And then the guests, especially men, wear pretty much whatever they want.

I have been to two wedding recently where the brides were in full strapless, heavily constructed gown, the bridal party and mothers were in floor length and the groom and groom's party were in khakis and white button down shirts and the groom had on a tie. And lots of the women guests were dressed up, and there were men in jeans and untucked polo shirts. It kind of made the bride look kind of silly.

And I have seen the same in $$$ restaurants on NYE, like a woman in barely walkable Louboutin stilettos, and a very elaborate cocktail dress and $$$ bag, and the husband had on a faded sweatshirt, jeans and dirty sneakers. And didn't look like he had combed his hair. These combinations just look stupid. Most people were honestly wearing nice casual.

And since it is usual that one should be a little underdressed rather than overdressed I think it makes the woman look particularly silly. One because she's overdressed and two because she is overdressed and out with a slob. They both would have looked better if she had dressed way down and she had made him at least clean up a bit.

When going to the theater does it really matter what others are wearing?

As long as they are supporting the arts and paying the admission fees and not wearing a big hat that obstructs my view, it works for me. I am there to watch the show, not the people.

@palimpsest, when I was growing up, the rule was ”better to be underdressed than overdressed.” It seems to be the opposite now.

I have to say that the more of these types of threads I read, the more grateful I am to be in a part of the country that is less a slave to fashion and much less judgmental about how others look and dress. I've never been to a wedding where anyone stood out as inappropriately dressed (or maybe I wouldn't have notice or cared). I do recall one thing that I've noticed over the years...I had season tix to the ballet in Seattle. It can be a pretty fancy affair, which was fun to see the jewels and the rest, since it's less common around here. There was one couple who had season tix and sat near us. I noticed them the first time because she was drop dead gorgeous in an obviously very expensive outfit and her date was a large, bit rotund but handsome guy with longish hair, wearing overalls! Every time. They were newish, not worn looking, clean and pressed. I suspect he was some well known artist that I didn't recognize or?? You see it all around here!

Meh, refusing to go to a wedding because they don't want you to wear the same clothes that you wear hanging around the house e.g. "My husband refuses to go anywhere he's not welcome in clean t-shirt" (I read as much in a thread about clothing some years back), which went on to say people who cared at all what people showed up in anywhere are just terrible snobs is every bit as judgmental. Just in a different way. So is judging people who think there are ways to present yourself that might take a bit of effort. Just as judgmental.

I look at a wedding very differently than going to the theater.

One I am paying to go to and supporting the artist. My money is green no matter what outfit I am wearing.

The other is a celebration of the couple's marriage. The day is entirely about them. Every guest is their to help make their day perfect. If that means dressing up, that is part of your job as a guest. If you can't support their vision / their dream, then you should stay home. Just remember that it is your choice to not support them, not them being unreasonable in their request. When that day comes and you need some type of support you haven't banked any favors.

I think @Jennifer Hogan said it well. A wedding is about a bride and groom, so there should be some consideration to dressing in line with their vision.

I think that going to the theater wearing sweatpants or pajama bottoms or dirty clothing signals that person has absolutely no sense of place and can’t be bothered to cultivate one. It’s no different than wearing a sweatshirt that says ”I’ve officially given up” — the attire already says that loud and clear. Yes, their money is ”just as green” but their manners are definitely in the red.

No one wants to be overdressed for the occasion, but among the guests? Well, as my dear mama says, someone has to be the best dressed and it might as well be her (or me) (or YOU)!

This thread reminded me of my niece's wedding invitation. It said "black tie optional." DH owns 2 tuxedos so he wore one. I bought a new floor length dress.

I was planning to rent a tux for my DS (a teenager at the time). DH came across a tux on our freecycle site. He sent it to me. I had never in my life bought or got second hand/used clothing and I rejected it immediately. DH persisted. I studied the included picture where I could see some of the home. It was nicely decorated and clean, so I told DH to get it and take it to the cleaners. It fit DS perfectly and he wore it to the wedding.

DH and DS were the only 2 in tuxedos other than the bridal party and dads of the bride and groom. All other men were in dark suits IIRC.

However, in addition to "black tie optional" on the wedding invite, which I took no issue with, it also said something like "no white!". I found that so obnoxious. I have no idea why the bride (my niece) felt the need to restrict anyone from wearing white. Was she afraid someone else would be mistaken for the bride? Just ridiculous, but very much not a surprise coming from said niece.

Such interesting thoughts/opinions on this thread. I agree with the wedding being about the bride and groom. I feel many times too much emphasis is placed on what people wear. I definitely agree with wearing what is appropriate for the occasion. I would be embarrassed to be underdressed for an occasion, but I would feel the same to be overdressed. Dirty clothes? Pajamas? Never. Sweats, IMHO, are one of the frumpiest things a woman can wear.

Perhaps the “no white” instructions were for the bride’s friends. Maybe someone came to another person’s wedding in a white dress and now the bride needs to sent out an APB.

I’ve been the “most dressed” - at my California nephew’s wedding. I didn’t care that my gown indicated I was his Aunt From NY.

In fact, many of their friends approached me addressing me that way (“You must be his aunt from New York”) since my attire was clearly not from CA. I was okay with that.

I went to a barn wedding in the Midwest a few years ago. I was surprised how gorgeous the venue was. It was a really good mix of rustic touches, white lights, and tasteful decorations. I wasn't sure what to expect and I was surprised at how beautiful it all was.

If I don't look good, I don't feel good about myself. I will never make a best dressed list for anything, anywhere, at any time. I just try to be cognizant of where I'm going and what "decently dressed" means there in that environment. There are sometimes "decently dressed" is out of respect for the people or occasion, other times I figure there's not a lot of respect called for at a grocery store. However I still can't be seen in public without meeting my own minimum standards... out of respect for myself, I guess? I don't really know. I never spent much time thinking about it before now.

Ok we are going to a wedding that says "beachy formal." oh ok.

In my limited experience as a guest, the Bride wears white to showers, rehearsal dinner, bachelorette events, and just hanging around with her wedding party during the wedding weekend (beach attire). There must be no doubt that she is The Bride at every gathering.

The "no white" is probably because some people will go to weddings dressed in white dresses that look very bridal, often for attention and other times probably out of ignorance.

I agree that I appreciate that society is becoming less rigid in expectations of attire. I certainly would not surive well in the era where women were expected to wear dresses and makeup and have their hair perfectly styled. But I also think there is a certain amount of respect for others that is conveyed in how we dress. There are plenty of clothing I might wear to run errands or grab a cup of coffee with a friend that I would not wear to a work/professional function. At times I think this concept isn't being well taught to next generations and so we do end up seeing people wearing sweatpants to job interviews (yep, I've seen it in person!) or jeans to weddings.

🙄. Beachy Formal That is the sort of dress code that drives me around the bend!! Some others I’ve seen: casual chic (is there a casual frumpy?); casual festive; cowboy chic; and others that I have suppressed. We’ve all seen them and wondered WTH?!?!

I'm not sure if this link will work, but here's a Vogue link talking about beach formal attire: https://www.vogue.com/article/beach-formal-wedding-attire. Sounds like longer dresses for women and suits for men, but in breathable airy fabrics more conducive to the beach location. Sounds like it could be literally on the beach so a shoe selection that can handle walking on sand would be wise too.

I consider it extremely tacky to wear white to a wedding if you are not the bride. I know of 2 weddings I went to where the MoG wore white...very Freudian!

Beachy formal???? Speedos with a bow tie??? I'd love to know what you end up with!

😂😂🤣

@mtnrdredux_gw - Is the wedding at the beach or at a Margaritaville in NJ?

If at a beach location, there should be other clues. Does the invitation use words like -sunset (aka: walk through sand for ceremony)?

The venue for the reception matters too. A beach wedding with party at the Don Cesar would be different than a beach wedding with reception at Barnacle Bill’s Bar and Eats.

Standard dress for a formal Beach Wedding around here would be a suit, no tie, for the men. Long, flowy dresses for women. The younger ladies would all be strapless. Sunglasses necessary.

The last 4 or 10 beach weddings we’ve attended have all had designated shoe parking before reaching the sand. Leave your shoes, take a pair of rubber flip flops.

I love a good beach wedding.

designated shoe parking !

LOL

We have not gotten the invite yet because we have not been back home for a few days but I heard this term third hand.

Another person said "aquatic" (?)

My DS. who is in the wedding, spoke to his cousin who said "like if you went to dinner at a nice beach resort." That I can see.

It is not at the beach it is dinner and dancing at an aquarium.

I already bought this top and really like the fit, feel and look. It's a nice color with my coloring. I had not chosen pants, shoes or purse. I might do dressy white slacks, and a fun raffia purse and shoes combo. Maybe something OTT like with a sequined fish. Think Leiber not Chicos.

I have a few straw bags incl this one which I'd love an excuse to carry but it's the wrong vibe (OMG i have so much more animal stuff than I realized. Stop me before i kill again).

Love love love that lilac and white gingham silk tunic, Mtn! + White slacks = perfect pairing.

At the last beachy wedding we attended (in Florida, ceremony inside, reception outside) everybody wore linen; men wore linen pants and loafers without socks, camp style shirts or t shirts and less constructed linen blazers. Women wore dresses in all lengths that showed varying amounts of skin (shoulders, arms, legs, etc). It was relaxed but everyone looked very nice, cool and comfortable.

I’m right there with you Ally De!

TBH, I can’t remember the last time we received a wedding invitation that gave a dress code. We went to 2 this past year. One, the reception was in a barn, a very nice barn to be exact, with a lovely dance floor. I would think most women would know not to wear white, but maybe thats not a thing anymore?

I would think most women would know not to wear white, but maybe thats not a thing anymore?

I don't think it is. Wearing a long white dress with lace might get some glances (!), but otherwise white is fine, and so is black in my recent experience. When my DB got married a few decades ago, I wore a winter white suit and silk blouse (with a short skirt! It was BTA, before the accident that tore up my right knee ).

BTW back to the OP. I think that the wording means men can wear Black tie, but that is an option. At a minimum men are asked to wear a suit. Women are asked to wear a gown. AFA as what they actually do --- I'd be pretty sure many women will not. But that is the remit.

I think it's pretty common knowledge that a female wedding guest should not wear anything resembling a bridal dress. My cousin wore a beautiful white suit to my wedding. I never thought twice whether it was appropriate.

It would be a little odd if a guest showed up in a dress that resembled a bridal gown, but so what. I wouldn't care and I certainly would not put those directions on my invite.

Now, mother of the groom wearing a dress that looks bridal is very odd. And as the bride, I would not be too happy about that mostly because the pictures would be strange.